The Writhing Inside of Me

Wow! This is really incredible! I don't have a lot of super nitpicky things to say about it, just some general points, so here goes:

This is kind of on the borderline between prose and poetry. The beginning looks, feels, and sounds like poetry. And really beautiful poetry at that. But once you get about halfway down, the line breaks pretty much disappear completely and you're basically left with a paragraph that has bad grammar and not too great flow.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't at all take away from the raw emotions literally pouring out of this piece. But it does take away from the poetic aspects of it, and so maybe you should choose either prose or poetry, one or the other. Personally, I would choose to edit it as a prose on your second draft, simply because it might be an easier switch. There's dialogue, there's almost complete sentences already- it could work.

"No, No, No.
The secret vomits words into my mouth. They burn like acid and I long to spit them out. It fills my head with undeniable and uncomfortable truths; they poke and prod me and I question myself.
No, No, No.
I can’t take this anymore. My lips prickle in anticipation. I feel a malicious smirk. It is triumphant.
NO!"

This is a pretty small thing, but I feel like you really don't need quite so many 'no's. We get the message with just a couple, or maybe even just one. No is a powerful word.

"So I look at his girlfriend, her easy smile, her contented ways, her blissful ignorance.
I feel a sharp kick in this rock of a heart but I breathe and it is still.
She stops her story to look back at me, a question in her eyes.
I give my most reassuring smile and we are friends again.
And I hope with all my heart that she will forgive me for not warning her about this approaching storm."

This may be just me, but this part both was really powerful and kind of confused me. At first in the last few lines it seems like the problem is resolving, but then the last line leaves a very ominous tone. You say 'we are friends again' but then you imply that this won't be true for very long...or am I reading it wrong? ...

Anyways, this was really powerful, so thank you!

Sapi

This piece is obviously a source of a lot of emotion for you. It’s quite literally spilling out of you and into the piece, evident by the way you don’t even bother to put in line breaks toward the end. So, don’t feel bad about this, but I think it’s pretty obvious this is an early draft. There’s a lot of work to do.

I do like that you immediately went to try to describe your feeling in a way that other people would understand. You hit a lot of powerful, hurting words: bite, scratch, claw. You even brought in comparison to an animal: flap, screech, giving it wings. These are all good instincts, so congratulations.

The problem is that you are using language in predictable ways, which brings us no new understanding. You are sticking too much to the sequence of events and getting the meaning across (which can be summed up in much less text: I know a secret his girlfriend doesn’t know and it is hurting me). There’s really only one point of confusion, which is whether the speaker loves this guy as a friend only or loves him as in wanted a future with him and now sees not only that the girlfriend’s gonna get burned, but maybe gets hurt herself, too? Otherwise, everything is laid out bare.

I’m not saying I want you to turn it into a riddle. You don’t want to write a riddle, but cut it down. Make every single word you choose have a purpose. Writhing is a very good word for this poem, because it describes the sensation of keeping something inside while still making sure the reader knows this secret is alive and dynamic. It’s not an action done a long time ago – a dead secret, but a live one, clawing to get out because it’s still relevant. Choose your words in this way. Does this do more than one thing? Okay, maybe I’ll use it. Try to make it do three or four things at once. That means taking out redundancy, too. Instead of “I want to gag. /Bile. I taste bile./ I’m going to be sick.” pick one of them. Repetition can be effective, but only if it serves to evoke something more, which this repetition doesn’t, in my opinion. Bile is the strongest. Keep the bile, and we will feel like we want to gag, and we will know this person feels sick to their stomach. Cut the fat!

Once you cut the fat, focus a little more. Why does this secret upset you so much? Is it because of the hurt that it will cause his girlfriend? OR is it because this speaker actually isn’t comfortable with the secret and doesn’t want to accept it, and is having a hard time coming to terms with that? Play to the point; don’t lose us in the build up.

PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review, as I don’t receive notifications of replies to reviews. Good luck, and keep writing!

I reeeeeeally wanna write a good review on this one.
But damn it's too good (not that I wanted it to be bad or anything).
I don't think I'll be much of a help to this masterpiece.
I think I'll just vent my thoughts. Confusion, more like.

The only negative thing I found of this would be it was kinda long...
Although I might just seem that way cause I was itching to know what this 'secret' was you were referring to.

"I’ve got a secret.
It’s writhing inside of me
An untamed animal
Restless, struggling to get free.
It bites at my lips; it scratches at my tongue; it claws at my teeth.
And when I see his girlfriend, it flies into my chest, making my heart pound.
I ask myself: Does she know?
It catches in my throat. It flaps there madly; I hear it screeching in my head; its foul voice rings in my ears, proclaiming all my missteps, all my mistakes,
All my sins."

You had me here.
I wanted to know what the MC knew and immediately you made me think of cheating.
Was this girl a cheater? Or is she unrequited?
Moreover you had my attention from your first sentence and I'm glad you didn't wait till the second stanza or the third to claim it. What sins does she speak of, what's clawing at her?

"You can’t tell anyone.
Of course, of course, of course, I would never tell!
I promised. But it’s more than that.
I love him."

Me: Tell whaaaat?
You: Uh-uh (tut-tut)

"He whispered it.
Whispered it to me, ever so softly, in a crowded place. He wanted to lose it in the ocean of people; the sea of their voices.
But I caught it. And now it drowns me.
Oh God, I can’t breathe."

I might just be blonde (not in the technical sense- I need to find a better adjective)
but I don't know what 'he' said. I started to get impatient here

"The secret vomits words into my mouth. They burn like acid and I long to spit them out. It fills my head with undeniable and uncomfortable truths; they poke and prod me and I question myself.
No, No, No.
I can’t take this anymore. My lips prickle in anticipation. I feel a malicious smirk. It is triumphant.
NO!
I must be strong.
Because I love him."

You seriously wanted to murder me here. Or maybe you hate me.
I'M DYING TO KNOW WHAT'S THE SECRET!
This stanza gave me high quality pictures of strawberry and cream sponge cake with an antique plate and silverware ready, with heavenly background music and oceanic scenery- but no cake!
I mean, several conclusions have dawned on me what that secret is, however I may need your blunt clarity I guess to guide me to what it really is.

"Big fat tears, spilling out his big blue eyes, as he whispered to me.
And just like that, the waves have filled me. They leave his shuddering body and they fill me, more and more of them, carrying with them this secret."

Why is he crying? Why is HE crying?
Did I miss something?

"But I whisper in his ear, because I don’t want him to lose these words in all the waves. I want them to stick. I want them to reverberate in his ear and to be engraved on his heart.
“It doesn’t matter. I love you no matter what.”"

Aw hell no.
She's unrequited isn't she? Either that, or their having an affair. Or worse, he's dumped a BIG secret on her. Something so big she can't even tell the reader?
Me: Aw that sucks. (deflate)
Geez emotions shredding me right now, though I still can't tell why I'M a wreck.

"And I pull back enough to watch his lips creep into the tiniest of smiles. I see him breathe easier, finally free of the secret that gnawed at his heart, making him loathe who he is, making him afraid everyone he loves will hate him as he has hated himself.
And he hugs me back. And for the moment I think everything will be alright."

Oh, you poor poor thing! *gives you special invisible chocolates*
(don't eat it)

"And for the moment I think everything will be alright.
But the secret is still here; I can feel its hum in my chest. It is quiet now, calmed.
So I look at his girlfriend, her easy smile, her contented ways, her blissful ignorance.
I feel a sharp kick in this rock of a heart but I breathe and it is still."

Ignorance. Ah. So that's where we are with this, okay, I get it. (sorta)

"She stops her story to look back at me, a question in her eyes.
I give my most reassuring smile and we are friends again.
And I hope with all my heart that she will forgive me for not warning her about this approaching storm."

Dun. Dun. DUUUUUN!
Aye mi!
What an ending that was.

As I said, I can't promise this helped much -helped me loads though- and if I thought your poem was long I'd cringe to think of how long this review is (Dun. Dun. DUUUUNx2)

Even when I found that secret, I still wanted more.
You left me with bitterness that I didn't want to feel, questions I didn't like the answer to and a heroine I admire but wish I could pat on the back somehow. (Ever thought that Heroine and Heroin were too close together?)

I hope that her little rock of a heart heals, that emotional baggage could be tied to helium balloons and that this storm turns out to be cool waves and a comfortable sun.

That would make life so much easier. Not to mention, pleasant.
... But it wouldn't be 'life' though would it.
density//

This could pack the intended punch if some clichés were removed. Here are some clichés that I found:
1. struggling to get free
2. limp and lifeless
3. it drowns me
4. rip into my soul
5. everything will be alright
6. blissful ignorance