You pushed me.
And so I've fallen.
Tall and proud, now broken battered all around.
My heart; it cannot make a sound. It's life seeping into the ground.
And so I've fallen.
Please good Lord, come carry me from off the floor,
Salvage my soul if nothing more, and show me Heavens wide front door.
And so I've fallen,
And here I lie. The faintest twinkle in my eye,
Of sorrow. Knowing that I die, and you won't be the one to cry.
And so I've fallen.
Can't you tell? I've got no breath inside my shell.
So spend your lasting moments well, because you'll join me soon in Hell.
And here I am.
Dead as true. My body a puzzle and my skin pale blue.
Here I shall stay, with but one thing to do. Because I promised I'd always be with you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Wow, Nate this poem is awesome. I totally love it! :O It's deep and the ending is just shocking. And the rhymes, it was so good and catchy. I bet you spent a lot of time in it. Very well written, I congratulate you!! Although I have agree with those nitpicks Justtrying gave. ^_^
My favorite stanza is, of course, the last one. But also the fourth:
Your job is just excellent.
#00BFBF ">~Solvy <3
Hallo there!
It was really nice! But, you see, the thing is, at the bigenning there was no rhyme and no flow. But then it came and when it did, it was amazing.
[H from Heavens should be capital.] Here you said that you'd go to Heaven, but here:
[H from Hell should be capital.] But here you said that you're in Hell? I'm a little confused here. The flow came correctly, but if you did write it for the flow, well you've got that right but the meanings gone awry. So just check on that, 'kay?
I loved it when you used the repetition for the line, "And so I've fallen." in the bigenning in every stanza. Smart. Very smart.
This poem really gave out the emotion, that pain and angony the poet is feeling. And that is what you need a poem to do. Give the emotion, not just let the reader sit and stare at those meaningless words.
So, yes. Thats all.
Well done, really.
Love to here more from you.
Keep it up!
Justtrying.