Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
It was a beautiful morning in the town of Dransen, the townspeople were just beginning to emerge from their houses. Some started their journey to work, while others began the cleaning of their homes, sweeping the dirt out and shaking out the sheets. In a short time the hustle and bustle on the streets began, the sounds of walking and talking creating a resonating hum through the air.
With a yawn, Dwight pushed herself off her small lumpy cot. She stretched out her limbs, her joints popping and cracking like logs on a fire. Dwight then moved across her apartment grabbing a loaf of bread off the shelf in the corner. As she started to devour it, she moved to the mirror in the corner admiring her reflection. Dwight stood about 5’7”, she had short platinum white-colored hair that hung down just above her shoulders. Her eyes were a bright blue, contrasting with her hair. She nodded at her reflection, finishing off her breakfast, she shifted across the room to put her brown work boots on. Grabbing her grey trench coat off the coat rack, she quickly put it on, flipping her collar up. Dwight grabbed her toolbelt off the floor and strapped it around her waist, the clip snapping together with a satisfying click. She yawned again as she opened the door to the long hallway of her apartment complex. There were seven other rooms on her floor, but Dwight didn’t know any of the residents, nor did she particularly care to. Her body started on auto-pilot having walked to work almost every day for the past four years.
Dwight traveled down the stairs, out of the building, and onto the streets of Dransen. Folks of all different sorts dotted the street. There were gruff looking human men, heading to jobs that involved manual craft labor. Women also pushed through the crowd heading back to their homes from the market, or to craft jobs that weren’t so heavy in manual labor. Standing out from the crowd was the occasional noble, who had come down to the slums to visit the slave market. Demi-human slaves weren’t very common in these parts, as no one had the money to purchase or to provide for a slave. Dwight shivered, not wanting to think about such unpleasantries. Lost in thought she didn’t see the girl running towards her until it was too late. With a yelp and a thump, the two young women crashed into each other, knocking both of them to the ground. Dwight sat there stunned for a moment before quickly getting to her feet.
She moved over to the girl’s side, crouching down beside her, “You alright there Ms? You were traveling pretty fast, is everything all rig-.” Dwight was interrupted as a harsh voice sounded off from behind her.
“Hey, I found her! The pretty bitch fell down!” A lanky man began to approach the duo, as another larger man materialized out of the crowd.
“Looks like we’ve quite the catch here. I’m sure the boss will be over the moon about these two beauts’.” Dwight’s face contorted from a frown into a face of disgust. Both men were bald, and couldn’t have been over the age of twenty. They sported large black leather jackets, with gloves to match. If she were to guess, they were most likely illegal slave traders.
“In your dreams…” Dwight replied firmly. The girl beside her gasped, and the two men began to laugh.
“Ya hear that. The little bitty girl’s acting all tough.” Sneered the lanky man, he reached out and ruffled Dwight’s hair, “I do so enjoy breaking in merchandise like you.” He whispered in her ear. She shivered and goosebumps spread across her body. The man started to cackle as he grabbed her hair, aggressively pulling Dwight into his arms.
Dwight started to kick and punch, attempting to break free of the thug’s hold. The larger man picked the still stunned girl, off the ground, throwing her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. A small crowd had gathered around them, but no one had dared interfere. Most people walked right past, not giving a second thought. It was much easier to ignore than to get wrapped up in something potentially dangerous. Just as Dwight was about to let loose an ear-piercing scream for help before an all too familiar voice was heard.
“Oy, what are ye doin’ with those two girls?” The voice questioned, sounding very agitated.
“We’re takin' them with us. Is that a problem old man?” The lanky man forcibly turning Dwight’s body to face in front of him.
“Aye, it is, in fact, yer holdin’ onto the hair of one of my employees. Not to mention your roughin’ up two youngins’.” Dwight grimaced as the man’s grip on her tightened. She forced herself to wave at her boss. Her savior, Mr. Cranell, was a stout older fellow, with short grey hair and a long grey beard to match. His eyes were a bright amber color but had faded to a pale yellow in his old age. He wore black overalls with a white undershirt and sported large brown boots. Mr. Cranell took a step towards the men, balling both of his fists and holding them in front of him in a readied position.
“If it’s a fight ye’ want it’s a fight you’ll get.” The larger of the two men dropped the girl he was carrying to the ground. She let out a squeal, and rolled over, clutching her side. Reaching into his pocket the giant man pulled out a bowie knife and took a stab at Cranell.
The elderly man, however, was too quick, he was propelled backward five feet, something a normal human wouldn’t have been able to do. The two younger men gasped, and Mr. Cranell started to chuckle, “Ye like that ladie?” He lifted his pant leg revealing a bronze-colored exoskeleton attached to his body, “Made this beauty myself…. Never underestimate an opponent. Age is nothin’ but a number. . .” With a full-body lean Cranell shot forward, his fist slamming into the larger man, knocking him flat on his back. The thug wheezed as all the air was forced out of his lungs, causing him to clutch his chest and groan.
Dwight felt the man holding her begin to shake. Whether it was out of fear or anger she didn’t know. With one swift motion, Dwight’s legs were taken out from under, she fell onto the road with a huff a loud cracking noise was heard as she watched her wrist twist in a way it wasn’t supposed too, “Enough shit, take this old man!” The lanky ruffian drew a switchblade from his coat and bolted towards Cranell. Dwight’s vision became blurry as she glanced between her wrist and the fight in front of her. The would-be attacker didn’t make contact, as Cranell sidestepped, the younger man face planting into the cobbled road.
The lanky man quickly pushed himself onto his knees turning to face the old man. Blood seeped from out of his nose as something cold was pressed against his forehead. Cranell had pulled an Aurapistol out and had it cocked and ready to fire, “W-Wh-Wait man we can t-talk this out….” Realization spread across the man’s face as he begged for his life.
There was a bright flash of yellow light and a deafening boom. It took a moment for Dwight’s eyes to adjust, but when they did she was greeted with a ghastly sight. The lanky man lay sprawled out on the ground, a tiny hole in the middle of his forehead. There was no blood since the wound was instantly cauterized by the mana laser. Cranell shook his head, as he holstered the pistol. He moved over to Dwight and gingerly picked her up off the ground, “You alright ther’ lass?” Cranell asked, concern prevalent in his voice. He studied her wrist drawing in a sharp breath as he noticed the bone sticking out the side.
Dwight grimaced as she clutched the arm with the broken wrist, “I’ll live, but I should probably get this mended.” She glanced over at the other girl and huffed, “Mr. Cranell, could you help that other girl out, she seems to be in pain.” Every few words Dwight would stutter as she sucked in a breath, trying to power through the pain resonating through her arm.
The old man nodded and waddled over to the woman. She was dressed in a fancy pink dress that had been embroidered with gold around the edges. This surely marked her of noble birth. He helped the young lady to her feet, careful not to crease or tear her dress. She smiled at him softly, her bright pink eyes shimmering in the sun, “Thank you for that, there’s no telling what kind of brutish things those men would have done to us if you hadn’t interfered.”
The young woman reached out to put a sincere hand on Cranells shoulder. The old man began to chuckle awkwardly, his eyes darting between her hand and the woman’s eyes, “It’s not a problem lass. Can’t stand those damn slavers.” He shook his head again, watching as the noble girl moved over to Dwight.
“My apologies for running into you like that. It was never my intention to drag anyone into that mess.” She frowned at the sight of Dwight’s wrist, “And look, now you’re injured,” The noblewoman clicked her tongue, “Let me heal that for you, it’s the least I can do.” She reached out her hands, and a soft pink light began to seep out of them. The young girl’s eyes changed from pink to gold, as she methodically moved her hands, whispering something under her breath all the while.
Dwight’s wrist began to tingle, and she watched as slowly the bone retreated into her skin, the wound closing itself. There was another bright flash of yellow and a boom, as Cranell fired his pistol on the larger man. Neither of the girls bothered to look over, not wanting to see another body today. The pain receded, and she flexed her hand, as the pink light dissipated, “Th-Thank you, that would’ve taken months to heal.” Dwight grinned at the woman as the girl’s eyes changed back to their usual pink.
“It’s no problem.” She paused, letting out a deep sigh, “I hope you’ll excuse my rudeness, my name is Evangaline.” The woman bowed her head, “Again I do hope you’ll forgive me for causing you injury.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Dwight waved her hand, before holding it out for Evangaline, “The name’s Dwight, it’s a pleasure Ms. Evangaline.” The noble girl’s hand was silky smooth, having not seen a day of hard labor in its life. Dwight marveled at Evangaline’s perfect pink colored fingernails, her jaw-dropping open for a moment.
She was ripped from her thoughts, however, as Mr. Cranell put a hand on Dwight’s lower back, “Ye need to get to work, yer late as is.” He winked at Evangaline as he finished.
Dwight nodded turning to start walking towards the shop. “I’ll be on my way then.” She waved to Evangaline and began to walk away, before pausing when she heard the young woman ask.
“What sort of business do you own Mr. Cranell?” Evangaline, asked as she studied her dressmaking sure it hadn’t been torn.
“Oh! My wife and I are aurasmiths by trade. Dwight is Mrs. Cranell’s apprentice.” He gestured his hand in the girl’s direction.
“Well, perhaps I’ll follow you two back? I haven’t ever been in an aurasmithy and would like to at least attempt to pay you back for your kindness.” Evangaline smiled, moving past the elderly man to follow Dwight.
Mr. Cranell watched her pass, shrugging as he started after the girls.
After a short walk, they arrived at Cranell’s Aurasmithy. Pushing open the door to the small workshop, the party was greeted with the sound of wiring machinery, and the pungent smell of oil and steel. Dwight inhaled deeply having grown fond of the smell after her many years working in the shop. Evangaline on the other hand, had to hide a gag, quickly moving a hand up to block her mouth from view. Sitting behind the counter was a tall and skinny older woman wearing an eyepatch. She had short gray hair in a pixie cut, with rough, tanned leathery skin. Her remaining eye was bright purple and shimmered as if it was glowing all on its own. She was dressed in a white collared shirt and skinny black dress pants. The woman slowly looked up from her work as they entered, smiling when she noticed Dwight and Mr. Cranell while cocking an eyebrow in Evangaline’s direction. “She a customer?” The question being posed to Mr. Cranell.
“She’s here to browse. . .” The short man waddled behind the counter, hopping up on a stool next to his wife. “The young lass was being chased by slavers, from the Coal Tar gang.” Mr. Cranell reached under the counter, pulling out a chalkboard. Two names were drawn, each having a dozen or so tally marks under it. He added two more tallies under his name, placing the board to the side. “That’s two more for me, you’re behind one now.” Mr. Cranell chuckled, jabbing her in the side with his elbow.
“I thought their boss said they were through bothering Dransen? Seems we might have to pay him a visit soon.” She smiled at her husband, continuing to tinker with the item in front of her.
Dwight stood there awkwardly through the exchange, idly watching Evangaline browse the many weapons and other gizmos displayed around the store. She let out a huff as she too made her way behind the counter to take a seat on the other side of Mrs. Cranell. “Perhaps you shouldn’t discuss your exploits while there is a noble in the store.” Dwight snatched the piece from Mrs. Cranell and started to tinker on it herself.
“Why? Doesn’t seem like it’s bothering her.” Dwight glared at the older woman momentarily. “What? Is she a friend of yours? Jeez, kid, I didn’t know you knew how to make friends.” Mrs. Cranell let out a hearty chuckle, wincing slightly when Dwight punched her shoulder.
The atmosphere fell silent, as the three aurasmith began to work on their respective projects. The store was well lit, with many hanging lamps lazily dangling from the ceiling. A large counter split the shop in two, on the front side of the counter were many shelves and display cases. The Cranell’s aurasmithy specialized in weaponry, and so all sorts of aura-weapons were being advertised. Things such as swords, knives, and any gun one could imagine. On the other side of the counter was a backroom full of parts and raw materials. Boxes were scattered about, full of junk and scrap pieces.
Evangaline approached the counter peering over it to stare at the piece Dwight was working on. It was a silvenium slave collar, and she was currently fiddling with the locking mechanism. Dwight glanced up noticing the young woman’s stare, she awkwardly shifted in her chair. “Can I help you?” She asked coldly, her hands coming to a stop. The Cranell’s were each focused on their work, and neither reacted to Dwight’s rudeness.
“N-No, no, just curious as to what you were working on. Your hands move with expert precision, how can you even see what you’re doing.” Dwight tapped her eyes which were glowing white rather than they’re normal blue. “Ah, I see, it’s your calling.” Evangaline nodded her head a few times. “My calling is medicine and medical magic. I’m actually training to become a physician.” She continued. “Can you use magic, Ms. Dwight?”
Dwight shook her head yes, as she continued working on the lock. “In a sense. . . I can’t cast spells, but I’m able to do some fancy things with my calling.” She tapped the left side of her head, causing her left eye to change back to a blue color. Then from the eye, a hologram was projected, it was a 3D blueprint of the collar she was working on. “And I can take it apart.” Dwight focused and piece by piece the hologram was disassembled. “Only works on things that I’ve seen the blueprint for, or have deconstructed and memorized.” She tapped the side of her head again, causing the projection to sputter out.
Mrs. Cranell looked up from her work, watching Dwight’s display. She stared Evangaline down as she spoke. “She’s a prodigy, one day she’ll be better than me and my husband. Dwight has talent you find once in a generation.” Mrs. Cranell put a hand on Dwight’s head. “At the moment she’s a little too hot-headed for the business world, but give her a few years and I’m sure she’ll mellow out.” With her sales pitch done, she removed her hand from Dwight’s head and leaned back in her seat.
“It seems you’ve seen right through me Mrs. Cranell.” Evangaline awkwardly replied. “Do you perhaps have any pieces Dwight has worked on?” The older woman nodded and pulled out a large rifle from under the counter. Doing so caused Dwight to cringe, and focus on the collar harder. The gun was pushed across the counter to give Evangaline a better look. “It looks like a professionally made weapon. . .” The rifle was silver and bronze with blue mana gems running along the stock. Evangaline reached out to gingerly touch the weapon. Doing so caused the mana chamber to glow pink for a few moments, before sparking and spewing out smoke.
Dwight grit her teeth as she reached to take the weapon away. “It’s not finished…” She looked up at Mrs. Cranell. “I told you not to show it off, you’re lucky it didn’t explode.” The young aurasmith sighed, stashing the weapon under the counter.
Evangaline was waving her hand and coughing trying to disperse the smoke. “Well. . . It certainly is a beautiful weapon.” She smiled at Dwight, before turning her attention to Mrs. Cranell. “How much will it cost to temporarily hire your apprentice?” Evangaline took out a large coin purse and set it on the counter. “Please name a price.”
Mrs. Cranell raised an eyebrow, opening the purse, eye-widening as she let out a small gasp. “What was your name again, dear?”
“Evangaline Danalia Don Vanhal, firstborn of Augustus Thomas Don Vanhal the third.” She curtsied to the older woman, bowing her head in greeting.
“Ah. . . So you are a noble.” Mrs. Cranell looked the young girl up and down. “Why is the daughter of a Higher Noble in the Dransen slums? There are more. . . refined aurasmiths in the capital. Wouldn’t your family rather hire someone more qualified?”
Evangaline shook her head. “No, my father was quite insistent that I travel to Dransen to look for one. He didn’t specifically tell me to come to this store, but said I’d find what he was looking for.” She gestured to Dwight. “I’m sure he’ll be more than satisfied with her abilities.”
Mrs. Cranell nodded her head a few times. “One large silver coin a day. You can pay me now or whenever you return Dwight.” She glanced over at her apprentice who looked extremely uncomfortable being sold like merchandise. Especially for that much money, Coins in the kingdom of Skrilaria were divided into three categories, gold, silver, and bronze. In each category were three sub-categories, large, medium, and small. Bronze was used mostly to pay for food and other basic goods. Silver was used for larger items such as furniture, animals, or paying rent. Gold was mostly reserved for those of nobility or wealthy merchants. One small bronze coin was worth one Skrillium, one medium bronze coin was worth 10 Skrillium, and one large was 50 Skrillium. One small silver was 100 Skrillium, one medium silver was 200 Skrillium, and one large silver was 500 Skrillium. One small gold coin was worth 2000 Skrillium, one medium gold was worth 5000 Skrillium, and one large was worth 10,000 Skrillium. A craftsman would be lucky to earn two large gold coins over the course of his entire life. However, a merchant or an Aurasmith like the Cranell’s, would on average make one small gold coin a month.
“That price seems acceptable.” Evangaline took the purse and pulled out two small gold coins. “This should pay for eight days if we decide to keep her longer than that I’ll pay the rest when she returns.” Mrs. Cranell quickly took the coins, placing them in the register, she pulled out a large silver coin to hand to Dwight.
“Here’s your pay ahead of time since you’ll be gone. We’ll watch your apartment while you’re out, so no need to worry.” Dwight hesitantly grabbed the coin and pocketed it, before hopping out of her seat to walk to the other side of the counter. “Have a nice trip. . . And be safe, I’m aware this isn’t your first contract, but try to be level headed. . .” Mrs. Cranell leaned over the counter to whisper to Dwight. “Be careful around the nobles and don’t get yourself into trouble.” She sat back, nodding to her apprentice and turning back to her work.
Mr. Cranell finally looked up, a big smile on his face. “Knock em’ dead lass. Just make sure ye remember yer manners.”
Dwight crossed her arms, looking a little peeved about the whole situation. “I’m going to be fine, I’m not a child you know.” She moved towards the door letting out a ‘tsk’ noise. “I’ll see you all in a few days, don’t touch my rifle.” And with that she walked out the door, holding it open for Evangaline.
Evangaline bowed to the two older aurasmiths, before turning and making her way outside. The door shut behind her and she watched as Dwight stuffed her hands in her pockets. The noblewoman studied her for a moment, “Do you need to go back to your apartment to change and grab your things?”
It took a few moments before Dwight responded. “I don’t own any clothes except for what I’m wearing. Nor do I own anything other than what I’m already carrying on me.” She shrugged as if she was slightly annoyed by the question. Dwight looked down at her worn brown boots, ratty coat, and tool belt that was held together by duct-tape. Her shirt looked as if it hadn’t been washed in weeks. Because it hadn’t.
Evangaline’s face went from disgust to shock, to rest upon pity, “We’ll have to fix that. Come on follow me.” She grabbed Dwight’s wrist and started pulling her along, down the busy cobbled streets.
Dwight could only oblige, trying not to trip as she was being dragged along. It was late afternoon at this point, the sun was shining up above glittering, on the tin roofs of the town’s buildings. People watched in awe, as the frilly girl in the expensive pink dress, dragged behind her an average piece of trash from the slums. After half an hour or so of walking, they made it to the upper district in Dransen. Here everyone was dressed nicely, the men walked around with top hats, and gold studded coats. While the women wore colorful puffy dresses, their faces were covered in makeup, and their purses full of money. Some people gasped and whispered when Dwight passed, causing her to glare in return. They suddenly stopped in front of a shop, Dwight glanced up at the name reading it aloud, “Tanya Melcolt’s Clothier Store.”
Evangaline nodded, “Yep, I go here whenever I’m in town. Mrs. Melcolt is the best clothier around.” She then started to push Dwight towards the door.
Dwight dug her heels into the ground bringing the duo to a halt, “I don’t do puffy dresses and frilly girly things. I’d be happier with just washing what I have.” She sighed. “Plus, I don’t think I can afford a place as nice as this one.”
“Who said you were paying? The point of a tailor is that they make clothes to suit you.” Evangaline smirked, ushering Dwight up the stairs and into the shop. The smell of citrus filled the girl's noses as they entered the store. It was a rather large shop, with the interior being filled with clothes from floor to ceiling. There were dresses, frocks, and suits of all different colors. Dwight had never seen so many colors in her life. Her thoughts were interrupted by Evangaline shouting, “Mrs. Melcolt! Where are you?”
There was a yelp, and an older woman appeared from behind the counter. She had silver bleached hair, with hazel brown eyes. The clothier was wearing a large blue and black dress. She spotted the young noble and smiled, “Evangaline dear, so good to see you,” Mrs. Melcolt moved to put an affectionate hand the young girl’s shoulder, “And who might your… acquaintance be?” She looked Dwight up and down, it felt as if the older woman’s eyes were prying into her very soul.
Evangaline grinned, stepping back from the clothier, she moved over to her friend, “This is Dwight… I’ve contracted her to come work for me and my father.” Mrs. Melcolt’s eyebrow slowly raised, still looking disgusted that some scum had wandered into her shop, “She’s an Aurasmith.” Evangaline added.
This caused Mrs. Melcolt’s expression to immediately flip into a wide smile, “Well why didn’t you say so! I apologize for my rudeness, but we don’t just allow anyone in the store. An Aurasmith at such a young age, how impressive. You must be quite talented. ”
Dwight awkwardly chuckled, confused as to why being an Aurasmith had changed her social standing, “I don’t know about talented. . .” She was interrupted as Mrs. Melcolt came closer and began pulling and examining Dwight’s clothing.
“I’m assuming you’d like formal clothing for her?” She addressed Evangaline rather than Dwight.
“Yes, she’ll be needing since she’ll be meeting with my father.” Evangaline paused, adding. “It’ll need to be something she can work in as well.”
Mrs. Melcolt nodded, “Of course dear.” She then took out a measuring tape and started sizing Dwight. After finishing her measuring she began to peruse the many dresses picking out three different ones for Dwight to try on. One was a crimson color, with dark red frills. The second was a green dress with yellow frills. And the third was a plain-looking black dress, it looked as if it would hug her figure tightly. Dwight pointed at the black dress, and Mrs. Melcolt smiled.
“I see you have fine taste. This is the most expensive dress I pulled off the racks. Due to the fact it’s made from the wool of a Flameshep.” Mrs. Melcolt nodded, “It’s fireproof, so it could prove to be useful in your… line of work.” She held out the dress for Dwight to take, and pointed to a dressing room towards the back, “Why don’t you go try it on.”
Nodding, she took the dress from Mrs. Melcolt and made her way to the dressing room. Dwight stripped off her dirty clothes and put the dress on. She’d never worn something so fancy in her life. The young aurasmith shook her head, whatever, hopefully, this dress would last her a long while. There was no way she’d be able to afford to replace or repair it. She walked out from behind the dressing room curtain and paused to stand in front of the two other women.
Evangaline started beaming, smiling from ear to ear, “It looks marvelous Dwight.” Mrs. Melcolt nodded in agreement, moving around Dwight and looking at her from every angle imaginable. The dress was a snug fit but wasn’t too tight anywhere. The skirt that was attached to the dress ended just above her mid-thigh and wasn’t too frilly. Her cleavage was left fairly exposed, and a metal ring rested on her collarbone, holding the dress together. There was also a brown collar on the dress, which Dwight had flipped up.
“Are you satisfied Ms. Dwight?” The clothier asked, taking a step back. Dwight nodded in response, “Excellent, go ahead and take it off. I’ll make it a little looser… and your friend requested I put together a matching leather belt to go with it. Is that something you’d be interested in?”
“I suppose it would look odd if I was walking around in a fancy dress with a shabby belt. . .” Dwight turned and moved back into the changing room, to put her ‘street’ clothes back on.
While she was changing, Mrs. Melcolt walked behind the counter, and started putting together the belt, “You know, I think she was more excited about the belt than the dress.” She commented to Evangaline, chuckling and shaking her head.
“It would seem so…” Evangaline shrugged. Dwight then waltzed out of the dressing room and set the dress on the counter.
“Thank you, dear, it’ll be just a moment.” Mrs. Melcolt continued working, her eyes started to glow a bright yellow. Dwight looked between Evangaline and the clothier. It seemed that tailory was Mrs. Melcolt’s calling. A calling was what someone was preordained to be good at, normally people found out at their baptization. Some, like Dwight, figured it out beforehand. Finding your calling meant you could use the mana inside your body to help you with your job. Dwight’s father had had the same calling… but she’d never met her mother. She was a lower noble, with whom her father had had a fling. Dwight watched as Mrs. Melcolt worked at an inhuman speed.
Soon after, Mrs. Melcolt’s movements slowed to a stop, “Finished!” She piped up from across the room. The clothier then presented the dress and belt to Dwight. Taking the attire from the older woman, Dwight started to move to the dressing room, “Wait! Take these.” Mrs. Melcolt handed her a pair of black half-gloves and smiled. Dwight reluctantly took the gloves, before entering the changing room. After a few moments, she emerged. There was a gasp as Mrs. Melcolt murmured, “I’ve still got it!”
*Author's note- Dwight’s hair is about half the length of the reference image. She’s also not wearing the vambraces, nor the goggles. Other than that, it’s a perfect picture of her new attire.*
“It looks excellent Mrs. Melcolt.” Evangaline declared, clasping her hands together. “How much do I owe you for it?”
Mrs. Melcolt paused in thought for a moment, “How does twenty-five hundred Skrillium sound?” Evangaline nodded and took out one small gold coin and a large silver, handing them to the clothier, “A pleasure doing business with you both. I hope you enjoy your dress dear.” She curtsied to the both of them, as she moved behind the counter.
Evangaline looked up at the clock on the wall, “It’s half-past five, we can eat on the airship to Hallensburg.” She gestured for Dwight to follow, “Let’s head to the station, and see how long the wait for the next airship is.”
They both exited the shop, Dwight took a look around the streets. She was no longer being stared down, letting out a sigh of relief she turned to Evangaline. “I. . . appreciate the clothes.” Dwight nodded, staring down at her new belt.
“You’re quite welcome, I’m sure my father will be very pleased.” The noblewoman smiled back, gesturing for Dwight to follow her to the station.
Points:
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Original Text:
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Hey just starting with some spell check.
"He added two more tally’s to his side, placing the board to the side."
should be "two more tallies to his side". Also you could just say "next to his name" or "by his name" rather than using the word "side" twice.
Next up "I’m sure she’ll mellow out. With her sale’s pitch done, she removed her hand"
Should be " .... With her sales pitch done, .... "
Just a suggestion..... "She looked at Eva and smiled, “Evangaline dear, so good to see you,” Mrs. Melcolt" ..... you should switch the use of the names around into ......
"She looked at Evangaline and smiled, “Eva dear, so good to see you,” Mrs. Melcolt"
Next "There was no way she’d be able to afford to replace or repairing it."
Should be " ..........................................................................repair........"
Also
"Dwight turned and moved back into the dressing, to put her ‘street’ clothes back on." Should be
" .......... moved back into the dressing room, .............................. ."
or you could use " ............................... changing room ..........."
Review time:
Very nice character development, you can get a feel of the different personalities. Personally I would like the fight scene to be more graphic, perhaps depicting the spray of blood as on of the guys gets his face planted into the pavement by Mr. Cranell.
This is just from reading to many gory fantasy novels on my part lmao.....
I really like your spin on mana and sorcery however, it feels original.
One thing that you didn't go into for the setting of the story is the different smells. Not very serious but still, it helps create a more solid image of the surroundings for the reader.
I'll take a look at part two when I can! All in all it was a nice fantasy read.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for catching some more errors, I'll go back and fix those tonight. Originally Evangaline's name was going to be Eva, but I decided that was a little too plain for a noble girl. I tried to remove all mentions of Eva, though it seems I might have missed one or two. I appreciate the feedback and the awesome compliments!
Hello! It's time for a review.
My first impression of your story was that it was a very complex world that you seemed to have put a lot of effort into. I liked the story line so far and Dwight's personality.
For my nitpickings I'd say the biggest thing you could do is separate the first paragraph into smaller paragraphs. Like separating the descriptions of her apartment, her own description, and when she was on the town. That would just make it easier for the reader and make it look less like an impenetrable wall of information.
Other than that, I think WaterSpout covered every thing else. I hope this helped!
Hello! It's time for a review.
My first impression of your story was that it was a very complex world that you seemed to have put a lot of effort into. I liked the story line so far and Dwight's personality.
For my nitpickings I'd say the biggest thing you could do is separate the first paragraph into smaller paragraphs. Like separating the descriptions of her apartment, her own description, and when she was on the town. That would just make it easier for the reader and make it look less like an impenetrable wall of information.
Other than that, I think WaterSpout covered every thing else. I hope this helped!
It did indeed help, thank you for reading! I divided up the paragraphs as you said, and I agree it looks way better. Google docs apparently makes everything look really weird. Anyway, thanks for the review I hope you enjoyed the chapter!
Hello, Nemeia, back again for an exciting first chapter. I really liked the prologue, so I decided I'd read this one. The world-building is amazing, which is probably what caught my attention in the first place. So, without further ado, I'll get started
Okay, so first off, that first sentence doesn't seem to be needed. This talks about Dwight's apartment, but then the next sentences talk about the busy people. Either move this sentence or delete it.
This one kind of confused me a bit when I first read it. Since there was no comma, I read it all together. quickly put it on flipping. Then I reread it and found what you meant. So just add the comma.
This is the wrong word. I suggest changing it to just to.
I'll just put the commas in a spoiler
Spoiler
This needs a comma
This doesn't need a comma
I think you meant of.
It seems like Dwight can act like a friend to Mrs. Cranell. Interesting.
And I think that's all I had to say. This was a really good chapter, presenting the main characters and just enough information but not too much. I hope this was useful to you!
With caution,
WaterSpout
Awesome! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Both your reviews have been incredibly useful and eye opening! Don't be afraid to go hard on me and be nit-picky, I appreciate the feedback a lot. Thanks for reading!
No problem!