Twinkling, the stars lay in a carpet of darkness above me. Each one holds a wish and a tale to share with the worlds around it, each one is alone in a large universe. Trillions of burning orbs in the sky — so many, so far apart...
Seven billion humans walk the earth. We are a lot closer than stars but our minds are still unique — still millions of miles apart. We are all our own stars shining in the sky, lifeforms burning with individual ideas and dreams.
However, we have an advantage over the stars. We can share our stories — we can still chase our dreams... we should treasure and take advantage of such a precious opportunity. Instead of spending our lives idling around, we should strive to create our own stories -- stories to shine about.
It's only a matter of time before we burn out, after all.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I really enjoyed this work and I think it did well in bringing across your point in a subtle but determined way. Your metaphor was a lovely one and was well used in your work to bring out our futile state. I loved your last sentence as I thought it really brought the piece together. All together, the piece was beautifully worded, insightful, and had great SPAG. To improve, I suggest you bring out your metaphor a bit more, really give it a practical meaning. However, well done. You definitely have a talent.
~Kazey
Hi hi hi hi hiiiiii~~~~ tomodachi~~~ (friend in Japanese)
A wild Jen has appeared! A wild review has also appeared!
Wow! I see you just joined today, nice! Welcome to the site. Though, I'm also really new, so I guess I don't really have power to say that... ehehehe ^ ^ Still, glad to have you with us.
Your short little... er... story? Can this be called a story? I think it's called a reflection. I'm pretty sure it is... Ahem. Anyways. Your short little reflection was an excellent first piece, to have you introduced to this lovely site~ It's short in length, but it is insightful, intriguing, and thoughtful. I especially loved how you began by comparing the stars to us humans, and commenting that humans are "still millions of miles apart" from each other. I agree with you fully on that point. It's an unfortunate truth, but it's also a truth we need to learn to recognize and overcome.
I have a few suggestions on how to improve your reflection.
1. In your first paragraph, you wrote:
"Trillions of burning balls in the sky". I feel like it might flow better if you said:
"Trillions of burning orbs in the sky". The word "orbs" give has a more well-rounded denotation, and is often associated with celestial bodies.
2. In your third paragraph, you strongly expressed your thoughts in the sentences:
"Take that advantage and use it! Stop sitting around and live that life of yours — create your own story to shine about." While this is something that most people should live by, I feel like you can express it in a more subtle tone. The rest of the reflection exhibits a softer, more distant voice, while the above lines embody strong ideals and stronger passions. Make no mistake, I do agree with you very much, but suddenly throwing in such strongly-voiced sentences disrupts the flow of this piece. Unfortunately, it may also irk some readers to see you using exclamation marks and directly addressing them.
Try something like this instead:
"We should treasure and take advantage of such a precious opportunity. Instead of spending our lives idling around, we should strive to create our own stories-- stories to shine about."
I do believe that that would meld in better with the rest of this reflective piece, and maybe even create a stronger argument by using "we" (suggesting that all are in this together) instead of "you" (giving a more detached feel).
3. Your last sentence is quite something. However, it can be improved upon still. Instead of:
"It's only a matter of time before we burn out after all." Try this:
"It's only a matter of time before we burn out, after all."
I understand that adding punctuation may seem awkward and choppy to you, but having a grammatically sound sentence structure is just as important as highlighting viewpoints.
Well, that's all of the things I will point out today. It's a lovely piece of work to get you started on YWS. I do hope you will be furthering your career as a junior writer, and hope to see you around soon.
Happy writing~~~
Thank you!
No problem!
I will be more than happy to read and review your future works as well.
No problem!
I will be more than happy to read and review your future works as well~~~ Happy writing~~~!
Wow.
This was amazing. Despite the shortness to it, it was gripping and the metaphor was simple but greatly portrayed.
You also had an awesome imagery going on through out the whole piece, and I felt as if I was walking with those seven billion people, shining like stars. The last paragraph (not the last line) was almost a "twist" to the piece of writing, and settled it very nicely.
I think this would make an amazing poem. I almost thought it was a poem at first (besides the fact it was in paragraphs) because it really sounded like one. Your writing voice to this would make a very calm, peaceful but determined poem.
If you could also make it any longer - not saying it's bad with the length it has now - I think that could strength your point even more, and it would just make the piece *better* (in a sense).
Keep writing!
~ EternalRain
Thanks!