I was careful to make every step gentle as not to disturb him as I followed the calming plinking sound of the piano.
The carpeted stairs were forgiving against my bare feet, and made barely a sound as I took them one step at a time. He said it made him nervous when I listened to him play, so secretly listening in was my guilty pleasure.
I played piano too, but not very well. I was never really focused during my lessons as a child, at the time I didn’t care much for music. My mother always used to tell me to grow up, to put away the childish games I always played, because to her at a certain point in your life you are grown and put away childish things. There was never a clear line to me, but I never did understand the concept of growing up.
My toes curled into the shaggy carpet when I stopped at the bottom of the stairs holding onto the door frame as I listened to the notes coming off the piano. It was an original piece that he had showed me once, on the very unusual occasion that I was invited into his study. A birthday present that he had named after me.
I peeked my head carefully into the room where he sat at the black grand piano that contrasted so beautifully with the pure white room.
Even from behind I could tell how focused he was on his music. I could tell from the way his head was bowed over the ivories, and how fluidly his fingers flew over the keys.
I padded over to the piano over to the piano and slipped onto the chair beside him. Immediately his fingers froze above the keys.
“You’re not supposed to be in here while I play,” he chided, his green eyes locking with mine.
“I know,” I said a small mischievous smile spreading across my lips.
He chuckled and brought his hand up to the back of my head, running his hand through my shiny ginger hair.
The sound of a door slamming made me jump and my head whip around to see what had caused it. The previously open door was now shut, but there was no evidence of why it had happened. I turned back around but where a moment ago he had been there was now empty space. My eyes flicked around the room checking to see if he had only gotten up and was still in the room, but I felt the familiar sinking feeling that followed him vanishing.
I slumped forward and pressed down one of the ivory keys and listened to the low note that it played. I knew he’d be back, he always came back.)
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Greetings,
This is an incredible story. I hadn't been expecting that ending with the story that you had crafted here. My hats off to you.
I have to say that your descriptions are quite well written. I get the feeling of being in that house and sneaking around really well. Though I find it odd that there is a stark white room in a house like that. Unless that room itself is part of the illusion.
There is a small typo in your writing. You write "over to the piano" twice in a row in the sixth paragraph from the end. I would like to see a little more of her emotion in the story. Being first person, the only view that we have are those through the eyes of the narrator. Adding her emotion would bring another layer to this story and really drive it home I think.
I like how at the end you have left it rather ambiguous. While most people will see the man as the piano playing spirit of the house, I have to wonder if he really is the spirit in this instance. Could she be the actual spirit that is stalking around the house? Listening to the living man and interacting with him in only brief spats? It could be either case, and that is what makes it so interesting.
Thank you for sharing your work with us. Happy Writing!
HELLO, MEMORYHUNTER HERE TO REVIEW YOUR SHORT STORY!
I often get conscious of my repetitiveness in writing because I once got an advice from my big brother. He said that I was being too repetitive in my works. I don't know about you, but the repetition of 'as' here bugs me a bit. Perhaps you could rephrase it to "I was careful to make every step gentle to not disturb him as I..." It's okay if you don't want to, it's simply a suggestion.WELCOME TO YWS!!!
Okay let us begin.
I'll do it chronologically if you don't mind.
Moving on! I don't know how to put this, but I think that the way it is written is quite strange. Perhaps it should be "because to her, at a certain point in your life, you must grow and put away childish things." Or "you will grow and put away childish things." It kind of sounds a little bit better this way. It's up to you, just an advice.
This sentence is quite the mouthful one, isn't it? Try saying your sentences aloud. Some may sound a little bit too long. Perhaps you can cut this out or add full breaks. You can even add commas to just pause for a bit. Long sentences don't really remain in readers' heads. Sometimes they can mean nothing when you want them to be the opposite.
There are many sentences here that go on and on without a stop. Or, even just a comma. Maybe you should work on your punctuation (well, I am not the one who should say that. I'm terrible at punctuation.)
I liked the way you described things, as I'm always interested in other people's voices. You describe their actions intently, so it seems like you are in the same place as the characters! That's amazing, I rarely even do that. Well, maybe it's because I write non-fiction and most of the protagonists in my stories are actually me. That's why when I write about other characters, my mind is blank.
Anyways, aside from that, I'm confused about the two main character we have. What is their relationship with each other? Friends? How so? What?
Also, the man. Maybe it's just cause I'm dumb at analyzing certain works, but I can't seem to get the gist of it. Is he like a ghost? Or a fictional character created by the protagonist as a companion? Something like that? (Or maybe he's like Tuxedo Mask/King Endymion in Sailor Moon, often disappearing. Does he, by any chance, carry roses around?)
Okay, so all in all I like your piece! I would like to see more of what you can do. I would like to grow even more, and I would like to be even more amazed by the way you dive into the story.
Cons:
Punctuation
sort of run-on sentences
Pros:
ability to vividly interpret a scene
voice/writing style
sort of authentic feeling we get from the protagonist. As if she were our friend, telling a story
So, keep on writing, and promise me that you're going to wow me again, this time stronger!
HAPPY WRITING~
Hey!
I like your work because it left me with a happy uneasy feeeling, and this is the feeling that i get after reading Tagore's stories(just in case you don't know Tagore was the first Indian author to get Nobel Prize in literature.)
Coming to your art, it's good except I have a few suggestions for you-
1) There are some places that you've described extremely precisely but more that half of the story is filled with that.
2)I like your plot line so i suggest you to refine the presentation and add some more details here and there that gives us a bit of idea of where "he" is.
Besides this, it's a beautiful short story. My favorite parts were-
1)" guilty pleasure."
2)"He chuckled and brought his hand up to the back of my head, running his hand through my shiny ginger hair." this gave such a sweetly romantic essence.
3)"I knew he’d be back, he always came back." The special thing here is that by ending in this sentence, despite everything that's making it kind of sad, You ended it in a positive manner. It leaves the reader with a sense of joy.
Hope my review is helpful and "high-five" i am a potterhead too! And I love Snape too!
Keep writing..