The dark night was lit up bright, with glorious fluorescence stretched across the expanse. The white snow and the starry night juxtaposed, glorifying themselves. A lone star shone bright, atop a tree that was made up magnificently, and that had all the attention. People, gay and merry, spread across the clearing were all smiles. Christmas spirit huh?
A cold breeze embraced me from behind with its cold hands and it felt as if it was trying to pass on the spirit. I was shaken back to reality. I sighed as I closed the door behind me and paced along the expanse. Along the route, I looked at the little box in my left hand.
“To Jay Kapoor :D” it said.
My son Jay, was a 15 year old. He and my colleague Cathy were quite close, or so they seemed. This box was Cathy’s gift. I wish it was mine. But it wasn’t. I will have to make do with a small gift this time also. It felt wrong. I knew he deserved better.
“... ... ...”
My left pocket vibrated with a phone call. Working at a hotline office you tend to have a few habits stick to you rather than not. It was Cathy.
“Hi.”
“Kris. There’s a problem. We have a call on the line and there is no one to receive it.”
Talk about Christmas spirit.
“Cathy. I’m really sorry but I have few errands to run. Can’t you try with David?”
“No can do. You are the closest professional here.”
“But...”
“Kris, he is a kid.”
“...”
I could never ignore a child. Probably because I didn’t want them to live a life like I did. Living with a father who didn’t care about me. All I am left of my childhood are crippling memories.
“I’m taking the case.”
I said as I reached a conclusion. I ended the call and started to cut through the crowd as swift as I could.
As I reached the door, I hesitated, but the emotions quickly subsided. I turned the door knob and reached for my cubicle.
‘Krishna Kapoor’ it read.
Taking a deep breath and calming my emotions I signalled to Cathy across the glass cube, who in turn replied with a thumbs up and connected our calls.
“Hello. You have called at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. How may I help you?”
After what seemed like a long amount of time the static noise passed through the earphone.
“...um. I am af-afraid.”
I could sense the sobbing of the kid. Maybe it was the reason, but the voice seemed eerily familiar.
“You can tell me anything you feel like talking about. I assure you this conversation will be kept confidential. So, what should I call you?”
“..um. J-Jay. Jay Kapoor.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello there, Emm here to provide a review.
The concept was great I thought. The subject matter will turn off some but I am a rather morbid person and love things like this.
First things first: The first paragraph really needs to be reigned in.
Beautiful and long words rich with imagery are great for good writing but 'glorifying' ,'fluorescence', 'juxtaposed', 'magnificently', all in the first three sentences is just a bit heavy in my opinion. On occasion less is more.
In line one you use the word 'expanse' to describe the sky(as it is often used), however in second paragraph you refer to your viewpoint character as 'pacing along the expanse' this could confuse readers unless your main character is one of those Skywalker's.
"Hello. You have called at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. How may I help you?" Now I have never called a suicide prevention hotline I admit so dont take this as fact and I could be completely wrong but I have a feeling they dont open with "How may I help you?" Though it would be an appropriate question I am guessing they would be more subtle in offering help to a person in such a compromised state of being.
Solid foundation here. Again, I enjoyed it, keep writing. I dont know if this is a one-off short or the beginning of something but I assure you that as a reader I am eager to know what comes next.
Hope I was helpful.
Hey, Silverberry here! Really great short story! I enjoy how it ended the most, for you left me curious, and suspenseful endings are always interesting. I like the meaning, and how Kris wasn't happy with his life and a little jealous of Jay, yet Jay was the sucidal one. The whole story had a very dreary tone (in a good way, it set the setting) and a really cool mood to it that I think you were great at painting with your very interesting descriptions. There are a few things I would advice you of, however, which are basically about writing in general.
Though this line shows a little more about Kris's backstory, it would be better if you showed the mental scars Kris has now by small thoughts or oddities, or flash back to the time where Kris lived with his father. Show more than tell.There are some lines that you write that sound a little blunt, and the main problem is telling instead of showing. For example;
This line also confused me a little because of the spirit thing. How was the breeze trying to pass on the spirit? What about the cold connects with Christmas spirit? Perhaps explain this a little more. Also, the transition to "I was shaken back to reality" is a little blunt and awkward, try to have a longer sentence or transition to make it a little smoother.
I thought it was really interesting how you had Kris work in a suicide hotline, for that added a lot to his character, and I'm really curious with why he chose that position. I understand that he now has some "crippling memories" of his past, but perhaps talk about his own thoughts about suicide and what led him to wanting to be a part of the hotline?
Finally, I want to know more about Cathy. You explain that she's a colligue of Kris's who's interesting in his son. The gift was a nice touch, but I think expanding more on Cathy and Jay would perhaps hint onto what might make Jay want to commit suicide, and add suspense and dramatic irony. Basically, adding more background to the story would add a little more reality and connection with the character and make Jay's call even more of a twist.
Anyways, great story! I hope I was helpful and that you add a little more for I'm curious to see how this story progresses, but I can definitely see why you left it the way you did, it was a very interesting twist! Keep writing!
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
This is an interesting work. i like the idea you have here, of how a man is working to make other's lives easier than his has been, and yet his own son still finds the need to kill himself. It's a fascinating, almost macabre look on human nature, and i find it fascinating. However, while i liked the idea, i felt there was much you could do to improve upon it's transmission through this piece.
The main problem i had with this piece, i think, was the lack of background regarding the characters, which i think is very important in this situation. For example, we know that Krishna had a rough childhood. But what specifically was wrong, which pushed him to want to work for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline? Did he, too, at one point attempt to kill himself? i believe you mentioned that the Krishna is an immigrant in the description of the piece, but that is not addressed in the story. This detail could also play an important role in the story. Why did Krishna move? Did this, too, have something to do with his difficult childhood? And what does Jay have to do with this? Is Jay also an immigrant, or a native? What about Cathy? What's her significance. There are plenty more questions i could ask, and plenty more details to include, but i think these ones are the most important. They could play a huge role in foreshadowing and making the ending even more dramatic, delivering a harsher impact to your audience.
Now, background is the main thing that i recommend you work on including, so if you're getting bored, stop reading now and go include some of those details! If not, i have a few grammar suggestion regarding commas. It seemed to me as i was reading this that you weren't really sure when to properly use commas. i'm sure you know that commas indicate a pause, and i noticed a few places in this piece where awkward pauses were indicated by commas or lack of commas. For example,
This quote is an appositive phrase, or at least, it should be. An appositive phrase is a phrase in which extra information is provided, but you don't really need to know that. What you do need to understand is how the comma after "Jay" but the lack of comma before creates for an awkward pause which interrupts the phrase. Try reading it aloud and see if you can hear how odd it sounds. The way to fix this is simple, just insert a comma before Jay. There were a few other places throughout the piece where lack of commas, or excess of commas, provided other odd pauses. i suggest reading through again carefully, keeping an eye out for any of those places or any grammar mistakes you might have missed.
Anyways, sorry if all that seemed a little harsh! You have a very good idea here, which could be a very strong comment on human nature with a little more work. Good luck, and i look forward to reading future works of yours.
herbgirl
Hey, thanks a lot for the review. It was not at all harsh, and even if it was all type of criticism is welcomed. I'll try to develop the story and the characters a bit more. Thanks again for your input.
Hi, Nieeblur! I'm Pan, and I will be stirring up a quick review for you today.
Intriguing story! I quite like how pared back it is - you never dump too much information on us at once, which means that it reads easily and clearly. The idea is quite chilling, though it left me a bit wrong footed; you don't give the reader many hints that Jay is fragile, so it comes as a shock to find him on the end of the line. It might actually be better if you extended the story a little, just to give us a bit more of an idea as to why he called and what factors have led up to it. I want to know more!
I didn't notice any major errors with punctuation or spelling, which is a plus - I'd only tell you to remember that 'um' still needs capitalising if it's at the start of a sentence, because you forget to capitalise it in Jay's dialogue. You generally have good control of your sentences, too - your style is refreshingly simple to read.
My main advice? Showing and telling. You do have a tendency to spell things out quite plainly to the reader, rather than leaving them to infer meaning for themselves. For example, here:
In this section, you inform the reader that Kris can't ignore children because of her own childhood trauma. Which is all well and good, but it isn't particularly involving. In order to pull your reader into the story, you need to paint just enough detail that they understand, but not so much that they don't have to connect the dots and make their own conclusions. This is what showing is - writing in such a way that the reader has to infer rather than be informed.
In the quote above, you can show in a number of ways. Rather than saying 'I could never ignore a child', you could simply have her pressing her lips together and wordlessly cutting through the crowd. From this, the reader can infer that she has changed her mind, and thus that she has a particular need to protect children.
In regards to her childhood trauma, perhaps don't mention that she had a father that didn't care about her. Instead, you could give a brief description of some of the memories she has of growing up, maybe of raised voices, bruised arms, lying awake and alone in bed - whatever you imagine her childhood to be like. This will be enough to imply what kind of life she had, and the reader will put two and two together and form their own conclusions about why she is so protective of kids.
Also, on a slightly more nitpicky note: watch your tenses. I notice in the fourth paragraph that you slip into present tense with 'I wish it was mine', even though the rest of the story is in past tense. Easy to fix, but important to look out for.
Hope this helped! PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey, thanks a lot for your review. Well I definitely agree with all the things you've said. I'll try to improve. Review me again then, will ya?