The touch of rising Sun
Made the room golden,
Except for a room corner
Which preferred to stay put.
There a mirror stood inclined
With a reflection of a man
Who was frail and shaking
And disgust in his eyes.
He tried to move
Towards the line of light,
His face showed hope
Two streams down his eyes.
But the mirror was shattered
And the man had his demise,
A masked man stood up in front of the cracked mirror
Ready to run away from his life.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey! Ejay here for a review!
To begin with , I was really intrigued by the title. It just grabbed my attention so well , that even before I knew it , I was reading your poem . So, Good Work on that . Secondly , as my fellow reviewer had mentioned , associating words with colours has given a whole new approach to the way words have been viewed . I think this uniqueness is what holds your poem up .
I don't know why , but I really loved your last two lines . My suggestion is that you either group your lines in two's so that you can present it in the form of couplets , or break it into small paragraphs .
It makes the poem a lot more easier to read .
I think this is a really good poem . Just work on the spacing , and this poem will just be Great !!
Cheers !
Regards ,
Ejay
Thanks a lot mate
Will be sure to keep that in mind.
Hi! First of all welcome to the YWS, my name is Cheetah and I will be your reviewer today!
First of all, I love the description you give. It may not be in so many words but I feel as if I can see this room you are describing. Then comes the distraught, and probably broken man in the mirror and I can't help but wonder what he is so disgusted by... Then you realized toward the end of the poem when the man in the mirror meets his demise and the masked man stand to run away... that the man in the mirror is disgusted by his own actions? By himself? Which is why he is wearing a mask? He is running so he can start a new life as a new man, not the one in the mirror, as he is dead which is what the shattered mirror symbolizes.
Very good job on the poem! Can't wait to read more from you!
Thanks a lot mate. It means a lot.
No problemo!
No problemo!
No problemo!
No problemo!
No problemo!
No problemo!
Hey, EverWinter here to review!
So I love poetry, and I think this is a great start. It's short enough to be interesting but long enough to cover the story you're telling (my teacher always compared it to a mini skirt).
But what I think this needs is color. When I read poetry, I always see a color in my head that the words give me. When I read this, the tone made me think a pale pink and I don't know if that was what you were going for. Assign it a color in your head and write to show that color. This poem could be black, so you'd try to use words that make it seem dark and almost condemned.
Another thing is that this character doesn't connect with the readers well, so I'd try to make him more connectable. You want this character to form a bond with the reader so they'll remember him and see his face. You could try metaphors to make him seem more real, or use actions that every person has done. Have him curl up in a ball or grit his teeth. Something like that.
I think this poem has a great start, and I really hope you keep working on it!
EverWinter
Hey there EverWinter. Thanks a lot for your review. Means a lot. Especially association of words with a color. Had never thought in that direction. Again, thanks a bunch.