Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Health

12+ Mature Content

;-;

by NastyMajesty


TW - depression, attempted suicide


Can't feel

cant feel
but i want to
cant cry
  laugh
     frown
       smile

there's just nothing
nothing at all

"Just accept it
It's normal
You're fine"

but the world around me has fallen into chaos
almost as if there's nothing worth living for
each breath is futile
but i just keep breathing to no avail

not feeling is second nature
it's the only way i know how to live
"tell someone" but they never understand

someone do something, please
to make it all stop hurting
it's killing me how my mind
is making me feel so worthless

i want to feel
to laugh
to cry
to LIVE

but how do i feel without being numb?

how do i live without being dead inside

This year
time. it's going so slow
things scraping and cutting like claws
can i just go?
and put everything on pause?

stuck under the ground
just waiting to sprout
i feel so wound
like im about to shout

why? just why?
why are people people?
why is there so much hate?
so much darkness?
where is the light?
why won't it shine?
it's darker than night
and i feel so blind

I scream
i can't find a gleam
dark clouds looming over
all the brightness being covered

it'd be a miracle if i could make it through this year
with all the shame
the fear
the pain

Let me go
let me go
stop holding so tightly
i don't want you

leave me, please
stop squeezing my heart.
begone; you're not welcome here

stop it
stop tying me into knots
just screw off

GO! LEAVE ME ALONE!
stop suffocating me.
leave me be.

stop shrouding me in your dark
stop stealing the light
give it back

Get out of here
anxiety, stress, sadness, darkness
i hate you.
why won't you ever learn?
i said you're not welcome here
so please. leave me alone. 

Gone
numb
     black
           nothing
                blinding

they say it'll get better
but it's not
it's still the same
with all the pain

not gonna lie
it feels incredibly crappy
a whole day full of "whys"
when the heck am i gonna be happy?

sleepless nights
a head full of thoughts
and when i finally drift off
cue all the fricking frights

sleep; a thing that's supposed to be peaceful
torn to shreds-- twisted into horrible things
my worst fears coming true before my eyes
my closest loved one dies
and when i finally have a good dream
i wake up, knowing it'll never come true

what happened to innocence?
a toxic-less mind?
laughter, happiness-- a world where people were kind?

I don't know
it's all gone

I'm not fine
wake up, after a sleepless night
worrying, thinking
you have to get up
as much as you don't want to
it's fine, you're okay

plaster on a smile
a peppy attitude
pretend you're alright
they'll never know. you're fine.

go about your day
covering up the black hole inside you
tired as heck
try not to cry
you'll make it through, it's fine

quietly shut the bathroom door
before peeling off your mask
and crumpling down on the floor
breathe. pretend it doesn't hurt.

fake laughs. faux happiness.
it's fine. they don't know.

You're not fine.

Won't
make it stop hurting
making me feel worthless
i'm so hurt under the surface
it all feels so cold
i want it gone
but how do i stop it?

if it's going to be dark
then let me sleep
without the fear of deep pits
let me sleep forever
don't wake me up

let me fall
let me drown
i can't fly
i won't swim

i can't do this
i'm so over it
but i don't wanna go

i want it to heal
but it just won't

i won't go
going up the stairs
i can barely breathe

When you’re hurt under the surface

i collapse on the floor halfway up
what’s left of my heart-- pounding

like troubled water running cold

keep going. Crawling up.
trembling in the darkness
laying on the floor.
alone. alone and shaking

so, before you go

get up, gripping the railing
it’s alright. just jump… it’s okay… it’ll all be over soon

was there something i could’ve said to make your heart beat better?
if only i had known you had a storm to weather

stop. just stop. don't do it. not yet.

so, before you go
was there something i could’ve done to make it all stop hurting?

it kills me that your mind can make you feel so worthless.

no. i don’t want to go.

i
won’t
go

just breathe
just breathe.
stop overthinking
stop panicking

just breathe.
don’t let the hole in your chest
grow any bigger

just breathe.
calm down
forget about it

but i can’t breathe
I can’t stop
it’s impossible not to think about
all the crap that’s wrong with the world today
without it hurting so much

I just want to breathe
without the pain

Note: this is all based on my real life experience



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 1611
Reviews: 25

Donate
Sat Dec 05, 2020 5:40 am
View Likes
FireEyes wrote a review...



Maryah, you know I love you so, so, much. And you showed me these poems before but they will never not rip at my heart. Just thinking about you never being able to laugh with me ever again honestly scares me so much. But you just have to remember that, "Gotta have opposites, light and dark and dark and light, in painting. It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in awhile so you know when the good times come."-Bob Ross. And you need to learn that it's fine to not be okay. You need to let yourself cry. Even when you think it's a sign of weakness, it's not. You have been strong for too long, you are not weak. Crying is a privilege to get to know when others need help and support. Imagine if we couldn't cry, we couldn't be humans. But sometimes feeling anything is a struggle. You are just trying to go through a dark and endless tunnel. Life is like a treadmill. You are putting so much effort into moving but you aren't making any progress. But that tunnel had a start so there is bound to be an end. if you end it prematurely, you have no idea how much more you had left. The battle with depression is a war you have to win each day. But there is a difference between feeling depressed and being clinically depressed. And to think all that was happening in a week. All the worst thoughts seem to stay for years when in reality its just a few day. And sometimes it seems like yesterday is a year ago. You are struggling to feel anything and I understand that even when it seems like no one could understand. I'm here for you. And you are ashamed of not being what people expect you to feel. We have no control over our emotions even if it seems there is a way we can get them to bend to our will, we can't. Depression is like drowning. You don't want it to happen but at some point you just have to accept there is no way out. But there is always a way out. There are people who care for you. And fun fact, when you have nightmares it is a way your brain faces fears you are too scared to deal with when you are conscious. So when your brain has been exposed to the bad stuff that might happen, you can face the fear head on and solve the anxiety it was causing you. The amount of energy it takes to keep the mask up is so much that you can barley do anything else. So when you are finally alone, fatigue hits you like a train. So what's the harm in just showing you are depressed in front of strangers? They don't know you were peppy before. But family and friends are so hard to confess how you are really feeling because they knew you before and you don't want to show them the "new" you. And sometimes waking up is the worst part. You don't want to be conscious anymore. You just pray to never wake up, but you do and it pisses you off but you can't be mad. That's extra energy wasted you could be using to hide your depression. And when you want to end it all, and you are seriously going to do it, even the smallest thing can make you realize that life has things that are worth living for. It can be friends, other's experiences, or song lyrics in your case. For me it was friends. I didn't want to think of the pain I would cause them if I left for good. even if I wouldn't be there to care, I cared at the moment. So I stopped. Sorry for this being so long, I had been wanting to review it but didn't have the right words. So for whoever is still reading, I hope you don't make a final decision.




NastyMajesty says...


<3 thank you so much dude love you too



User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 718
Reviews: 38

Donate
Fri Dec 04, 2020 12:55 am
View Likes
LilPWilly wrote a review...



I can tell this is really you.
not feeling is second nature
it's the only way i know how to live
"tell someone" but they never understand
Not anymore. I understand.
For a decade I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me alive was my extreme fear of pain. I had a disability that made me extremely sensitive to touch. If I didn’t, I would have bashed my head in with a rock at age ten.
Anxiety is inescapable. It’s so dang pervasive. Maybe not as bad as I thought it was though. Four years after I converted to my religion and escaped my dad's abuse, I met a girl that seemed to love life. A girl that was afraid of nothing. She wanted adventure and romance.
I couldn’t deliver. She left.
Come to find out she had suffered anxiety too. No wonder she could look into my eyes with pure understanding and love. She rocked my world with a glance, and though my memory of her beautiful smile faded, I will never be the same again. Who knows what God has in store for you?




NastyMajesty says...


thank you so much <3



User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 41
Reviews: 18

Donate
Fri Dec 04, 2020 12:29 am
View Likes
lillianna wrote a review...



hiiiiii i’m finally here to do a review. i hope this is helpful i’m not super experienced in this area ;-;. and omg there’s so much. ok let’s go:

starting off with “Can’t feel”: ok first of all that hit close to home. i think this one is super relatable because it describes how our generation feels under the pressure of society to always be happy, so we always put on these masks. i would like to see a little bit of imagery, but i think even without it the poem paints a beautiful picture. good job!

second, lets do “This year”: AGAIN SO RELATABLE. that is a great angle to go for when writing poetry. and oh my goodness the imagery was beautiful. just the way you described the storm. aHHHH i’m fan girling. 1000/10 i will always remember this.

next, “Let me go”: this hurt my heart to read. i can feel the emotions from the words, i can feel the pain from the writer. are you and i leading the same lives because i feel like everything you are writing is just, ugh, so relatable. sorry for using that a lot. amazing. no criticism.

ok this is the last one for today, i’ll do the rest tomorrow, “Gone”: not gonna lie, this one’s flow is off. i feel like this one is a less forma approach, and i think it’s more raw. i do like the formatting, however. reminds me of the first poem. i would have chosen different wording, but we probably have different styles of writing. the poem all follows the same vibe.

for the first four, amazing job! it’s very clever to post a bunch of poems together tehe. keep writing, you have so much talent!!! <333

~lulon




NastyMajesty says...


THANK YOUUUU <3



User avatar
63 Reviews


Points: 685
Reviews: 63

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:42 pm
NastyMajesty says...



pls review or comment reviews are super welcome i want reviews okay good night




User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 557
Reviews: 52

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:29 pm
View Likes
hannah0528 says...



That was really good. It was descriptive, and that is what people should read if they want to be able to relate to people with depression. Everyone can relate to the craziness that is going on in the world today. Covid, Blm rioters, election aftermath and everything else. Just keep in mind: it will all be over soon. Trust me, it will.




NastyMajesty says...


<3 ^-^ thank you for reading
also, a belated welcome to YWS :]



hannah0528 says...


Thanks for the welcome!




A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles