It'll Be Okay
She holds her child close,
clutched in the grip of terror.
They listen to him downstairs,
waiting for him to leave them
Alone
Alone with their bruised and bleeding
arms & faces.
The child is crying,
sobbing loudly.
"It'll be okay," she whispers,
tears sliding down her cheeks.
He holds his child close,
savoring his last moments with her.
He listens to her breathing,
dreading the moment it stops.
Death
Death has her in its grasp,
pulling her under.
The child is crying,
sobbing weakly.
"It'll be okay," he whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.
He holds his son close,
for the last time without knowing.
He cannot hear while sleeping,
unaware of what will be
Gone
Gone, and never coming back,
no matter what happens.
The father is now crying,
heart-breaking tears.
"It'll be okay," the son whispers,
tears sliding down his cheeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want me to explain the last stanza, just send me a message and I'll tell you. It's a long, sad story that I didn't feel like typing.
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
Aww, sad.
Still, I have to review honestly.
Negatives: I think the repetition of some of the lines took something away. I was also confused by the last part, when you talk about a son? I thought a father was losing his daughter, but now...? I'm...confused...
Positives: Emotional piece that definately made me sad. And the whole point of poetry is to make people feel something, isn't it? Gotta give you props there.
In general, this was a good piece that could continue to be perfected. Keep writing.
this poem hits pretty close to home with most people. it's graphic, and touching, and purely painful and emotional.
the only real complaint i have is the last stanza, it seems like it's a little confusing to me. i also do not like the phrase "heart-breaking tears". it sounds like you made a word up because you couldn't find a better one.
i would suggest "crushing" or maybe "heartfelt" or "shattering".
shattering/shattered/crushing/heartfelt tears sounds much more intense, and painful than heart-breaking.
i like it!
Great job! I truly enjoyed your poem(though I didn't completely understand it) You seem to be a very emotional writer. What i mean by that is you make me feel your emotions. I think you could work on . . . well i don"t see anything you need to work on. Again, good job!
i am an official depressed person and it made me quite happy that you got your point as a writer across. I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE it ( way too much..) It was sad and the last paregraph was confusing but I was too sad to notice it before.
Love ya lots,
Lizzi
Awww, so sad!
Hi, darling. First of all I want to let you know this is a wonderful poem. I'm going to help with the punctuation.
*tears* Beautiful poem. I love that you linked three tragic stories together with a common theme and the same last two lines in each stanza. I could picture each sad situation in my mind vividly.
Gold star for you.
Love,
Music.
Hi, darling. First of all I want to let you know this is a wonderful poem. I'm going to help with the punctuation.
Beautiful and sad. Sorry there is nothing more I would like to fix. I get the child abuse in the first stanza. Tears****
Thank you guys so much for all the positive and helpful things you said! I feel very special right now.
Anyways, I will tell you that all the stuff in the first two stanzas is made-up, and the last stanza is based on something real. A few months ago, my geography teacher's son died. I didn't actually know the son, but I saw him around school and my friend and would comment on his hot-ness (yes, we do that- comment on guys' hot-ness). Anyways, when he died, it hit me like a dead weight, because, up until then, I had never experienced death or the gone-ness that accompanies it. I know this sounds shallow, but it inspired me to write a series of more morbid poems. What you guys read was the one I posted because I thought it was the best. So, thanks so much for...liking it, i guess [?] ! It makes me feel good.
Oh, by the way, rumor is the son died of a drug overdose, just incase you're wondering. Don't know, though, for sure.
I'm sorry to kind of break the positive review streak, but I really didn't feel all that much in these stanzas. >_<;; I mean, the repetition of 'it's okay' takes away from the power that could have been in each individual situation. Though the people in each place might have said those words, it kind of makes it seems like all the situations are the same and they are worth just as much as one another, when you could have gone deeper into each story by giving them uniqueness.
Personally, I thought the first stanza was the strongest. You slipped terror in there along with sadness, and I think you could go further with that image. ^_^
Here, if you don't clarify, it makes it seem like the child is whispering, because the child is the last thing you referred to. xP I know it might kind of break up the flow, but that's the way it's portrayed now. >_<
Hmm. In my opinion, I don't know that 'savoring' is the best word here. It's kind of like saying he's enjoying them... which I don't think is the case, since they're crying, right? Perhaps 'clinging to' would be a better message? ^_^
Here, if you're keeping the poem as it is, you should take out 'now', to keep it the same as in the rest of the poem.
Anyways, I think it has a lot of potential, but try to work the emotion in there through maybe deeper imagery, more powerful words, etc. ^_^
-Hannah-
Hey there... I was happily singing along a happy song when this stumbled in my way. I thought it was interesting and read it. Big mistake. I'm sad!!!!!!!
This is incredible beautifully written! And your a novice, so very good job!
I found something here that most poems don't accomplish, or don't accomplish entirely. The imagery. I could feel the people feelings; I could actually see them.
So, thanks for making me sad, because it was totally worth it!
Gold star
*Kat*
That's a really sad poem=[
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But I awarded it with a gold star=]
.
.
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just bacause i thought you deserved it (:
I noticed too. She obviously did it for points.
So anyway! That poem was really sad. I wouldn't like to feel that way, nor would anyone.
Yay! That's the first time I actually SAY/WRITE nor! Party!!!!!
Keep writing!
i was happy 30 seconds ago
in other words, well done!
awsome imagery too, can imagine it so easily its creepy (or maybe that's just me?)
very powerful wording
well done, keep writing!
-Grimy
(did anyone else notice huggybear123's post is... similar, to say the least... to writ3rindisguis3's???)
[Deleted ~ Snoink]
Wow. Such a sad poem. And I agree with Writing for love is a passion, you accomplished your job as a writer. I love how you break up your poem with one word. It makes what you want to say stand out. I liked how you used three different people and how someone always tries to comfort the other. This is what made the poem so emotional. I'm not one for monotony, but the way you repeated some of the lines made it even that more emotional. Great use of word choice, by the way. It really effects the tone of the poem. Wonderful job!
Keep writing,
Becca
Aww! That was so sad. Wonderfully written, but horribly sad!
That's a good thing, though. You made me feel sad! So you have fulfilled your job as a writer. To make the reader feel your emotion in one sense or another. So I applaud you and give you a gold star! 
Peace
_Writing for love is a passion_
~Lexie~