Silently crying into the night,
on a pool of red shimmers moonlight,
a silver blade falls to the ground,
nothing but silents all around,
the dream of love shall come never,
as i sit in the night, alone forever,
the world around me becomes rotten,
and i know, i am forever forgotten.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i love it, i love the idea that you think you are forgotten.
keep working your hardest.
I only have one problem with your poem, the flow. It reads like a list. You are telling us facts, facts, facts. That's it. I have read this multiple times now, and yes, I still ready it like a list. You need to restructure this. You rely too much on rhyme. And I cannot stress enough, this reads like a list.
go through it again and come back without forced rhymes, without all these breakups. To make it flow easier, I'd say rewrite it. I seriously have no empathy with the persona at the moment. But if you would actually describe the feelings, go into detail and specifics, then you could hit the heart of the poem. How does the world look like to you right now? How does it taste? Use description to aid you, use personification and imagery.
Hope this helps and good luck
Ha i can relate to the horrible spelling! Go dyslexia!!!!!!!!!!!! But really nice poem, it flows well and it has a good message. Solly already covered everything i have to say so all i can say is: keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I would tell that everyone could relate so much with your poem because I'm feeling this loneliness thing too. Therefore,I love your poem!
Haha! That's fine! No worries.
Thanks
Ill try to work on my spelling and puncutation a little more (Iv never been good at spelling)
Hi Night! Solly here, to review your piece. ^_^
Kudos! Though there are some problems with the punctuation, I think, and other simple stuff. ^_^
This is quite nice. I enjoyed it. Even though it's a sad poem, you made it sound sweet and I loooooove that.
Keep Writing!
~Solly<3
Wow. That is a beautiful poem and it's filled to the brim with emotions! I can see this take place as I read it! Oh, how I sympathize and empathize! I just suggest capitalizing your I's.
Your rhyming is impeccable by the way. And I notice that you're new! I joined two days ago and I love it! I hope you have a great time here! If you ever need anything or need to know anything, please, just ask! 