Published April 30, 2010
The sun had reached its zenith,
And the king had arrived at his crosseth,
Where traitors had longed for days,
To mingle and maneuver their ways,
In a crescendo of hate,
To a diminuendo of fate,
He suffered in Roman,
And treated like a no man.
Stripes bore on his back,
Giving rise to destiny's crack,
Crowned in thorns,
Master of manipulated norms,
Three sixty minutes,
Full torture in crates,
And for a single moment,
Genesis of a comment.
There may be sterner trials than this,
But what a critter could bear all these,
No friend left in heaven and earth,
Every prince of darkness left his hearth,
Sparing no arrows,
Creating all harrows,
How wrong Satan was,
To think God was loss.
He was heard in his deepest woes,
Helped though not in hoes,
Despised and afflicted,
Now honored and respected,
Will you listen to his knock?
Or shun it as a mere tale of folk?
For he bled for your confession,
And granted us salvation.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I really liked this poem. I loved how the words rhymed. Though I also have to agree with the the first comment about it sounding kinda forced, but all in all this was a really good poem! The metaphor's were really cool too.Please keep writing you have a real talent for it!
Hi, Naserian!
Then I'd definitely know who it was. (Those are my favorite lines, by the way.)Sorry I didn't review this sooner- I haven't been on YWS for a while
Like Isha and A.S., I thought the rhymes were a little forced, and if I didn't know it was Jesus I'd be a little confused... That is, until the end when you say
This line: doesn't quite make sense. When I first read 'in Roman', what popped into my mind was a language, like saying 'in Spanish' or 'in English'. When I think you were trying to say that He suffered by the hands of the Romans, right? Or even, He suffered for the Romans.
All in all I really enjoyed this poem. Keep it up!
~Mel
Thank you!
yes, I know some rhymes are a bit forced...I will definitely work on that in my next poem. Thanks again for the review!
I agree with Isha; some of the rhymes sounded a little forced. Despite that I think it was a good. I could totally picture it all in my head.But, if I had never heard of Jesus before I probably would habe been a bit confused. I am asuming that you ment it for people who have at least heard about him though.
I really liked it.
A. S.
Huh...that was pretty good!
You had a pretty good rhyming scheme going, although some of the rhymes sounded slightly forced.
The rhythm is good and the metaphors are quite original. I think it's a very good start! It flows well and I gotta give you props for that one!
I enjoyed this!
Thanks for the read!