Published June 18, 2008
It’s been fifty years now, since James left. He was a wise man, like he had live for centuries, but yet he was only about forty. He had introduced me to people like Hester Halloway, the “metaphorical” (as James had called it) lady.
But we don’t live for ever, so I am about to tell you the story how I met James and how he changed my life.
I leapt onto my bed and let out a long sigh. Another day, full of blood and clashes of metal. The war had changed many people lives, but ended many more. Everyone had to live in fear of being raided the next day.
I closed my eyes and counted to ten, jumped back up and raced to the window. I saw it again. It was true. A man in a perfectly neat suit was crawling out of a crater. Unless I was going crazy, a bomb had just dropped there (a very small bomb at that)! Nobody could just walk out of a bomb crater, it was just impossible!
Then the man turned to face me, his mysterious eyes meeting mine. I was entranced by them; I didn’t notice that he had started walking towards the house. The man smiled and took of a hat that lay slightly lopsided on his head.
He rapped on the door five times, five times. Sensing I should wake my parents, I bolted to my bedroom door and leaped backwards once I had opened it, for there stood the man from the crater.
“Who are you?” I didn’t feel to scared, he seemed to have one of those friendly faces.
“My name is James Brookland, and I’ve come to help you save the world.”
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy well this is interesting. We've got ourselves a narrator that knows they're being a narrator but not quite in that traditional sense of it being a genuine narrator but rather it seems we have a first person character that happens to talk to the audience. Its one of the more unique styles to use and so far it seems to be working okay here. The rather classic something crazy is going on technique while a bit cliche certainly seems to be doing a good job of getting our attention too so we're off to a decent start here.
Well that slightly too sudden transition aside, this opening here is pretty nicely done there and throwing us into what is a pretty tense situation right away is working wonderfully to get our attention on this story quite quickly including this man that I believe is the one who was mentioned earlier showing up in some pretty mysterious circumstances.
Aaand the plot certainly thickens on that one wow. Our mysterious person certainly makes quite the entrance there and I think on the whole it makes for once again a somewhat cliche but nonetheless quite effective ending there and on the whole, I think this makes for a wonderful start to this story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, welcome to YWS
I agree with Antares about most things - this is kind of short and pretty confusing, so I think you should work on cleaning it up a bit.
Your first paragraph does not seem connected to the rest. Who was the metaphorical lady and why is she important? I don't think you should introduce her to the narrative right now, because it just makes a muddle for the reader. What does living forever have to do with being told a story? You need to make this connection clear.
Your main character seems very blase about the war. I think you should work some more emotion into the piece, talk about how he feels as well as what he sees and thinks. Some description would be nice too. What does James look like? Where are they? How does it feel, taste, smell, sound? Use as many senses as you can to connect the reader with their fictional surroundings.
Other than that, I think this could use a bit of fleshing out in the sense that I'm not really getting a solid feeling of where we are and who we're talking about and why. You need to set the scene a bit more if you're going to hook your reader. I'm still looking forward to reading what happens next though
Happy editing!
Cheers,
~bubbles
It's a bit short to say the least. I suppose you will be uploading more soon?
We don't live forever so that's why they're telling us how they met James and how he changed their life? Picture me confused.
They don't have to live in fear.
I'm not sure about this: the whole counting to ten and jumping back up bit? It's just a bit random and unnecessary. Forgive me for not knowing anything about bombs but 'a very small bomb at that'? Huh? What's that got to do with anything? Wouldn't a bigger bomb be even worse anyway?
He rapped on the door twenty five times?
Love the last line! You don't have to make my change I just think it sounds better.
Righto, I've not got much else to say. It's a semi-good start. I just feel like we've been flung in at the deep end but there is nothing wrong with that. I think the ending is especially effective since I want to know what he's on about! It's always good to get your readers wanting more.
I can't wait to read your next chapter. PM me if you want.