Dream`1`14`

Must I be alone?

It’s past-midnight and it’s quiet here. My bedroom is dimly lighted. Passing my time by reading a YA novel, I just don’t want to sleep. Sleeping is essentially normal, but I always have a dream. Yes, a dream. Not every single time, but I the odd is higher for me to have it. It’s horrible, the dream. It doesn’t involve ghosts or madmen or vampires, but it’s just about a person. Wait, two, adds me. I just love this person, and the person haunts me in my dreams. I said no ghost, so he is still alive. And I’m still meeting him almost every day too (and obviously I don’t mean in the dream); he isn’t someone scary or bad, but I can’t face him. When I mentioned I’m still meeting this person, I mean we just occasionally bump into each other because we are in the same school.

The thing is, in that dream, he is walking around in the school (the place is random each dream, but the content is the same) and I see him… walking… from at least 10 metres. He doesn’t see me yet. When he does see me, our eyes get chained. The feeling of fear increases. He stares at me and I stare at him. Pluses the feeling of awkwardness. It’s hard to explain. After that I wake up suddenly with sweats around me—really uncomfortable. I know I have to do something about it, but I don’t know how.

That’s it. I’m a boy, he is a boy, we aren’t gay or something, we were friend.

I close my book and go out for a walk. It’s nice outside even though it is dangerous to go outside when it’s night. I open the door, walk through the living room and find the toggle of the main door that leads outside. I take a deep breath. I step outside.

I’m alone. I don’t have my mom or my dad here, although I have my sister sleeping in her room. The four of us make us a family. My parents have to go somewhere because of their work. I am old enough to take care of myself and my sister, Anne, is having her semester break from her college right now. It’s summer.

The summer’s night is really cold. I just put on myself some white long-sleeve T-shirt and my lousy long pant. Even it is cold, it’s comfortable and really nice overall. I’m living in some countryside neighbourhood, so it’s really quiet. No cars on the road, but one or two pass over rarely.

I walk to the nearest 24 convenient shop. I don’t intend to buy anything, but at least there is human there. My friend, Dave, works there night shifts.

I hate being alone. Tonight it is quieter than normal. The crickets aren’t singing. The streetlights seem lonelier than normal. No stupid dogs are barking at me. The whole way seems farther like I’ve been walking for 20 minutes? but I can’t see the shop yet. My legs feel weak. My whole body actually is. Approximately, it’s 2:40 now which my watch shows.

The most darn thing happens.

The shop’s closed? No. I get crashed by a car? No. I’m dying? No, but it is partly true. The answer is I see him. The boy from the dream. Right now. He is not supposedly to be here. Although it is his freedom to go anywhere, but his house is not around here. It’s so much far away. So why? I went out to escape from him, but here he is, much more concrete.

He is, like in the dream, 10 metres or more from me, he doesn’t notice me yet. I want to crawl back to my house, but I shouldn’t do so. My heart is telling me to march forward because this fateful encounter may be a resolution to all the dreams. Since we aren’t friend anymore, he started to haunt me in my dream. We may be friend again… tonight.

I continue to walk like usual because I’m innocence. I do no wrong. This is my neighbourhood. It’s so normal for me to walk in these hours here. And he is not. My heart beats faster because I-don’t-know-why. He is wearing a blue sweater. He is alone too. No one by his side, and he is standing out of nowhere, stilled.

“Dan?” I blurt.

He notices that and looks quite shocked. He catches my eyes and says, “Aaron?”

“Why are you here?”

“I could say that to you too, you know?” He replied.

Our relationships now are bad. We do not even ‘hi’ each other at school. He is younger than me though, but I don’t get it. Why is he being rude to me? I ask him politely. He changed. A lot. We are two years apart. I understand that he has his problems, but he should be respecting me more.

I sigh. “You can’t say that. I live here. You aren’t from here. It’s normal for me to be here.” A moment of silent and I sigh again. “I’ll answer my own question anyway: See that shop, that’s where I’m heading.”

“Oh,” he awkwardly says. “Well, that’s it.”

“You’re not lost, aren’t you?”

“I… I’m waiting for someone,” he utters.

“I ask again, why are you here? No, rather, how can you be here?”

He isn’t answering. A minute passes. I know him well. Really well like he is my younger brother or something like that. I often slept beside him when at the dorm his dorm mate is sleeping elsewhere. He asked me because he was lonely. I know it is painful to be lonely, so as his friend I accepted his invitation. He is a spoiled and shy boy. Puberty might have been the cause of our bad ties now. However, I don’t think so because he is not someone like that. He started to pull himself from me with no valid reason.

“I… don’t… have answer to that,” he finally says.

“How’s that possible?”

“One moment I was in my room, and the next, I realized I was lying on the nearby forest. I walked here. I intended to go that shop and asked someone, but I was petrified. My body got really numb. My mind is quite distorted.”

“Weird… Your parents must be worried. Are your parents there?”

“They died a month ago…”

I get shocked. Oh my dear. A lot of things happened to him after we parted ways last year. I should have been the one to repair our ties back then… I tried, but he just went away. Now I feel guilty...?

“Sorry.” I pause a while. “So which room you mentioned are you in?”

“An orphanage…” He spurts, “I live in an orphanage. My sister sent me there. My sister said she couldn’t raise me, so I accepted it. I realized something weird in the orphanage like everyone was bad and seemed to be quite rude including the guardians, but I just didn’t care. Until tonight. I might have been kicked out, but it’s still weird. How can I ended up here? If they wanted to exile me than I just can go somewhere else. It seems like they want to get fined or...”

“You lied to me,” I interrupted.

“What?”

“You aren’t waiting for someone.”

“Sorry.”

And now he is being polite. I know he is a complex person. I feel really bad now. I want to cry. His life is miserable. He has scholarship for getting in the school. He is quite poor, and I respected that.

“You can stay in my house. No, you must. I know your sister is quite cruel. I saw what she’d done to you last year.”

“It’s okay, I can get a taxi or…”

I grabbed his hand. “Now, I am lonely. You are going to be my friend again. You’ve been avoiding me, I know. You have your reasons. But you got no reasons now to not accept me.”

“Aaron! Okay, I’m sorry…” His eyes are wet. He’s crying. “Sorry… I was forced to. I was happy to have you. You were my only friend. I got no one now. I got you last year, but I got no one this year. My sister forced me to not friend you. I tried to ignore her, but she threatened me. She said that I mustn’t be with you because you’re rich and I got nothing. I’m only there to ruin your life, she said. To success, I must live my life alone. Because that’s my fate, my sister said.”

I offer my hand to hug him. He cries and I keep him in my embrace. “Let’s go home. I cooked extra last dinner, you must be hungry. Settle up in my house, my bed is huge and empty.”

***

We arrive at home. It’s the same like I left it. I unlock the door and welcome him in. I know he is surprised to see my house. It’s a big house and I know he never sleeps in a house this big. I go inside my bedroom first. My sister’s is on the first floor and mine is on the ground floor. I hate stairs.

“I know you’re a shy boy, but don’t be now. Go get some bath.” I pull out a towel and some clothing from my closet, and give it to him. “Use these. I think we are about the same size, right?”

“Yeah, thanks,” he says, almost a whisper.

Now it is 3 past midnight. I don’t get to talk with Dave, but it’s the same anyway. Much better in fact. At least I won’t be lonely anymore. My eyes feel heavy. I tell Dan from outside the bathroom door that I’m going to sleep now. I tell him to reheat the soup on the stove if he wants to eat, and I tell him to sleep beside me like he used to do. And I tell him not to afraid of me. Luckily, I remember to tell my sister first about him. You know how a girl can react when she sees a male stranger in her home.

I open the door of my room and clean up the bed. I have several messes on my bed. Stationeries. Clothes. Some CD’s. I pick up my novel which I left it on the desk and put it into the drawer. I open the window and look out for the stars. It’s a habit. I can’t sleep without seeing them first. The stars and the moon and the night sky make me calm and make me quite easy to empty my mind to have a sleep.

“So beautiful,” I whisper and close the window. I reach out for my bed and my blanket, and a moment later I am grateful I have someone with me. Although at the dormitory, I’ve my dorm mates with me, but I’ve never be so friendly with them. My trust is hard to get. I met Dave when I was still younger. He is my first friend in this neighbourhood when I moved here twelve years ago. I make a small prayer that I hope Dan will be my friend again and he will live here. I really hope so. I just have my sister and we are good together, but I want to have a brother. Someone of my own gender. I don’t care whether he is younger or older.

I sigh and fall into sleep. I think the dream will come, but I think it’ll change. I make a change after all.

That night, I’m awaken by the sound of the door opening. It’s Dan, I know. I don’t wish to confront him that time, so slowly I grab the blanket and roll myself. He notices that. Before I dive into my sleep again, I can hear he says to me, “Good night, brother.” Before, I was the one who patted his head and casted him good night. 

It's quite unexpected when he called me brother.

Well, some people call us brothers in school (including the teachers) because we are on the same course (but different class, he is freshman and I'm a senior) and wear the same kind of spectacle, a black-rimmed one and we have many other similarities. However, for him to call me one is really been something I would love him to do. However, I disapprove people from calling us brother. Well, he’s a shy and humble boy, and he gets attention because of me. I know he hates attention and I try to not burden him although sometimes I would think that all these people-calling things might be the one that broke the ties over us.

“Good night, too,” I reply although It is just quietly whisper to him and I know he doesn’t hear it. I’m glad.