Prologue
The three of us, Adam, Landon, and myself were in the “turning room” as we so solemnly nickname it. Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to it with black leather straps around his wrist and ankles. I stayed by his side as Landon, the one who changed me, readied for the transformation.
"Are you ready, love?" I asked Adam, clutching his hand in fear. Landon was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete, depending on the human being changed. Thinking about the whole thing and the nasty side effects made me tighten my grip on his hand. Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command. I found it very appealing that my love wanted to be my mate and companion for my immortal life.
"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded. He was abnormally clam for a human being change into an immortal creature of the night.
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I said, looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he said with compassion in his voice. I sighed in content and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. I opened my eyes at looked at him.
“Untie one of my wrist for a sec, would you?” he requested. I did what he requested. Immediately upon being released, he reached up with his free hand and tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear. Sighing as he cupped my cheek, our eyes met. He knew then that it was time. Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon and nodded to him to begin the process that would change our lives forever.
"Do it," I announced, laying a kiss on Adam’s lips. I pulled away and looked at the cross on the wall and prayed that my love would come out of this safely.
this is the rewrite version to Poison Love. topic40437.html
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well considering the way this one started I was getting a little bit worried there about what horrors might be about to befall this person here but reading a bit further it looks like this is actually a much more wholesome moment. Well I do always love to see something like this and while we don't really have any sort of context to judge from the bit we have here at least it seems like we've got a pretty decent setup to start with here.
OKay well it seems like we've definitely get a pretty solid case of the wholesomeness happening right here and so far it also seems to be proceeding around quite flawlessly, and despite being a pretty calm situation the sheer sort of craziness of what is truly going down here is doing more than enough to make me want to keep reading here.
Well I was lowkey expecting something horrible to happen at the end there, scenes that start out as wholesome as this one usually go down that path towards the end but instead it seems we have quite a powerful cliffhanger instead with this person not knowing what the outcome of this procedure which does seem like it could be very dangerous will be. Its a pretty good ending point I think, it definitely makes me want to immediately read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
*Locked at request of the author.*
I think it was great. I love romance stories and fantasy stories so your title really caught my eye.
Hey,
thank you so much for reading Poison Love.
this is the link to the rewrite version which has been renamed Addicting Poison.
topic40437.html
again. thank you so much for reading.
Hey! Sorry this has taken me so long to get to but I am here now!
Ok first thing's first
-This is a good prologue, I often find with prologues is that they just bombard the reader with so much information that it overwhelms them. When I write I tend to stay away from prologues from fear of over doing it. But this was good, not too much, and intrigues the reader into the rest of the story well.
Characters
-Ok, admittedly I can't really go into too much detail here with the characters as it is not a long piece and can't really give too much away. But what you have so far is prefect for a prologue. Yoyu have introduced who I will assume will be the main characters, although the narrator is still quite unknown to us, I might have missed it but we don't know the name or sex of this person, but this is ok as it makes the reader want to find out more about the characters as the story progresses. And Landon was the name of my pet bird, he was a great bird, just so you know
Plot
-Be careful with vampire stories, there are so many it is hard to make something original. But I do think that reading vampire stories can help with writing one, I am not familiar with the more recent ones such as Twilight, but I did read Interview With The Vampire, which did make me think about the character of Landon a lot. How much did the narrator have to convince him to turn someone else? Is the campire that turned the narrator their 'master' they can often be very protective over those they turn - or is he the leader of a clan and has many vampires? I am interested to find these out and see what vampire conventions you keep to and what new ones you bring into this.
Mistakes
-I am not sure if someone has already mentioned this one, probably as there are so many reviwes on this, but just incase:
-Calm
Hope this helped
Meevs
Good story. Its a little short but who am I to talk about short prolouges. Longer than mine. Mine is only a couple of short paragraphs. Gives a good insight into the story. Sorry it took me so long to review. Holidays, stuff like that. Not my type of story but I like it.
As requested!
Now i am aware this has a LOT of critiques. So mine won't be very ... compex. In fact i think i am going to do what i like best: ignoring grammar (i have read a few critiques and they cover everything i can see!) and focusing on the plot development/characters/setting and giving you my opinion as a reader.
Oh and first of all, i suggest after each critique you see you should edit it if you feel the need. Because then each critique after that means they're better and deeper and they find more different things rather than the same.
Beginning
Not one that would draw me in. It doesn't really tell us much, other than Adam is going to be changed. I'm unsure as to change it but possibly, instead of telling us all that, maybe try dialoging it:
Adam: Where am I? *Nervously? Perhaps? Or is he a willing participant*
Others: You're going to be changed, so relax, and don't scream.
That sort of thing. Are they scared? Or are they relaxed and is he ready?
Characters/character development
I need more emotion in there! They were fine as characters but i did not really feel the emotion between the characters - is she worried? is he terrified inside, being brave on the outside? What is Landon feeling?
Writing
Other than the lack of emotion... okay it did have some, but it all felt forced. She moved then said something, then they held hands and...
Okay i need to feel the emotion, not be told about it. No deep looks into eyes or tears or much that i really thought beyond a surface level thing. How did they feel?
(this way i can be more constructive than cruel! Hope this is alright for you. I WILL follow on to the next chapters but they too are like... mega critiqued already so no promises on much of a critique from me)
Oh and this was SOOOO short! Ahhh and YES you did draw us in. Heavens yes. I want more now...
Im here as you requested
There seems to be alot of critques for this piece so mine will be short and simple. There seem to be some gramor mistakes that you should be able to fix when you proof read. the whole story idea is a little blurry to me. Of course this is a short piece because it's only a prolouge, but it's not very telling, and the suspense is there but it doesn't keep me interested in reading further.
Im sorry to say but i wasn't a fan of this piece.
much encouragement,
tiff
There is a few grammer mistakes that could have been fixed, and a few parts that are unclear like the names of the characters and such. i got lost differentiating between who was who and at a point in time thought that adam was a fellow vampire and that landon was the narrators lover. A little bit confusing but interesting.
The storyline is catchy and different which is good for the vampire romance area right now is very hard to make original thanks to twilight (ugh). It's got a nice tone and the romance seems very passionate already. pretty exciting for the most part and i cant wait to read more.
Hi, Mistress! Here by request
Hmm...there's already quite a few great reviews here! I'll just point out things I notice as I go along...forgive me if someone else got to them first.
'Nickname' should be 'nicknamed', so that the tense remains the same.
This sentence is kind of clunky, so let's break it down a bit.
"Adam sat down slowly in the cold chair. We bound his wrists and ankles in place using thick, black, leather straps."
All I did was rearrange the words and split up the sentence appropriately. (I couldn't help but add a little extra description, too)
When I first read this, I thought you were using the term 'human being', so I had to reread the sentence before I understood what you meant. It would probably help if you rephrased this a little differently. For example: "It was a painful process that lasted two or three days to complete - depending on the mortal who was going through it, that is."
I think you mean 'calm'.
Again, this sentence needs some rewording. Try something like this: "He was abnormally calm for a human who was about to become an immortal creature of the night."
Kind of a run-on you got going here. Break it up a bit:
"Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon. I nodded for him to begin the process that would change our lives forever."
Overall:
Eh, it's OK. I think as a prologue it did it's job, but you still could've been more descriptive. Tell us about the atmosphere of the mysterious "turning room". Let that set a darker and deeper mood for your story. Right now it seems rather bland. Also, -no- especially since this is another romantic vampire tale, make sure to give this an extra spark that the audience has never seen before.
I really like your whole approach with the human guy being turned into a vampire for love as opposed to a human girl. That's a nice change (at least from what I've read). I'll probably continue to read throughout the rest of the chapters you have posted. I hope this is as promising as it seems!
Keep up the good work.
*anti-pop
Hey.
I'm here to do your review. I'm not reading over the other recent ones, in case they bias me, so please excuse me if I repeat things.
You don't need to include "The three of us." We know from the list of people that there are three, and the first part only makes the sentence awkward. Also, "nickname" should be "nicknamed," as they've been calling it that in the past, I assume. Keep your tenses consistent.
This bit is telling. Try showing it in her manner of addressing him. Is she more obedient, perhaps? Try to show it in the way your characters react to each other instead of just saying it.
"Lasted two of three days to complete" jars because of your word choice. Try changing "lasted" to "took."
More telling. It's consistent throughout the piece. It's probably why it's so short. You could make it a lot longer with more dialogue and description, as this prologue doesn't really give the reader much of a hook to make them continue. I'd prefer this to be longer and more fleshed out.
The repetition of "forever" doesn't read very well. It's supposed to create effect, I suppose, but it doesn't quite work.
You could replace the first "and" with a comma.
That's all I have. It's an interesting piece, although it hasn't done very much to differentiate itself from others of its kind, yet. I'm sort of interested to see where you'll take it.
The two problems, as I mentioned in the comments, are the length and your tendency to tell instead of show. Telling makes the story come across as somewhat amateurish, as it gives the impression that you can't make readers understand things without stating them bluntly. It'd be better if you had more character interactions and descriptions to fix this. That'll also make the problem of length better.
Overall, it was an interesting piece for what it is. Good job.
-Mat
The promised critique!
Just make sure you expand a bit more, make us get a feel for where they are. Is the room small? Dark? Is there anyone else there? Stuff like that. Set the scene a bit so the characters aren't floating in space.
Well, my first concern is that you don't really know what a prologue is. Actually, most of the people who have critiqued this don't. Prologues aren't supposed to be a second chapter one. They're either:
- Told in a different POV
- Told in a different time (many years before/after)
- Told in a different place
Or something else to that affect. But they're not just there to intrigue us. All of your writing should!
To me, this sounds like a first chapter you couldn't make long enough, so you slapped on the word 'prologue'. If you were going to have a prologue, I'd assume it would be when the girl got her change, then skipping to this, or before this, for chapter one.
However, you could always skip ten or so years after this – I can't be sure. It just sounds very open-ended, like you're planning on picking up right where you left off.
Also, this is rather short. Honestly – can you not fit in 344 words of information into the story? Yes, prologues should be shorter than chapters, but this just seems… too short.
Besides that, all I noticed was that the jump from when he has his hand on the girl's face and when he gets tied back up seems too sudden. Try expanding on that a bit. You untied him for just a few sentences to let us see their relationship, but let us see a bit more – is he hesitant? Afraid? What about her? What do they say? Stress emotions – let us know what this whole thing is about. At the moment we don't know how to feel, so we're relying on your characters to tell you this.
Other than that, it was pretty good. It kept me interested, and I'm curious to know more. Yes, a little similar to Twilight, but not too much, so it's okay.
Oh, and expanding on Landon a bit would be lovely.
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415
KaliaMarie:
Thanks for looking at it.
Oh! I like this plot line a lot so far. I'm very interested, and I'm glad you mad it the guy who was changing for the girl, instead of the other way around. It hasn't been done much at all.
I'm assuming you meant calm.Nitpicks:
That just sounds a little bit redundant. I would change one of the "requested."
Other than that, I'm very excited about this storyline, and I like the beginning very much. (:
Lu:
Thanks for looking at it.
Here I am for the review you requested, and I have to say, I was disappointed by the amazing quality of it, as it meant that I couldn't be as nit-picky as I normally am
=P. However, being me I did find one little thing:
There we go! The only other suggestion I have is for you to explore your MC's feelings through this prologue a bit more - does she feel guilty about changing him, happy, saddened and happy and guilty all at once...? You decide, but please let us know (:. This will also help you to make it a little longer. But, otherwise you did an amazing job with drawing in the ready, so awesomely done!!
I hope this helps you out, and if you need any more reviews, don't hesitate to click the link below and pop by my page =P
--Lucyy xx
KJ:
thanks for reading. i hope you willl continue reading it with the other chapters.
I hope this was a little helpful. Despite there being a lot of comments, I do like it. It's intriguing. Though I do hope you do something different to break out of the typical plot mode that usually involves these kinds of stories.
So good luck with your writing. I hope you like Because
KJ
Sheepy,shoo:
then be my guest and keep on reading.
I found it really great! Although it does remind me a bit of twilight, but so, I loved twilight ^^.
. Keep going!!!
I hope this gets somewhere, because I'm going to stay with this one! oka-ay... theres really nothing I can complain about, I'm not so picky
Prologue
It should probably be nicknamed. And well it doesn't well flow right if you say solemnly nicknamed it. You could say called it. A nickname is usually in good humor. I think that also you should have I instead of myself. It would sound better.
Okay you need to use vary your diction. You call Andrew my love ltwice in one paragraph. You also mention that your clutching and have tightened you grip on his hand. Its already been said once, don't repeat it.
Typo here, spelling mistake. Its would be calm instead of clam.
I don't know, saying that you look in his face. Maybe you could say that you looked into his green/blue/brown/whatever color eyes. Perfect time to descibe him some.
Humanize the charcter. Use some contraction. Have you heard most people sya I am. Most of the time they shorten it to I'm. Also, this line kinda sounds like it would come out of Twilight.
Untie one of my wrists not wrist. You sound really repeatitive when you say requested so close together. Use different diction. The sentance that starts with Sighing doesn't really flow. I would suggest you reword it.
"
Agian, you use My love. Find a different thing to call him.
Overall:
I think that this story sounds like a different version of Twilight. It can be avoided. Throw something of your own in their. In Twilight, a person is transformed in love. Bella is eager, just like Adam. Also there is a terrible thing going on when they change.
Vary your diction. Use different words. Don't use the same ones over and over. Your characters are also like little robots to me. Humanize them. Add some more emotion. What are they thinking? You do alot of telling instead of showing. Telling is okay, but not too much.
Your grammar and punctuation was okay. I can see where you made a few spelling mistakes and typos. But that can be cleaned up.
I know that you didn't want to get your story shredded. But I had to. I couldn't resist.
Reviews like this are to improve your writing and I hop that you understand. this story had potential. but as I said it needs some major editing. I want to wish you good luck. Keep writing.
Prologue
Not the strongest of lines to start. I prefer to start with a simple image or action, a short sentence. For instance, you could start off with:
The air was thick with tension.
Or some such.
What side effects? Are any long term? Expand here, and explain.
Landon stood to the side, waiting for my command.
She found it appealing? It's too...impersonal. As if it's of no real matter, just a bonus. Like you find the idea of having an icecream on a hot day appealing.
She should be excited, worried, stressed, ecstatic, and wary all at the same time. Add some real emotion here.
Calm. Changed.
'looking into his face' could be replaced with something better. How about, 'searching his expression for a hint of regret or fear.' Or, I dunno. You could think of something, I'm sure.
Show us. Did her heart speed up at the thought, did everything seem brighter? Did she flush?
You could cut out 'I did what he requested' completely, and it will still make sense, more efficiently. It will also get rid of the double-up on the word 'requested'.
Overall, this is quite short, and I have no real overall impressions as of yet. I don't know where the plot is going, so I can't help you there.
It's interesting enough, and I would keep reading. But I can't really give you much advice at this stage- it's rather short, and I can't think of much to say, sorry. Maybe just describe things a little more, include all five senses. This is what separates books from movies- books can show you inside the character and out, transport you there with smell, taste, and touch as well as sight and sound. Movies have to rely on pictures, sound, and music.
Also, expand your characters a little more. Add some emotion. Show, don't tell.
But before I can tell you what I think of the plot, I have to read it first! ^^
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help.
-Nutty
~edited..............again~
Angel of Death:
I can understand, but i didn't want to explain everything in full detail, because this scene is in a future and i plan to go into a lot more detail with that, instead of this. i hope you understand.
CJeanne13:
the famil detail goes in a lot more if you read the other chapters. i suppose I better take out the father thing since it is confusing everyone or explain it better, but how?
and thanks for catching on the mistake. i will go back and look at those and see if i can fix everything that people have a problem with.
Wow, it caught me. There is the mistake "abnormally clam" so just the spelling. I agree with the above comments and expanding a little. It was very good so far. And I'm guessing that Landon is her so-called father? That kind of confused me. Also, when you say, 'I re-tie his wrist back to the chair.' Shouldn't it be in past tense?
Another thing, 'I sighed in content and closed my eyes.' I think it should say, 'My happiness gave through with a sigh, while my eyes closed contentedly.' Or even, 'I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes.' Just some simple things. Great job, though. I am really looking forward to reading more.
Hello!
Well since this was a only a prologue I won't be too harsh. This needs more descriptions. When this is the first thing a person reads, you want it to hook their eyes and make them consume everything. Luckily I am the type of person who will read anything that has a good title and a little love scene. (Hopeless romantic) You write good but a little bit of descriptions would make this even better. There were a couple of misspelled words but I'm sure you can catch them if you do a read through.
I'll continue reading and you keep writing,
-Angel
I’m here to look at your revised version of your prologue, and let me tell you, you did a beautiful job. The more and more you edited this, Bri, the better and better it gets. I love the new version. It is so much more descriptive and so much more appealing. Like, using names and having more details is so terrific.
This, however, was kind of awkward for me. I’m not really sure why but I think it was just how much detail you had in so many sentences. Okay, maybe try something like this: I did what he requested. Immediately upon being released, he reached up with his free hand and tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear. Sighing as he cupped my cheek, out eyes met. He knew then that it was time. Re-tying his wrist back to the chair, I glanced over at Landon and nodded to him to begin the process that would change our lives forever. I think the main thing that happened was that you had too many “I” sentences. Hopefully this gave you an idea of how to work this.
Again, wonderful work on the rewrite!
Merry_haven:
Landon is her father. i changed the name from Aidan.
thanks for your feeback.
Would Landon be her father or someone else?
Talk about creepy and nasty.
Aww, how sweet.
I think you're looking for retied. Just add the d at the end.
I do hope this comes out well.
Well, there was barely any grammar mistakes that I saw. Which is good and I only has a few comments.
-Merry
i have edited again. so readers, new and old, check it out. please.
Okay, That's all i really found. You've probably edited this to death, so obviously...everyone else has pointed anything else out that I haven't.
Well, Now I just have to read more...on I go!!
--Jazz
It's really short, but it really makes me want to read what comes next.
I like how Adam is referred to as "Love" by "you". It shows that they probably have a long and good history together just by that nickname.
So now I'm off to read the next part because I can't this suspense.
You've made some good improvements. Just two minor suggestions this time:
Adam sat down in the chair and we bound him to [s]the[/s] it. I stayed by his side as Aidan, the one who changed me, [s]ready[/s] prepared for the transformation.
Thanks. I feel better about the prolouge, like it stronger and it will draw the reader into wanting to read the story.
Hey, Brianna!
Okay, I did notice a few things in your edited post:
You say "chair" twice. Changing the second "chair" to "it" would work better.
"changed" instead of "change" here.
I'm not sure how to explain it but the beginning of this sentence is sort of awkward. Try: It was a painful process that lasted two to three days... or something like that.
Too many "things"
"Love in his voice"? I'm not sure that is quite right...try compassion or something else. But I'm not sure "love" fits here.
You "looked" too many times. Try "glanced" or "peered"
I think "announced" would work better rather than "said" here, just because it is such a big thing, you know?
Other than that, I found this very enjoyable. Again, you have a way of hooking the reader, even in the shortness of the prologue so thumbs up to you!
Keep up the good work!
There. I have edited. I took some of the suggestion and I didn't. Please don't get offensive if i didn't use what you want me to. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know by pm me or leaving another comments. Maybe together we can smooth out the wrinkles.
NM
Night Mistress-
First of all it was a great prolouge that made me want more. Now who's speaking and who's eyes are we seeing it through? What emotions are shown through this vampire story? Maybe a little more in depth characterization could help. Overall it's great romantic, vampire story but hopefully it won't be like a average, cheesy, vampire story.
-Merry_Haven
Hey there, sorry for the delay! Okay so my first impression of this is that it's short but then that's rather obvious and prologues are often short. The trouble is that even for a prologue, this needs to be longer.
"Are you ready, love?" [I think this would be a better prologue if you started with description. Give your reader some idea of who your characters are, how many of them there are and where they are before you have them speak. Set the scene a little and lay down the atmosphere.] I asked him, clutching his hand. Aidan, my blood father, was ready to drain his blood and replace it with ours. It was a painful process that took over several days [Be more specific!] to complete. Thinking about it made me tighten my grip on his hand. Aidan stood [s]over at[/s] to the side, waiting for my command. [Try to avoid telling as opposed to showing. Instead, wait until the process is going to actually take place before describing it. Here you could simply write something like '...I asked him, clutching my love's hand. I was apprehensive and fear of what was to come caused me to cling to him desperately. Aidan stood calmly, waiting for my command and beside me my love sat, his body shaking with enthusiasm as opposed to nerves.']
"Yeah. Let's do it," he responded, eagerly.
"You have to be certain about it. Once it starts, there is no going back," I emitted [This doesn't seem the right choice of word. I'd suggest reminded or admonished or maybe even said you know? It's a good word to use.], looking into his face.
"I am ready for this. I want to be with you...forever," he crooned with love in his voice. I sighed and closed my eyes. I was ready to be with him forever, too. He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear. I opened my violet eyes and looked at him. I sighed again. I looked and nodded to Aidan to begin the process that would change our lives forever. [There's too much repetition of 'looked' and 'forever' here and it's starting to sound a little too much like your average vampire story. What makes these two characters special? What makes them different to others? If you want your reader hooked, you're going to need to concentrate on characterisation so that they want to know more about your characters and their story together. Describe them more than 'black hair and purple eyes.' What sort of figure does the girl have? What shape is her face? An oval? Round and plump with childhood? Does she have a small button nose or a large, sharp one? Sloping eyebrows or elongated, elegant eyebrows? Think carefully about how to make your characters -- and story -- unique and loveable.]
"Do it," I said as I laid a kiss on my love's hand. I began to pray that my love would come out of this safely. [I think you need to replace that second love by 'he' or give him a name.]
_________________________________
Overall, this has some potential but at the moment I can't comment much because it's short and it hasn't yet had a chance to branch away and prove that it's not just your average vampire story. My main advice is add description and uniqueness! Give them some more unusual speech. Are any of your characters the type to joke around a little to break the tension in such a situation? Or maybe the type to be deathly serious. Think about who they are.
are you talking about Aidan or 'your love'? When i was first reading it, it wasn't that clear
Is 'emitted' the right word to use? It makes me think of a train, maybe you should use a different word?
It was by this point, I was confused as i realised there must be more than one person, but I think if you clear that first bit up, make it clear that there's three people, then the confusion will be cleared! Also, i think if you changed 'love's' to 'Love's' it may give more of a sense of a person?
All together I think it's a great prologue & i'm going to keep a look out for the rest of the story!!
Hope you found this helpful,
Lucy xx
Separate that into two paragraphs.
[1] Is it strictly necessary to name her blood father? Will his name matter again?
[2] Does blood father mean, like, biological father or person who turned her into a vampire? (Assuming she is a vampire, that is.)
[3] If it's any kind of ritual, making an exact number of days would intensify the ritualistic aspect of it. Pick a significant number if you want; seven, thirteen, twenty-one, forty ...
[4] Well, that's a pretty interesting relationship. Why is her father waiting for her command? Exploring that could be very interesting. (I'm reminded of the scene in Interview with the Vampire when Claudia demands that Louis make her a companion. Very creepy.)
[5] Eagerly? I can understand that he's ready to make this sacrifice, but I doubt anyone is ever eager to go through a painful process, even if it is for their own good. (It's like looking forward to going to the dentist.)
[6] Emitted? No, just don't. You seem to have an aversion to "said," which isn't a good thing. "Said" is your friend; it becomes invisible, like punctuation. Save special words for specific circumstances. (Even if you insist on not using "said," I wouldn't go with "emitted." R2-D2 emits squeaks and whistles.
[7] This is a little stereotypically romance novel talk. Is this similar to a marriage ceremony? If so, an exchange of vows or whatever might make it more interesting to read.
[8]This is a little info-dump-y ... and violet eyes throw up a red flag for Mary Sue-ism. Can it be done? Yes, but it has been done often but not usually very well.
[9]Why haven't you told us the name of the narrator's lover? I think that's pretty important.
[10] I think this scene could use some expanding. She's really worried about him, so why not actually show her praying for his safety?
Hi NM! Sorry this took so long in coming, and if this is bleary, blame it on the sinuses.
By "blood father" I'm assuming you mean that he's a relation? If he is, then take it out and just say "father". If he isn't, then ignore me.
Replace his blood with ours? Who's "our"? I assume you'll make this clearer later on, but it might be nice to have an idea now.
You don't need the "eagerly". His dialogue shows that he's raring to go.
"Emitted" is really, really unecessary. Don't be afraid of said! It'll work just fine here.
As you have the ellipse, the tag drags the dialogue down. I'd take it out.
This could be just me, but the "sighed" part makes the narrator sound tired and kind of exasperated. It could be just me, but you might want to consider changing it.
Thanks to Spike Milligan, this can so easily become: "He reached up and tucked some black hair behind my ear. Whose hair it was, I've no idea." It's the "some" part that lets the side down. Perhaps you could make it, "a lock of black hair."
While you slipped in the detail about hair colour very nicely, here it doesn't work. It's forced. It isn't essential for us to know her eye colour, so just leave it out.
*spooky music* Foreshadowing!
This would go better as, "Do it," I said, laying a kiss on my love's hand.
This would be better as, I prayed that my love would come out of this safely.
--
Short, but it made me curious. One thing though - her "father" is her love? Ew. I hope this isn't time for an incest alert. *reads the other reviews* Wait, there might be more than one person beside the narrator? Oy vey, muchly confuzzled.
Try not to use too many whatyoucallthems. Adjectives. Describing words. Don't use them in tags unless you have a good reason.
/hypocrite.
Try and make the whole situation clearer. I know you want to make us curious and asking questions and all, but too much ambiguity will just put your readers off. You have to be careful with prologues. I remember one time I read a book and really liked the prologue, but the first chapter dealt with a completely different person, so I stopped reading, because I'd liked the people in the prologue so much.
Keep writing!
Sleeping Valor:
is that better? i could see why you would get confused.
Bunnie_i_am:
Yeah, but I knew it was going to be mention sooner or later.
Keep reading and you will find out his name.
Okay, I like it. It sounds a little like the Twilight series. I'm sorry, you really probably don't want to hear that, do you? I agree with the other folks, I would like to know his name. It really has my attention though, so keep writing!
^_^ Okay. This was very short and I saw very few errors (I pointed out the ones I saw).
I have only one real question: Who is who?
I assumed the 'him' she is holding hands with was Aidan, but I later realised maybe he wasn't. It's hard to tell because there are two guys here. I really only figured it out because I realized it was weird for her to be calling her 'father' love. =P That could be fixed by...
a) Specifying who 'he' is, if only by saying 'I asked my lover' or something like that. The last time she speaks she is talking to aidan, so maybe specify this rather than risk us assuming she is speaking to her lover.
b) If Aidan is in the same room, you could have him waiting at a distance, and specify that by having her acknowledge (she looks at him 'he stood waiting at the other end of the room') this distance, so we can understand she isn't actually speaking to him.
c)
Anyways, that confused me for a second but maybe it was just me.
Oh! But speaking of where they are in relaiton to each other... where are they? I know this bit is short, but if you'd like to make it even better you could take some time to describe the location and characters a bit. That would definitely give it some richness to accompany the romantic plot.
You did what a prologue is suppose to do, I want to read more.
You have me interested and I can't wait to find out what happens.
Two things though, I think that you should tell us names, I always feel that this is the frame of a character and you can't know anything else about them until you know their name, but maybe thats just me.
Also this was very short!
Sorry, I just love this so far and I want to know the story behind this scene and everything that will happen beyond it!
I will wait eagerly for more! Good luck and happy writing!
Although this was very short I very much enjoyed reading it and only wish it were longer! You are very good with sensatory description, I almost felt like I was her, even though I didn't know her or the circumstances that got her to where she is, but i hope to find all of that out! You have a talent keep going with this, I can't wait to read some more!
PM me when you have the first chapter out please!
OOH!
Okay, I do agree, that for a first pst, this was short, but it was the prologue. Not to appear rebellious, but Night Mistress can tell us the name of "Love" when she deems it nessecary. Oh, by the way, you spelled 'Poison' wrong in the title.
Adulteratedly,
Lily
Are you kidding me? That's it?! That's all you wrote.... c'mon get on the ball woman I want to read more!!! What's going to happen? Who are they? How'd they fall in love? C'mon write write write!!! Lol sorry I just love romance and title is so.....captivating. I hope you're going somewhere with this. Keep writing and best of luck!
-Max
This is exiting! I can't wait to read more! There were just a couple errors and comments I would like to make, though:
I cannot wait to read the next chapter! I'm already hooked!
Is that a bit better?
Ashelylee and Periwinkle:
Thanks for looking at my story. I know this wwas short but I want to get the reader's attention into this. I promise that the other chapter will be longer.
Kay, here's the dealio: my suggestions/comments/critiques shall be in bold. Your work will in the quotes of course, but the parts that I'm going to comment on will be in italics.
Prologue:
I don't quite understand that last sentence... I think it's just me though. If there were more to this short excerpt, it would probably begin to make sense.
Night Mistress!
I would love to have read more of this!
I see that you have finally posted your new story!
I was so excited to read it!
But I must say, it was too short for my taste!
But, it was good. I liked it. You made the reader WANT to read more of your story, which is always the main point of a prolouge.
All right, well, I hope you post more of this so I can read more!
I thought this was interesting. The only thing I can say is you said "said" to much...change it up.
Short review for a short piece...PM me if you have any questions.