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The Ghostly Sister

by NessieC


My name is McKenna Blair king. I live in whispering hills. My house is haunted but I’m the only one that knows. My new friend Tommy Jenkins believes me. It all started when I first moved in to whispering hills house #13 on Lilly Street. It was a cold chilly night, with a full moon, and wolves howling in the dark. I remember seeing a shadow at my door, I thought I was dreaming, but If I was, I kept seeing that same shadow at my door every night. Until one night when I decided to close my door and then. The hand reached out and grabbed me. I thought I was just seeing things, but then I was pulled into the hallway and dragged to this empty room that smelled like, rotten flesh. The shadow walked. Is this the living dead? Bam, bam, bam, I heard, bam, bam, bam. It sounded like a hammer being put through the walls. Bam, bam, bam. It finally stopped. Suddenly it felt like I couldn't breathe like I was being chocked. For a second I thought I was dead, but then I saw something a real person helping me get up. Her name was 'Andrea Torres'. I asked her how she got in here. She told me she heard screams so she ran in here to see what was going on. She also told me something that brought chills down my spine. She said that every person that has lived here has died within the first month. No one ever knew what exactly happened to them, but there was always rumors that a little girl that was murdered in this house the 1st week it was open still rolled around the house. To me I was more worried than scared I could feel my heart just about to jump out of my chest. I was going to find out who that little girl was and why she was still here. As I was thinking that I felt a sudden chill run down my spine, was it her? Leave, Now!!! I heard that a couple of times. Was it her or was it the wind? Leave, she said, I'm giving such a beautiful young girl like you a chance to live! Who are you? I'm the 13 year old who was killed by my father! What's your name? My name is..... Ally. Well Ally why are you still here? That’s none of your business! Can people see you? Only if I want them to. Will you allow me to see your face? Why should I? I will take care of you; treat you like you were my sister. Fine! What I saw was disturbing her face was fine but her arms and legs were covered in cuts that could never be healed. How long have you been killing people here? Since that sorry butt man died. How long has that been? 5 Years. Here I'll make you a promise if you will let my family stay I will have my mom, dad and I treat you like a daughter and a sister. Only if your dad leaves! Why? I don't allow any guy to live in this house. What if he doesn't leave? You'll find out!! It has been one week since she said that and that she was trying to scare them off but that night after they all ate dinner her dad was on his way to his room and was killed right in his spot. Why did you kill him? I gave you a week and he wasn't gone so that was the only way to get him to leave. What happens if my mom decides to find another man? I will kill him then. They are still living there as a happy family and McKenna treat’s the ghost as a loving and care sister. But there is more…. It is now Halloween at the King’s house and McKenna is throwing her first ever Halloween party. During the party McKenna meets her very first guy she actually likes. But the date is RUINED!!! She didn’t expect that her ghost sister would do that. On her way up to her attic room she heard her say “Why were you hanging with him?” With who? I asked. That boy! She screamed at me. He’s just a friend! I screamed back. Remember the day I told you no boy was ever allowed in my house that would ever get close to my family! She yelled. He was just a friend I had met, he wasn’t going to get that close to me! Sure, Whatever, BUT IF HE EVER COMES IN THIS HOUSE AGAIN I WILL KILL HIM JUST LIKE I DID TO YOUR FATHER! FINE YOU WON’T EVER SEE HIM IN YOUR FLIPPING HOUSE AGAIN! Who said it was my house? She asked calmly. YOU DID, REMEMBER YOU KILLED MY FATHER! Will you please stop yelling your giving me a ghost headache. I’M SORRY THAT I CAN’T BE YOUR PERFECT HUMAN SISTER! I never said anything about you being my perfect unghostly sister. OH, BUT YOU SURE AS HELL WANT IT TO BE BECAUSE YOU RUINED MY DATE! I knew you liked him! Yea maybe I did but every “NORMAL” Teenage girl is supposed to experience having a boyfriend! But, what if I don’t want you to be normal? And who said you were the boss of my life?! I stormed off to my room and hoped that stupid ghost would just disappear!

I was logging on to my computer to check my e-mail to see if he was online to tell him I was sooooo sorry. In my inbox was an e-mail from ghostgirl@hotmail.com. I didn’t want to talk to her anyway so I just hit DELETE! I then looked up his e-mail and IM’ED him. “I am so sorry for what happen can we go out again but not in this house.” “McKenna COME down to dinner NOW!” Ok, Mom!

I was on my way down the stairs when I heard my DEAD TO ME GHOST SISTER say; I know you deleted my e-mail. And? I wish you would just let me explain. Yeah and I wish I could have a boyfriend and you not want to kill him, But we all know that will never happen. I’m sorry. Maybe just once you could experience having a boyfriend that actually loves and cares for you and you might let me have one. I’ve had the chances to do that. Then why didn’t you take that chance. Because I didn’t know if I would get hurt. Did I get hurt while I was with him? No. So what does that tell you if you were with a guy? That I should try. She whispered in a disappointed that I proved her wrong voice. I told you so! I said while running down the stairs for dinner.

Who were you talking to? My mom asked. Oh just my sister you know. Well were moving next week so you need to tell her that. Ok, mom.

I was walking up the stairs to see my sister and give her the bad news when I heard her talking to some one. It sounded like his name was Porter and he was stuttering a lot which means he is a ghost. Ally, I yelled. Yeah. I have some bad news. What is it? We’re moving. What! I know I’m upset to. Can I come with you? Yes, I think.

They ended up moving into a nice fancy little mansion where her mom met a guy called Bryan and Ally fell in love with Porter and McKenna is now dating Justin a new totally hot guy at her school!


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Fri Jan 18, 2013 11:58 am
abelgaiya wrote a review...



Interesting, but unrefined.

The juxtaposition of the quotes were confusing at certain points. You need to work on your spacing in order to gain the tolerance of readers.

What was the point of mentioning the new friend Tommy Jenkins at the beginning, when he was not mentioned anywhere else in the story? You made him sound like a significant character when you outlined his knowledge of the haunted house; yet he turns out to be of no importance.

Close to the end you mentioned a stuttering male voice being heard. If stuttering is a feature of ghosts, why wasn't this mentioned about the main ghost of the story?

Furthermore you got me confused about Andrea Torres and the ghost.
Was Andrea the ghost? or was she just present when the ghost appeared to Mckenna?
Plus what was so special about Mckenna that made the ghost become friends with her, instead of murdering her like she did to the previous occupants of the house?
Mckenna was just 'ok' with the ghost killing her dad? It's a human being she killed, not a pet hamster!

So many questions erupted; so many questions left unanswered. So many illogical things going on both emotionally and intellectually.

I'm afraid this story isn't clarifying at all. If anything, it's absolutely muddling.
My point is, you need to work on your descriptive techniques.




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Thu Jan 17, 2013 11:58 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello Nessie, and welcome to YWS.

First things first, right now, most of your text is lumped together into one massive paragraph, which makes it very reader-unfriendly to read. I would recommend taking the time to go back in and add a blank line in between each paragraph, to make it easier for your readers to read. If you use Word, there's a nice article here that will make adding in blank lines much easier.

The submissions system also has a preview option which lets you check what your work will look like before you post it, and I recommend using it.

With that said, this story moved really fast. Really, really fast. It actually moved so fast, it was confusing what was going on, and even who is telling the story. I think you'll find this article in slowing things down a bit so that the events are easier to follow. You also switch from telling the story in first-person (I) to telling it in third person (she, they), which makes things even more confusing.

I would recommend going through this and deciding whether you want to tell this in first-person or third-person, and stick to using only that person through the entire story. It will help make your story much easier to follow.

As it stands, I couldn't enjoy this story because I had no idea what was going on.




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Thu Jan 17, 2013 7:16 pm
NessieC wrote a review...







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