Published July 7, 2011
Clatter, clatter
Gun shells hit the floor
And gun bullets tear the air
Screaming
Ripping the wind and
Distorting the breeze.
Ten hit a soldier,
An enemy,
And betrayer.
He falls, blood soaking his chest,
Like a disease,
Or a virus.
Dripping, it spreads rapidly to the floor.
His friends fall around him,
Like skittles,
Like cannon-fodder.
Bodies turn to graves and graves turn to dust,
Wild plants, twisting and turning,
As war twists and turns
Leaves lost,
And soldiers lost,
New stem,
And new advances.
Retreats,
Skirmishes,
Infantry,
And territory.
Etched out,
In graves,
In plants,
In the shape of the world.
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Canary word: Present
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139,404 Literary Works • 672,552 Reviews
This poem has all the qualities of an amazing poem: raw emotion, a good word flow (though that could use a tiny bit of work), it captures the essecense of the war, the grammer was good, you captured every point from the bullet leaving the barrel and shells clinking on the ground to the point where the graves are a mear part of history and nothing more. There was nothing I didn't like, it was a very, very good poem and I would recomend it to anyone.
Hey,
I really liked this. You don't find many works like this. You showed lots of raw emotion, which I love. Maybe you could have used the word 'and' to make it flow a little more. Grammar was good, and overall I really liked reading it.
Thanks- my allegiance really lies with story telling in prose; this was simply scribbled for an English assignment, but your words are both helpful and encouraging.
Too short, and painfully concise - it was a nice idea, but you didn't make it work perfectly well. I could suggest you do something about the one-liners, but to be honest I don't have any constructive criticism to present you with. It did have a lot emotion, but I feel you could have put it across in a more efficient way. Keep working, you've got the head for writing.
Hi there!
I like your poem! It reminds me of the Beatles song, "Strawberry Fields Forever". It gives me that sorrow feeling, kust thinking about the death of all the soldiers, and how their families are going to have to deal and live without them. Awesome job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
Thanks a lot, man.
I agreed with you on the "and" front, a few of those would definitely make it smoother, thanks.
I liked this, I fell it captured the feelings of those who were in those wars or those who can remember them. However, it's very raw, you may want to change some of your wording, and add 'and' in some places to make it smoother. Overall, you can see I didn't have to nitpick anything, so I have to say good job!