The Inspection (Part 1 of 2)

Nephthys wrote:Felix Van Doren was having a good day. He’d successfully tailed his mark up Downwards Street, Change street name. down a couple alleys and made a note of the house she’d gone into on Widdershins Ave. He’d been followed by a couple of men in suits, but he’d lost them to in the labyrinth of the Old City. He had no doubt that they were part of Allegra’s test.

The cobblestones flew beneath his feet. This should not be its own paragraph.

If you asked Felix what his job was, he wouldn’t be able to give a good answer. He couldn't give a good answer? Make it "If you asked anyone what... they wouldn't..." --- At the same time, immediately after saying something like this, it's incumbent upon you to try to give us an answer; such as 'Part-time detective, part-time pawn broker, part-time international man of mystery' or something along those lines. Otherwise you leave us with a question that you promptly ignored. Felix worked for The UnIncorporation, that much was certain. What he did was harder to describe. One day he’d be in Monaco selling diamonds, the next in Prussia, delivering a package – or, like today, he’d be following someone through the bustling streets of Luxembourg – the grandest city in the world. Adjectives like 'grandest' are better shown, not told. Some of his work was even legal. We've never been given the hint that his work was illegal, although we can guess. The word 'even' is amateurish and unnecessary in this context. His boss Allegra never told him why she needed the crown jewels of Bohemia, or why the Duchess of Kent needed to be delivered a letter - and he never asked.

He followed his mark This should be in the past tense or imperfect, really- see line #1 – a young woman, whose black and white checkered umbrella stood out in stark contrast to the muted tones of the city Black and white can be muted tones. Make the umbrella colorful. - as she left the house and headed a few streets uptown to a small hat shop. Colours weren’t the same in the city. Everything was washed out, in dirty shades of burgundy, yellow, grey and brown.

Checkmate. Where does this come from? He dipped his pen in a bottle of golden coloured liquid and recorded the location of the hat shop. He smiled. He’d successfully recorded his mark's every move over the last twelve hours, without incurring suspicion of any kind. He’d heard that the Inspections were coming soon, and he had no doubt that he would pass his with flying colours. This all happens way too fast. Write an extra page of description, and small action. Your aim is to entertain us by showing that FVD is good at his job, not telling us that. Felix Van Doren was good at his job.

Now, he’d have a quick smoke, report back to Headquarters (wherever it was this week), and celebrate his success. Felix was not a fortune teller, but he could see an impressive raise in the near future. Terrible sentence. Strike, and re-write.

That is, until the manhole cover beneath his feet disappeared and he plummeted down under the city. Incredibly sudden, and totally misses any emotion the reader might feel. I don't give a damn about this character right now, and while I certainly wouldn't have guessed that he'd get swallowed up by the street, I'm not interested enough in your story to even be surprised. My assignment to you; this entire opening section should be at least five pages double spaced in size 12 Times New Roman font, with normal margins. Build the exposition.

Just based on this first bit, I will confidently make the prediction that this entire story will try to cram way too much action into a very tiny space. I'll check back on this at the bottom.

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The stone floor wall cool beneath his hands. He stood up slowly, straightening his jacket. The first thing he does is straightens his jacket? What? Did he not fall that far? Did he not hurt his head? Any part of his body? He straightens his jacket after a surprising fall into a manhole? No. Felix was fairly certain that he’d sprained a wrist, ...and he straightens his jacket. Seriously, you need to be thinking about these things. and more alarmingly, had received couple of un-mendable rips in his suit. The reader demands to know why this is more alarming than a sprained wrist. The darkness was staggeringly bright compared to the fading circle of daylight far above him. I'm sorry, what? That last sentence makes absolutely no sense. He was in a cavern. Please describe said cavern. Not all caverns are alike, and therefore, the word 'cavern' is hardly descriptive. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see that there were a few steps leading further underground. A gentle glow came from the passage ahead. He followed it. What did he follow? To follow something, that other thing has to be moving, or leading somewhere. He followed the staircase? Okay. He followed a glow coming from a staircase? Wrong.

A figure was seated on the opposite wall of the cavern, Where are we? You never even explained that there was a room at the bottom of the staircase. dressed in a long black robe. The slow drip, drip, drip of water created shimmering patterns of light on one wall of the cave. Where is this water coming from? Felix looked around and realized that he was not in fact in a cavern, but in an underground building that had once been a part of the Ancient City of Luxembourg. You seriously cannot just make up an entire historical backstory to your world, and then explain it away with one line. We needed to know about this old city long beforehand. The walls were adorned with faded, peeling frescoes, and there were candles on old metal stands scattered around the room.

“And who might you be?” Felix straightened his sleeve cuffs. I despise this dialogue already.

The figure stood gracefully, its black robe billowing. Where did the wind come from?

“A friend – or an enemy. It all depends on how cooperative you are.” This is horrible dialogue, devoid of imagination, and built out of paper cliché.

Felix raised an eyebrow. The voice was undoubtedly female, and the woman it belonged to didn’t look particularly threatening. “Cooperative? In what sense?”

“You will tell me everything you know about your job and your employer.”

“Or what?” Felix inspected a finely crafted mosaic, still mostly intact after centuries underground. He was wondering how much it would go for.

She shrugged. “I’ll kill you.” Where are the stakes in this scene, WHERE ARE THE STAKES?

Felix paused for a moment to gauge the sincerity of the threat. She seemed pretty sincere. He stood noticeably straighter.

“Well?” The figure motioned for him to continue, and her sleeve fell open, Her sleeve 'fell open'? How does that work? revealing a multitude of expensive rings. How did he know they were expensive?

Felix licked his lips, suddenly aware that his mouth was extremely dry. Too little characterization, too late. This needs to be all throughout this story. He surveyed the room. There was no other point of exit besides the way that he had come. Who had removed the manhole cover to make him fall? Wait, someone removed the manhole cover? I'm confused now, I thought he was standing on this manhole cover, and you're saying that someone went ahead and somehow moved it while he was standing on it, and he somehow stayed exactly where he was, and plummeted down, like Wil-e-coyote? And he didn't notice somebody near the manhole cover when he fell? You seriously need to figure out how your story works logistically before writing it. This makes no sense, and you're getting hammered on little continuity errors. “Prove it.”

“What?”

“Prove that you’re going to kill me.”

There was a pause. The figure seemed speechless that he would react to her threat with anything but terror. “Very well.” So we're told that this character is stunned at FVD's boldness, yet her next line is as cool calm and collected as her others?

I stopped reading here. (Well, I skimmed the end.)

Look, you asked me to read and review Part II of your story. Unfortunately, I can't read Part II, if I can't get through Part I. I don't care about these characters, the dialogue is flawed to the point of unreadability, and the plot is so bare, details to absent, that there's really no reason for the reader to hang on to this.

You look like you've done some work here, and I genuinely believe in your interest in working with this story, and so my advice is for you to immediately rewrite the opening half of 'Part I', with the aim of writing ten times as much. Describe absolutely every minuscule detail of this environment. Then in revision, cut it down and down, until you have something tighter that also manages to give the reader a workable plot and interesting, developed, characters.

Then we can talk about how to progress.




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She picked up a small golden bell from a stand beside her, and rang it gently a few times. From the passageway behind Felix a second hooded figure emerged.

Carrying a knife.

A large knife. A very large knife. A very large freshly-sharpened knife. The kind of knife specifically designed to cleave through human flesh. Its blade glinted ominously in the candlelight.

The figure approached, and grabbed Felix by the arm.

“Do you want me to cut him up a little to show him that we’re serious?” Based on her voice, Felix could tell that the second figure was also a woman, but considerably less elegantly spoken. And considerably more terrifying at the moment.

“That will not be necessary,” Felix said hastily. “I’ll tell you everything I know.”

The boss figure nodded to her minion to step down. She released him.

“I work for the UnIncorporation. My boss’s name is Allegra, but that is all I know about her. We meet at a new location every day, and she gives me a mission to complete.”

“I see.”

“Go on,” the minion encouraged, bringing her knife dangerously closer to his face.

“That’s all I can tell you.”

“He’s lying,” the first figure said. “Kill him.”

“Wait!” The knife stopped barely an inch from his neck. “How do I know that I can trust you? Swear that if I tell you everything, you’ll let me go.

The first figure was silent for a moment. She was not impressed. “You’re not really in a position to bargain here.”

He stared back defiantly.

“Very well, you have my word. Now continue.”

“I've already said that I work for the UnIncorporation. The specifics of my job are a little more difficult to describe. I do – well – everything. I steal things, deliver things, follow people. It all depends on the day. For instance, this evening I delivered a package containing the crown jewels of Bohemia to nine hundred and twenty three East Crescent, where there will be an important company meeting tonight. If you are interested in attending, Allegra will be there, and I’m sure she could tell you more about the activities of the UnIncorporation than I can. Will that do?”

The first figure nodded slowly, “I’ve heard enough.” Her voice was different. Strangely familiar. She removed her hood.

Allegra sighed. “I really am disappointed in you Felix. You showed great promise.” She let the truth sink in for a minute before she continued. “This was your test. You failed.”

“Daphne.” She gestured for the second figure, now revealed as her assistant Daphne, to proceed with his sentence. Knives were much too messy for Allegra. Instead, Daphne reached down to the floor and pulled open a sewer grate.

Allegra sighed again. “At least the alligators will be well fed.”

Daphne pushed Felix Van Doren down into the sewers of the Ancient City to his certain death.