Moving in a crowd of faces that know me no further than my name. I can see and hear the laughs, the stories they have to tell, of the "better times". Moments in their history I share no part or existence in.I am of a new era, and even now like then I feel myself no part of it. I wander, around the people, celebrating with aimless congrats all around, to something I'm still unaware of. Around are other children, crowds of others around them, smiling with them. Cheeks pinched, and full of laughter. I watch them enjoy themselves, and soon leave after the familiar feeling of emptiness begins to slowly settle in. I feel myself a burden, almost invisable. A ghost of invisable mass.. I tugged on my mother's leg, my frown giving her nothing but an eye sore as she motions me away, wine well in hand. So again like at most events I find a corner empty and small enough for only me and wait, letting the music go without hearing a thing.
"But what's this noise?" I asked myself as someones voice suddenly pierced through all the noise. "I can hear someone whispering my name...! "Could somebody be looking for me? I stood and dusted off my nice pants and shirt, and chased this soft voice. It's whispers grow loud, and begin to call my name! At this I only run faster, happy that someone remembered! I squeeze under the towering people and run for the voice. As it grew louder my heart beats "Someone remembered!" I shouted to myself as I at last found them. Or rather, I thought I did. I stared into a tall mirror, at myself. Burning tears burried within my eyes, I fixed a small hat upon my head that read "Birthday Boy" and whispered to the voice I chased, similar to and being none other than my own, "Happy birthday... And thank you for coming.."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I can see what you mean now. Perhaps it was a bit to far-fetched to take a small experience like that and try to convert it into a full blown short story. Maybe I should try to re-write this story someday with more examples of previous and future events to show how the character (myself) developed and changed throughout the courses of such events. I do understand your reasoning, and appreciate your input. But please, keep in mine blunt and rude are on two different sides of the scale. You can always be "to the point" without coming across as rude, with how you choose to talk to people. I'm not offended, just a word of advice from one person to another.
I apologize, I can often come across as harsh-sounding, but really I'm just being blunt.
Do allow me one more blunt comment because [blunt] just because a story is true doesn't mean it's worth telling while ignoring basic tenants of storytelling such as voice, characterization, plot, and mechanics [/blunt]
What I mean is, any good story requires the author's effort to make it interesting through word choice, development of characters through revealing motivation and an array of emotions (because even now, while reading this, I'm sure you are experiencing mixed emotions...instead of just a one-sided feeling. Take time to experience it and convey it), and a plot that exists beyond two paragraphs.
Maybe I should have put that last paragraph in [blunt] [/blunt] tags...
And by the way, it's not just a story. It's not a character, either. This WAS my 12'th birthday.
Thanks, but that was just a bit too harsh, bro. I get that you're trying to help, but it's not like you should feel offended either.
Come on, man, this is what spellchecker and proofreading is for. Even when you paste your work into the Post a Topic text box for the website, it will squiggly-red-underline the words that are misspelled.
"invisable" -> invisible
"rememberd" -> remembered
"burried " -> buried?
Other grammar and mechanical issues.
Useless comma. Elsewhere, there are a million unnecessary commas. One might argue it's a stylistic choice, but there are so many that it becomes an eyesore (also, note that "eyesore" is one word). There are only a few places to use a comma correctly:
1) List (apples, oranges, bananas, etc etc.)
2) Appositives (I went to talk to my sister, Michelle, about apples and oranges)
3) To separate two complete sentences joined by a conjunction (I hate apples, and I love oranges) (mind you, DO NOT do "I hate apples, and love oranges")
4) For dialogue (I said, "Apples are terrible.")
5) Introductory phrases (Regarding apples, I hate them)
...that should be most of them. But not for:
Missing a period.
un-capitalize that "Ghost"
I have no clue what you're trying to say here, but you most likely misused "loose."
Loose refers to "the opposite of tight" or to "loose an arrow."
You probably want "Lose" which is to "cease to have"
"Someone remembered!" I shout..."
Misuse of "It's"
It's means "it is" ("It's apples or nothing")
Its means ownership. ("I hate the apple and its shiny ways")
On that note:
Needs an apostrophe. "Mother's leg."
Outside of "it's" and "its", apostrophes denote ownership. So kill this apostrophe here.
Noise.
So there ya go. There's probably some more I missed, but you get the gist.
So pick up a language book (or, better yet, Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style"), and study it and come back with another story. And make it a clean story that doesn't have so many mechanical errors in it, because it's kind of an insult to the readers if you can't be bothered to make your work look nice for them (and instead, ask them to review it and fix it for you).
As a quick comment on the story, though, you need to give us some motivation. Let us understand your character. Right now, he's just a senseless sad sack.
Keep your chin up.