Our Kiss

First Off, I'd like to say I really liked this poem, although it could use a few change-ups. Here are some of my suggestions. They will be in italics.


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Our Kiss

When I see your face,

Your lips are what I want to taste.

As you say my name,

You are what I want to tame,

As my face blush, My blood rush,
I don't think this quite makes sense. Maybe change it to " As my face begins to blush, my blood begins to rush, or something like it.

I know I want this to last for forever,

I know it would never, Maybe change to:" I know I want this to last for forever, It could never,"

As the night begins to end,

The kiss you want still pend,

As you lean in for the kiss,

I hope that you miss, What exactly do you mean here? It is confusing.

As our lips connect,

I know the night will begin to end with this little peck,

I kiss you,
You kiss me,

I want this to be,

Forever, It would never,

As the night ends,

The longing I want for this still pends,

This is our kiss,

Our kiss, I will miss

Hello there my name is Mackenzie and I will be reviewing your work today (:

Our Kiss
When I see your face,
Your lips are what I want to taste.
As you say my name,
You are what I want to tame,
As my face blush, My blood rush,
I know I want this to last for forever,
I know it would never,
As the night begin to end,
The kiss you want still pend,
As you lend in for the kiss,
I hope that you miss,
As our lips connect,
I know the night will begin to end with this little peck,
I kiss you, You kiss me,
I want this to be,
Forever, It would never,
As the night end,
The longing I want for this still pend,
This is our kiss,
Our kiss, I will miss

Alright so as P!nk said before this line doesn't make sense, "As my face blush, my blood rush,"
And P!nk said a way you could do it as will i
"As my face blushes, my blood begins to rush,"

"I know i want this to last for forever, I know it would never,"

This didn't have any flow, like P!nk also said.

I also noticed you have no punctuation, just commas. Which kind of made me crazy! it's like after the first sentence that ends with a period There's a run on that goes on and on and on.

Hello,

My name is Jacintha and I've decided to critique your work tonight.

[/quote]As my face blush, My blood rush


It doesn't really make sense. Maybe if you change it do

" As my face begins to blush, My blood begins to rush"?

I know I want this to last for forever,
I know it would never



It doesn't flow with the rest of the poem. It made me stop and re-read a million times, searching for a way for it to flow.

You use the word "begin", I think it should be "begins".

The words "pend" isn't a word...at least I've never heard of it. Perhaps the word you were looking for is "Pending" meaning to await conclusion or confirmation....If that is the word you're looking for, I'm not sure it makes the poem flow. So that should probably be changed.

I think you were trying to say "lean" instead of "lend".

I want this to be,
Forever, It would never,
As the night end,
The longing I want for this still pend


This makes sense to me when I switch a few things around and change a few words. It is a little bit hilter skilter. I'd rethink this entire part or just use different words to express what you're trying to express in this part.

All in all it was pretty good though. I loved the first part where you wrote