The Never-ending Cycle.
A (boring) note from the author:
The first chapter is pretty abstract, and it doesn't really progress the plot. Just skip to chapter 1.1 for the real story. Also please excuse my average writing skills. I often write on my rooftop (for inspiration and relaxation), and I can only do so late at night without to avoid disruptions. I'd like to get your advice, and I'm open to criticism. All of this was inspired by my past experiences, and they remain in the past. I'm currently okay. I just wanted to write down those past thoughts and tendencies, in order to examine my life as a whole and to help accept myself. Anyways thanks for reading!
Chapter 1: The reason why.
I faced forward with my back
against the once nostalgic view of meagerly lit concrete walls. Taking one step
at a time, I once more escaped an empty defeat. Step with the right. Step with
the left. Enter heel first. End with the toes. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. It would repeat itself, until I went to
somewhere. Somewhere where time equates to sustenance and nothing more, then
I’d have to walk somewhere else. A place where the interior only consists of
what is necessary, although what is deemed necessary is much too cruel compared
to human standards. Food that required sacrifice. Shelter made and rectified by
the weary. Water stolen from beings who now thirst. That is what is necessary
for survival. To thrive, I think that required something displayed on screens
or books. I think… I think I knew what it meant to thrive at one point.
I’ve fallen in love twice, and I’ve
been lied to twice. Once was with a city, where the concrete scraped the skies.
The lights were never just yellow or white, and the green of nature never grew
wild. There was blue that often crashed against the structures of man. The
people there had a background similar to mine, despite there being such a
fairly large populace. The place was completely foreign, yet it felt like home.
That it where I wanted to be; it is where I longed to go. I played my part as a
human battery. I treaded the dirt the others called concrete. I ate the rubbish
the gluttons called food. I gazed upon the brightness the fools called light. I
withstood the abuse of others. I had run from the issues that kept coming back.
I had repressed certain thoughts and feelings for years. I did all that, so
that I could live once more in blissful ignorance. The city lied to me though.
I was given sights of nostalgia and beauty, yet it was meaningless. For I was
the one who made it meaningless.
In that same place, I fell in love
once more. There was a café that faced the Han River. In sight was the world’s
second tallest building, and the N Seoul Tower which glowed bright green indicating
that air pollution was light. There was movement of green, purple, yellow,
white, red, and orange amongst the night. Next to me was someone who still
loved glorious sights. She peered out the balcony from her stool, as she sipped
on cheap cocoa. For some reason she took an interest in me. One day I asked her
why, and she responded with, “it was because of the way you were sitting on the
edge of the railing, whilst the grandmas and servers playfully scolded you.
When I came to approach you, I asked for your name, but instead you replied
with the words, “many often mistake my name for the words masochist, free
loader, or shut in.”” I didn’t understand the sincerity behind her statement,
and I passed it off as a joke. We were never intimate or anything; we were just
good friends. She reminded me a lot of a childhood acquaintance I once knew, so
I took a liking to her. She told that me that she’d always be there for me
whenever I needed help. For a long time, I greatly appreciated the sentiment
and the help that followed. Her statement was a lie though. She died of a
premature death, and life was once more bitter.
It’s saddening that anything good requires
an experience mutually shared between two or more people. The conscious effort
is to rectify our biological drive, but I don’t want to do any of that. I’m
tired of thinking, and I’m tired of blurring the lines. I think… that the
answer lies somewhere in the present.
Answer?
Yeah… there must be some universal truth
behind the universe.
Truth?
Well… if logic is
utilized by everyone, then logic must’ve been used by those around me to derive
some meaning or else they wouldn’t have-
Perhaps you’re just
too stubborn to submit yourself to the chaotic yet joyful nature of reality.
Joyful? How could I ever wish to live a
joyful life if my subconscious simply won’t allow it?
Whose fault is that?
I don’t think that matters anymore.
Why?
It’s just too vague of a question, so it has too many
answers.
Why?
It’s so monotonous. Asking yourself simple questions that
are just too vague.
Why?
Shut up. Shut up!
Why?
The whole basis of life is ridiculous! Having to go about in
search for lasting relief! It’s all just so we can experience longevity! It’s
so our subconscious will stop pestering us to survive, die, or evolve! How can
anyone justify or talk of something, if nothing is certain!
…. Yeah…. why…?
Chapter 1.1
With knees on the ground, my eyes constantly darted from one
place to the next. Wall, bed, night stand, lamp, desk, door, fan, water bottle,
drawer. I didn’t want to focus on anything, and I especially didn’t want to
have to look at what was right in front of me. It was too late though. The
sensation of touch against the handle brought back my attention. The
frustration was enough to make me scream.
My emotions were a complete and utter mess; all I knew was that the feeling was
sickening. My body was shaking, and each sudden swerve or subconscious movement
was followed by the small jingle of my muscles. I finally stopped hesitating,
and I look down. In my right hand was a small clutter of exactly six bullets,
each of which had a word written on them. The first word was “I’m.” The last
word was “selfish.” It was my final testimony, “I’m sorry, for I’m too
selfish.”
…. In my left hand was a revolver…
Chapter 1.2
I’m not sure why, but out of the whole mess of emotions I
began to feel rage. Perhaps it was because it acted as a driving force for me,
when I loaded the gun. Death was creeping on my front door, and I kept blurting
out final words. It was just an amalgamated mess of tangled sentences stating
my regrets.
Upon listing regrets, I began to vividly remember too much
of the past. It served as a cold reminder, the final driving force. My hands
now faced the skies as if I were praying, yet my hoisted pointer fingers were
the odd ones out. At a certain point my migraines started to kick in, and I had
begun to lose the sensation of touch. The physical aspect of my pain was slowly
fading, along with the mental. I still shook heavily though. The shaking
allowed my fingers to move with little effort, and then I was gone…
Chapter 2: Querida.
(Nothing begins nor ends without movement, although
sometimes the movement of time swerves to create nothing more than a loop).
Is this death?... No,
this is too familiar of a sensation. I’m still alive, in some aspect. I still
think, but I’m not sure if I’m breathing. Where is this? What is this? Why
can’t I just be allowed to sleep… why won’t you allow me to just rest in
peace…. Querida.
I felt my body bathing in the heat of something warm, whilst
movement went about on my forehead. Although my pupils were hidden behind my
eyelids, they still detected a presence. I skooched a little to assure myself
that I was still alive. Upon doing so, I felt the gentle touch of cotton
against my back. I was now able to tell that I had been sitting. The air before
me had been propelled by a great force, and a breeze struck my face. It was a
serene moment, and I didn’t want to ruin it by moving. The sensation of
serenity blanketed my entire body. My mind was blank, but it grew slightly
restless as time passed. To alleviate the restlessness, I opened my eyes,
hoping that the sensation wouldn’t fade away upon doing so.
To my surprise I was at the place I had once loved the most.
The night sky presented itself in the café once more, to my viewing pleasure.
The green, purple, orange, white, blue, and red lights had begun to dance as
the tears manipulated my sight.
Why am I feeling
nostalgic? Why here and now, of all times?
I had slowly learned the reason I was crying. As I shifted
my right hand to wipe the tears off, I suddenly realized that it had been resting
upon something or someone. The heat I was bathing in had belonged to a person.
We sat side by side peering out onto the view in golden silence. The entirety
of her body remained slightly visible in the city lights, so long as she
remained stationary within her chair. I was honestly dumbfounded and my arm
fell back onto her.
How ironic… an atheist
got to go to heaven. I finally get to rest… no need for goodbyes or hellos,
let’s just stay like this for the eternity of time.
“I agree with you,” She said as her lips formed a slight
smile. “I wholeheartedly agree with you.”
“Heh… ha… w-what… Is…” I don’t know why I was stuttering,
perhaps it was because I was shocked by how she suddenly talked out of the
blue, in order to reply to my own personal thoughts.
“No, I can’t read your thoughts, and yes, I’m real. Heh,
you’re just as predictable as always.” She replied with a hint of satisfaction
beneath her words. “I’m still not quite sure where we are, but it sure is
nice.”
“Y-yeah.” I hesitantly said. I guess I was talking weirdly,
because after I responded she immediately glanced at my face.
I suppose there was a shred of grief in my reply, due to the
way I was talking. I wasn’t anxious or sad, but I was just overwhelmed and
relieved. She saw that after mistakenly and initially viewing the tears that
still steadily flowed. She gave a sincere look on her face that said, “I know,
I know, it’s been too long.” It took me a short while to stop the flow of
tears, but I eventually collected myself.
“Relax, we may be dead, but we’re still alive now, aren’t
we?” She asked her rhetorical question after taking a brief moment to look at
my face. There was now a somewhat awkward silence, until she broke the quite
once more. “I know why you’re here Kaiser.”
“Well I’m an atheist so I’m surprised that I-“
“No, I mean that I know why you’re here.” She said after quickly interrupting
me, this time with a darker undertone. At first, I didn’t understand, until I
realized that she was hinting at my earlier episode concerning the revolver.
“I-I’m really- “
“No need to apologize.” She interrupted me again. “I realize
now how selfish I had been as well.”
She was obviously hinting at something, but this time I
didn’t quite catch her drift. She continued though.
“I did it so that you could live… But I didn’t realize that
living requires more than just yourself. In a way… I kind of abandoned you and
indirectly killed you. So… that’s why I don’t blame you, especially with all
that you’ve gone through.” She said with a hint of pretense, as her voice began
to break. “I just… wanted you to know that.”
Why are you blaming
yourself… please… just stop it.
In a futile effort to lighten the atmosphere, I began to
laugh. For some odd reason the reality of me dying had struck me whilst
laughing, eventually each chuckle became more and more sincere as I began to
realize how uncanny the reality of the situation was.
“Why…why are laughing at me?” She asked with a worried
expression on her face.
“Eh? No, no, no it’s just that… it’s ironic.” She still
didn’t quite understand what was so comical about her words, so I went into
further detail. “It’s just that… you blame yourself for my death, but this just
be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.”
She finally understood and let out a small chuckle. “Only a
person like you would say such an uncanny thing.”
We sat it golden silence once more, to take in the nostalgic
view. My mind was blocking out all other noise and thoughts as I my
appreciation for this moment began to grow. Towers blanketed the skies, as they
nestled along the river. The waters moved under the bright white of street
lamps. To my right were the concrete roads that hovered over the ground, to
forever yield hundreds upon hundreds of automobiles. They shone vivid hues of
red and orange, to create a steadily flowing stream of dancing lights.
Once more the view of
city lights became a sweet sight for sore eyes “Kaiser.” She said without
shifting her eyes from the view.
“Yes.” I replied.
“It just seems like you’re back to your fluffy self again,
as if your depression has just faded away.” She said.
“Perhaps it’s because I’m now reliving the past, the past
where things weren’t so bitter.” I said whole heartedly. “I think… that I’m no
longer able to feel something that belonged to the present.”
“Do you… still hate life?” She asked reluctantly.
“How can I?” I quickly replied.
Although it is true
that I was miserable just a moment ago, but that is now buried in the past.
“And… um… do you blame me?”
“In all honesty, I blamed myself. I hated myself. I hated
having to learn the basics of living all over again, so I just stopped. I think…
I think that what I did earlier set something into motion. I’m still not quite
sure what pain, darkness, or even reality is, but I know what I loved and
wanted. So how can I blame anything or anyone with the little information I’m
going off of. Although I knew for certain what I loved, I can for sure say that
this happiness is genuine. Since that is the case, to hell with misery.” I half
yelled, as to get my point across.
She replied with a monosyllable as to confirm that she
understood what I was trying to say. Although it was just a monosyllable I
could tell that it was more than that, as to tell me that my answer was correct
and that there was no longer any need for questions or answers.
That’s right… at that moment there was no need for questions
and answers. It was foolish of us to even ask in the first place. It was
foolish of us to dwindle more time on the unnecessary, when the time was there
for us alone, not for us to discuss matters of ethos or blame. Although… how
could I done that… how could I have wished to achieve anything?
Chapter 3: Pathos
I had awoken a second time… this time, to reality. With my
back resting on the floor, I saw another familiar sight, the one I had woken up
to every day, my ceiling. Apparently I was too nervous to actually tell what I
was doing, since there was a gaping hole on the ceiling fan. When I tried
looking downwards, my view was distorted yet again by tears. I had wiped them
away. As I began to move my arm my sense of touch was restored, and I felt the
warmth of my right hand. As if it had been held by someone.
Damn it…. Damn it all…
why’d you have to do this to me a second time.
Reality had been too cruel to me. I was still a child,
trapped within the boundaries of the world. It was infuriating, purely
frustrating. As a child, I cried once more. It was my futile attempt to tell
the world of just how cruel it truly is. I let the waterworks flow as I tried
to focus on my hand. I tried to remember the heat it felt. I tried remembering
what it had touched. And I especially tried to remember the face of the woman
whom the hand had rested upon. I couldn’t bear myself to do any of that though…
Hours and perhaps even days had passed. I wasn’t sure if I
was hungry and/or dehydrated, despite knowing that I hadn’t eaten or drank
anything for the entirety of that episode. I spent much time lying on the floor,
with nothing on my mind. I hadn’t had the urge or even the will to get up. I
had just given up wholeheartedly on both living and dying, so I settled for
what was in-between the two. Stationary and monotonous existence.
It wasn’t until somewhere during the night that I felt a
sudden impulse. I knew what it meant all too well. It was the type of impulse
that created a pure flash of emotions. Adrenaline, rage, and despair would
amalgamate into one, to subconsciously yet consciously push me past my breaking
point. I felt it after episodes of great frustration or long periods of
depression. I had tried ignoring it, but doing so only made it worse. I just
wanted to get be rid of any responsibilities and demands, so I succumbed. I
urgently left my apartment, and I just ran. Other times I’d just stare at
something for hours whilst thoughts consumed my every being. Sometimes I’d
throw my body against random objects, in order to alleviate the rage and remind
myself that I’m still on Earth, via the sensation of touch and pain. Other
times I’d just act out of pure and fearsome impulse, and this was one of those
times. My body just ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran
and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. I eventually
crashed though. But just when I had thought that I was done, I immediately
began to scream and beat the ground with all my limbs and might. I crashed once
more and had just fallen onto the grass. I resisted sleep, for I didn’t want to
go back to the small café at who knows where.
When it came to the matter of sleep, I didn’t have much of a
choice to begin with. As I had predicted, it brought nothing but more despair.
Chapter 4: Totality
Why can’t I just… fall
asleep. Even in my slumber, I can still feel. Please stop this… just let me
rest already. Haven’t I been through enough already?
…
I was asleep yet conscious at the same time. This was
different from when I was sitting in that small café. There was nothing
peaceful about this. I felt as if I were drifting in deep murky waters. It was
cold, and I could tell that I really wasn’t breathing.
Am I actually
drowning?
Once more I felt the small sensation of touch on my right
hand, and I was quite sure that it was touching something foreign. Out of
curiosity, I tried opening my eyelids but nothing moved. This time there’d be
no glistening light nor feelings of familiarity. No grand spectacles of man nor
of the universe. It was just a void, a true and total epidome of emptiness. Along
with emptiness was absence. Absence of love, light, hope, happiness, joy, and
especially…. Air… Figurative walls of my own imaging began closing in onto me.
Everything was absent, yet my conscious was still allowed to exist. It was
sickening, distasteful, disgusting, and suffocating. I suddenly couldn’t handle
it anymore. I could no longer handle the reality of any situation. My mind
drifted, and I was just along for the ride.
Why is this happening
to me? What’s going on? Where are you? Why aren’t you here with me? Why must
you abandon me again? Please, please, please stop this. Please, please, please
don’t do this to me again. Don’t abandon me. Don’t kill me. Don’t hurt me. Stop
it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop making
me think. Stop playing with me. Stop having me do this. Stop this pain. Stop
it. Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME. PLEASE DON’T ABANDON ME.
PLEASE LET ME LIVE. PLEASE STOP THE REGRET I FEEL. PLEASE STOP THE LONESOME
NIGHTS. PLEASE STOP THE PAST.PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY. PLEASE STOP THE PAIN. IT
WAS YOUR FAULT. I WAS JUST A KID. I WAS JUST A KID. I WAS JUST A KID. I WAS
JUST A KID. I JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I JUST WANTED TO LOVE
AND LIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I JUST WANTED TO EXIST. I’M NOT SELFISH. PLEASE
STOP SAYING THAT I TAKE TOO MUCH, WHEN I CARE SO LITTLE. PLEASE STOP JUDGING
ME, I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY.
JUST LET ME BE LIKE YOU. JUST LET ME LIVE WITH YOU. JUST LET ME SEE YOU. I’M
NOT CRAZY. I’M CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. 1’N N0T CR4ZY. 1’N M0T CR4Zi. 1’N v0t Cr4ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
%#*%&@)#*$#*$()@#%)@#*%%#@)(*%@#()$*@#()$*#()@*$()#$*#()@*$()@#$*@#()$*#@()*$#@()%*#)%*@$@$^!@($&*(#&@$#*(%(*@#&%)@!$@(_$*!@(_$@*)%*)$@(#*$!_%*()#@&%)#*%&*)#%&@(!$&@(!_$($#(_$&!_(%(_&%#(_&$(_&!#(_$****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
…
Chapter 4.1
I had awoken a second time. In my right hand was something
cold, inanimate, stationary, and lifeless… it was house keys. Everything was
becoming too uncanny. On a subconscious level I knew what was going on, but I
didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that I’d miss a shot at
such a close range. I didn’t want to believe that I returned home, after I had
run out with nothing but my boxers and shirt. I didn’t want to believe that the
universe was pulling me back here. So, in order to cope with reality, I kept
coming up with falsified explanations.
I must’ve not been
aiming at all, on the account of how on edge I was. I must’ve just blacked out
from all the emotion, upon hearing the loud noise of the gun.
I must’ve had my door
unlocked, when I left. I probably had just walked back home, half-asleep. Yea.
Yea… Y-Yea… no… no… no. no. no. no. no.
I was still unsure of anything, expect for the fact that it
was too much. Everything was just too much. I couldn’t bear such uncanny
situations, especially at a time like this. It was just too much for me to
handle, so I broke. I finally broke. I don’t what I felt or thought at that
point in time, perhaps I was just desperate.
I tried electrocution, but when I entered the plug my
electricity was cut. Apparently, I ignored my bills for far too long, although
there was no longer any need to worry about bills. What concerned me though is
that the notification taped on my door stated that I was cut off after sixty
days of not paying. I stopped paying on day forty, which is when I had the
episode with the revolver. I suddenly realized that I was laying on the floor
for almost a month.
I hadn’t missed that shot, and I died from neglect. I was
just trapped. It was futile… no matter what, I’d end up in the same place. My
bedroom was now a painful sight, yet I always kept returning there somehow. The
world wanted me alive, yet I wanted to play no part in this world.
Chapter 5: Demiurge.
I was miserable. I was starving. I was crazy. I was fanatic.
I was desperate. I was helpless. I was unappreciated. I was unloved. I was
tired. I was something that not even derogatory terms or adjectives could ever
fully say. The only thing I had left to cling onto was the memory of the one
who made me smile, yet she was fading from my mind. I had spent so much time
remembering the details of her face and reminiscing of our days together. Yet I
could only remember small snippets and details about her. I was truly defeated.
Why can’t I remember? I
thought I saw you as someone special, although I suppose my mind just didn’t
see it that way… Why is this happening to me? Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn it all!
Damn it all!
Countless hours were spent trying to conjure up even the
smallest things about her, yet it was all futile. I had an eternity to live,
yet I could no longer spend a moment of it in bliss. I had all the time in
world, so I spent all the time in the world. Perhaps it was weeks or months or
maybe even years, but I spent a great deal of time trying. One day, for some
reason, I decided to look out window. I spent so much time and effort in order
to obtain this place. I thought that going somewhere where I was once happy
would make me happy forever. I was a fool. I still am a fool. For hoping that a
city could change me… for hoping that a view of city would bring back even a
glimpse of the one I loved.
That’s when I remembered something… she liked views like
these and so did I. Perhaps I lost my sense of wonder, when I lost my capacity
to look at city lights. I tried thinking of all the places I had visited. All
the sights I had seen. Even though I was always alone on my travels, I was
still happy, yet it was short lived. Because anything good comes from something
that is mutually experienced by two or more people. But at point in my life, I
did experience those mutual felt emotions with one person. I was overjoyed. I
was alive. That day I was able to remember practically everything. Perhaps I
only saw small snippets and savored them for a long while, in a desperate
attempt to escape my reality. All I know is that I was overwhelmed that day. I
felt alive once more, even if it was for a short while…
^&**(, ((&&*&(*, @#$%^&*, !$*$^&*,
(*&^%, (*&^%$%^&*(, &^%$%^&*&^%, *&^%$, #$%^&,
#$%^&, $%^&*&^%, (*&^%$, #$%^%$#, &^%$#$,
#$%^&*&^%$, $%^&*(*&^, and )(*&^%$ I had remembered all
those places and names, each of which I had a special memory associated with it.
I had remembered enough to pull me through a single day. For the first time in
a long time, I fell asleep, and I remained asleep. This time it was without
fear or bitterness, it was just a pure and innocent slumber.
I… I feel warmth… I
can sense a presence… have I just been in purgatory this entire time? Heh… If
so, then god is crueler than I had though…
Chapter 5.1
My eyelids remained shut, and I knew that they were shut.
Yet I saw something. I was dreaming of, no, I was reliving a memory of *&^$#
and there I saw a peculiar person. It was of her… she had a thick sweater, long
pants, and a pair of flip-flops. The vibrant colors of her clothing would shift
as we continued to walk along the edge of the water. Perhaps she was wearing
all white and her clothes reflected the brightness of the streets, vendors, and
lamps. It didn’t matter though. All that mattered is that I was able to spend
one more night a bliss. I just stared at her figure of the entirety of that
dreamt up evening. For once I could see her face, and I spent every moment
remembering the details once more. Her black hair. Her
%$#@^ eyes. Her %$#@ and *&@%^ nose. Her $#%^&*(# lips and %$^&
brows. I remembered it all, and I saw it all. It wasn’t (was) a futile attempt. I could (couldn’t) see my life set into motion
once more. I wasn’t (was) alone.
We didn’t conversate. The silence was golden. The sand was
golden. The light was golden. The water was golden. The final glimmer of the
sun was golden. Her *&^ skin was golden. Everything was glorious. It was
pure. It was… nice.
We did exchange plenty of glances, monosyllables, and short
sentences though, as if we held a silent conversation of our own. I’m not sure
if our “talking” was a continuation of that sitting in the café, or if it was
just a “conversation” in general. It was a playful banter of sorts, that only
we could understand.
The night continued on, and we continued to walk side by
side. Hours must’ve passed, wherever we were, since it felt like a had spent an
eternity walking. We eventually reached concrete though. To our left was a
horizontal structure that reach out into the water. Slowly creeping down it, we
eventually reached a bench located at the end. I sat and she sat.
Over the horizon was the vast and endless waters. We peered
out onto the sight, as it became more and more visible in the rising sun. The
gas star partially illuminated the vast horizon, as the soft red rays began to
scrape the surface of the water. The sun was currently nothing more than a soft
velvet line that expended beyond the reached of the Earth, waiting to take its
spherical form again.
I had once more bathed in the heat of this warm dream. There
was a physical warmth, yet there was an emotional one as well. A type of warmth
that could never be fully explained in literature, for nobody could ever hope
to replicate it. The sun was starting to peak inch by inch, to take back its
original and proper form. The sun wasn’t necessary for today though, for I was
already feeling quite toasty. The velvet line slowly grew brighter and brighter
into an orange hue as the tip of the sphere began to form. When we saw the
orange of the sun, the soft red that had scraped the water became a vibrant reddish
orange with white. Soon, the rays no longer scraped the water but rather they
began to dance with the whole movement of the sea. Everything was becoming
brighter and brighter and then suddenly, a great burst of wind hit us. It was
strong enough to even push back the skin on my face, and it didn’t stop.
Eventually the vibrant colors were substituted with dull gray. I turned to look
at $#%^& for comfort, but her face and even her figure became a blur in the
great winds. I tried reaching for her with my hand, but that’s when she
interrupted me by saying, “I’m sorry.”
Amongst the noise of
the wind, her voice was completely audible and they struck me with despair.
“No damn it! $#%^& don’t do this a third time! Not
again! Not again!” I screamed, but I barely made any noise, for not even I
could hear myself.
…
The wind didn’t let up, yet $#%^& was still in sight. I
kept calling and reaching out, yet nothing worked. Once my I was limited to the
boundaries of some cruel matrix. All I could now see was her petite figure and
the outlines of her clothing.
“Kaiser,” She had said my name out the blue, yet what was
shocking is that her words were still audible amongst the chaos.
I tired my hardest to respond, yet nothing got through.
Eventually she replied in recognition of this, “I think I run to avoid hurting
you.”
….
I had awoken another time in my accused bedroom, yet this
time it wasn’t was lonesome as always.
“Kaiser,” the familiar voice next to me said.
“Yea- “I saw the figure of the I had willingly despaired
over, yet I only saw that, her figure. She had her hand on my back, and I
suddenly realized that we were sitting on my bed. I couldn’t tell if I
should’ve been happy, overwhelmed, sad, or teary eyed. All I knew is that I had
to something out there.
“$#%^& thank you… thank you… thank you… thank you… you
haven’t abandoned me… you’re still- “I could no longer continue, for my
emotions had taken over. I knew now what I was feeling, happiness.
“Kaiser,” the familiar voice said once more, “you were my
biggest mistake.”
…
Once more the world had shot me down.
“Kaiser,” the voice had said. The voice capable of making or
destroying me. The voice capable of saving or endangering me, “Kaiser, it’s
finally high time that I’ve finally gotten to meet you.”
I was confused. Purely and utterly confused.
“Kaiser… it’s time to wake up.” The familiar voice said.
When I had looked up, I no longer saw the figure of woman nor man. It was a
great darkness that outlined a human being, and its hand continued to lay on my
back.
My expression quickly changed.
Should I be relieved
that it wasn’t really her? Was she even real? Is any of this real?
My mind kept racing and racing and racing, until… I finally
blacked out.
Chapter 6: Admission
“Why does someone so
desensitized the idea of death have so much fear in his heart?” The much
too recognizable voice had said, “Is it
so much easier to just agonize every day, rather then making something of
yourself. Besides, people like her are all too common, your relations could
easily be re-established.”
“Shut up,” I thought to myself, “How could I be cruel enough
to drag another one into my problems. It’s easier to agonize, because that way
nobody else gets hurt.”
“Yet you still crave
relations, although it’s only human.”
A long silence sulked over my head. There I was, sitting on
the edge of my bed, but this time I was visited with the epitome of my madness.
It was an old childhood friend of mine, one that had existence the day I began
to lose faith in myself. After spending so much time pondering and
overthinking, conjuring up questions became automatic. It’d happen outside of
my own volition, and I would always be successfully provoking into answering
them to remind myself of the guilt and loneliness that permeates within me.
Sometimes I’d give this subconscious version of myself a form. I give it all of
my mannerisms and looks, yet it had a different mind of its own. It was an
imaginary friend of mine that I can’t stop visiting.
“You’ve been ignoring
me a lot lately. Not feeling well Kaiser?”
I didn’t respond, nor did I want to respond. This time I
kept to myself, and I just stared blankly at the ceiling.
“Don’t test me,” It
said angrily.
I just kept ignoring him, until my subconscious gave in. In
front of me was the upper half of my body, disrupting my view of the eggshell
white ceiling. His black hair. His %$#@^ eyes. His %$#@ and *&@%^ nose. His
$#%^&* lips and %$^& brows. I remembered it all, and I hated it
all.
“I’ve been keeping you
company all this time, yet you still ignore me.”
My mind kept abusing me, and it started to occur. My right ear, it was being violated. The
whisper. The voice. The messages. It always haunted me. How the demon in my
right ear would say single worded messages, upon time of normality or fear. I
hated it. I hated how every word was muttered. I hated the sensation it left
intact with its short messages. I hated the irritation of my ear upon its
visitation. I hated all of this.
“Ga- just leave me alone!” I screamed. My hand covered my
ear, and my eyes were closed. It was no use though, for they had existed within
myself. So, in a futile attempt, I screamed, “Just leave me alone!”
And they did… For only a short while though. Suddenly, I had
felt the touch of a human hand. Its fingers wrapped around my neck and
tightened itself. Was this my own hand? Had this arisen from my old childhood
habit? The feeling is familiar… I was being chocked, yet I didn’t care, for the
feeling was all too familiar. When I was about to cave in, I finally opened my
eyes. In front of me was the same person, proceeding with his usual threats and
harm. This time it was different though. For my image had only caused directly
caused me mental harm, never physical.
This was it. The pain in my chest was unbearable as my body
started to cave in from the lack of oxygen. My head was stuffed with pressure, and
my neck was feeling sore. Just when I was about to pass out, the fingers
started to loosen, and I began to breathe.
Panting like a dog, I looked once more at what was in front
of me. This time, we were both sitting, yet the image of me sat on the floor
with his glasses reflecting my red face.
“I think that it has
been long enough, wouldn’t you agree?” He asked me with a nonchalant
expression on his face.
Still panting, I responded whilst gasping out a sum of air,
“obviously.”
“You’re right Kaiser. It is obvious that we’ve been
spending too much time together.
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