Oh why, from the heavens proclaim
do words of spite and heavy disdain
come from the mouth of thee who they can claim
to be the lord's preacher and holder of flame.
When approached by a girl with a logical plea
no answer was given, not even to me.
All because of illogical faith
did this girl true, meet of the wraith.
The wraith, I call, is what you see
the venomous poison cast in the sea
which turns out to truly be,
is he which you must oversee.
But is he to blame I must wonder,
or is he a puppet, cast from the thunder
which I am not blind to know
is just an illusion, a raven, a crow.
Sorry if the lines don't read like they do for me. I just thought I'd write a simple rhyme for my first go here. I tried making him quite hard to figure out but hopefully one of you can figure him out! Also please note when I try previewing this the gaps or the horizontal line don't appear so if you could please tell me how to do that!
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Tigerlilly here for a review!
This was a great first poem! You did very wonderfully. I Loved the pace and rhyming in this piece. I get a bit of a religious feeling from this, though I can't quite justify whether the "him" was really a "Him" if you understand what I mean by that. I really liked how you punctuated the lines, it helps give a good sense of how to read it.
Anyways, you did a great job! I look forward to reading more of your works.
Hey its Kala here to review!
To start off my review I just want to say I love how you captured a glimpse of religion and a hint of sadness maybe? It seems like the girl is looking for answers but can’t find them through “him”. I kind of think that ”him” may be a religious figure but I’m not quite sure. Anyways, I think you did a wonderful job on this poem.
Hi welcome to YWS!
What a fabulous attempt at a first poem. I noticed some grammatical errors for example Lord should ALWAYS be spelt with a captain letter, even if just out of respect for those who believe, which clearly you do not. God bless.
I was reminded of 'he' being the Pope when answering the little girls question about prostitutes. You make it sound as if he did not reply, however I remind you that he hugged her :') ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS LEWIS!!!
Love it tho
Well I'm sorry to say ANNE but I did not not say that lord was in a religious context as theists do not own the rights to the word "lord" therefore I am allowed to have it capital or not without it being called a grammatical error. But thanks anyway. And a hug may be an action but actions can be expressed with words such as the honourable tales of Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and other such figures so a simple hug hardly stands up to the impact that a reasonable answer could of made. It's nice to know you like it though!
Well I'm sorry to say ANNE but I did not not say that lord was in a religious context as theists do not own the rights to the word "lord" therefore I am allowed to have it capital or not without it being called a grammatical error. But thanks anyway. And a hug may be an action but actions can be expressed with words such as the honourable tales of Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and other such figures so a simple hug hardly stands up to the impact that a reasonable answer could of made. It's nice to know you like it though!
xD
Hello!
Wow! Absolutely amazing start! It was mysterious and had a nice rhythm to it, and I'm still trying to figure out who 'he' is. I mean, at first I thought it was God or something like that, with lines such as:
'When approached by a girl with a logical plea
no answer was given, not even to me.
All because of illogical faith..'
I interpreted this as someone praying to Him, but getting no answer. I don't think I'm right, though xD I'm reallyyyy bad with figuring out these kinds of things. I'm a derp, haha.
Anyway! Keep up the great work! If you keep posting things like this, you'll be getting more and more popular on here in no time! Until then, keep working hard.
Ah, and welcome to YWS! Little late, but whatever.
~Owl
Ooooh! That was really good! Especially for a start! Your words were concise, appealing and well thought out. I have a hard time believing this was one of the first things you've written on YWS. All I can say is: Keep. It. Up. Keep pumping out poetry like this. There were no grammar errors that I saw and it was quite simply put; good. Real good.
Hello and weeeeelcome to the Young Writers Society! We're very glad to have you.
I often have the same problem with editing, where blank lines don't appear on the published work. It doesn't look amazing, but I put a single full stop on lines which I use to seperate groups of text. You could also put something fancy like ~ or -+- but it doesn't really matter as long as the break in text is clear.
Your poem reads well, it sounds like a fantasy children's poem. I'm still wondering who he is, or if he's even an it. I guess it's someone or something which is widely known all around the world. Your title hints that perhaps he is her old lover, maybe love in general. But could you please just tell me? Because I'd really like to know.
Welcome again! I hope you keep writing!
I guess you are right with the lover part but not as you might think. Look up stories in the news of a girl asking an important person an important question.