Waking in the early morning
From the sun in the window
The birds “chirp chirp”
Getting dressed as my eyes are still sleeping
My family whisper and mummer with the younglings
I chase around my little brother giggling
To be scolded by my ma
My stomach is growling as I walk to breakfast late
The sweet smell of peas and cornmeal
Heading to the fields as early as I can
Yet, nothing is early enough
So I am yelled at once again
“Way down south where I was born
Roll the cotton down
I worked in the cotton and the corn
Oh, roll the cotton down”
The sun as hot as an oven
Sweating salt in the fields
The smell of cotton and tobacco lingering in the air
I sing with all my might
Listening for the caller’s next move
Cleaning clothes in the muddy river
I sew a blanket on the porch
Being yelled at for doing it wrong time and time again
I try again still frustrated
I have the urge to yell “No more!”
To be yelled at once more
Tears now stream down my face
“When I was young and in my prime
Roll the cotton down
I’d thought I’d go and join the line
Oh, roll the cotton down”
Finally am done and now on to cleaning
This room is messier than my master left it yesterday
The stench is quite revolting
Clean and clean and I am still not done
Till the kitchen is cleaned no dinner is started
Its past dark and I’m still in the kitchen
Finally done hours of pitch darkness already gone in rage
Dishes I clean into the middle of the night
Getting to bed a few hours before sunrise
Waking again in the early morning
Sun in my window
To start the day all over again
“And for a sailor caught a shine
Roll the cotton down
I joined on the ship of the Black Ball Line
Oh, roll the cotton down”
Song found on:
Leanze, Frank. "Jazz-Then and Now." Public Bookshelf, n.d. Web.
An online book that spoke of work songs and the beginning of jazz music
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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130,045 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
I really appreciated the way you used "Roll the cotton down" to bring meaning and rhythm to the story. I think having even a bit more commonality throughout would tie it together. There were a few grammatical changes that could be made to make it even better, but I really like this form of writing. I don't know if you have every read "Sold" by Patricia McCormick, but this reminds me a bit of her work (which I loved).
Keep writing- I love it!
the ending i cant understand. however he mid portion i truly liked .the way to explained that u r under the blazing sun people yell at u and make u work in the field. the line roll the cotton u have used too much i know u wanted to show that how frequent u were worked . but u should have used a fewer times or must have different approach to mean the same line then it would be less tedious, however the issue u caught is good when i read it in history even i felt angry for americans .was not the ending similar to the ending of uncle tom'scabin.
I wanted the poem to be broken apart, but I guess it didn't work the way I wanted it too. I had separated the stanzas but I guess something changed.
The song added was to show the songs that were sung during their work. Sorry it came out a bit confusing.
Thanks for the review!
Hello there! Dropping in for a review :3
Starting with your positives, you captured the scene of what it was like to be a slave very well. From how hard they had to work, to how they were yelled at for doing just about anything, to how they often sang to pass time while they were working. All of this was very well played out and it's an interesting theme to take on for poetry!
Going with some of your weaker points, it would help to further distinguish the song you were using from the rest of your poem. Simply putting it in quotes muddles it together, and if you made the song lines bold or put them in italics, it would have been more obvious when the singing began and your writing ended.
There didn't seem to be any grammar mistakes, although with poetry grammar is something that I chalk up to more of a style than it being a must, but leaving the starting of some lines as lowercase if you want to continue a sentence would be something that I would recommend, especially in the beginning where I would like to see some punctuation to separate some of the events at breakfast for the main character, although again it's more of a personal nitpick so I digress~
Lastly, you could have made this a teeny bit longer with more description on certain events to paint a more vivid picture. I would have liked for some actions that only got one or two lines to be told more in-depth so the feeling of being a slave would be more prominent throughout the poem.
Overall, I'd say you did a fairly decent job! Keep working on your writing skills and you'll get better in no time! Hope this review helped you in some way, never give up writing!
~Despondence
Thank you so much for your review! I thought I had spaced out the poem, as I did when I wrote it down on paper, not sure why it didn't work. I definitely didn't want to muddle it together. Great idea!
Poetry grammar is not my strong suit for sure.
Thank you for your review! You gave me wonderful ideas, thanks.
Hi Naturesweetie!
The citation in this case isn't necessary; the song "Roll the Cotton Down" is an old sea shanty and probably was never under copyright to begin with. However, it would help a bunch if you were to italicize the song. As it stands now, it blends right in with the rest of the poem.
I just wanted to insure there wouldn't be a problem. A great idea! Thank you!