A tanka for one poem (14/1/2017)

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red roses
burning like candle
on your palm
the bamboo under
you roofs you, it rains

***************

Each petal drops on the ground
like the ground splattered with blood.
every liter of the blood goes flowing down
to the nearby rivers surrounded by bamboos.

The dew from a bamboo falls to the water
and creates a hole of pureness in the middle
of the red river. The red river is from the ocean
of your saltwater. The dew is from me.

You count the petals for two hours
because each rose says you have no hope.
"One: He loves me. Two: He hates me.
Three: He hates me. Four: He loves me.

"Five: He loves me. Six: He hates me.
Seven: He hates me---" Each petal falls
like it gives you a hope to live on like a candle
which will illuminate your life, but dies shortly

after. I'm the bamboo, sheltering you.

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 3:07 am

fukase says...

Thanks for all the delicious pancake reviews.

I am just here to justify why I did 3/5/3/5/5 tanka form instead of 5/7/5/7/7 because this form is originally from Japanese language and It doesn't use the syllables as the ruler, but "on" or in another word, sound. And often 7 syllables in English refer to more than 10 "on" in Japanese!! That is why I shorten it to 5 syllables, so its meaning would be concise as a haiku/tanka really is.

Most of the facts can be googled easily and there will be a lot of similar facts in term of haiku.

Thanks.

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:05 am

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Omni wrote a review...

Hey there NicolMemo! I don't normally review much poetry, but I will give it my best show. Let's jump right in.

Right off the bat, the first poem isn't actually a tanka? A quick google search (because I don't know poetry myself) indicates that a tanka is 5-7-5-7-7, whereas yours is 3-5-3-5-5. Onto the substance itself though.

red roses
burning like candle
on your palm
the bamboo under
you roofs you, it rains

I know you're restricted on the amount of syllables you can use, but this seems disjointed. I think the first two lines

could be better suited if you switched "candle" to "candles".

The last two lines just don't make sense to me. "you roofs you" especially. I tried to figure out what you were trying to say here but I'm just not coming up with anything.

Each petal drops on the ground
like the ground splattered with blood.

like the ground is splattered with blood? The first part would flow better if you transitioned the simile of the ground covered in blood to a metaphor, since I believe that's what you were going for anyway, an extended metaphor throughout this entire poem (or analogy).

every liter of the blood goes flowing down
to the nearby rivers surrounded by bamboos.

Filler words like "the" and "goes" are wasted in a poem, when every word means something and counts. It slows down and flow that you're wanting here. You also switch from present tense verb (drops) to past tense (splattered) back to present tense here. "Goes" especially harms the verb "flowing" here, as it weakens it significantly.

The dew from a bamboo falls to the water
and creates a hole of pureness in the middle
of the red river. The red river is from the ocean
of your saltwater. The dew is from me.

More filler words here ("a" bamboo, "the" water,, "a" hole "of" pureness) that slow the poem down a bit, but you imagery here is stunning and vivid. I'd love it if the poem focused on that more.

The metaphor in the last two lines here are abrupt and shocking because of it. I think it would have done much better if it was more subtle here, as subtle as the metaphor earlier. Perhaps just sneaking in hints oh the two characters would work much better.

You count the petals for two hours
because each rose says you have no hope.
"One: He loves me. Two: He hates me.
Three: He hates me. Four: He loves me.

This is a take on the classic "he loves me, he loves me not" and I think it is a nice take on it.
The personification of the roses are a little weak here (as the word says isn't a strong verb on its own) but I think it works fine in the poem here.

"Five: He loves me. Six: He hates me.
Seven: He hates me---" Each petal falls
like it gives you a hope to live on like a candle
which will illuminate your life, but dies shortly

You switch from present to future tense here, then back to present. It's not as glaring here, and I think could fit in fine, but when couple with the tense switches scattered throughout the entirety of this poem, I think it should at least be pointed out. I think the simile here is perhaps the strongest use of one in the entire poem, as it really shows the reader how this person feels as the petal drops into the river.

The last line is weak. It goes back to the abrupt metaphor before, and still feels out of place here. "after" here can be put in the last stanza or just removed, and it wouldn't affect the poem negatively at all. The continued mention of the metaphor just isn't needed here, I don't think, and the bluntness of it doesn't work well in the situation. I believe shifting the focus of the poem more to the extended metaphor at the beginning of it would work wonders here.

Overall, I like it, but I think it can be improved definitely. The premise here is strong, and some of the metaphors used here are powerful and vivid. I do like the way you put a twist on the classic "pulling the petals off" but it all seems very disjointed from another. It feels like there's three different thoughts going on at once here and the idea to put them together was a bit of an afterthought. Because of that, none of them work too well or stand out as being something amazing. I'll give you kudos though, this was a wonderful piece to read, and much better than any kind of poetry I can think of.

Well, I hope this helped, and keep writing! <3

fukase says...

Thanks for the review!

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:11 am

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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there NicolMemo! Niteowl here for Team Pencils and Swords this fine Review Day!

So I'm trying a new style of reviewing, where I summarize/analyze the poem for emotion, originality, clarity, and tone, then I'll go back through and point out any nit-picks I have.

First off, your title suggests you intended for the first part to be a tanka, which is actually 5/7/5/7/7. Source. You could edit it to make it work, because I like the idea of an introduction of sorts to the rest of the poem.

I feel like the speaker is writing about unrequited love, but from a unique perspective. They're trying to comfort someone else who is desperate and hoping for something that is hopeless. The analogy of blood and the red river suggests that this person may also be harming themselves, but that's not quite as clear. The speaker is trying to bring in a fresh perspective (the dew), but feels overwhelmed by the red river of the other person's pain. It uses some love-related cliches, but in a unique way and from a different perspective than the typical "unrequited love" poem, which really makes it stand out.

As far as nitpicks go, the only one I have right now is in the first stanza of the non-tanka poem. It feels somewhat awkward to me, but I can't pinpoint exactly why. It might be the repetition of "the ground" and "the blood". It may be smoother without so much "the".

Overall, I really liked this. Great job and keep writing!

fukase says...

Thanks!

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:58 am

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Virgil wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here for a review!

I found two things a little odd before I jump into the actual content of the review. I get that the two poems are a bit similar in content, but I don't know why you grouped them together because that means the reviewer has to review both poems. Another thing that I was wondering about is why you put the date down. Is it because you happened to write it on the 14th and this was written awhile back, or is that when the poem takes place as a memory or event? Nonetheless, let's jump into these poems.

red roses
burning like candle
on your palm
the bamboo under
you roofs you, it rains

This tanka didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, and it isn't really a tanka for the reasons I'm going to say or list. A tanka is a poem in which there are five lines, with five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second line, and so on until the poem ends with five lines. You don't have nearly enough syllables on each line and they don't really make a lot of sense after the first one. In the second line, it should be "Burning like candles" and then I suggest having a period after the third line. Another thing is that the last two lines don't really make all that much sense together with the last line being "you roofs you, it rains".

Jumping into the second poem now that I've finished talking about the first and that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, let's jump into the second poem. I like the structure that you use for this poem oddly enough, even though I'm rarely a fan of poems that are solely made up of quatrains.

The grammar or punctuation in the poem isn't all that great because you miss the capitalization in a few places and then I disliked some of the punctuation that you used. Jumping right into the first stanza, I think a period would be beneficial after the first line because it would help the flow.

Capitalize "Every" to keep it consistent in the start of the third line, but other than that, I thought it was a strong starting stanza. The first and second line use "ground" close to each other and I think they could use rewording so that it isn't that way. The actual imagery that you're trying to get across in the overall poem is strong, it's just the wording and flow that holds it back for the most part. "Bamboos" at the end of the last line in the first stanza can just be "bamboo".

The wording is flow is what holds the rest of the poem down as well but the imagery that you use is strong and I like the message that you're trying to get across, but it can be improved from here. I don't know why the last line of the poem isn't apart of the last stanza because it connects to it. I don't really mind it but the only real reason I could see why you did this is because the rest of the poem is formed in quatrains. Strengthen your imagery and play around with the flow and wording, and I think this'll be a solid poem.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

fukase says...

Your review helped a lot.

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:54 am

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sheysse wrote a review...

Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Admittedly, I had to google what a tanka was. The definition I got was a five line poem, with the first and third line having 5 syllables and the others having 7. I'm having trouble finding the tanka... Is it the first part?

My question is really, what was the connection to the tanka and the poem? I understood the that the poem mentioned bamboo like the tanka, but it never REALLY connected the petal concept.

Also, I think there was a typo in the last line of the tanka. Not sure what it was trying to say, so I can't be sure.

I loved the rhythm of this poem. It was fluent, and it didn't occasionally get lost in the words. The stanza breaks were pretty good, too. My one comment about that was the last line. I suggest the "after" be in the line before the last. That way it doesn't feel so isolated. "In the bamboo, sheltering you" should stay, though.

Overall, bravo! Awesome poem, NicolMemo! I look forward to seeing more of your works. Adieu!

-Sheyren

fukase says...

Thanks sweetie.

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A tanka for one poem (14/1/2017)

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