I got inspired to write this poem when my friend and his girlfriend broke up. Please critique to your liking.
I had a bleeding heart
While I was waking up
I decided to start
Hoping for the best.
Opened my eyes to see
But still not knowing
What was ahead of me
Hoping for the best.
I went away from there
Seeking what I will find
With myself and a prayer
Hoping for the best.
A shadow was exposed
Moved ahead, went towards me
But the door was closed
Still hoping for the best.
The one I still seeked
Was just inches away
I yelled, I shrieked
Hoping for the best.
I failed the test
I might be cursed
I was hoping for the best
Rather than preparing for the worst.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
While this has potential, I think the lines are a bit choppy and the rhymes seem forced. Rework it, but stick to the original feeling in the poem. It's really good.
I like what you're trying to say, but some of it confused me.
I don't like the first and the third line. The first line doesn't seem to make sense with the rest of the poem, and the third line doesn't make sense to me at all. It seems like they're just there to rhyme with each other.
I like what you're saying here, but it think it flows a bit awkwardly.
I like this stanza, but I don't really like the second line.
I think it might sound better like this:
A shadow was exposed
It moved towards me
But the door was closed
Still hoping for the best.
I don't understand the reason for shrieking here, but that might be because I was already a little confused at this point anyway.
When I first read what had inspired you to write this poem I expected it to be written from your point of view looking at your friend not from your friends pont of view however I think it is greta you have taken on trying to write from someone elses point of view (:
The first line doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the verse, however the rest of it is good.
I really liked this verse (: I think it captures how you're friend must've felt when they broke up. He didn't know what was going to happen next and just hoped for the best.
I think how you used the last line again but I don't quite understand the second line. I wasn't sure if you meant "what will I find?" instead of "what I will find?" Good verse though.
I didn't quite understand that but that is my problem and I still liked this verse. (:
I really like this, it's really simple but very powerful at the same time.
I love the last two lines here they are really great. I think continuing the "hoping for best" part throughout the whole poem was a fantastic idea.
Well done
~Ferris AKA Tara~