Ozil is cutting brushwood of bamboos in their thicket to repair the fence around the vegetables garden behind their straw made shack. Since his school is off for a long time and his mother has strictly forbidden him to go outside the house, this small garden is only place where he has no feeling of chagrin, no feel of annoyance . Today While cutting bamboo, a story came to his mind. Belike:
It was a foggy winter morning. His father awoke him after and time started for the farmers to move for land. He shouted at his son to be ready up for school. But winter made him feel so slothful that he refused to get up and missed school that day. When he got up from bed, he found his father approaching toward him with a stick cut from this thicket of bamboos. Tears wet his cheeks as his father beat him without the slightest of mercy. For sure, his father is very instinct with education, though he never placed his foots on the premises of any school.
Once upon a time, Ozil had to be insisted to go to school. Guess what? Now He wants to go to school and meet friends. It’s been almost 4 months since Government has declared all schools as closed. Even he misses his teachers who always motivate him to dream big, think large and this was too annoying to him. Evermore, He found sons of rickshaw puller to be a rickshaw puller at the end of the school. He misses the girl sits in the front bench wearing clean dress , churi and deep lipstick who being the daughter of principal He never had a single conversation with her. Ozil still feels to go his school though it seemed irritating to him someday.
Ozil doesn’t know enough about the overwhelming virus .Yet, it has made him scare about his family and father as well who pulls rickshaw in town. Ozil talked with his father over phone yesterday.
“Baba, Ozil. I have bought your wrist watch that you wanted .The black colored glossy one”, said his father.
“When will you come home Abba?” asked Ozil.
“Next week ,I hope so “,said his father.
His father did never mention him about the death of huge people by the out broken epidemic , but he told it her wife. Ozil knows everything since his mother didn’t hide anything to him. That’s why he knows so well that his father isn’t coming back home soon. He feels a heartache for his father .
***
Rodela is preparing breakfast . She is a part time servant in the house. It was 4th day of the month and so is she supposed to be paid today. The lady of the house summoned her.
“Rodela, Rodela?”
“Yes , Apa.”
“Here it is. Take your payment.”
Rodela counted the money and it was one hundred in total.
“Apa…...”, Rodela muttered.
“I was supposed to be paid an advance for the next month. Kindly, I asked for it few days back”, Rahima finally added.
“What advance? Huh? What advance?” she almost shouted.
“ Apa , Ozil’s father gets no passenger now a day in his rickshaw.He can’t send any money. Apa, I have no rice preserved to eat . I beg u Apa .I beg you for an advance payment of next month. We live by your kindness, Apa ”, Rodela howls.
“You people always think we have built a mountain full of treasure. You don’t need to come from the next day”, She answers finally.
“Rascals”, she also muttered.
Rodela comes out of the house with a glossy droplet of water in the corner of her eyes. Returning home, she found Ozil to work in the garden.
A month went on …
Rodela is out of work. She has nowhere to go. Ozil’s father doesn’t call home for 3 days . His phone says it’s not reachable. Her phone is out of recharged balance and so could she not call Ozil’s father. Almost one third of the population of the locality died throughout last six months. She is cooking one kg of rice for past seven days. She has eaten nothing but water for last three days. She only feeds Ozil . Ozil is too young to understand these sufferings. She heard that the lady of the house where she worked has died this morning. The lady was taken to town for treatment. Since the lady was affected by the epidemic , her death body was buried covering by a polythene bag and none had joined her janaja. Even no janaja was held.
Janaja is an activity before buring death body in Islam. This is sort of honor for a man if huge people attend his janaja.
Rodela is on her bed and feeling kinda sick. She summoned Ozil and ask him to massage her forehead. She saw dark clouds in the sky to gather together and saw thunder to rumble .She closes her eyes. She remembers when she was a child, an old man came to their house who has acquired Islamic knowledge though out his life. The man told her family that the most honorable achievement in one’s life is to be buried in grave though Zanaja and Kafon , the clean cloth. Rodela mother remembered this by all her heart and prayed to God so that she might be buried this way.
Rahima has been worn a clean cloth and huge number of people is behind her coffin .She figures out that she is not dying by any epidemic .Her clean cloth says so. She knew her lady of the house was buried by polythene,but she is not going to be buried with polythene. All these messes are happening inside her mind.
Ozil saw droplets of water falling from his mother’s eyes.
“Fortunate , fortunate “, implicit moans come from her mouth .She exhales the longest breath, a breath with a cryptic smile and that smile denotes an ever unseen triumph.
Now , what “fortunate”?
A death out of food is being a fortunate death today.
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Hey there,
I'm just going to leave a little review here if you don't mind.
For one the story is pretty good. It's sad and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume it's about the current affairs of the world so it's interesting to see how you interpret it. There are a few sentences throughout the piece that are a little wordy. Take for example the first sentence:
If you notice, I bolded a few words. These are the descriptive details that I feel could be left out. The sentence as a whole is just a big mouthful of words and it's dense and hard to chew through. Remember that this is the opening to your story. You want it to be good but just enough to keep your readers reading. Pick your descriptive language mindfully. If you add too many it can pull down the plot and make it tiring to read through.
As well, the placement of some sentences/paragraphs felt odd and out of place. The second paragraph is a wonderful example of this. You end the first paragraph telling us that a story has come to the mind of your character but then the second paragraph doesn't seem to fit that flow. It feels wrong, like it was mistakenly placed there. Especially because you start your third paragraph with the classic "Once upon a time" which is iconic in starting so many fantasy stories.
The bolded word in the quote above isn't a proper word. It's considered slang and while it's fine to use slang words try to keep them strictly to dialogue (which is where slang is typically heard) when writing a story in the 3rd person point of view. It would be different if the story was told in 1st person but since it's not just watch out for that.
Finally, I was wondering and I'm hoping it doesn't come off rude to ask, but is English a second language for you? The only reason I do ask is because the way some sentences are constructed read a bit weird. There are many places where I would suggest actually moving words around so I was just curious.
Overall I think you have a pretty cool story here and I'm excited to read some more work of yours. Good luck and continue writing always.
Yeah, English is not my mother tongue.Thanks for the review.but one question,
How shall i come out of this problem?
Some points, pls?
Wow. This was heartbreaking. You really were able to show the world of the characters, and create that image in my head. I love how you move back and forth between characters, starting with Ozil, and then moving to his mother, and then mentioning the story of the woman his mother worked for. You also did a great job integrating specific details. For example, the way you describe the girl as “wearing clean dress, churi and deep lipstick”. I have no idea what “churi” is, but it makes the story feel more authentic. There are so many of those little details that make the story more real.
The one critique I would have is that, at points, the writing style felt a little choppy and unrefined. There were a few places where there were grammatical errors. For example, where you write “he misses his teachers who always motivate him to dream big, think large, and this was too annoying to him”. I think what you mean is that it was annoying that he had to stay at home, away from his teachers. However, the connection between the clauses isn’t quite clear. I would suggest writing, “he misses his teachers who always motivate him to dream big, and think large. It was annoying to be away from them”. Overall, I would suggest just reading through the story again and again and fixing those small errors.
On another small note, the way you introduced the story in the first paragraph made me think Ozil was making it up in his mind. I imagined Ozil was out cutting bamboo, and he started daydreaming, and he thought of the story. As I read on, I realized it was a true story, so I would suggest rephrasing the first paragraph to make it clear from the beginning it’s his story. Specifically, in the lines “today while cutting bamboo, a story came to his mind. Belike”. When you say “came to his mind”, it makes me think it’s made up. I would suggest saying something like “he remembered what had happened in the past four months” or “he thought of what had happened to him”.
Overall, though, this was an amazing story. It’s such a unique perspective and you really brought the reader into the world of the characters. And the writing style is amazing. The way you describe things is so beautiful. I love the way you write “she knew her lady of the house was buried by polythene, but she is not going to be buried with polythene”. There’s something so heartbreaking about this line, in her last wish, her last protest against the world. There are so many emotions and ideas that interact in this story, and it’s great. I look forward to reading more of your writing!
My pleasure you read it!
I hope i'll be coming up with a new story. I'm ready more book so that i may cope up the lackings. I'm really so glad to see such a big comment containing suggestions and compliments and wishes. Who does so?
This is gonna be my inspiration to write another story. I won't thank u,
I would my heartiest sentiments so deep as what i felt while writing the story and what you feel while reading.Taka love!
About grammar mistakes:
Actually i don't have a long back ground in English, i'm not so new to it too.But i'm just crossing the beginning wall to reach with a minimum required quality to write.But dear, as i'm trying to cope up with these issues, I shall master it someday.(Insha Allah)
My pleasure you read it!
I hope i'll be coming up with a new story. I'm reading more books so that i may cope up the lackings. I'm really so glad to see such a big comment containing suggestions and compliments and wishes. Who does so?
This is gonna be my inspiration to write another story. I won't thank u,
I would share my heartiest sentiments with you so deep as what i felt while writing the story and what you feel while reading.Taka love!
About grammar mistakes:
Actually i don't have a long background in English, i'm not so new to it too.But i'm just crossing the beginning wall to reach within the wall of standard.But dear, as i'm trying to cope up with these issues, I shall master it someday.(Insha Allah)
This is my first story on YWS. I hope I will be able to come up with a new story. I'm expecting to enjoy here. Thank u:)
This is my first story on YWS. I hope I will be able to come up with a new story. I'm expecting to enjoy here. Thank u:)