Young Writers Society

Hewo, I'm back for another review.

I really liked this dark poem. I really relate to this on a spiritual level and I just loved the way you put it into words.

I do want to say that there was a mistake, 21 lines down when you say, "The is no hope for me." I am pretty sure it is supposed to be, "There." Forgive me if I am wrong but,, I loved the way it flows and I just, agh, I just don't know how to put it into the correct words.

I am so very sorry for being a weirdo, anyways, I will just sum it up since I suck ass at talking. I really liked your poem and I really hope you keep writing because it truly was wonderful.

Much love,
Jade

I think this poem is really well done. Though there are quite a few false rhymes such as devil and evil, and poison and illusion. But otherwise, I think this poem is very well written and the message behind it was very well portrayed, especially since most of it was in metaphorical terms.

You almost start to fear for the narrator as you're reading it. It entices the reader, especially when they can relate on a personal level. I love it. Absolutely fantastic.

Keep writing, my dear!

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i would first like to say how this poem kinda reminds me of my friend. She used to cut (like i think that is why is happening in this poem) and she would never tell me otherwise, so basically she had a demon inside herself trying to escape but couldn't.

Since most poems need something fixed, here is what i think you might need to fix about this poem:

poison/illusion I think you thought that these two words would rhyme since from what I can tell, you used end rhyme for very stanza but this one doesn't really rhyme that well.

out/antidote Again, this two words don't really rhyme that well together. (maybe you are using words that sound the same, I am not sure)

There is no longer is a "we" This stanza seemed to confused me. Where it says, -is a "we", you said -is twice in that sentence. maybe take out the second -is and that would sound better.

Since most poems also have some amazing things about them, I would think this one has many. This poem uses some amazing end rhymes examples beast feast and how you are trying to run away from the demon within you, but it will never leave. Like i said before, my friend went through the same problem you went through (hopefully you got over it)

Farewell,
CapitalMonday

Hello there fellow poet, it's thePoeToaster43 here, with a review of this piece.

At first, I wasn't feeling it as a rhyming poem. I thought it would've been better if you had avoided rhyming at all. Then, as I read further and further into it, I began to see why rhyming was indeed a good decision to make for this work.

All together, it's beautiful. I love the concept and the way you played it out. (I'm sure you know by now that most poets on this site can truly relate to this work.) You've done a good job, not only describing the emotions, but also describing the thoughts. I also believe that you've done a pretty good job describing a demon. (Not that I would know what it feels like... hahaha.)

But again, great job! I loved it.

Good Luck To You!

Hi, I'm Howl.

I really, truly like this poem. It is something I can relate to. I do think that something should be used to connect "I may have turned criminal" and "Bars won't hold me". It just doesn't seem to fit right with each other.

hello there, a quick review on your awesome poem!
I really liked the part at the end of the poem even though at first I felt the rhythm at the end of the poem appears as restricted. I mean the poem seems confined by the rules that you create in your poem. I liked the idea and I'm very impressed.

The knife drawn across flesh

The blood wells up, so fresh

That one escape

The tears slowly take shape

Bars won't hold me

There no longer is a "we".

Hey NafaKitty!
First off, never apologise for your work, whether it is dark or long or unperfected. It is as if you are apologising for your talent or apologising for being you. Now to your piece. I really liked reading this and I found it is very emotional. I don't believe there are many problems but I did find one small thing in relation to your rhyming scheme. Line 13 and 14 read:
"There is only one way out
I won't take the antidote"
And as much as I love this part, they simply do not fit. They do not rhyme but I understand that they are difficult lines to rhyme.
Look, overall I just love this poem and I am sorry you feel this way. I am glad that you shared this though. I couldn't help but cry because I can relate.
Good job. Keep writing.

Sincerely, Gia2505 a.k.a A Freak