Published July 23, 2009
This is my entry for ThornedRose's writing contest. I wrote this when I was about seven or eight, and I just thought 
I can't believe I wrote this. Hope it's bad enough to win! 
Once upon a time, Jacob, Max, and Amy were playing. Amy was showing them her cheerleading.
“Yee-haw! Get down!” said Amy.
“That is neat” they said,”Can we try?”
“Yes, but you have to learn how.” she said.
“Okay!"
"You have to kick and raise the roof, say one, two, three, four and do a double flip.”
“Okay! That’s easy!”
“Do it then.”
And they did it right. They were a team. They were called “Amy’s Best Team”, and they did a lot of cheerleading.
The End
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy well this one definitely is a pretty cute little story here for something produced by an eight year old. Honestly this one manages to end up making a pretty surprising amount of sense. Of course its incredibly fast paced and definitely doesn't give you much room to breather but as far as having a relatively exciting thing happen followed by what seems like a sort of traditional and they lived happily ever after ending, this one actually works pretty well.
The little lesson with the cheerleading honestly works pretty well. If you assume the characters here are fairly young, this seems like a believable enough situation for a bunch of little kids to be getting up to. The dialogue is a little formal in spots and not quite as natural as it should be, but of course that's quite the nitpick to produce given this was written by an eight year old so you don't really need to think on that.
Honestly I just love this little slice of joy an unironically I think you could actually turn this into a proper little piece of micro fiction without that much editing.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You were seven or eight? I've got cousins who are that age and couldn't write that well! Poor Night, what will you do with the emerging talent you didn't realize you had then? Not as terrible as you thought were you?
Oh! This is just about the funniest thing I've ever read
In a kind way of course
I think that for the purposes of this particular competition it is perfect! You have managed to make it 'bad' (although, as people have already said, it's pretty good for a seven-year-old!) without making it boring and unbearable to read. The competition does state that entries should be 4000 to 8000 words long, but I am not going to suggest that you extend it, as in my opinion this would ruin the charm of the story.
Jemima x
I know this is for a bad literature contest XD and I wish I had a newer piece of yours to critique Night, but for the show I'll do this one
. I'd say this is good for a 7 or 8 year old it's a cute short story. Now there's much more you could do with it!
So here's some suggestions I came up with hopefully you can find something from this useful. Going into some detail and giving events description really helps a story become more substantial. For instance you could do something like this:
“Yee-haw! Get down!” Amy shouted as she threw her fist in the air energetically.
This helps to give the reader an image in their mind as they read your story.
Usually you want to try and avoid starting a sentence with the word 'and' rephrasing it could improve it. "Both of them did it right."
Cute story I hope to see some of your more recent work:).
fluteluvr77 - This is for the worst type of literature contest, so its alright if we don't nitpick too much, lol. XD
]
You're adorable, Night! This is so cute! (>3<)*huggles* Post in the little mushroom, soon! Here, I'll post the link so you won't never ever ever forget:
post584625.html
[haha, actually, I posted it there to advertise! please feel free to check it out at all costs~ it means so much to me!
Adorable! I laughed out loud when I finished reading. I'll be genuinely shocked if you don't win this contest.
Aww, Night, that was too cute!
And, don't worry, I don't hate all cheerleaders! xD Just the evil popular mean ones! And, clearly, you aren't one of those!
Let's start with the nitpicks...I can't help but point them out - I know, you can't edit, but keep it for future reference?
Now, m'dear, I checked out the contest that you were talking about. I dunno how to critique this if you want to make it bad. So, I'm gonna give you a critique on how to make it better, in case you wanted to continue this after the contest as a short story or something. Honestly, the plot is just too adorable to abandon. Oh, and the entries for her contest must be between 4000 and 8000 words. This one needs to be expanded quite a bit! xD
Alright, going into crazy instructor critique mode is gonna be pretty hard with this one...But, I shall try my best!
Cheerleading is one word, isn't it? Or is it just my silly American spelling? Well, either change the sentence or the title...
Down shouldn't be capitalized, and there should be a period after Amy. ^_^ I love the yee-haw. It is simply too cute.
That's a really long sentence...And, it sounds like they must do it at the same time. I'd say something more like
"You have to kick and raise the roof. Then, say one, two, three, four, and do a double flip."
It sounds smoother and flows better.
Period after then.
Cheerleading? Or cheer leading? And period after the last word.
^_^ I'm a nitpicky person, don't take it personally! So, how about we cover some of the more concept-ish stuff now?
Here are a couple of tips that I personally needed to follow, and I'm hoping that they'll help you as well.
"Then, after tremendous effort, on the parts of Jacob and Max, they managed to do the double flip."
Or something like that. Just try and smooth out all the kinks by using transitions. Descriptions help smooth the story out as well.
Where were they playing? How old were they? What did they look like?
^_^ This will also help add to your word count.
Now, I'm a pretty lazy person when it comes to descriptions, so here's what I do:
I picture the scene in my own mind.
If I was writing a story with children playing I'd immediately think up a scene in my mind; sometimes, I sketch it out.
Sketching it out helps because now, I have a picture - all I have to do is convey it to the reader. (=
Tell us what's happening in the background, maybe what they look like, and all that. Another important thing I'd like to know is about facial expressions.
Is Jacob mischievous? Is Max shy? Is Amy outgoing?
All this can be conveyed in a simple wink, turn of the head, or just yelling instead of talking. This would help us understand the characters more.
I'm best friends with a girl who's characters I absolutely adore. She's given me many writing tips, but my favorite by far, is that:
~Characters are your friends. Get to know them. According to her, when you're writing any story, you should know your character like the back of your hand. Their pros and cons, the way they think, the way they talk, and everything else. Introduce interaction between characters to make them seem more realistic. Interaction doesn't always have to be dialogue. A simple pat on the shoulder could convey friendship; and, a glare could show enmity.
~Give at least one, if not all, your characters a quirky habit. Now, this isn't something you must follow; I, personally, find it to be extremely helpful. No one's perfect; demonstrate this. It makes everyone seem so much more realistic.
Amy, for example, can be fidgety. I seem to think of her as outgoing; so, she can never stand still. Show that she can't sit still when Jacob and Max are trying to cheer. This would make her so much easier for your readers to relate to.
Peace, love, and chocolate,
Flute Loops<3
Wonderfully terrible, Night. Nah, seriously, it's cute.
Actually, just to add, the fact that you were writing voluntarily at that age is a sign of a true writer.