This is apart of my 'Dearest Death' Project, based on the life of a character named Cassie. She recieves a love letter from a character , revealed in my next installment of the book. This is her emotional response
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You asked me to love you and I tell you I once did.
Your serenades and stories make me feel just like a kid.
Don’t believe me, then why do you ask.
To understand, all of money I would bid.
.
You begged me to love you and I speak of our happy past.
The time we shared was full of joy but flitted away too fast.
I cried inside, deep down inside to find the truth of your word.
But all I felt was a memory broke, sustained not enough to last.
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You cried for me to love you and I pleaded for an end.
A harmonious poem of love you once did send.
The life I dreamt now a lonely parade selfish and unjust.
Crippling all the senses, your heart once mine to lend.
.
You died for me to love you and it all was just too much.
Forever your soul will not match to mine, forever not quite as such.
The sacrifice you made and the life you lost, all for a small crush.
.
Love from Pages.
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Canary word: Present
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The problem, m'dear, is the rhyme scheme, but tis easily remedied.
You asked me to love you and I tell you I once did.
Your serenades and stories make me feel just like a kid. <-- stories would make someone feel like a kid, but not so much serenades. Maybe fairytales?
Don’t believe me? Then why do you ask?
Understand; something something something -id. That line was too forced.
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You begged me to love you. I speak of our happy past;
The time we shared was full of joy but flitted
awayoff too fast.I cried inside, deep down inside to find the truth of
your wordwhat you said??.But all I felt was a memory broken,
sustained not enoughnot strong enough to last.General drift. This is a really good foundation, so just build onto it. Nothing's finished till you can recite it :]
Hey there!
So, this seems like a nice idea. A very nice idea. However, some of it isn't so great. What I think you need to work on is the rhyme scheme, really the rhyme scheme. A lot of it seems forced, and that detracts from the overall emotion of the poem. As it's supposed to be a love poem, emotion, not rhyme, should be the key here. I know that rhyme sounds pretty and all, but it's actually something that not many people use. Why not try your hand at free form instead? But, if you still want to rhyme, why not check out http://www.rhymezone.com/ to get the best rhyme possible?
Your flow. Read the poem out loud and you'll see it sounds a little off in places. Why not tinker around with sentence structures to really make it flow perfectly?
Cliche: Watch out for overused phrases. Really. I know that love can be a hard thing to make unique, but I really would try. If you want something to be emotional you really want to make it come from the heart. At the moment this seems like a generic love poem, rather than one that really means something.
I hope this helps! You've got a nice start here, it just needs to be tightened up a little!
~Amy
Hey Neverending.
You lack some reviews so I'll give you a hand ^^
My biggest problem here is the rhyming, I have a dislike for rhyming. It cuts off so many possibilities. But setting that aside, your rhyme is a little lacking in language. Don't be afraid to pull out the Thesaurus, though it's hard to find something that rhymes.
As for the syllables that help create the rhyme you did well, there are a few other problems.
Grammar problems are in bold all other things I will comment on below are in italics
Serenades and stories:
Oh so very cliche my dear. Every romance story has a serenade at the their love interests window. Maybe your trying to get across that the person is cliche and fake, but by the end of the poem it seems to me they would of thought of something more original.
...All of the money I would bid:
These two lines don't make sense at all in the context. Where does money come into this thing? It seems to me you were just looking for something to fill out that spot that might appear to be in slight context with the rest of the poem. Trash those lines, find something better, because you obviously can.
Not Sustained:
This was an obvious attempt to get fancy with words. Don't do that, use colourful language, don't play around with the correct order of things. Think in french, what makes sense -
Je ne joue pas.
Je joue ne pas.
We get what you are trying to say in the second one, but it just isn't correct.
Almost done, I swear
A harmonious poem of love...:
Ugh, ugh, ugh. Trash this line please, it's just horrendously cliche and you're playing with the order of words again. It destroys all interest I had for this poem before.
Last stanza itself needs to be reworked. It's quite a let down, though the last line is decent (sort of makes me laugh xD)
I hope this was helpful, and keep writing!
Drop me a line if you have any questions.
Kamas
This was really good. The concept that you have for a book written in poem form is very interesting. I really enjoyed that poem. I felt the emotion and heartbreak that your main character felt through the words. So great job there.
This idea has a lot of potential. You should definitely continue working on this. Great job!
Hello, CF/Freak here
Nitpicks:
#BF0000 ">This is supposed to end in a question mark, since of course it is a question.
Since there is a pause after the first "inside" you should have a comma after the second "inside": I cried inside, deep down inside#BF0000 ">, to find the truth of your word
You needed to explain something a little better: "To understand, all of money I would bid." What does this mean? What does this have to do with anything? Since this is a separate piece I feel you should answer some of those questions in the context.
I feel like this sentence breaks away from the rhythm, maybe because "Crush" and "such" sound nothing a like, and the other sentences have some kind of momentum with words before/after.
Anyway, you did a really good job, and you should definitely keep writing.