Published September 29, 2020
She sighed, looking out at the rain dripping down her window. Frowning, she glanced at her phone again and the messages she had gotten. Another tear streaked down her cheek. Her head darted towards the door of her room. Footsteps. Getting close. She frantically threw her phone under the bed and wiped her tears off. Looking in the mirror, she rubbed the redness out of her eyes and took a deep breath. Someone knocked on her door.
“Raine? Are you up yet?” Raine’s mom asked. She mocked a yawn and shuffled around in her sheets. “Get up soon, it’s almost time for school.”
“Mmm,” was her reply. Her mom walked away, her footsteps getting lost amidst the patter of the rain. Getting out of the bed, she stood up and looked in the mirror once more at her solemn face. She wasn’t as enthusiastic about going to school as she almost always was. There wasn’t anything to look forward to. Well, there was one thing to look forward to. She smiled as a spark of hope glimmered in the darkness.
Yawning, Riva threw the blankets off of her and looked out the window. The sky was stained with a mix of blue and yellow as the sun peeked above the East Mountain. Small clouds speckled the sky here and there. For mid-September in California, it was pretty chilly outside. Probably best to wear jeans. And bring a jacket. Riva pulled on her clothes and tied her light gray jacket around her waist. Grabbing her backpack and her shoes, she glided out the door of her room as quietly as possible, as to not disturb her twin brother who was yet to awaken. She didn’t want to deal with him in the mornings.
She dropped her tan backpack on the floor near the front door as well as her sneakers. She tiptoed to the bathroom and opened a drawer under the sink to grab her hairbrush. After styling her thick, wavy hair in a low ponytail, she continued her morningly ritual and went to the kitchen. Her dad was sitting at the table sipping his steaming coffee. The smell of it wafted around the kitchen. Riva gagged a little. Her dad looked at her and smiled amusingly.
“I don’t understand how you can hate something so good,” he said, raising his glass towards her. Riva leaned away from it. She gagged again as the bitter smell intensified.
“It’s killing my taste buds by just smelling it,” she replied.
“You’ll learn to love it, just give it some time.”
“Cars will be flying before I learn to love this monstrosity,” she laughed sarcastically.
“That’s what you said about sushi,” he murmured mischievously under his breath. Ignoring his past comment, Riva made her way towards the fridge and grabbed a carton of milk. She moved towards the kitchen cabinets and grabbed a tall box full of cereal. She poured the small flakes into a light blue glass bowl and the milk followed. Riva groaned. “What’s wrong?” her dad asked.
“I forgot to cut the strawberries before putting the milk in. If I cut them now, by the time I get to eating my cereal it’s gonna be flakey mush.” Her dad smiled again.
“Well there’s only one solution-- ditch the strawberries.” Riva sighed, taking her strawberry-less cereal to the table and pulled her chair out. With a creak from the wooden chair, she sat down and began munching on her cereal, no longer having that much of an appetite. Her brother walked into the kitchen with a tired and moody look on his face.
“Morning, grumpy-face,” she snickered.
“I have a name you know,” he mumbled sleepily.
“It looks like you’re not gonna be able to remember it until you wake up, Caleb,” Riva said, laughing. Caleb began walking quickly towards her and Riva released a small yelp.
“If you’re gonna do this, do me a favor and take it outside,” her dad interrupted.
“It’s not my fault I have an early bird for a sister,” Caleb grumbled.
“And it’s not my fault I have the Grinch of mornings for a brother,” Riva smiled, continuing to munch on her cereal.
“And it’s not my fault that I have two children that can’t seem to get ready for school together in peace,” their father said in a barely understandable voice. The twins smiled at each other. They both knew they loved each other and that their rivalries could never get in between their bonds. Caleb tapped his wrist at her. Riva glanced at the clock. 7:30 already? she asked herself. I’d better make sure I have all my things together. Riva smiled, knowing what would await her at school, but not knowing what was yet to come.
…
Noah climbed into the car on the chilly September morning. It’s barely the second week of school and the weather has already gotten cold, he thought to himself, shivering. He sat in the front passenger seat, waiting for his family. He was always the first in the car. He liked having some time to himself, away from the chaos of his siblings and the invasion of privacy. He glanced towards the window of his house and saw his younger sister running around frantically, looking for his jacket. His mom was waiting near the door and his brother was seemingly nowhere to be found. Good thing he woke up earlier than usual this morning. It was going to take awhile before he got to school.
Sighing, he watched the clouds drift in the direction that the drafty day was taking them. He wondered how today was going to be. It seemed to be slightly gloomy, due to the clouds muffling the light of the warm morning sun. He hoped it wasn’t going to be too cold today since the jacket he brought wasn’t very warm. Noah unzipped the small front pocket of his backpack and drew out his phone and earbuds, as well as his math packet that he could probably get even more ahead on with some luck. He scrolled through his phone for about two minutes until he stopped at the playlist he was looking for. Plugging his earbuds in, he sighed again, not really feeling into it today. He put his packet back into his backpack.
It was another “Meh” day. He never liked these days. They made him feel as if there wasn’t really any point in doing anything that was actually productive. Noah always felt down these types of days since there seemed like there wasn’t anything to look forward to. Suddenly his phone buzzed and the music he was listening to faded down.
Raine: Why hello there Mr. Peters! the text read. Noah smiled slightly.
Raine: so, uh…
Noah: let me guess, you got confused with the homework and video pages in the math packet again, didn’t you? he sent, shaking his head.
Raine: am i really that predictable?
Noah: It’s the third time in the past two weeks, Ms. Granger
Raine: haha very funny. I did get a little to ahead in my confusion tho
Raine: so i did the video pages but I’m not sure if i missed out on anything that the teacher wanted us to put down...
Noah: ...and you want me to send you a photo of mine
Raine: bingo. Noah sighed, still smiling and pulled out his math packet once again.
Noah: un moment
Raine: that’s un *momento
Noah: whatever. Noah flipped to this week’s pages of the packet and snapped a couple pictures of some of the problems. He sent them to Raine.
Raine: thanks Noah! I’ll see you at school! Noah frowned a little bit. He didn’t have anything better to do at the moment other than text her. Was he disappointed? He shook his head and hesitantly thumbed his reply.
Noah: uh okay… bye?
Raine: very confident reply there Mr. Peters. okay, now let ME guess. It’s another ‘i dont feel like doing anything at all’ day today isn’t it?
Noah: I call them ‘meh’ days.
Raine: okay, so it’s another MEH day.
Noah: mhmm
Raine: well, don’t worry. I’ll be sure to be extra annoying today for you!
Noah: what have i gotten myself into…
Raine: you’ve gotten yourself into a ‘meh day’. Now it’s bound to turn into a ‘not meh’ day thanks to your best friend
Noah: wow, confident aren’t you?
Raine: ‘bout what?
Noah: you said ‘your best friend’
Raine: you are so getting it today
Noah: oh yeah well I’ve gotta go now so BYE
Raine: how dare you
Noah: raine raine go away come again some other day
Raine: you’ve got something coming for you
Noah shook his head, laughing a bit and put his things back into his backpack as his siblings finally got into the car. Raine was right though. It was thanks to her that today was seeming to turn into a- ‘not meh,’ as she put it- good day. However, he didn’t know that it was going to take a turn for the worse. Suddenly, Noah realized that he did have something to look forward to today.
…
“You haven’t told me about how school’s been,” Cleo’s mom chimed. Cleo sighed, exasperated.
“It’s been fine,” she mumbled, looking out the window of the car. It was fairly cloudy for mid-September, especially for one of the warmest states in California. The weather has been going up and down lately, Cleo thought to herself. The previous week it had been boiling hot, and now it’s cooled down again.
“Fine.” Her mother took her eyes off the road when they stopped at a red light. “That’s all you have to say?” she asked, looking at Cleo.
“Well what else is there to say?” she asked back, her eyes resisting the urge to roll.
“You’ve learned nothing? You haven’t made any new friends?” the woman stared intently at her daughter. “Talk to me, Cleo! You know, sometimes I think you don’t even go to school,” she said loudly.
“Why do you want to know?” Cleo stared at her mom back, “if you want to know so much then why don’t you go to the school?!” Cleo clamped her mouth shut. Her mother glared at her.
“I want to know because it seems like you’re not learning anything! School is about learning, Cleo! I want you to have a good education! Do you not understand thi--”
Cleo cut her off as the light turned green. “Green light.” The car behind them beeped. Her mom stepped on the gas exasperatingly. A few moments passed in complete silence.
“I’ve been thinking of switching your school,” her mom murmured.
“What?! NO!” Cleo cried immediately. “I DON’T WANT TO SWITCH SCHOOLS!” she yelled.
“WHY, CLEO? PLEASE, DO TELL ME!” her mom yelled back.
“BECAUSE I LIKE IT!” Cleo’s face began to get red and hot. Her eyes welled with tears. She gulped them back.
“WHY DO YOU LIKE IT?! YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING, CLEO!” she yelled again, sighing. “The past years this school hasn’t been beneficial to you! If you would just give me some reasons then I wouldn’t have to consider this!”
“WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU?!” Cleo yelled. Her mom gasped. She pulled over, only a couple blocks away from the school.
“For one, Cleo, I am your mother. I should be the one asking that and the fact that you just did stings.” she said, glaring at Cleo. Cleo opened the car door and grabbed her backpack. “Where are you going?!” Cleo’s mom grabbed her wrist.
“To school,” she put harshly. She snatched away her wrist and slammed the door. Hot tears rolled down her face as she walked away from the car and towards the school. Her head rang with distressing thoughts. Switch? I’ve been to this school since second grade. How could she switch me?! As she got closer to the campus she began to wipe the tears off her cheeks. She took a deep breath through her mouth and tried to unstuff her nose. What am I going to do?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi! I'm here for a quick review. I loved how the book switched from one persons life to another! I loved the cliffhanger sort of things in the book. That was really clever! I do have a few minor critiques. If you find them offensive in anyway or you disagree with them, then just ignore it.
1. "Another tear streaked down her cheek." Instead of streaked, you could use trickled, slid or slipped.
2. "...and wiped her tears off." Instead of off, you could use aside.
3. “Her head darted towards the door of her room.” Instead of "darted" you could use "flitted".
Well, that's all! I hope that this review helped. I hope to hear more from you!
Hannah
Ahh! Thank you this is so helpful you have no idea I've been struggling to find better words thank you so muchhhhh !
Hi Maryah! Feel free to ignore this if you don’t find it helpful. I am by no means a professional.
“Another tear streaked down her cheek.” The word streaked sounds rather harsh in the quiet setting we are in. It would sound smoother with a word like “Another tear slid down her cheek.”
“Her head darted towards the door of her room.” The word darted makes it seem like somehow her head is moving closer to the door at high speeds instead of merely looking quickly. Try, “Her head whirled to face the door of her room”, or similar words like spun.
“Footsteps. Getting close.” This sounds a bit choppy. A smoother alternative could be “Footsteps were approaching.”
“She frantically threw her phone under the bed and wiped her tears off.” I don’t normally hear people say they wiped their tears off. Usually they use away instead of off, but if you wish to use this it could still work.
“...she almost always was.” You could make this sentence more concise by swapping this section with the word “usual”.
“Well, there was one thing to look forward to.” You can take the “to look forward to” out in this sentence because it was already stated in the previous.
“She didn’t want to deal with him in the mornings.” When you used the word want, it sounded like you were going to say that Riva did not want to deal with him that morning, but you finished the sentence by saying she didn’t like to deal with him any morning. So a sentence that would make more sense is “She didn’t like to deal with him in the mornings”, or “She
didn’t want to deal with him this morning”.
“She dropped her tan backpack on the floor near the front door as well as her sneakers.” Tan is usually used to describe a skin tone, so beige might be a more fitting word. When you said “as well as her sneakers”, it sounds like an afterthought even though she placed her backpack and sneakers on the floor at the same time. The sentence would be more concise if the items were put next to each other in the sentence. For example: “She dropped her beige backpack and her sneakers on the floor near the front door”.
“...she continued her morningly ritual and went to the kitchen.” I don’t think morningly is a word, but I’m not sure. The “ly” is not needed in order for the sentence to make sense.
“Ignoring his past comment…” You could take out the word “past”.
I really liked this part of your story:
“‘If you’re gonna do this, do me a favor and take it outside,’ her dad interrupted.
‘It’s not my fault I have an early bird for a sister,’ Caleb grumbled.
‘And it’s not my fault I have the Grinch of mornings for a brother,’ Riva smiled, continuing to munch on her cereal.”
It made me laugh and established a playful family dynamic.
“He glanced towards the window of his house and saw his younger sister running around frantically, looking for his jacket.” You said it was his sister but you used he when describing her looking for her jacket.
The text messages between Raine and Noah were really entertaining to read. But I’m confused: are Riva and Raine the same person?
“Cleo cut her off as the light turned green. ‘Green light.’ The car behind them beeped. Her mom stepped on the gas exasperatingly. A few moments passed in complete silence.” I like this part because it gives a great visual, and the image is easy to see in my head. You have a lot of good descriptions.
The argument scene still packs a punch even without the yelling in all-caps.
I can’t wait to see how these three characters’ stories are intertwined, and what will happen! I am also very curious as to why Raine was crying two years before, and what importance it holds. Thank you for posting your writing. The world needs more storytellers like you.
Thank you so much for the review! Also, no, Riva and Raine are not the same person! I can understand why this is so confusing, I sometimes write Riva instead of Raine or vice versa
. I wanted their names to be similar since this is novel is kinda based on something that happened to me and my best friend (My name is Maryah, and her name is Miranda 
). Also, yeah I didn't mean to put "his" in that part where Noah's sister is looking for HER jacket. Once again, thank you for the review- super helpful! I'll try to make the edits here on YWS after I make them to my main document with the entire novel written out 
Hey Maryah! Hope you don't mind if I stop by for a review today
As far as openings to chapters go, I'm not a huge fan of this one? There's nothing here to grab my attention, I have no reason yet (as cold as it sounds, I know) to care about any of the characters. I am specifically referring to the section that happened "two years before" present (since I haven't read beyond it). When you are starting a novel, even a contemporary, good advice is usually to start in medias res. When you start right in the middle of things, your readers are immediately swept up in the story. Here, you're starting with an everyday activity and giving no context as to why it's important or what kind of story it's going to build into. It doesn't grab attention.
This is very lovely description, and I do enjoy it (especially since you slipped in the location without being overt about it)! I think it might be a little early? Again, when you're opening a novel (and since this is the "present day" section, I'm just thinking of it as another beginning), and while this description is very nice and I do really like it, it's not attention-grabbing necessarily. There's nothing wrong with opening with description (I've read countless books that opened that way), but the most effective descriptive openings would be if something was blatantly out of place (like... there's a horse hovering in the air or something. Not that example lol but it would grab a reader's attention, you know? I would certainly be wondering why we have a beautiful mountain sunrise backdrop and a horse hovering in the air and how it got there and what it's significance is. I am not, for the record, suggesting you add a floating horse, I'm trying to highlight an example of how description could be an effective opening).
Again! There's nothing wrong with this (I would say you did a great job with this image!), I just wanted to give you something to think about
"glided"? Is she a ghost?
Here's more of an example of things happening but I'm just...not getting into the story. There's nothing interesting here or that I haven't read in a lot of other story openings. Things like character description should be sprinkled in and come up when it's necessary (such as when your pov character is meeting someone new, perhaps, or when they're a special occasion). Why would your character be thinking about how she's styling her "thick, wavy hair"? If you want to mention it, have her complain about how hot it is or how it doesn't listen to her (as someone with thick wavy hair I frequently complain about this) when she tries to style it. But there's nothing here that engages a reader. I can't even begin to guess what the story or plot is or where it's going, and that's not necessarily a good thing. You want to introduce a reader to your story in the opening chapter and show them the beginning of the path they're about to walk with you as they read your story.
I know a common pitfall for me when I was beginning was describing everything that happened. Every time a character did anything, I wrote it in. I didn't necessarily describe every day to excruciating detail, but if I had a character going from point a to point b, I ahd to describe the process to get there, even when it wasn't relevant to the plot at all. That's kind of what it feels like here. Unless a dragon is about to crash into the house, I might suggest you ask yourself why you chose this place to begin your journey through your novel.
oh it's sarcasm? I hadn't noticed.
I'm sorry, I had to take the opportunity. But seriously, when something is evident in the dialogue you write (like, for example, Riva being sarcastic), you don't also need to put it in with the dialogue tag. Of course she's being sarcastic. In what way would that be taken seriously? The readers have already been shown that she's being snarky about this, you don't have to also tell them.
This sentence is essentially saying "he whisper whispered" because murmuring is done very quietly and so is speaking "under your breath".
You started the present sequence out from Riva's point of view, but the line "The twins smiled at each other" takes it more into an omnipresent narrator. When you're writing from one character's perspective (in one chapter or from scene to scene, but just in a way that the character is narrating their specific sequences/actions/etc, not in the "you only have one pov character" way), you narrate through how they experience their surroundings and react to their environment. For example, I wouldn't say, if me and a hypothetical second girl who is with me both nodded, that "we both nodded", I would say "me and hypothetical second girl nodded". I...hope that makes sense, I'm not sure I explained that one well.
By putting this in italics, you're already showing that she's thinking. This is another instance where you don't need that additional "she asked herself" because that's what putting the text in italics is for.
"she knew what was coming, but she didn't know what was coming"??? this makes no sense.
(also! she has smiled twice in this paragraph! you'll want to be careful about repetition like that, because it's noticeable, which means it's distracting from your actual story. Your prose should serve to narrate your story, so when there's something, like repetition for example, that pulls a reader out of the story, it really needs to be addressed/rewritten in a way that serves to keep the flow of the narrative going)
This should be more likeL
Do you see how, because of the italics, she can already tell that he's thinking this line? I didn't have to add in that he was. Thoughts in prose don't use the same rules that dialogue do, though they seem to be often confused for each other, but when you're writing thoughts, you don't have to have a "dialogue tag", if you will, to add onto the thought. Dialogue tags exist, specifically for dialogue, to clarify who's speaking, or emphasise how they're saying what they're saying. We already know who's thinking when the narrator isn't omniscient, so we don't need "she/he/they thought" for clarity, and thoughts usually happen as a reaction to something so that they already have context. Plus, they don't have a specific tone, so we don't need to know "how they are thinking" something, because they can't like... yell a thought.
Starting off here: "and saw his younger sister" well, of course he sees her. This is from his point of view. In addition, you just told us that he was glancing over towards her. Describing a character "seeing" or "hearing" (usually those two specifically but sometimes the other senses as well) is really just adding padding (lol) to your writing. It's like filler words ("just" "really" "very" "actually" etc etc. and yes, I know I have been including them in this review, but I'm not writing prose here :p). They do nothing for your prose or your story.
While this is a very relatable passage, it's very telling. You're telling the reader what Noah is feeling, and it makes it hard to experience this while someone is reading. Instead of telling us how Noah is feeling, show us how it's affecting him. Does he feel really heavy? Is his stomach clenching? Are his eyelids drooping even though he got enough rest? This is way easier for someone to visual and connects readers with your characters while covertly expressing their feelings (and not blatantly telling them).
Why are they calling each other by their last names? I'm not saying this never happens, but the only time my last name is ever used is when my mum is saying my full name or one of my friends is saying my (again, full) name dramatically. I never call anyone by their last name unless they're in a position where it's socially deemed (like a teacher or something). Even then, I still almost never do.
This should be "Noah frowned." I know I have the tendency to add "a little bit" EVERYWHERE in my writing, but it just knee-caps your sentences. It detracts from your prose, and there's no real reason to do it most of the time.
I didn't mention this earlier when you brought it up in Riva's section, but this...shouldn't be here? Again, this kind of narration, the close third-person, is written in a way that you write through that one character's perspective. They don't know things they don't know, you know? (I'm sorry)
In all seriousness though, Noah doesn't know that his day is "going to take a turn for the worse". You even say that in prose, but it shouldn't be there in the first place unless you were writing from an omniscient narrator's perspective.
I was going to let this slide before, but you've mentioned it is 1) September and 2) cold now three times. Is this particularly vital information that you have to keep reminding the reader? If not, I would really cut out the second two mentions of it, since we already know it's September and also cold (you can still describe the characters reacting to the cold! but you don't have to keep bringing it up).
This makes it sound like her eyes have a mind of her own? Don't make your characters passive in the text like this. It's Cleo who is trying not to roll her eyes (if her eyes really were trying not to roll, that would be a very different story and much, much more disturbing xD)
Why is this described like this?? It sounds like a stranger is describing something they're witnessing.
I'm a little confused why Cleo's mum thinks her school is so bad for her just because Cleo isn't telling her anything? That's a pretty normal teenager thing to do, so unless her mum knows she's failing at school or someone is contacting her with concerns for Cleo's behaviour or telling her mum that Cleo isn't in school, what would make her want to transfer Cleo? It seems like you're trying to, at least lightly, vilify Cleo's mum, but she doesn't seem to have a lot of motive behind it, so it feels a bit weak?
I had trouble connecting to your piece, but that doesn't mean that others do! Not much happened in this chapter, and although you alluded that something was to come (though, again, in pov it shouldn't have been there), it wasn't enough to have a huge punch to start your novel? If something so big is going to happen, why not start there? Immediately pull your readers into the story!
However! Your writing style is very clear, so I was never confused by what was happening! I think you have a good sense of your characters' personalities and their goals, but I'd like to see more of that included into the actual prose of the story. Let their voices affect how you write them! I promise that will make for a lot stronger characters and prose
That is all I have for today! Hopefully this was helpful to you <3 Please let me know if you have any questions or comments about anything I said! I'd be happy to discuss c:
I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!
Oh my goodness that was a lot! I'll be sure to make a couple of those edits that you suggested. LOL I didn't notice how some of the things made absolutely no sense and I'm sitting here like o.O did I really right that (like the murmured under his breath thing and all that jazz). To answer your question about Cleo's mom, some stuff went down (I don't wanna give too much away just yet) the year before (partially Cleo's fault) and that's mostly why she's asking about how it's going now. Her mom is mad that the school didn't really handle the "situation" properly, if you know what I mean. I'll elaborate more in later chapters AS SOON AS I GET ENOUGH POINTS TO POST THEM *sigh*. Also, you're probably not going to see the edits I made here since the MAIN place where I write my book is on Google Docs. I MIGHT paste it in here, I don't know WHEN, honestly it's seriously a hassle because if I paste it from Docs YWS DOESN'T SAVE THE FORMAT!!! Technically I have 5 chapters written already but like I said, I need more points and I'm horrible about reviews (lol). Anyways, thanks for the review!
ahaha they're really easy to miss when it's your own work! someone just commented on how I wrote something about "the cold that was chilly" or something silly like that
yea, the formatting thing kinda sucks for c/ping, but I usually upload them from word documents! I don't know if you are able, but I'd recommend that since it transfers all the formatting when you post them and doesn't usually mess it up too badly!
you're welcome!
Yeah but the thing is I only have a Chromebook :] no microsoft for meeeee
Hi! So here are some things that I noticed:
I think that 'wake' is repeated too often. Perhaps the first 'wake' can be replaced for 'disturb' or something similar.I saw that you said
I think something might have accidentally gotten italicized, That sentence comes up in italics, and I don't think you meant for it to be.
Here, The phrase is actually "turn for the worse" although it sounds very similar!
Other than those things, I really liked the story! I feel bad for Cleo, and I like Noah and Cleo's relationship and how you demonstrated that through their text messages.
Anyway, thanks for sharing! I can't wait to read the next chapters!
Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to make those edits.
Also, not sure if you got confused there or something but it was actually Raine who was texting Noah, not Cleo. Raine, Noah, Caleb, and Riva are all a group of friends. Cleo is one of their classmates
I can see how someone can mix them up I have so many characters in my books lol
Sorry! I knew that, it was just a little mix up in my brain when I was typing my review!
Lol it%u2019s okay
Lol it%u2019s okay
Lol it%u2019s okay
Lol it%u2019s okay
Oh my goodness i have no idea what just happened there
Haha it%u2019s okay!
Hi everyone! This is my first chapter posting on YWS, hope you like it! More chapters will come out as soon as I get more points