Chapter 1: A Bad Beginning
There was no denying it. Trondheim was the most miserable city I’d come across yet. It's skyscrapers were only a monument to the sufferings of the slave labor used to erect them. I wondered how many elves and dwarves had died to build them to please the government's wants. It just stank of evil and believe me, I know the smell of evil. It's been drummed into me most of my life.
I had a run in with a fire dragon a few years back. Apparently, my dad had killed the dragon’s mother’s cousin’s uncle’s nephew’s niece (it was a family dragon) and he wanted vengeance. He hunted for my father for ten years but when he caught up with my dad, my dad was dead. The dragon got mad, burnt my mother to a crisp, and cursed me. I was only fourteen at the time. That very night I learned what the dragon meant when he said, “In payment of this debt, a dragon's and human's bodies have met. Let her be fire and heat, never saving water to meet.”
Like I said, I was only fourteen when the dragon cursed me. When I escaped the crazy beast, I thought my life was already cursed. I was made an orphan in about five seconds. It was very drastic, if you ask me. That very night I escaped the dragon’s cave when he was asleep. A farmer’s wife found me and gave me a place to sleep for the night. That was my first big mistake. That very night she died in a fire that burned the entire farm down to the ground. I was the only one who survived. That put the local security guards on the hunt. Needless to say, I left the area very soon after that.
I tried to avoid people after I found out that the dragon had made me into a murderess. People died from just being in contact with me. I started to hate myself. The only good thing about my curse was that it kept me on the move. I saw sights that I never would have seen as the daughter of a wandering tinker. I jumped from city to city never staying very long in one place. I’d stay just long enough to get some food and then I’d leave. I couldn't stay long enough to make friends. I'd lose control of myself if I did. I was always on the go.
Anyways, I’d never been to Trondheim before. It was huge. It’s skyscrapers were easily twice as tall as the tallest skyscraper in Faeroe. It was also a huge contradiction. It’s skyscrapers and high-tech cars clashed with its gas-lamps and cobblestone streets.
I think they prided themselves on being as weird as possible. I wish the camera had already been invented(they haven’t yet), because I would so show you a picture of the hats these people were wearing. The smallest was at least two feet wide and three feet high. As for their make-up, I only wish I had brought masks and paper bags because the color combinations were horrific. Their lipstick was a nightmare. They would paint half of their upper lip red and the bottom lip they would paint dark purple. What really made it bad, was that even the men were wearing make-up!!! In case you haven’t noticed, men are very bad at applying make-up and they are too stupid to let their wives do it (if they have one). The general rule about clothing seemed to be the bigger and louder, the better. It was a strange place, to say the least.
I was standing on a curb taking all of this in, when I noticed a strange-looking man standing across the street just staring at me. This wasn’t the first time I’d noticed strange looking men just looking at me. In fact, it happened so often that I’d actually grown used to it. But what made me look twice at this man was how young he was. He looked twenty at the most. Most of the men I’d seen scrutinizing me had been at least in their early thirties, if not older. He was wearing a long dark trench coat and nondescript clothes. He wasn’t wearing make-up, so if he was trying to look ordinary he seriously failed. Every person who passed him stopped and looked primly shocked. Don’t ask me how a man looks prim. I couldn’t even begin to describe to you how ridiculous it looked.
I had to flatten myself against the wall when someone almost touched me. They passed about six inches in front of me and I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d only been here for about two hours and I wanted to rest and eat before I moved on. I couldn’t risk any human contact. I didn’t want the police and local security groups after me again. That would be so annoying.
I wiped the sweat that was always on my face off my forehead and turned to move down the street when I heard someone shout from across the way. I looked and saw the man I’d seen watching me running towards me. As he got closer, I started to feel the most strange sensations. My body started getting hotter but at the same time, it felt like I was melting or burning. I couldn't quite make up my mind which one. Usually, I can deal with heat. I've been immune to fire every since that bastard of a dragon cursed me. This was a different kind of heat, though. It felt wet, somehow.
As the man got closer, the feeling started getting more intense and more painful. I felt something tickling my arms and I looked down. Flames were starting to flicker along them and I almost screamed aloud. I choked it down though and thought fast. If I ran now, maybe only half of the city would burn down. I turned and started running as fast as I could. I was going so fast I could feel the flames flare along behind me.
I've always been a fast runner. I used to beat my whole school when I was a child. My dad always said that it was because I had elf blood in me. Elf blood or no, I could feel the melting feeling following me through the city. The feeling was overcoming my body heat. I could feel the edges of my arms go cold and my legs started to move more and more sluggishly. After a while, it hurt too much to run, I was so cold. I collapsed against a brick wall next to me, shivering.
The wall was warm and I tried to concentrate on pulling the heat from the wall into myself but the cold kept on coming closer and closer. After a few seconds, the blackness started to close in and I began to lose consciousness. I let myself slide to the ground but before I passed out completely, I felt myself being picked up. But I knew that was ridiculous.
Chapter 2: A Really Strange Turn of Events
In my dream, I was being chased by a strange looking pair of monsters: a notepad and a dragon head. Don’t ask me how they ran. I didn’t stop to ask. As they chased me, the notepad was screaming, “Pencil! Yummy!” The dragon head yelled, “Pizza!” at me and floated faster. The “Pizza” screaming got louder and louder and started sounding sing-songy.
I woke up with a yell and sprang to my feet. Well, that was the original plan anyway. What really happened was that my body jerked and I threw the chair I was tied to onto the floor. I landed face down with the back of the chair pressing painfully into the back of my neck. I managed to twist my head around and from that comfortable position, I took in my surroundings. I appeared to be in one of those new-fangled moving homes. They’re literally like a house on wheels. They have a kitchen and a bathroom and a sitting room and everything. The sitting room even has a couch which I thought was really rude because I happened to be tied to a chair that was currently on the ground with me underneath it. If we got in an accident, I was going to be roadkill, literally. Maybe, kidnappers consider their victims as disposable, I thought to myself. I didn’t find that thought reassuring.
I looked around the RV for my kidnapper. I got a shock. There was no one driving. The steering wheel was moving occasionally and the gas pedal stayed down of its own accord. The radio was on and I realized that it was the song from my dream. It was something about how they ordered anchovies and got Canadian bacon. Strange, to say the least.
I thought that perhaps the RV was under a navigating spell. It’s a spell that minor magicians can perform and the RV did have a slight smell of magic. In case you didn't know, magic smells like a mix of sulfur and burnt dirty socks. You’d think that something as impressive and dangerous as magic would have a better smell than dirty socks. You’d be surprised at how many people I’ve seen that smell like dirty socks. Ordinary people are always complaining about how the city smells like sulfur and dirty socks. That’s because of magic. Magicians flock to cities which makes them (the cities) smell like dirty socks.
I stopped thinking about dirty socks and concentrated on my bonds. They seemed to be just simple knots. I tried twisting my hands up but I couldn’t reach the ropes. That’s when I burned myself out.
I don’t think I mentioned this but when the dragon cursed me he also gave me some of his magic. It’s the price every dragon pays when he curses someone. They lose a little bit of their magic. It varies with each person on what form that magic will take. With me, it became fire magic. I literally command fire. I can conjure up forest fires and the smallest flames to start a camp fire. I’m also immune to fire. I can stand in the middle of a column of fire and not burn. The only problem is that I haven't learned how to control it yet. My body would start to burn and there would be nothing I could do to stop it. Another problem is that my body can't tolerate water anymore. I'm always thirsty but I can't drink. I would die if I did.
So I hope you won’t be surprised to learn that I burned myself out of my ropes, literally. I summoned a little flicker of flame and guided it towards the ropes around my wrists. A hissing noise filled the air and I felt the ropes loosen. I extinguished the flames and pulled my wrists away from each other as hard as I could. The ropes broke apart with a snap and I kicked the chair away. It clattered and banged as it bounced away from me. I sprang into a crouch, waiting for someone to come and see what the noise was all about.
When no one came, I cautiously stood. The RV was still driving and no sound was coming from the back of the RV. I tiptoed to the front to see if someone was in the passenger seat. I peaked around the corner and saw…no one.
I stopped, puzzled. Why would someone tie me to a chair in a moving vehicle that I could easily break myself out of? It didn’t make any sense.
I sat down on the sofa to think about it. I screamed and jumped right back up again. The sofa had moved under me. Something hard and lumpy had twisted beneath me. It had also felt...cold. I could guess who was on that sofa.
I stood over the sofa looking at it through narrowed eyes. When nothing else happened, I reached out a cautious hand to touch it.
“Don’t touch me,” came a deep voice from the sofa. “I’ll drown you.”
I yelped and drew my hand back. The sofa was talking. Not funny. The voice sounded like a city man's. What in the name of Halbet was someone doing on a sofa invisible? Had he been lying there the whole time watching me? He'd been laughing at me most likely, laughing as I clattered and banged my way around the place.
All this time, it never occurred to me to find out why I wasn't freezing. In times of great stress, my brain just shuts down. So I was a basic grade-A dummy and wasn't thinking. Anyways, I was getting mad.
Fire started to flicker along my fingers and arms as I got madder and madder. “If you don’t show yourself in the next five seconds, I’m going to blast you into oblivion. One, two, three…,”
I heard a little laugh at this point and the man stepped out of the air. I registered a double take. For one, he should be dead by this time. I mean, I was pure heat. Any human that had touched me had been burned badly, in minor cases, had burst into flames, in average cases,or had simply evaporated, in major cases. For another thing, he didn’t strike me as a particularly dangerous person now. In the city, he’d had a look of evil to him. I’d been scared of him. As I looked at him now, I felt I could take him down easily. He seemed like a little kid. He looked vulnerable. That just goes to show you how stupid I was then.
To prove how stupid I was, I’ll have to tell you that I actually shot a sheet of flame at the poor, helpless little boy. I learned how helpless he was really fast. A wall of water appeared in front of the boy and turned into steam as the flames hit it. We would have looked so cool in a movie. The steam rolled up and surrounded us. We were glowing with our different magic colors. I was blood red and he was royal blue. Very dramatic. We made our own special effects.
We stood there facing each other. Our glowing spheres of light started slowing fading as the magic drained from our fingers. I asked the question that had been bothering me since he first appeared.
“Why aren’t you dead?” I suppose the question was a little blunt but, hey, the guy had kidnapped me. I could be a little rude.
“I've protected myself. It's a simple spell. I said it over you when I first found you in the city.”
That's when I started to think again. “That's why I'm not dead. Why would you do something like that for me? You don't even know me.” I stared him down waiting for an answer. I didn’t get an answer for nearly a minute.
Finally he said, “I’m cursed. Anyone I touch or who touches me is dead within five hours or has a tragic accident, usually involving water.”
“What's that got to do with it? I'm just a random person off of the street. Why would you care if I died?” I was completely bewildered.
He patted the couch next to him, indicating that he wanted me to sit down. I sat down cautiously, my body poised for action. I didn't know what to expect from this person. He seemed nice now, but he had tied me up to a chair and left me. I had to be careful.
“My name is Leif Evergreen.” He noticed my upraised eyebrows and smirked. “Yeah, my mother named me. My dad didn't want it but my mum kinda overruled him.”
“ Anyways, my father had a friend who died about five years ago. They were very close and had fought together in the Borrelian Wars. During the war, they fought the King of the Dragons and killed him. Everyone hailed them as heroes and made them out to be almighty. They became country celebrities overnight. It became impossible for them to pass through a town without having a party or festival being thrown for them. They hated it. They knew how dragons viewed the death of one of their own. Dragons will hunt down the killer of any dragon, especially one of their kindred. Having their name on everyone's lips didn't help to hide their whereabouts. So they went into hiding and disappeared from the face of the earth, basically. Knowing that more people draws more attention, they separated and never spoke to each other again.”
“Not long after that, we heard the news that my fathers' friend's family had been burnt to death in a fire caused by a dragon. We all mourned but didn't dare go find out if it was true. I mourned as much as a ten year old boy could. I remembered a little hazel-eyed girl that was fun to play war with. We continued to move from the forest to the mountains when the seasons changed, never staying in the same place twice.”
“About a year ago, a dragon found my family in the mountains and slaughtered them all. I was the only survivor. In exchange for my life, he offered me the powers inside himself. He was a water dragon and I'd always thought that they were amazing creatures. I thought that he was sorry for killing my family and wanted to make it up to me. So I agreed. That was the biggest mistake of my life. That night there was a freeze. Naturally, I built a fire against the cold. My toes almost evaporated. After about two weeks, I figured out what was wrong with me. I was cold. I was water. I wasn't human anymore. I was part dragon now. I could breathe boiling water like a water dragon. I could command water. I was dragon-cursed.”
“I started to wander around Ladai. It was the only life left me. I hated myself. All those people who came in contact with me died or were seriously injured. Then I heard about you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, I heard about a girl that could command fire and was possessed by the Dark One. They said that death itself followed her. All who saw her died by fire. I also heard about a boy named Erik (I started when I heard that name. He ignored me and went on.) who had talked to her and survived. He said her name was Kaeri and that there was nothing wrong with her. I tracked him down and talked to him.” He stopped when he saw my concerned face. “Don't worry. I protected him. Anyways, I talked to Erik and he said that the girl had known him for years. He said that he gave her food whenever she passed through and he hadn't seen head nor hair of her family whenever she was there. She never talked about them and he never asked. He also said she was strange in a way. She never bathed, but she was never dirty either. She loved heat and she would just stand in the middle of their hay field on a roasting day with her arms held out. At night, he'd hide her from his family in their tool shed and when he'd go to start a fire for her in the small fire-place, there was already one started. She never had any matches and she told him that she didn't know how to rub two sticks together to start a fire in that way either. I asked him if he had ever touched her and he said he had. He'd held her many times when he'd found her sobbing her heart out. But she'd never tell him what the matter was. In fact, they got in a fight about it and she ran off and didn't come back. That was the last time he'd seen her and that was two years ago. He said that if I found her that I was to tell her that he said Good-bye and Good Luck because he had never had a chance to tell her that. When I heard that story, I knew it was you and that you had somehow survived the fire that killed both your parents. So I tracked you down and here we are.”
Leif fell silent and I thought about what he'd said. My face had gone pink when he'd mentioned Erik. I'd been miserable about leaving him like that, no good-bye or anything. I'd been worried that he'd never forgive me. I was relieved to find that he had and hadn't completely forgotten me.
I didn't understand how the first part of Leif's story had anything to do with me. I'd heard my mum and dad talking about a dragon and something to do with moving when I was three or four but the memory was so fuzzy that it was more dream than memory. I wondered if this dragon king Leif had been talking about were the same I'd heard my parents talking about.
“How do I have anything to do with this war hero?,” I demanded.
“He was your father,” he said quietly.
“Wait. My father was the great war hero?” I asked, my voice rising an octave on the last word.
“One of them,” he corrected. “My father was the other.” He paused. “Ever since my father's death, I've been alone. I've killed so many people, without even realizing it. I can't sleep at night. They're faces haunt me.”
“Well, so have I. Been alone, I mean,” I added quickly, not wanting to admit to the number of deaths on my head. “But it's just something we have to deal with. There's nothing we can do to change it and you just need to learn to live with it.” I stopped. “I'm glad to have seen the son of my father's friend again, but I think that we should separate. We'll draw too much attention together.”
“But I thought...,” he started.
“You thought what? Don't you realize that with us together there will be double the amount of deaths. It'll be our parents' mistake all over again. That's not a risk I'm willing to take. I'd rather do what I usually do and stay alone. After all, it's better to be alone than to wish you were alone and that's what I think would happen if we were together. Too many people would die.” I was very earnest. I was trying to be. Part of me didn't trust him, and the other part didn't trust myself. I had to avoid all human contact, even cursed humans.
“You don't understand,” he said. “Your life is in danger.”
“What? More than it is now?” I asked, sarcastically.
“Look, I'm sorry about tying you up. I didn't know what to expect from you and I didn't want you to wake up and kill me. It's been a long time since I've seen you and I didn't know what you'd do or think.” He looked truly sorry and contrite, like a proper penitent. He was a very good liar. He wasn't sorry at all. My face must have shown that I knew it was all bull. He grinned sheepishly.
“Anyways,” he continued, “you are in danger. The government has heard about us. They want us for something.”
“What do you mean? What do they want us for?” I asked.
“I'm not sure, but they want us for something. I've seen signs throughout Ladai saying that they'll pay a pretty penny for word about the one possessed by the Dark One and the Dragon-Cursed. I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with their war. They just declared war against the Borellians again and the dragons have joined them. We could be used by the dragons and by our own government as spies, warriors, a weapon, anything. We're both in danger and I think that we should join forces.”
“That is the most stupid idea I have ever heard,” I laughed.
“ 'Here everybody! You see the wild fire and the tsunami? That's nothing. It's just an everyday thing. It won't hurt you.'” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, think about it. We'd be in everybody's faces, we'd be so obvious. No, it's a bad idea.”
“Will you at least think about it?” Leif pleaded. “If we work together, then we could find our dragons and kill them before the government finds us.”
“Why in Halbot's name would we go find the beasts that cursed us in the first place? Do you think that they'll give you a prize or something?” I was being harsh, I admit it.
“Nooo,” Leif said, slowly. “But after a dragon dies, his spells and curses die with him.”
11
I was speechless.
“Do you see why I want us to join forces? We could work together and find our dragons and kill them. We'd live like normal people again. You could drink water. I could actually have a hot meal. We'd have our lives back. Sure, we might die but I think that it's worth any risk. I'm sick of the living hell I've been given. We've earned the right to revenge. The dragons that cursed us are nothing but ignorant animals and they deserve to die.”
Leif's face had gone pale and twin spots of color burned on his cheeks. His eyes burned with excitement. He was serious. He meant every word he said. Why then did I feel so nervous? Why did I feel like I should avoid anything this man suggested?
I shook my head at myself. I was just being paranoid. Everything Leif had said had been true. Even the story about Erik had been true. I looked up at him and slowly nodded my head. He nodded back in satisfaction and deep in his eyes I saw a flicker of something that scared me. I just didn't know what it was. I almost changed my mind right there but I didn't. I felt that I could take care of myself and anything this man could throw at me. I was just forgetting one thing. He knew everything about me. He'd tracked me down once. He could do it again.
“So what's the first step? There's got to be a lair or something where they all hang out. We've got to-”
“Whoa, slow down,” Leif interrupted me. “We're not going anywhere yet.” He smiled, a tolerant smile that said, “Oh, the whims of children,” all over it.
“Uh, why not?”
“Because I'm hungry,” he said, like he was stating the obvious. He obviously believed the world would grind to a halt if he was hungry.
So I shrugged my shoulders, agreeing. I might as well act like he was in charge. One way or another though, I would have to take over. My life was on the line and I wasn't about to let it sit in the hands of someone I barely knew.
“Whatever,” I said. “We're in the middle of nowhere and you want some food. Being male, the cupboards are probably empty, bare, and.....ah, what do you about that? They are. So what do you plan to eat? Your chair?”
He didn’t answer my question immediately. In fact, he didn’t answer me at all. He just gave me a hard look and headed to the front of the RV. He sat down in the driver’s seat and then I could feel the spell fade as he touched the steering wheel. I wondered if the entire vehicle was rigged with spells. I reached out with my senses and it was like being hit with a two-by-four. The entire place was covered in prevention spells. The door was rigged with some kind of water spell that I knew would drown me if I tried to open the door. In fact, when I started to inspect all the spells, I realized that they were all water spells. There was no way that I could get out of here. I was trapped.
I looked at the reflection of Leif's face in the rear-view mirror. His face was tense and concentrated on driving. He acted like he'd never driven a day in his life. He proved it too.
He was the world's craziest driver, by far. Apparently, he decided that he wanted to move over to the next lane. Instead of putting his blinker on and smoothly making his way over like most people would, he jerked the wheel. We careened over into the next lane, narrowly missing a BMW van. A storm of honking flew up, as I rubbed my head where it had gotten hit against the window on the opposite side of the RV.
I ground my teeth in annoyance. I could drive better than this. Even if I couldn't, at least I wouldn't be thrown around the place and get bumps on my head.
I made my way up to the front and touched his shoulder. He glanced at me in a distracted way.
“Go bother someone else,” he said, in a tense voice. “I'm driving.”
“I know,” I said. “I need you to pull over. Now.”
Leif took a glance at my tense face, shrugged, and then carreened to the side of the road. This time, I was ready for it and was holding onto a metal bar that was behind the passenger seat.
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Hey Victorianbeauty! I'll start with first chapter nitpicks, first chapter general feel, and then tackle the second chapter in the same order. So without further ado:
Details:
"I had a run in with a fire dragon a few years back." I really like the line. I think it shows so much characterization; how the narrator's trying to be nonchalant about the biggest event of their entire life.
"Like I said, I was only fourteen when the dragon cursed me." I'm not in love with this line. To me, it feels repetitive and the 'like I said' only seems to draw attention to the fact that it's repetitive.
"That very night I escaped the dragon’s cave when he was asleep." Maybe I just missed it, but this sentence is a bit jarring because you never mentioned her getting carried to the cave and now she's leaving it. Before this line, I thought she was still at the place where her mother died and assuming that was her home, so a few more setting cues would help.
"Needless to say, I left the area very soon after that." The 'Needless to say' is in my opinion filler-words.
"as the daughter of a wandering tinker." While I like the detail, I'm not sure how a wandering tinker would kill a dragon.
"It’s skyscrapers were easily twice as tall as the tallest skyscraper in Faeroe." It's should be Its.
"I think they prided themselves on being as weird as possible. I wish the camera had already been invented(they haven’t yet), " I like the sentence about them trying to be as weird as possible; again, it shows the narrator's character (which we still haven't found out the gender of at this point, nor a name. It's totally fine that you haven't given us a name yet; I've read a few short story and even a book where you never find out the main character's name, but I wish I knew if it was a boy or girl because I want to picture the narrator, who I keep picturing as a girl for some reason.) Also, personally I don't like the sentence about cameras not being invented yet because it sort of breaks the whole suspension of disbelief thing the reader's got going on and reminds us 'oh, this is a story; a piece of fiction.' because there's no logical way for her to know about something that hasn't been invented yet unless she/he's talking bout something that happened in the past (in which case it should be hadn't instead of haven't) or there's time machines.
"They would paint half of their upper lip red and the bottom lip they would paint dark purple. What really made it bad, was that even the men were wearing make-up!!!" The three exclamation points is cheesy, but I love, love, love the details here.
General:
The first half of this first chapter, where she's going over backstory, felt a bit rushed and overly-condensed. I would consider breaking up the backstory and giving it in doses, or dedicating an introduction to this part so you can give it justice. Once you get to the actual story, it has a nice pace and moves along nicely. The details missing from the backstory are there and appreciated, helping the reader see what's going on. You also do a good job of ending the chapter with a cliff hanger. Some people only seem to use cliff hangers only for the end of a book in a series, but it's important to keep the reader hooked throughout the story, especially at the end of the first chapter because that's a great place for the reader to decide they're not going to read the book. So good job with that.
2nd's Detail:
First of all, I'm loving the titles of your chapters.
"It was something about how they ordered anchovies and got Canadian bacon. Strange, to say the least." To say the least seems like filler words. They don't add anything to the story.
"I heard a little laugh at this point and the man stepped out of the air. I registered a double take." Her registering a double take (I'm just assuming that it's a girl at this point, I don't know why, I'm sorry if it's a dude, I can't help it.) makes it seem like she's noticing someone do a double take so I might change the wording to make it less confusing.
From the same paragraph: "Any human that had touched me had been burned badly, in minor cases, had burst into flames, in average cases, or had simply evaporated, in major cases. For another thing, he didn’t strike me as a particularly dangerous person now. In the city, he’d had a look of evil to him. I’d been scared of him. As I looked at him now, I felt I could take him down easily. He seemed like a little kid. He looked vulnerable. That just goes to show you how stupid I was then. " The first sentence here was extremely confusing to read the first time. I might add some colons to explain what statement goes with each. Further on, you say in the city he looked dangerous. I'd take that out, go back and add it to the city scene if I were you. Same with her being scared of him.
"I was blood red and he was royal blue. Very dramatic. We made our own special effects." Funny. I like it.
"They're faces haunt me.” They're should be their.
Generalities:
Maybe it's because you've found your stride, maybe you're having more fun, but this chapter is a whole lot better than the first chapter. Your best writing in my opinion is at the beginning of this chapter. You do a good job of creating suspense without betraying your narrator's (who is a girl! I was right!) sarcastic personality. Also, I love how you capture Lief's innocent truthfulness. He expects this girl to be best buds with him and really opens up to her about his past and feelings like a little kids good. I have a very good idea of who the two characters are and you have a wonderful, interesting concept here. I hope I haven't been too harsh; I was extremely nitpicky because I think the piece has potential and I know you can fix all the mistakes I've pointed out. Please tell me when you have the next chapters out because I'd love to read them. I really hope that this review helped!
-tgirly
Wow!! This is probably the best review I've ever received. Thanx!
You gave me some great advice.
Just returning the favor; you gave me a really awesome review on a poem of mine. I'm glad I could help!
Hello notresponsible here to reviewing your story.
Sorry for the late response.
First off i would like to say that I liked the way the story was written. It's not only a well written fantasy memoir but a clearly thought out piece.
The name Leif evergreen made me laugh. His name is practically green leaf. The irony of the name is so hilarious.
On another note... I was confused on the timeline. So magic and elves and dragons coexist with modern technology? If so then that's going to be an interesting combination and I look forward to seeing how you blend everything together.
Overall it was an interesting read. Good Job.
Omigosh! you laughed and right after you said that you wouldn't! Sooooo hurt right now!
Just kidding. Anyways, thanks for the review 
Hi there, Calvvin to review.
Here goes:
I'm going to divide this between 3 sections - Grammar, Vocabulary and Plot. I will try to make it easy for you to follow
Grammar Section
It's skyscrapers -> Its skyscrapers. Also, you repeat this A LOT - you should occassionally omit the 'it's' (which should also be corrected) and try to find another word to use instead of 'skyscrapers'.
'they're faces haunt me' -> typo? should be 'their'
Vocabulary
hunted for my father -> after
hats two feet wide (or however it's phrased) -> there is not a person on earth who could wear such a hat - unless such person had a Dumbo-like appearance.
strange-looking man -> you have already established that the people of this city have a weird sense of fashion. No need to emphasise it using 'strange-looking'.
'I couldn't quite make up my mind which one' -> Scrap this.
'But I knew this was ridiculous' -> You seem intent on the derogation of simply everything around you - from the men to what is happening to you! Describing all around you as 'ridiculous' makes it, quite frankly, in itself ridiculous.
'literally like a house on wheels' -> if it's literally, it can't be 'like'
'roadkill literally' -> double use of the word in the space of a couple of sentences
'literally command' -> grrr....now it's frustrating
'burned myself out of the ropes, literally' -> ........
'how helpless he was really fast' -> hmm, 'really quick' has a nicer ring to it
'everybody's faces' -> I think you meant 'minds' here '
'that said, 'Oh, the whims of children'' -> 'that had'
Other
You cannot spring to your feet and land face down simultaneously. The contradiction is quite blatant here - remove it.
Just a tip - if your father slew the King of Dragons, then surely his child would be famous...at least moderately so
General Comments
Finally! O.K., first things first. This is waaayy too looong. You need to divide it into two at least - the only reason I kept on reading was because....well, I liked it. A LOT. Although you started out slow, you picked up the pace towards the middle and kept doing well to the end. I think I can tell that you struggled with your introduction.
This is really good. That's all I can say really! I love the whole idea of how the two of them met, their conversation is lifelike, their relationship is at the moment, utilitarian. How the government and the Dragons are linked eventually, how the war has started again. You put everything into place, really well done. The characters are very believable and you are in command of the story, not the plot commanding you. Everything is the right length and comes at the right time, there is not a misplaced paragraph anywhere. You just need to divide the chapters (which I believe you already did).
I would love to read more of this. Seriously. So please, keep working on it, I hope to God you have not already given it up.
Great job!
thanx for the tips!! I was really looking for stuff like this. I plan to keep on writing. I've got a few new chapters nearly completed so you'll be able to dissect those too.
Great!
(hope my review helped! I didn't want to sound harsh, so I hope I didn't come across like that!)
oh no! You're fine. I've heard much worse believe me. I think criticism is great. It helps you work your hardest and so it brings out the best you have to offer.
Hey!! Silver here to review your piece!!

What I liked about your story was that it was written, there were no grammar, spelling or structural mistakes. This makes it easier to read. Also your story flowed well, your sentences made sense and nothing was disjointed. What I had problems with was, as TakeThatYouFiend mentioned, some of the principles don't fit. For example: you say that Trondheim has "skyscrapers" and "hi-tech cars" yet doesn't have cameras. I find that very odd. Also with Lief, when we first meet him he is said to have a deep voice and is introduced as a man then suddenly he is referred to as "poor, helpless, little boy". I found that hard to follow.
I really like where this story is going and I love the fact that you really seem to have all the ideas ready in your head. Can't wait to read more!! Happy writing!!
Silverlock
thanx! I'll have to fix that
This is a good book. Your main strength is the plot line, you have developed your idea and got everything to work. You have some good description and characters. But I feel that you have written a basic plot line first, and the principles don't fit in some places. This is not a huge problem, but you could smooth over a few of the principle ideas. I hope this is helpful, and I am sure this won't be a problem once you get further into the story.
So, any particular principle you're talking about? I'd like to know what i need to fix. Thanx!
Like the fact you wanted your two characters together, so you had one see the other. Coincidence? Then she notices him immediately before the chase. Unlikly. Also the backstory dialogue is a little shaky. I don't want to sound negative, this is great.
What do you mean by, one see the other? (Thanx for the feedback. It is unlikely she would immediately notice him.)
The girl sees the boy-one character see the other.
P.S. thanks for not biting my head off.
why would i bite ur head off?
for criticism.