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Cursed Beauty (Chapter One) (Maybe)

by Nameless_And_Shamed

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67 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 67

Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:36 pm
AngelBaby88 says...

It sounds familor(lol) overall its pretty good just need a few line breaks here and there...keep it up. :wink: Jaylynn

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798 Reviews

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Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:50 pm
Areida wrote a review...

Hmm... very interesting. As soon as I saw the paragraphs all smooshed together I almost left, but for some reason the opening line caught my attention so I kept reading. Having said that however, it makes it a whole lot easier of people's eyes when there's a space between paragraphs.

Okay, so since this is pretty short and I feel like nit-picking, I shall!

I checked myself in the bulky lounge mirror, poofing my hair into place one last time and looked at the old mahogany grandfather clock by the front desk, 2:19 a.m. Just enough time to get there, I thought before I rushed out the glass doors and into the cab I had called for not 12 minutes before. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling the warm material become cold and shuddering a bit from a draft I had received. It was a moonlit night, chilly, of course being March in New York City. I glanced to the other side of the street and saw two homeless people huddled together by a burning trashcan. I felt sorry that anyone had to be out in this horrible weather. I opened the bright yellow door of the cab and slid in.

Okay. The first line makes sense to me, but in an odd way. Maybe you should say "checked my hair" or "checked my lipstick" or even just "checked my appearance." But if you want to leave it, it's probably fine. The 2:19 a.m. is good because it gives us more of an idea of what sort of places she could be going to, as well as the setting in general. Having the time placed after the comma gives it a sort of run-on sentence feel to me. So maybe a period after "clock by the front desk" and then maybe make "2:19 a.m." it's own sentence. Another things: Do you recieve drafts? I liked the first part of that sentence because I know that feeling when you go outside and your jacket gets cold, but instead of recieve just say something like "and shuddered a bit from a frigid draft" or something like that. Oh, and always make sure to italicize your characters' thoughts. You may have done that in the original document, but when you copy/paste here, you have to go back and add the bold, italics, etc.

I smiled at the driver, who looked only about 23 or maybe 25 and said, "Broadway and 12th." The cabdriver nodded in the rear view mirror and turned on the meter. I looked out the window at the now quiet city, which usually was all hussle and bussle these days. I slightly smiled at the thought of Gothem being so peaceful. I was also wondering why hardly any one was out, at even this time of night.
The cabdriver started to drive off and we soon came to a red light. He looked back at me and I saw something in his eyes, but shook my head and decided to ignore it. He was very handsome for a cab driver, dark brown hair, with a mysterious look on his face, like you could never tell what he was actually feeling.

The first sentence sounds like you had a couple of ideas come to you at one time but you didn't want to leave anything out. I would try something like this instead: "The driver was young, only about twenty-three or maybe twenty-five. I smiled at him and said...." Also, I believe hussle should be hustle as well as Gothem should be Gotham. Okay, now that right there was what really, really caught my attention. Can this perhaps be a Batman story? Because if so, I'll probably be coming back. Batman's just cool like that.

The description of the driver is pretty good, but I think you could spice it up a bit, maybe add a distinguishing facial trait or something.

"Where are you headed at this time of night?" The cabdriver said with a slight British accent
"Oh, nowhere special." I replied and tucked my hair behind my ears. I felt the cold silver of my earring and instantly pulled my hand away. Feeling like my hand just got a burn; I rubbed it slightly and continued to look out the window.
We started moving again and the driver glanced though his mirror, "What number Senna?"
I panicked. I must have said my name when I called for the cab. On the other hand, I was just talking with him, surely I had said it then.
"1425, thank you.” I responded sounding a little edgy.

First line, "The" should not be capitalized, though the British accent is a nice touch. Don't forget your period there at the end. That earring must have been pretty dang cold. Though slightly overdone, I think that was a good thing to put in because it added to the sort of creepy underflow you've got going there. The whole name thing was good too, because it made me think he was going to abduct her or something, but the way you left it made me think that we hadn't seen the last of this guy.

We made some small talk for a while, mostly about the weather, of course. After awhile, we rolled up to the club, all lit up and the cabdriver said, "$21.72, if you don’t mind."
I reached in my purse and grabbed my wallet, opening it, getting a twenty and a fiver. I handed the money to him.
"My name is Riles, if you ever need a cab for any reason."
I responded quickly, "Well, Riles, it was a very enjoyable cab ride, thank you." And opened the cab door, stepping out into the brumal, snow-covered street.

Grammatical error: Should be "a while," not "awhile." I would change the phrasing on the club line, because the "all lit up" seems to refer to the cabdriver and his passenger, LOL. Confusing here: "And opened the cab door, stepping out into the brumal, snow-covered street." Maybe: "I opened the cab door..." and did you mean "brutal"?

I walked straight to the front of the line, my heels clicking with each step and smiled at the massive bouncer who always wore black with sunglasses. So movie like, I thought to myself, as he checked me off the list saying, "Hello Miss Bernoulli, I’m glad you could join us tonight."
"The pleasure is definitely all mine, Mr. Hamilton,” I smirked as I admitted to myself that I always had a little thing for him.
He unhooked the velvety-red rope and a warm breeze blew on my face as another man opened the gold doors. When I stepped into the club, someone took my coat and I immediately saw people that I was aquatinted with and started to walk over to them. I felt someone grab my hand and pulled me towards their body backwards.

Don't forget those italicized thoughts. The line after "the pleasure is all mine..." should probably be rephrased. "I smirked. I'd always had a thing for him." or something like that. "I immediately saw the people I was acquainted with" seems too wordy, and if they're her friends then it seems kind of silly. Reword here: "I felt someone grab my hand... body backwards." Maybe something like: "Someone grabbed my hand and pulled me backward toward their body."

He startled me by whispering, close to my ear, "Miss me?”
I smiled and turned thinking it was Patrick, my boyfriend. When I glanced upon the person’s face, I suddenly dropped my smile and grabbed for my hand back.

Add a comma: "I smiled and turned(,) thinking it was Patrick, my boyfriend." "Glanced upon" is kind of odd. Maybe: "When I saw who it was, my smile departed and I tried to pull my hand back." Or something. Actually, snatch would be better here for how she's feeling right now, but I noticed you use that later.

"Leave me alone," I said more calmly than I felt.
"Admit it. You don’t hate me half as much as you pretend to."
"Do you want to bet your life on it, Christopher?” I replied, gritting my teeth.
I glared at him, hoping he’d mistake my fear for anger and go away. He did not seem to be getting the message, though. I hoped he could not see how rapidly my pulse was beating in my throat . . . or that if he did, he didn’t mistake it for something it was not.

"I said more calmly than I felt" might make more sense as: "I said, sounding more calm than I felt." And then right after the ellipses, I would lose the "that."

The music got louder, I snatched my hand away, and ran to the nearest door I could find. I opened the door, ran though, and slammed it shut. I breathed heavily, leaning against the cold door. I found myself outside and looked down both ways, taking the alley to get to the subway. I shivered and hugged myself even tighter, my handbag banging against my side as I walked faster with each step. I heard a crash against a trash can behind me and quickly turned around.
“Ahh, we meet again.”

Maybe: "As the music grew louder, I snatched my hand away and ran to the nearest exit." Or door. Either is fine, really. Okay, but there are way too many "doors" in this section. So maybe: "I ran outside and slammed the door behind me, breathing heavily as I leaned against the cold door." But "I found myself outside"? Did she intend to stay indoors? Must have taken a wrong turn. Okay... so maybe tweak that because it sounded to me like she intended to get out of the building, though looking both ways is always a good thing. :wink: Pretty good cliffhanger here. It leaves you wanting more, but you probably could have given a bit more before you cut off.

So, overall, very nice work. I hope I helped and I can't wait to see what you have planned for this. :D

People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage