Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The Never-ending Cycle.
A (boring) note from the author:
The first chapter is pretty abstract, and it doesn't really progress the plot. Just skip to chapter 1.1 for the real story. Also please excuse my average writing skills. I often write on my rooftop (for inspiration and relaxation), and I can only do so late at night without to avoid disruptions. I'd like to get your advice, and I'm open to criticism. All of this was inspired by my past experiences, and they remain in the past. I'm currently okay. I just wanted to write down those past thoughts and tendencies, in order to examine my life as a whole and to help accept myself. Anyways thanks for reading!
Chapter 1: The reason why.
I faced forward with my back against the once nostalgic view of meagerly lit concrete walls. Taking one step at a time, I once more escaped an empty defeat. Step with the right. Step with the left. Enter heel first. End with the toes. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. It would repeat itself, until I went to somewhere. Somewhere where time equates to sustenance and nothing more, then I’d have to walk somewhere else. A place where the interior only consists of what is necessary, although what is deemed necessary is much too cruel compared to human standards. Food that required sacrifice. Shelter made and rectified by the weary. Water stolen from beings who now thirst. That is what is necessary for survival. To thrive, I think that required something displayed on screens or books. I think… I think I knew what it meant to thrive at one point.
I’ve fallen in love twice, and I’ve been lied to twice. Once was with a city, where the concrete scraped the skies. The lights were never just yellow or white, and the green of nature never grew wild. There was blue that often crashed against the structures of man. The people there had a background similar to mine, despite there being such a fairly large populace. The place was completely foreign, yet it felt like home. That it where I wanted to be; it is where I longed to go. I played my part as a human battery. I treaded the dirt the others called concrete. I ate the rubbish the gluttons called food. I gazed upon the brightness the fools called light. I withstood the abuse of others. I had run from the issues that kept coming back. I had repressed certain thoughts and feelings for years. I did all that, so that I could live once more in blissful ignorance. The city lied to me though. I was given sights of nostalgia and beauty, yet it was meaningless. For I was the one who made it meaningless.
In that same place, I fell in love once more. There was a café that faced the Han River. In sight was the world’s second tallest building, and the N Seoul Tower which glowed bright green indicating that air pollution was light. There was movement of green, purple, yellow, white, red, and orange amongst the night. Next to me was someone who still loved glorious sights. She peered out the balcony from her stool, as she sipped on cheap cocoa. For some reason she took an interest in me. One day I asked her why, and she responded with, “it was because of the way you were sitting on the edge of the railing, whilst the grandmas and servers playfully scolded you. When I came to approach you, I asked for your name, but instead you replied with the words, “many often mistake my name for the words masochist, free loader, or shut in.”” I didn’t understand the sincerity behind her statement, and I passed it off as a joke. We were never intimate or anything; we were just good friends. She reminded me a lot of a childhood acquaintance I once knew, so I took a liking to her. She told that me that she’d always be there for me whenever I needed help. For a long time, I greatly appreciated the sentiment and the help that followed. Her statement was a lie though. She died of a premature death, and life was once more bitter.
It’s saddening that anything good requires an experience mutually shared between two or more people. The conscious effort is to rectify our biological drive, but I don’t want to do any of that. I’m tired of thinking, and I’m tired of blurring the lines. I think… that the answer lies somewhere in the present.
Yeah… there must be some universal truth behind the universe.
Well… if logic is utilized by everyone, then logic must’ve been used by those around me to derive some meaning or else they wouldn’t have-
Perhaps you’re just too stubborn to submit yourself to the chaotic yet joyful nature of reality.
Joyful? How could I ever wish to live a joyful life if my subconscious simply won’t allow it?
Whose fault is that?
I don’t think that matters anymore.
It’s just too vague of a question, so it has too many answers.
It’s so monotonous. Asking yourself simple questions that are just too vague.
Shut up. Shut up!
The whole basis of life is ridiculous! Having to go about in search for lasting relief! It’s all just so we can experience longevity! It’s so our subconscious will stop pestering us to survive, die, or evolve! How can anyone justify or talk of something, if nothing is certain!
…. Yeah…. why…?
With knees on the ground, my eyes constantly darted from one place to the next. Wall, bed, night stand, lamp, desk, door, fan, water bottle, drawer. I didn’t want to focus on anything, and I especially didn’t want to have to look at what was right in front of me. It was too late though. The sensation of touch against the handle brought back my attention. The frustration was enough to make me scream.
My emotions were a complete and utter mess; all I knew was that the feeling was sickening. My body was shaking, and each sudden swerve or subconscious movement was followed by the small jingle of my muscles. I finally stopped hesitating, and I look down. In my right hand was a small clutter of exactly six bullets, each of which had a word written on them. The first word was “I’m.” The last word was “selfish.” It was my final testimony, “I’m sorry, for I’m too selfish.”
…. In my left hand was a revolver…
I’m not sure why, but out of the whole mess of emotions I began to feel rage. Perhaps it was because it acted as a driving force for me, when I loaded the gun. Death was creeping on my front door, and I kept blurting out final words. It was just an amalgamated mess of tangled sentences stating my regrets.
Upon listing regrets, I began to vividly remember too much of the past. It served as a cold reminder, the final driving force. My hands now faced the skies as if I were praying, yet my hoisted pointer fingers were the odd ones out. At a certain point my migraines started to kick in, and I had begun to lose the sensation of touch. The physical aspect of my pain was slowly fading, along with the mental. I still shook heavily though. The shaking allowed my fingers to move with little effort, and then I was gone…
Chapter 2: Querida.
(Nothing begins nor ends without movement, although sometimes the movement of time swerves to create nothing more than a loop).
Is this death?... No, this is too familiar of a sensation. I’m still alive, in some aspect. I still think, but I’m not sure if I’m breathing. Where is this? What is this? Why can’t I just be allowed to sleep… why won’t you allow me to just rest in peace…. Querida.
I felt my body bathing in the heat of something warm, whilst movement went about on my forehead. Although my pupils were hidden behind my eyelids, they still detected a presence. I skooched a little to assure myself that I was still alive. Upon doing so, I felt the gentle touch of cotton against my back. I was now able to tell that I had been sitting. The air before me had been propelled by a great force, and a breeze struck my face. It was a serene moment, and I didn’t want to ruin it by moving. The sensation of serenity blanketed my entire body. My mind was blank, but it grew slightly restless as time passed. To alleviate the restlessness, I opened my eyes, hoping that the sensation wouldn’t fade away upon doing so.
To my surprise I was at the place I had once loved the most. The night sky presented itself in the café once more, to my viewing pleasure. The green, purple, orange, white, blue, and red lights had begun to dance as the tears manipulated my sight.
Why am I feeling nostalgic? Why here and now, of all times?
I had slowly learned the reason I was crying. As I shifted my right hand to wipe the tears off, I suddenly realized that it had been resting upon something or someone. The heat I was bathing in had belonged to a person. We sat side by side peering out onto the view in golden silence. The entirety of her body remained slightly visible in the city lights, so long as she remained stationary within her chair. I was honestly dumbfounded and my arm fell back onto her.
How ironic… an atheist got to go to heaven. I finally get to rest… no need for goodbyes or hellos, let’s just stay like this for the eternity of time.
“I agree with you,” She said as her lips formed a slight smile. “I wholeheartedly agree with you.”
“Heh… ha… w-what… Is…” I don’t know why I was stuttering, perhaps it was because I was shocked by how she suddenly talked out of the blue, in order to reply to my own personal thoughts.
“No, I can’t read your thoughts, and yes, I’m real. Heh, you’re just as predictable as always.” She replied with a hint of satisfaction beneath her words. “I’m still not quite sure where we are, but it sure is nice.”
“Y-yeah.” I hesitantly said. I guess I was talking weirdly, because after I responded she immediately glanced at my face.
I suppose there was a shred of grief in my reply, due to the way I was talking. I wasn’t anxious or sad, but I was just overwhelmed and relieved. She saw that after mistakenly and initially viewing the tears that still steadily flowed. She gave a sincere look on her face that said, “I know, I know, it’s been too long.” It took me a short while to stop the flow of tears, but I eventually collected myself.
“Relax, we may be dead, but we’re still alive now, aren’t we?” She asked her rhetorical question after taking a brief moment to look at my face. There was now a somewhat awkward silence, until she broke the quite once more. “I know why you’re here Kaiser.”
“Well I’m an atheist so I’m surprised that I-“
“No, I mean that I know why you’re here.” She said after quickly interrupting me, this time with a darker undertone. At first, I didn’t understand, until I realized that she was hinting at my earlier episode concerning the revolver.
“I-I’m really- “
“No need to apologize.” She interrupted me again. “I realize now how selfish I had been as well.”
She was obviously hinting at something, but this time I didn’t quite catch her drift. She continued though.
“I did it so that you could live… But I didn’t realize that living requires more than just yourself. In a way… I kind of abandoned you and indirectly killed you. So… that’s why I don’t blame you, especially with all that you’ve gone through.” She said with a hint of pretense, as her voice began to break. “I just… wanted you to know that.”
Why are you blaming yourself… please… just stop it.
In a futile effort to lighten the atmosphere, I began to laugh. For some odd reason the reality of me dying had struck me whilst laughing, eventually each chuckle became more and more sincere as I began to realize how uncanny the reality of the situation was.
“Why…why are laughing at me?” She asked with a worried expression on her face.
“Eh? No, no, no it’s just that… it’s ironic.” She still didn’t quite understand what was so comical about her words, so I went into further detail. “It’s just that… you blame yourself for my death, but this just be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.”
She finally understood and let out a small chuckle. “Only a person like you would say such an uncanny thing.”
We sat it golden silence once more, to take in the nostalgic view. My mind was blocking out all other noise and thoughts as I my appreciation for this moment began to grow. Towers blanketed the skies, as they nestled along the river. The waters moved under the bright white of street lamps. To my right were the concrete roads that hovered over the ground, to forever yield hundreds upon hundreds of automobiles. They shone vivid hues of red and orange, to create a steadily flowing stream of dancing lights.
Once more the view of city lights became a sweet sight for sore eyes “Kaiser.” She said without shifting her eyes from the view.
“Yes.” I replied.
“It just seems like you’re back to your fluffy self again, as if your depression has just faded away.” She said.
“Perhaps it’s because I’m now reliving the past, the past where things weren’t so bitter.” I said whole heartedly. “I think… that I’m no longer able to feel something that belonged to the present.”
“Do you… still hate life?” She asked reluctantly.
“How can I?” I quickly replied.
Although it is true that I was miserable just a moment ago, but that is now buried in the past.
“And… um… do you blame me?”
“In all honesty, I blamed myself. I hated myself. I hated having to learn the basics of living all over again, so I just stopped. I think… I think that what I did earlier set something into motion. I’m still not quite sure what pain, darkness, or even reality is, but I know what I loved and wanted. So how can I blame anything or anyone with the little information I’m going off of. Although I knew for certain what I loved, I can for sure say that this happiness is genuine. Since that is the case, to hell with misery.” I half yelled, as to get my point across.
She replied with a monosyllable as to confirm that she understood what I was trying to say. Although it was just a monosyllable I could tell that it was more than that, as to tell me that my answer was correct and that there was no longer any need for questions or answers.
That’s right… at that moment there was no need for questions and answers. It was foolish of us to even ask in the first place. It was foolish of us to dwindle more time on the unnecessary, when the time was there for us alone, not for us to discuss matters of ethos or blame. Although… how could I done that… how could I have wished to achieve anything?
Chapter 3: Pathos
I had awoken a second time… this time, to reality. With my back resting on the floor, I saw another familiar sight, the one I had woken up to every day, my ceiling. Apparently I was too nervous to actually tell what I was doing, since there was a gaping hole on the ceiling fan. When I tried looking downwards, my view was distorted yet again by tears. I had wiped them away. As I began to move my arm my sense of touch was restored, and I felt the warmth of my right hand. As if it had been held by someone.
Damn it…. Damn it all… why’d you have to do this to me a second time.
Reality had been too cruel to me. I was still a child, trapped within the boundaries of the world. It was infuriating, purely frustrating. As a child, I cried once more. It was my futile attempt to tell the world of just how cruel it truly is. I let the waterworks flow as I tried to focus on my hand. I tried to remember the heat it felt. I tried remembering what it had touched. And I especially tried to remember the face of the woman whom the hand had rested upon. I couldn’t bear myself to do any of that though…
Hours and perhaps even days had passed. I wasn’t sure if I was hungry and/or dehydrated, despite knowing that I hadn’t eaten or drank anything for the entirety of that episode. I spent much time lying on the floor, with nothing on my mind. I hadn’t had the urge or even the will to get up. I had just given up wholeheartedly on both living and dying, so I settled for what was in-between the two. Stationary and monotonous existence.
It wasn’t until somewhere during the night that I felt a sudden impulse. I knew what it meant all too well. It was the type of impulse that created a pure flash of emotions. Adrenaline, rage, and despair would amalgamate into one, to subconsciously yet consciously push me past my breaking point. I felt it after episodes of great frustration or long periods of depression. I had tried ignoring it, but doing so only made it worse. I just wanted to get be rid of any responsibilities and demands, so I succumbed. I urgently left my apartment, and I just ran. Other times I’d just stare at something for hours whilst thoughts consumed my every being. Sometimes I’d throw my body against random objects, in order to alleviate the rage and remind myself that I’m still on Earth, via the sensation of touch and pain. Other times I’d just act out of pure and fearsome impulse, and this was one of those times. My body just ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. I eventually crashed though. But just when I had thought that I was done, I immediately began to scream and beat the ground with all my limbs and might. I crashed once more and had just fallen onto the grass. I resisted sleep, for I didn’t want to go back to the small café at who knows where.
When it came to the matter of sleep, I didn’t have much of a choice to begin with. As I had predicted, it brought nothing but more despair.
Chapter 4: Totality
Why can’t I just… fall asleep. Even in my slumber, I can still feel. Please stop this… just let me rest already. Haven’t I been through enough already?
I was asleep yet conscious at the same time. This was different from when I was sitting in that small café. There was nothing peaceful about this. I felt as if I were drifting in deep murky waters. It was cold, and I could tell that I really wasn’t breathing.
Am I actually drowning?
Once more I felt the small sensation of touch on my right hand, and I was quite sure that it was touching something foreign. Out of curiosity, I tried opening my eyelids but nothing moved. This time there’d be no glistening light nor feelings of familiarity. No grand spectacles of man nor of the universe. It was just a void, a true and total epidome of emptiness. Along with emptiness was absence. Absence of love, light, hope, happiness, joy, and especially…. Air… Figurative walls of my own imaging began closing in onto me. Everything was absent, yet my conscious was still allowed to exist. It was sickening, distasteful, disgusting, and suffocating. I suddenly couldn’t handle it anymore. I could no longer handle the reality of any situation. My mind drifted, and I was just along for the ride.
Why is this happening to me? What’s going on? Where are you? Why aren’t you here with me? Why must you abandon me again? Please, please, please stop this. Please, please, please don’t do this to me again. Don’t abandon me. Don’t kill me. Don’t hurt me. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop making me think. Stop playing with me. Stop having me do this. Stop this pain. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME. PLEASE DON’T ABANDON ME. PLEASE LET ME LIVE. PLEASE STOP THE REGRET I FEEL. PLEASE STOP THE LONESOME NIGHTS. PLEASE STOP THE PAST.PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY. PLEASE STOP THE PAIN. IT WAS YOUR FAULT. I WAS JUST A KID. I WAS JUST A KID. I WAS JUST A KID. I WAS JUST A KID. I JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I JUST WANTED TO LOVE AND LIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I JUST WANTED TO EXIST. I’M NOT SELFISH. PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT I TAKE TOO MUCH, WHEN I CARE SO LITTLE. PLEASE STOP JUDGING ME, I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. JUST LET ME BE LIKE YOU. JUST LET ME LIVE WITH YOU. JUST LET ME SEE YOU. I’M NOT CRAZY. I’M CRAZY. I’M NOT CRAZY. 1’N N0T CR4ZY. 1’N M0T CR4Zi. 1’N v0t Cr4ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I had awoken a second time. In my right hand was something cold, inanimate, stationary, and lifeless… it was house keys. Everything was becoming too uncanny. On a subconscious level I knew what was going on, but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that I’d miss a shot at such a close range. I didn’t want to believe that I returned home, after I had run out with nothing but my boxers and shirt. I didn’t want to believe that the universe was pulling me back here. So, in order to cope with reality, I kept coming up with falsified explanations.
I must’ve not been aiming at all, on the account of how on edge I was. I must’ve just blacked out from all the emotion, upon hearing the loud noise of the gun.
I must’ve had my door unlocked, when I left. I probably had just walked back home, half-asleep. Yea. Yea… Y-Yea… no… no… no. no. no. no. no.
I was still unsure of anything, expect for the fact that it was too much. Everything was just too much. I couldn’t bear such uncanny situations, especially at a time like this. It was just too much for me to handle, so I broke. I finally broke. I don’t what I felt or thought at that point in time, perhaps I was just desperate.
I tried electrocution, but when I entered the plug my electricity was cut. Apparently, I ignored my bills for far too long, although there was no longer any need to worry about bills. What concerned me though is that the notification taped on my door stated that I was cut off after sixty days of not paying. I stopped paying on day forty, which is when I had the episode with the revolver. I suddenly realized that I was laying on the floor for almost a month.
I hadn’t missed that shot, and I died from neglect. I was just trapped. It was futile… no matter what, I’d end up in the same place. My bedroom was now a painful sight, yet I always kept returning there somehow. The world wanted me alive, yet I wanted to play no part in this world.
Chapter 5: Demiurge.
I was miserable. I was starving. I was crazy. I was fanatic. I was desperate. I was helpless. I was unappreciated. I was unloved. I was tired. I was something that not even derogatory terms or adjectives could ever fully say. The only thing I had left to cling onto was the memory of the one who made me smile, yet she was fading from my mind. I had spent so much time remembering the details of her face and reminiscing of our days together. Yet I could only remember small snippets and details about her. I was truly defeated.
Why can’t I remember? I thought I saw you as someone special, although I suppose my mind just didn’t see it that way… Why is this happening to me? Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn it all! Damn it all!
Countless hours were spent trying to conjure up even the smallest things about her, yet it was all futile. I had an eternity to live, yet I could no longer spend a moment of it in bliss. I had all the time in world, so I spent all the time in the world. Perhaps it was weeks or months or maybe even years, but I spent a great deal of time trying. One day, for some reason, I decided to look out window. I spent so much time and effort in order to obtain this place. I thought that going somewhere where I was once happy would make me happy forever. I was a fool. I still am a fool. For hoping that a city could change me… for hoping that a view of city would bring back even a glimpse of the one I loved.
That’s when I remembered something… she liked views like these and so did I. Perhaps I lost my sense of wonder, when I lost my capacity to look at city lights. I tried thinking of all the places I had visited. All the sights I had seen. Even though I was always alone on my travels, I was still happy, yet it was short lived. Because anything good comes from something that is mutually experienced by two or more people. But at point in my life, I did experience those mutual felt emotions with one person. I was overjoyed. I was alive. That day I was able to remember practically everything. Perhaps I only saw small snippets and savored them for a long while, in a desperate attempt to escape my reality. All I know is that I was overwhelmed that day. I felt alive once more, even if it was for a short while…
^&**(, ((&&*&(*, @#$%^&*, !$*$^&*, (*&^%, (*&^%$%^&*(, &^%$%^&*&^%, *&^%$, #$%^&, #$%^&, $%^&*&^%, (*&^%$, #$%^%$#, &^%$#$, #$%^&*&^%$, $%^&*(*&^, and )(*&^%$ I had remembered all those places and names, each of which I had a special memory associated with it. I had remembered enough to pull me through a single day. For the first time in a long time, I fell asleep, and I remained asleep. This time it was without fear or bitterness, it was just a pure and innocent slumber.
I… I feel warmth… I can sense a presence… have I just been in purgatory this entire time? Heh… If so, then god is crueler than I had though…
My eyelids remained shut, and I knew that they were shut. Yet I saw something. I was dreaming of, no, I was reliving a memory of *&^$# and there I saw a peculiar person. It was of her… she had a thick sweater, long pants, and a pair of flip-flops. The vibrant colors of her clothing would shift as we continued to walk along the edge of the water. Perhaps she was wearing all white and her clothes reflected the brightness of the streets, vendors, and lamps. It didn’t matter though. All that mattered is that I was able to spend one more night a bliss. I just stared at her figure of the entirety of that dreamt up evening. For once I could see her face, and I spent every moment remembering the details once more. Her black hair. Her %$#@^ eyes. Her %$#@ and *&@%^ nose. Her $#%^&*(# lips and %$^& brows. I remembered it all, and I saw it all. It wasn’t (was) a futile attempt. I could (couldn’t) see my life set into motion once more. I wasn’t (was) alone.
We didn’t conversate. The silence was golden. The sand was golden. The light was golden. The water was golden. The final glimmer of the sun was golden. Her *&^ skin was golden. Everything was glorious. It was pure. It was… nice.
We did exchange plenty of glances, monosyllables, and short sentences though, as if we held a silent conversation of our own. I’m not sure if our “talking” was a continuation of that sitting in the café, or if it was just a “conversation” in general. It was a playful banter of sorts, that only we could understand.
The night continued on, and we continued to walk side by side. Hours must’ve passed, wherever we were, since it felt like a had spent an eternity walking. We eventually reached concrete though. To our left was a horizontal structure that reach out into the water. Slowly creeping down it, we eventually reached a bench located at the end. I sat and she sat.
Over the horizon was the vast and endless waters. We peered out onto the sight, as it became more and more visible in the rising sun. The gas star partially illuminated the vast horizon, as the soft red rays began to scrape the surface of the water. The sun was currently nothing more than a soft velvet line that expended beyond the reached of the Earth, waiting to take its spherical form again.
I had once more bathed in the heat of this warm dream. There was a physical warmth, yet there was an emotional one as well. A type of warmth that could never be fully explained in literature, for nobody could ever hope to replicate it. The sun was starting to peak inch by inch, to take back its original and proper form. The sun wasn’t necessary for today though, for I was already feeling quite toasty. The velvet line slowly grew brighter and brighter into an orange hue as the tip of the sphere began to form. When we saw the orange of the sun, the soft red that had scraped the water became a vibrant reddish orange with white. Soon, the rays no longer scraped the water but rather they began to dance with the whole movement of the sea. Everything was becoming brighter and brighter and then suddenly, a great burst of wind hit us. It was strong enough to even push back the skin on my face, and it didn’t stop. Eventually the vibrant colors were substituted with dull gray. I turned to look at $#%^& for comfort, but her face and even her figure became a blur in the great winds. I tried reaching for her with my hand, but that’s when she interrupted me by saying, “I’m sorry.”
Amongst the noise of the wind, her voice was completely audible and they struck me with despair.
“No damn it! $#%^& don’t do this a third time! Not again! Not again!” I screamed, but I barely made any noise, for not even I could hear myself.
The wind didn’t let up, yet $#%^& was still in sight. I kept calling and reaching out, yet nothing worked. Once my I was limited to the boundaries of some cruel matrix. All I could now see was her petite figure and the outlines of her clothing.
“Kaiser,” She had said my name out the blue, yet what was shocking is that her words were still audible amongst the chaos.
I tired my hardest to respond, yet nothing got through. Eventually she replied in recognition of this, “I think I run to avoid hurting you.”
I had awoken another time in my accused bedroom, yet this time it wasn’t was lonesome as always.
“Kaiser,” the familiar voice next to me said.
“Yea- “I saw the figure of the I had willingly despaired over, yet I only saw that, her figure. She had her hand on my back, and I suddenly realized that we were sitting on my bed. I couldn’t tell if I should’ve been happy, overwhelmed, sad, or teary eyed. All I knew is that I had to something out there.
“$#%^& thank you… thank you… thank you… thank you… you haven’t abandoned me… you’re still- “I could no longer continue, for my emotions had taken over. I knew now what I was feeling, happiness.
“Kaiser,” the familiar voice said once more, “you were my biggest mistake.”
Once more the world had shot me down.
“Kaiser,” the voice had said. The voice capable of making or destroying me. The voice capable of saving or endangering me, “Kaiser, it’s finally high time that I’ve finally gotten to meet you.”
I was confused. Purely and utterly confused.
“Kaiser… it’s time to wake up.” The familiar voice said. When I had looked up, I no longer saw the figure of woman nor man. It was a great darkness that outlined a human being, and its hand continued to lay on my back.
My expression quickly changed.
Should I be relieved that it wasn’t really her? Was she even real? Is any of this real?
My mind kept racing and racing and racing, until… I finally blacked out.
Chapter 6: Admission
“Why does someone so desensitized the idea of death have so much fear in his heart?” The much too recognizable voice had said, “Is it so much easier to just agonize every day, rather then making something of yourself. Besides, people like her are all too common, your relations could easily be re-established.”
“Shut up,” I thought to myself, “How could I be cruel enough to drag another one into my problems. It’s easier to agonize, because that way nobody else gets hurt.”
“Yet you still crave relations, although it’s only human.”
A long silence sulked over my head. There I was, sitting on the edge of my bed, but this time I was visited with the epitome of my madness. It was an old childhood friend of mine, one that had existence the day I began to lose faith in myself. After spending so much time pondering and overthinking, conjuring up questions became automatic. It’d happen outside of my own volition, and I would always be successfully provoking into answering them to remind myself of the guilt and loneliness that permeates within me. Sometimes I’d give this subconscious version of myself a form. I give it all of my mannerisms and looks, yet it had a different mind of its own. It was an imaginary friend of mine that I can’t stop visiting.
“You’ve been ignoring me a lot lately. Not feeling well Kaiser?”
I didn’t respond, nor did I want to respond. This time I kept to myself, and I just stared blankly at the ceiling.
“Don’t test me,” It said angrily.
I just kept ignoring him, until my subconscious gave in. In front of me was the upper half of my body, disrupting my view of the eggshell white ceiling. His black hair. His %$#@^ eyes. His %$#@ and *&@%^ nose. His $#%^&* lips and %$^& brows. I remembered it all, and I hated it all.
“I’ve been keeping you company all this time, yet you still ignore me.”
My mind kept abusing me, and it started to occur. My right ear, it was being violated. The whisper. The voice. The messages. It always haunted me. How the demon in my right ear would say single worded messages, upon time of normality or fear. I hated it. I hated how every word was muttered. I hated the sensation it left intact with its short messages. I hated the irritation of my ear upon its visitation. I hated all of this.
“Ga- just leave me alone!” I screamed. My hand covered my ear, and my eyes were closed. It was no use though, for they had existed within myself. So, in a futile attempt, I screamed, “Just leave me alone!”
And they did… For only a short while though. Suddenly, I had felt the touch of a human hand. Its fingers wrapped around my neck and tightened itself. Was this my own hand? Had this arisen from my old childhood habit? The feeling is familiar… I was being chocked, yet I didn’t care, for the feeling was all too familiar. When I was about to cave in, I finally opened my eyes. In front of me was the same person, proceeding with his usual threats and harm. This time it was different though. For my image had only caused directly caused me mental harm, never physical.
This was it. The pain in my chest was unbearable as my body started to cave in from the lack of oxygen. My head was stuffed with pressure, and my neck was feeling sore. Just when I was about to pass out, the fingers started to loosen, and I began to breathe.
Panting like a dog, I looked once more at what was in front of me. This time, we were both sitting, yet the image of me sat on the floor with his glasses reflecting my red face.
“I think that it has been long enough, wouldn’t you agree?” He asked me with a nonchalant expression on his face.
Still panting, I responded whilst gasping out a sum of air, “obviously.”
“You’re right Kaiser. It is obvious that we’ve been spending too much time together.