The Sisters
-
The Sister of Night,
The Sister of the Shade,
Her heart was only as black
as it was born to be made.
-
The Sister of Light,
The Sister of the Heart,
Though she was just as strong,
it was her sister she could not part.
-
They fell in love from birth,
as all Sisters do.
Be embraced by the love,
without further ado.
-
Then the day came,
when they were both grown.
When they both fell in love,
with the Heir of the Throne.
-
The secret was held,
deep within the Sister of Light.
But it was the Sister of Darkness,
who thought she had won the fight.
-
The secret stayed hidden,
with many more days to come.
She began to die within herself--
Where had this passion come from?
-
The Sister of Darkness discovered the lie,
the forbidden love and the hidden passion.
She told her to forget him, told her to die,
that her love was not of good fashion.
-
“He can only be mine,” she said.
And Sister Light agreed,
but deep down inside,
she knew she would never be freed.
-
The Sister of Light fled on that day.
Slowly she came to darkness as well.
For she was overtaken by love,
love for her sister, she could not quell.
-
No one could understand,
why Sister Light did such a thing,
Wouldn’t staying be easier for the other?
But she wanted to hear her sister sing.
-
She wanted her Sister happy,
and happy she became.
The Light watched the Darkness,
from a distance all the same.
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130,098 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Hello Tuesday here for a review.
I feel like this little part of this poem is bit.. vague. It doesn't seem to catch me onto reading more of this poem. I did, however, enjoy the rhyming you had in the part of the poem. Also the capitalization of sister to suppress the meaning of the sister of darkness. For what I would suggest for this part, would be to make it more pow. It gives the reader an understanding of who the sister of darkness is.I like to begin that this poem is good. I liked the thought that you put Light and Darkness as sisters because it could somehow relate to people who siblings and such. I enjoyed the rhyming you had throughout the poem, and the relationship that both Darkness and Light share.
Nitpick(s):
I feel like this stanza needs some help. It seems stretch out almost since in the beginning you tell the reader that they fell in love at birth, like with each other or with someone else? Also not all sisters fall in love. At some point or another, they could hate each other then be friends (I could relate).
I find Be embraced by the love is to be reworded a little. I would suggest this To be embraces by love, because "be" in the beginning just throws me off. It seems almost forced to be there.
without further ado. This doesn't seem to be a correct way of putting it there. Mostly because it would be an introduction type thing, instead of saying that the sisters were in love. It is like you are continuing something, but stopped there.
This part is okay. There are a few problems that are in here.
when they were both grown. this doesn't seem to agree with me. It seems you had used the wrong tense here or something because "grown" doesn't seem to be the right word that needs to go here. Maybe change "grown" to "older". when they were both older seems more grammatically correct.
I feel like this stanza isn't needed in the poem. It is just giving the reader the hint that there is secret but what is the secret?
"He could only be mine,"
Sister Light could agree.
Yet deep down, she felt
that she could never be freed." This gives a little more of a suspense or something for the reader when they read it.
I would say this is my favorite part about this poem because Darkness is happy to see her sister happy while she is glad to be back in the darkness because Light is happy.
Overall, I think this a poem. It needs some work but I liked it. Enjoyed the rhyme scheme, the feeling that both the sisters had for each other, and also this reminds me of a piece I wrote a while back but with a different feeling.
Farewell,
Tuesday
One thing I'd like to say is, I think you got it backwards.
The Sister of Darkness is the one who ends up with her love, and Sister Light is the one who ended up in the darkness.
| Peter Pan |
Hello! This is going to be a somewhat short review/comment...sorry.
First off: Short story or poem? I was sort of confused when it came to the category. Now don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed this piece but, it's just that I felt a little of a story vibe going through me when I first read this.(maybe that's just me)
Ok. And then there's this line:"Her heart was only as black as it was born to be made."........ OMG I LOVE THIS LINE!!!! I think I'm going to adopt it and have it be my new saying if you don't mind. It just perfectly describes darkness in hearts and the way you worded it... wow I'm still breathless!
Sorry this couldn't be longer. I have to leave the computer soon so I'll finish out by saying this was a great poem that I really enjoyed reading.
~Elephant
hi. prithamrittika is here for a review. fristly I want to tell you I am very bad in writing reviews. I like your thought and the imagination of the poem. you showed two sisters. one is bad and another one is good. but they are sisters and love each other. when they fall in lovd the light sister sacrifice for night sister. this thought is good. but they are sisters and they love each other. so how can the night sister betrayed with light sister. I think this is very rude in my point of view. otherwise it is very nice poem.
keep writing...........
Hey there, Neverland!
This feels almost like it's fantasy. I love how the Sisters sort of develop in this poem, and in the end, they changed into someone new. They don't just feel like cardboard cut-outs, they are characters who walk off the page.
I realized after I read this poem it sort of feels like this is a short story sort of poem. You added dialogue, and not just description.
I really liked
I loved this stanza because you wrote a question in there.
Your poem is really great, Neverland. If you are looking for improvements, I was thinking you could add in metaphors and/or similes. It would kind of describe things a little more. They might also add a more poet feel, sometimes. Because your poem is such high quality (as I like to say
Some parts of this poem actually made me want to cry. I'm glad you added some emotion in there to mix things up.
Now I'm pretty sure we both know how good this poem turned out, so now I'll have to go. But before I leave, I want you to know that you're a great writer, and that your name is awesome.
~ Sunset101
Hello Kat here to write a review for you on this lovely review day , go Team WHY?
"The Sister of Darkness discovered the lie,
the forbidden love and the hidden passion.
She told her to forget him, told her to die,
that her love was not of good fashion."
This stanza ^ was beautiful, the whole poem was beautiful but specifically this stanza , the last line just totally tied it up in a ribbon . I adored it ! The first few stanzas , not so much. In the beginning your rhyming seemed a little trained with words like ado so just make sure you don't sacrifice word choice to often for rhyme or it might interrupt your flow and take away from your poem.
If someones heart is so black how can they love, how can they be loved? I actually didn't see the sister of the night as a really dark person because of this, I felt like the light sister had more sorrow and grief . It was really unique how they almost switched roles by the end of them poem , like the sister of night gets her happily ever after and the sister of light lives happily never after . Kinda depressing really .
Also just be careful, you had really short stanzas in the beginning that became longer and i'm not sure if that was intentional or not . But, thanks for keeping nice constant rhythm and rhyme scheme here. I also liked how it was less of a poem and more of a fairy tail .
Great mood setting.
~Kat
Thank you for the review!
| Peter Pan |
AWW! So sweet! I loved it. The rhyming came naturally, and was unexpected. In this poem you told a story with style, and I love when people do that. The words you used for description was the perfect choice for this poem. The clash between the two sisters seemed very real. I could feel what you were trying to say, and envy it. This was well put together. May I be the third to say great job, and I hope you keep this up. This may be a very short review, but I like to keep them that way. Anyways, I'm rambling on. Great job! This was awesome, you're awesome. May you find a four-leaf clover today (or tonight depending on time-zone). Have a great day!!!
~Laelle
Thank you for the kind words.
May I ask, why a four-leaf clover?
| Peter Pan |
Oh, I'm Irish. It's something I do to everyone's stuff I read. Sorry about that.
Oh, alright.
I was just a bit confused on whether or not I was missing out on a holiday or something.
Thanks for clarifying.
| Peter Pan |
Lol, your not don't worry. I think that's the first kind of response I've gotten today...
Hey there!
I enjoyed the story, the word choice that came with it, and the rhyming flow is amazing! I love how you were able to tell a story within the poem, leaving it just abstract enough for the reader to conjure up their own images and yet just specific enough for the reader to be able to create images in the first place.
You're an amazing writer!
So first of all, I need to tag someone to this real quick; she's going to adore this poem. We love stuff like this. @Sherri
Okay! I absolutely LOVE this poem!! It's one of my new favorites.
Okay, so the only error of any sort I could find was the rhyme choice between "passion" and "Fashion"; that tripped me up a bit while reading, even though it isn't technically an error. You did such a good job writing and proofreading there isn't much to critique...
Anywho, I loved your poem!! Definitely one of my favorites now.
I don't think tagging works in reviews, kiddo. xD
Thanks for mentioning me though... This is a really, really good poem!
Thank you so much for the review!
It makes me really happy that people are actually reading this.
| Peter Pan |
I really enjoyed this poem! It's so prettily written, and I like the rhyming pattern...is there a special word for that? There is, right? In case you couldn't tell, I'm not a poet...*laughs*. Usually I don't get a full story from poetry, but here my imagination can run free. I can see the Sisters, fighting, incensed with loved and anger.
I really love this, and I hope you write more poetry! *clicks like*
Thank you for the review!
I believe the word that you're looking for is "rhyme scheme".
I tried to follow an abcb rhyme scheme in this work, but there was a verse that I couldn't quite get right.
%u01A4%u0454%u0442%u0454%u044F %u01A4%u03B1%u03B7
Wow, rhyme scheme.
I am really not a poet at all.