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8015
Kingdom of Ta'lune
July, 28
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The dead of night.
Peaceful
Elegant
Wonderful.
It is a wonder why people are scared of the dark or, more correctly, what's in the dark. Not the case for the King Ivan. He is a warrior from a great war, who simply fixed up the village he found. The castle he took over from rouges who tried to use the castle for drugs, and forced children to take them. They kept the queen captive and raped her several times, producing a new line of royals. The entire region was thrown into a famine and chaos. King Ivan rallied up all the force he could and trained them like Danes. Sadly the Queen was decapitated during the so call "war". He was a hotheaded boy, with a great level of maturity. He was only fourteen when he won.But his one weakness was Seithens, he couldn't train one, until his daughter came along about two years later.
Eyes of Jade...like her mother. Skilled with weapons like her father. And beautiful as the butterfly. Delicate as a flower...
=
"King Ivan!!! Queen Isabel... she has gone into labor!" The head guard alerts the king. They rush down the hall to the queen's quarters.
"Where's my lovely queen!?" The king yells looking at the blank bed.
"She is now in the nursery...your majesty." Says a frightened hand maiden.
King Ivan rushes down the hall and makes it into the room. He catches a glimpse of his wife's pained face as he is quickly shooed out by the midwives. They come out of the room with two little bundles. "Your wife is very tired, it would be best if you let her rest." one midwife says handing the king a baby.
"Trust me I know you men are already thinking about teaching em' how to ride dragons, but too bad, you've got two beautiful healthy girls."
His face became over-joyed, but one midwife...had a very longing look on her face.
"Why aren't you filled with happiness!? Your Queen has just given birth to two miracles!" The king boasted. Staring at each bundle. He noticed that one of the babies had a long black birthmarks along the leg and up one arm.
"I am happy your mahjesby... it's just a bad omen-".
"What, what omen? I've never heard of this omen. Humph"
"The first born, has a normal face, the other has a black birthmark on its arm and legs that looks like fire. It is said that- ow!" The lead midwife hit her over the head and scolded her on scaring the king with "nonsense" she reassured the king and went on her way. She had another delivery to get to. Plus two more checkups in the morning, Nurse Lee will stay nights at the castle for two weeks, since the queen was quite early, she will monitor the babies and the mom.
She glides back in front the nursery door, to heat some fresh goat milk up for the fussy babies. Mom's milk hasn't come in yet. Nurse Lee pulls on the heavy door and it won't budge. A hand places over hers and the door swiftly swings open, she whirls around to see Jake, a towering guard at the castle and old friend from childhood. Jake wore a helmet, covering his brown curly locks that are tied at the nape of his neck, on his broad chest he wore the crest and colors of the kingdom, an indigo and purple wind dragon. His breeches were a little shorter than they should be, because of his height. She jumps into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. She buries her face into his firm chest. "He still smells of the barn..." she thinks to herself. They swing around a few times then quickly part, lowering their eyes and blushing. Soon the rather awkward moment was over.
"I haven't seen you in so long. I didn't know you were a guard. I'm so happy for you.
"And I didn't know you were into midwifery...I guess you forgot to mention that I guess a lot can happen when you leave in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, or leaving a note. But anyways, I have to go. Like something you love to do." He shrugs and briskly walks on his way. He wipes a tear from his cheek and breaks into a jog as he turns the corner.
Jhin looks after him for a while until a cold draft reaches her and she shivers. She hurries into the nursery and grabs the bottle of milk from the freezing windowsill, and turns to the fire place. She jumps and drops the milk, the glass shatters and the milk splashes all over Jhin's uniform dress.
"I'm so sorry for frightening you, I was feeding the blaze, and I got cold so I moved to my couch. My servants are useless, I rang several times, oh look at your dress, and it's ruined. I'll get you a new dr-" She heaves, trying to get to her feet. Jhin rushes over and sit her back down.
"You really shouldn't be up my Queen-" She said as she raises her hands in defeat and lays back on the couch. I pull the blanket up over her. Turning to the blaze I see she it's obvious she had no idea how to feed it. Jhin tosses some logs in and crouch down and poke it. I pick up a handful of coal and throw it in. She dusts her hands and stands up. She turns on her heels and glides over to the door and heaves the heavy door open. Jake was walking down the hall, Jhin calls out to him.
"Hey, guard! Fetch some servants for the queen"
"How many?" He responds.
"Three."
The servants eventually come, but the Queen had nodded off. Jhin motioned to be quiet then issues orders. "clean that up, you stay here and keep the queen comfortable, you get me some milk." all three dip their heads and go off to their chores.
"Jhin, how old are you dearie?" The Queen stirrs
"I am about to turn fourteen your mahgesdy" She boasts nodding her head enthusiatically.
Servants enter and I pick up the milk, a water bulb and water orbs. I pour the bottle of milk in a bowel and sprinkle a pinch of grinded minerals and nutrients I walk to the fire and pick up a fire bulb,To put it lol on the table
Jhin back to the King with the bottles and heat them up. She turns around and picks up one of the babies.
"Midwife what is your name?" He asks gently to the timid midwife. "He says feeding the baby
"Nurse Lee, Jhin Lee"n no
The king stands and puts the sleeping baby down in its crib. He takes the one Jhin was holding as well. The king takes Jhin by the arm and stands her up. He takes her to the seperate, but conjoining room, and motions for her to sit down on the bed. He leaves the room for a bit and comes back with a beautiful moonstone. He hands it to her and she stares in awe. Ivan removes his shirt and crawls up behind the midwife and begins to kiss and lick her neck. She quickly stands up and pushes him away. He takes her into his strong arms and puts his hand up her dress. She moans pleasured."p please... stop..."he continues and reaches for the ties,she slaps him and runs into the other room,wiping away a tear. one of the babies began to cry. she walks briskly to the crib and naturally began into rock it. She fell asleep so jhin put her down.
"Do you know how many heirs i could have by now?"
"No sir."jhin jumps at the sound of his voice.
"five. the general amount of children i should have at this age, we have had seven so far, only two have survived this long. The thing is that on her generation the babies rarely survive, if they do they will be sickly their entire lives, such as Isabella. Thats why she hasn't even asked for her children. She got to attached to the last batch, the triplets, two boys and a girl. So she will likely not care if these live or die. She has a year left before she is impure..." He says leaning on the wall. While he was talking the other baby let out a scream,so jhin picks it up.
"im sure you will meet plenty other women. You're a king" Jhin says, gently walking around, bouncing around softly singing a little song her mother sang to her when she was little:
One sip makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tallAnd if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
the little whit rabbit
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small
White little rabbit, White little rabbit
falling down the rabbit hole
She places the baby back down.
"You are right. I will find other women and that woman will be you." He says smugly
She opens her mouth to object but Ivan lift his hand to silence her.
"You will be mine."
"Yes sire I understand." She bows low.
"Now will you please elaborate on about these omens? Nurse Lee."
"I really shouldn't, it really is just nonsen-"
"I don't want to command you..."
"Alright well, you know Shaman Sentiel right? He told the tales of birthmarks and for years, yet only one the first born, has a normal face, the other has a mop of white hair and a birthmark on her face. It is said that a black birthmark is the sign of struggle is the past life, A Dane shadow queen was killed when Saxons invaded a village,they sliced her face and body then hung her from the ceiling as a decoration, lit her on fire then left, leaving her body to be discovered by other Danes. AND the last part is always the worst, this baby has been born with a scar and two..." Her voice fades away.
"two what?"
" genitals, sir, two genitals" She responds timidly. He suddenly stands up and exits the room. She sits back down and rocks the baby in the rocking chair and nodded off.
"What did he say will happen to this child?"
"The children will be born in twos or threes, as most of her decedents were. The twins with the mark of Lilua'hana will become the greatest and most renowned trainers, but if the child is to harnesses the power of Lilua'hana, a loop in the time of Gorfoons will arise." She continues on.
"Are the four ears a and two genitals normal mark?" He unwraps the blankets of one child and sees that she has hair like his and her mother's but she has four tips on her ears. two on each side, Looks like a general elven child but with two more ears, He slowly unwraps the second baby and drops his head when he sees she was forming a scar across the right side of her face, as if she had been cut. It makes its way starting on the left eyebrow and going right across her face, stretching down he neck and down her back plus legs.He holds his daughter close and tears fall onto his cheeks. He sets the baby down and stands up glancing at Jhin.
"Of the decent of Lilua Hana, yes." She jumps back as the king storms out of the room. He bursts into the queen's chambers.
"..No! why didnt you tell me!?" Ivan shouted, yelling at his wife, tears streaming from in his eyes.
"What iet'asar, my love, are you talking about?"
"That you were the decendent of Lilua'hana! You have cursed my kin for eternity!" He shouts, slamming his fists on the table, shaking with rage. "DAMMIT ISABELLA!!"
"I know, but you know we couldn't have gotten married my love if I did!" Isabel stammers frantically.
"Do you realize what you have done? You are lucky not have your head on a pike! This is unacceptable!" Ivan screams the veins in his neck were bulging and his face red.
"I realize that but- i thought you would understand. wait- did you talk to anyone about this?" she asks
"What if I did? The midwifes already know it will be the talk of the land! The next headline 'Queen Isabella VI bears illegitimate twins, tortured and beheaded' right? "
" oh bother!" she rolls her eyes sighing.
"What? you knew about this and you think I wouldn't hear the gossip once my daughter is born illegitimate because she has silvery white hair!? Do you think me a FOOL? You are horrid a cheater. And should I not bring up that you were not a virgin when you married me! Fucking whore..." Ivan argues tears streaming down his face, he turns around and runs his fingers through his hair. He breaths deep. He sits in a chair near the fireplace and hangs his head low,"I trusted you..." he whispers sadly. Queen Isabella crosses the floor to the King.
"Ivan, no.. iet asar." she says soothingly holding his face, "Calm down, nothing will happen. No prophecy can change our fate, we will hide her and pay off the midwifes." She begins coughing violently and falls limp.
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Vocab: iet asar- my love
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello there, Naenaerom246, and Happy final hours of Review Day!!
It is a wonder why people are scared of the dark or, more correctly, what's in the dark. Not the case for the King Ivan. He is a warrior from a great war, who simply fixed up the village he found. The castle he took over from rouges who tried to use the castle for drugs, and forced children to take them. They kept the queen captive and raped her several times, producing a new line of royals. The entire region was thrown into a famine and chaos. King Ivan rallied up all the force he could and trained them like Danes. Sadly the Queen was decapitated during the so call "war". He was a hotheaded boy, with a great level of maturity. He was only fourteen when he won.But his one weakness was Seithens, he couldn't train one, until his daughter came along about two years later.
The way you start with one phrase and three words, all on different lines, is awesome. It sets a pace and tells me what the main emotions and looks of this story world are. But then this paragraph destroys the pace- it is too long and has too much happening in it. This is an easy fix, you just need to break it up! Since it covers many years, you could have one paragraph for each main event.
"I am happy your mahjesby... it's just a bad omen-".
This scene is pretty good. I can see that the king is very sure of himself- very kingly. The interaction between the midwives was well-suited to the era you seem to have set this in as well. Just watch that typo in 'majesty'.
ake wore a helmet, covering his brown curly locks that are tied at the nape of his neck, on his broad chest he wore the crest and colors of the kingdom, an indigo and purple wind dragon. His breeches were a little shorter than they should be, because of his height. She jumps into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.
Be careful that to stick to one tense. In the above chunk, you've switched from past to present.
"No sir."jhin jumps at the sound of his voice.
Read through and check that there are capital letters where they are needed. For names and the beginning of sentences you need capitals.
She begins coughing violently and falls limp.
That's quite a cliffhanger! The whole argument (if I can call it that) between the King and Queen was great. The king was quite fast to react though, I guess he's just worried about his reputation and lineage. Thanks for adding the vocab at the bottom, did you make up that language yourself? It's cool!
Thank you for the advice and ill take it to heart. Ill be posting an update soon
Hello,
Wow. Lots to say about this one.
First, the positives: You've got a very intriguing world set up here. I like it; it's curious. The characters are also interesting, or could be, from what we've seen so far: Jhin, the royals, Jake... all of it. Seems to me you put time into crafting this universe, these characters, this story, and I respect that. I do think there would be cool places for you to take this. I also love the imagination and thought that went into it. Big, immersive fantasy worlds such as this, with distinct characters, are a real treat, and you seem to know your way around that environment.
Now for some constructive criticism.
The writing needs a lot of work. You make almost every mistake in the book: switching from present-tense to past-tense repeatedly, leaving off punctuation inexplicably, forgetting to capitalize... all of it reeks of an author who won't edit—or even reread—their work. And you have to reread and edit your work; it's an absolute must if you want to write anything, but especially a fantasy epic such as this. Must, must, must. And don't just reread/edit it once, do it several times, until you can't stand to do so anymore. (At which point, you should post it here for us to look over, or give to some other pair of fresh eyes.) That will go a long ways to improving your writing and helping fix these many, many mistakes. (And by "many," I mean innumerable, I mean vast, I mean mountainous. And I'm not even being hyperbolic right now.)
The pacing also felt off, and it does not feel like a prologue. Like, at all. This is way more information than a prologue should give, in my opinion. Save some of that for the first chapter! Hell, the first five chapters. Don't just burn through all your exposition and plot-setting before chapter one even begins.
And don't be afraid of punctuation and capitalization—yes, grammar might frustrate or annoy you at times, but without it, no one will want to read your work because it'll be an incomprehensible mess. Think of it this way: grammar is the only thing that will keep your readers sane. Do you want to drive us crazy?
Anyway, here's some more advice and nitpicks and such:
I actually really like this as an opening line. I think it's one of the more clever touches of this story. But I'd put a dash after the first "dark"—before "or."
This is very confusingly written.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hit the brakes. This is your FIRST PARAGRAPH of your PROLOGUE. Don't tell us all this now! And, when you do lay the cold-hard facts on the ground, don't do it like this, in an obnoxious info-dump. Do it with subtlety; ease it into the story. Otherwise you'll overwhelm your reader.
I know it's tempting to use a bunch of exclamation points when a character's shouting, but it's not really correct to do so and doesn't do much to enhance the line, either.
The T in "the" should be lowercase. When a bit of dialogue is followed by "he said" or "she said" (or, as in this case, "the guard said"), the first letter doesn't have to be capitalized.
Q in "queen" should be lowercase.
Okay, so I can see someone pronouncing "majesty" as "mah-jesty," but I'm not really getting the "jesby" part. Typo?
Well, regardless, I think "mahjesby" would be a great name for the comedic sidekick in a Disney movie and/or a band. Chew on that and get back to me.
The period after the dash/quotations isn't necessary.
You forgot the period at the end of this.
First: I believe "on scaring" should be "for scaring." Second: Run-on sentence here. Add a period after "nonsense," then capitalize the S in "she." (Or, alternately: add a semicolon after "nonsense.")
Switch the period after "to" to a comma and connect it with the following sentence. Then change the comma after "morning" to a period, and commute the comma after "weeks" to a semicolon.
I'd put this part in parentheses.
Run-on sentence. Also, the way you state how they know each other is kind of clunky.
Another run-on! Additionally, you don't have to describe exactly what a character looks like as soon as they come on the scene—and if you do, keep it brief (e.g., "he was wearing a ridiculously-bright shirt and aviator glasses with a cunning smile").
You could probably get away with using quotes to represent thoughts, but the usual standard is italicizing them instead, to separate thoughts from dialogue. A bit clearer that way.
I call this bit, "The Case of the Missing Quotation Marks." (Because you forgot the closing quotations marks.)
What?
BURN!
This line is so ridiculous that I'm not sure if should applaud you for it or criticize. Thinking... thinking... okay, I'll criticize.
They just embraced—hell, she jumped into his arms and he swung her around—like literally two seconds ago, and now he has all this simmering resentment and hostility. (And he's also expressing it in an incredibly juvenile way—not that I'm necessarily against that, if he's meant to be a juvenile character who always expresses his anger in an infantile way, but if he's not, then you may want to change his demeanor a bit.) Because of the fact that they just had ~a moment,~ this whole I-hate-your-face shtick feels kind of sudden and not very believable.
This description strikes me as quite odd. I have this image in my head of a big, barrel-chested guard, dramatically wiping a tear as he gracefully trots around a corner, hair flowing in the breeze and a wistful look on his face. Very melodramatic. So, if that's not what you were going for, you may want to change this bit. And if it's exactly what you're going for, well, high-fives all around, soul sister.
So you abruptly start referring to this character as "Jhin" for the first time with this line, and it's a bit confusing. We got Jake's name as soon as he entered the scene, and he was in this prologue for all of, what, five seconds? Maybe give us Jhin's name a little earlier to balance things out.
Run-on. Gotta watch for those; they're maddening to the reader. In this case, switch out the comma for a semicolon.
Okay, so it seems like Jhin's the one speaking, but then you say "she raises her hands in defeat and lays back on the couch," and it's extremely unclear who you're referring to.
(Also, remember: The S in "she" should be lowercase here, and so should the Q in "queen.")
You switch point of view here. You'd been writing consistently in third, now suddenly it's first. And you do it several more times throughout the piece. Back to third, please.
Jesus Jhin, give it up—he's not going to forgive you!
Also: here's an example of what I was talking about with the tense switches. See how you wrote "was," which is past tense, then "calls," which is present? Luckily it's an easy thing to fix when editing.
You forgot the period at the end of this.
Looks like you suddenly forgot about the art of capitalization. In any case, the C in "clean" and A in "all" should be capitalized.
"Stirs" is the correct spelling—one R, not two. Also, you forgot the period.
Ah, remember the days of child labor? Good times.
I'm still not buying anyone would pronounce "majesty" this way. Jhin's probably doing it just to be defiant.
Comma after "boasts."
I'll admit, I wasn't expecting the term "lol" to make an appearance in this prologue, I really wasn't. In fact, if you'd told me about this beforehand, I probably would've said you were crazy, that "lol" would never fit this type of old-timey, kings-and-queens story. But you sure proved me wrong!
Anyway, in other news: There should be a period after "nutrients," you switched again to first-person, and there needs to be a space between "bulb" and "to." Also, you capitalized the T in "to" for no discernible reason.
Huh?
"Midwife" is repetitive.
This line is just sorta marooned in the middle of the story, for some reason.
???
HOLY EROTICA, this just turned into a whole other type of story. Um...
Sense is not being made.
(Side note: "She Moans Pleasured" would also be a great name for a band. If you want to team up, PM me. I don't play any instruments but I'm willing to do promotion and backup vocals.)
So many things wrong here that I can't even be bothered to point all of them out. Just know that this sentence is incorrect on many levels, and I'm aware of it.
What did capitalization ever do to you?
Also: the fact that she replies to him, then jumps at the sound of his voice is a bit odd. I feel like it should be the other way around, don't you?
I'm not following that logic.
God, I really hope you're not trolling me right now. Either way, I think I'm gonna call it quits on the nitpicks. Reason being: there's so, so many that it would be quite the uphill battle to explain and quote them all, and I feel I've done a pretty good job thus far. I'm walking away, ya hear me? I GIVE UP.
Anyway! Overall, I think this could be an interesting novel, if you work on the issues I mentioned (and yeah, I know there's a lot of them and it can be intimidating). I'm still seriously disturbed by the king's thwarted rape attempt, especially considering Jhin's fourteen. I'm also confused by a lot of this prologue. But it has potential, buried beneath a sea of poor punctuation and tense/POV switches...
So keep the faith!
I want to thank you for all your help thats why i got on here! i read this with an open mind and thank you *warning* my grammar wont be any better on this reply hahaha,
on your comment about ''I am happy your mahjesby'' i spelled it wrong on purpose due to her illiteracy.
i absolutely LOVE the way you explain the errors but not come off as over powering.
you use comedy to explain and i understand your confusion! there are MANY rookie mistakes and i feel sorry for you that you had to clear some of these things up.... *facepalm*
when i got to your comment on the king's rape attempt i HAVE to clear some things up. i guess u should make that clear in the book huh? in these days thirteen is the age when girls go out and get jobs, they get married around fifteen and generally have babies around seventeen. i had mentioned the king was only 14 when he obtained his hierarchy. since these people in this book are set so far in the future a new type of human has developed, they mature very fast but live for hundreds of years at a time. um you said somthing about the queen and how she had triplets. um let me clarify, the queen has had many miscarrages and many still born babies, the last batch were triplets, and they survived for the longest- 3 months she had thought they would live only to have them die last minute, she got very emotionally involved with these babies and had her heart broken. So, in order to not get hurt as bad, she puts a wall up and blocks this set of babies off, thinking they were to die soon.
on this comment The entire region was thrown into a famine and chaos. King Ivan rallied up all the force he could and trained them like Danes. Sadly the Queen was decapitated during the so call "war". He was a hotheaded boy, with a great level of maturity. He was only fourteen when he won.But his one weakness was Seithens, he couldn't train one, until his daughter came along about two years later.
i know i know i know im terrible! just want to rush in so quickly! get my point across and keep writing ya know?
the lol in the story is NOT meant to be there. there are many things that dont make sense so ill try to clear it up and im glad you didnt name all of the errors or id be in trouble haha
i guess i kind of jumped the gun with the mature scene with the king and jhin. sorrrryyy! the point was that the king has just two girls, and all sets of triplets/twins before were girls;and he has always wanted boys, he figured, the queen is almost 'expired' per say and her can use jhin for the boys he wants. jhin is VERY attractive so i understan why he felt obligated to have her.
and thus... "p please... stop..."he continues and reaches for the ties,she slaps him and runs into the other room,wiping away a tear. one of the babies began to cry. she walks briskly to the crib and naturally began into rock it. She fell asleep so jhin put her down.' there are MANY things wrong in both literacy and morale and just wrong in general, the thing with this king is he pulls the 'no bullshit' card and does whatever the hell he wants when he wants. so if jhin were to pull the 'rape/ sexual assult card' then he would counteract with something like infidelity and both of which are terrible crimes in the story. so she couldnt say anything. so she simply goes back to her job as quickly as possible.
with jhin and jake... *sigh*complicated relationship I was hoping to get into later, turns out they were so very happy to see eachother and it was a warm welcoming until jake and jhin suddenly remembered what jhin did to him. he has all this pent up resentment and saddness against her from past years. letsjust say he is really caring about a very 'ungrateful fuck' per say. he gets overwhelmed with emotions and a tear slips away from him. hay! even big buff guards have emotion okay? but i guess i played him off as a little...feminine maybe in the edit he can cry in private?
'barn' is kind of an inside thing with them, they both grew up together tending farms and he so happend to work in the barn and her in the kitchen with her family. they were exceptionally close as children until they began to fall for eachother. they had a falling out and a lot happened
- 'I guess you forgot to mention that I guess a lot can happen' um that was meant to say was ' you forgot to mention a lot of things you like; such as midwifery, I guess a lot can happen in ( however many years)'
but again, i would like to thank you for all your help
this is exactly what i was looking for in this site! i have one question for you though how would you show how someone is stuttering? I use dashes generally but im not sure, anyways thanks again and maybe we can talk in DM sometime about our books huh?
thanks for the advice ttyl xo
It%u2019s been a while since I%u2019ve gotten a point-by-point response to one of my reviews, so this was quite a treat. However, it seems you%u2019ve misunderstood a LOT of what I was saying%u2014so I%u2019d suggest rereading my review a few more times (long and painful as it may be), to really understand the criticism.
But for simplicity, I%u2019m going to clarify a few points right here, right now. (I suggest you read this carefully.)
NO. No no no no, that was not what I was saying at all. It%u2019s perfectly fine that he shows emotion, and there is NOTHING wrong with femininity or with a man acting in a feminine way (although crying is definitely not feminine to begin with). My point was that the manner in which he sheds this tear was described to us (the readers) in a very odd, melodramatic way. There is a big difference between melodramatic and feminine.
Your description was disjointed, a bit cheesy, and unintentionally hilarious. But it%u2019s a sincere, sad moment%u2014you should write it as such. Which is why I was thinking that it should%u2019ve been phrased more along the lines of: %u201CWalking away, a tear dripped down his cheek%u2014he quickly swiped it away. Stiff-backed and with his hands curled into fists, his lip trembled as he rounded the corner.%u201D Something like that, anyway. Don%u2019t make him cry in private and don%u2019t take my comment in a way that wasn%u2019t intended. Men showing emotion or acting feminine are both fine with me and never, ever something I%u2019d criticize. But a poorly-written description I will absolutely call into question.
So you wrote a long explanation about Jhin%u2019s age and the king. Which literally means nothing to me at all. First of all, I already realized this book was not following the year 2017%u2019s attitude toward children and child labor and such. I made a joke about it, but it wasn%u2019t because I was confused. Second of all, it doesn%u2019t matter if in this world, fourteen-year-olds are considered adults. In our world, the world in which I currently write this reply, that%u2019s still hella disturbing, and hella creepy, so yes, I%u2019m going to be creeped out and disturbed by it as such. Even if this story-universe operates under a whole other set of principles, readers are still going to apply real-world, contemporary morals and principles to these characters, and thus be grossed out or pearl-clutchy about much of it. And that%u2019s fine! It%u2019s okay for your readers to be disturbed by something that, in your universe, is an okay thing. That doesn%u2019t mean your reader is misunderstanding something, and it doesn%u2019t mean that you should change your writing or storyline to make it less disturbing. (And I say that as someone who%u2019s also writing a fantasy novel that views age and children/teens differently than the real world.)
Now I feel I need to talk a little about rape and sexual assault in stories such as this.
To begin with, rape and sexual assault have a long, distinguished history of being used carelessly by writers to move a plot forward (see: Games of Thrones, almost every other book in existence). It%u2019s something TV shows, books, and movies have all been criticized or even boycotted for, and I suggest you read up on it to learn more. The fact of the matter is, this is a sensitive, complicated issue. Don%u2019t write about it unless you know you can do it justice, and unless you%u2019ve done your research beforehand. I was a bit concerned by how you portrayed it in this prologue, and while you might be gearing up to dive into it fully in future chapters, at this point it was brushed aside and dealt with in a way that felt very casual. There were even some worrying things you said in your response to me%u2014for one, rape and sexual assault is not a %u201Ccard%u201D to be played, and describing it in those terms, even if meant harmlessly, trivializes it and disrespects victims.
Basically, what I%u2019m saying is this: Unless you%u2019re prepared to research sexual abuse and violence and write about it in a way that%u2019s not careless or solely meant to advance your story, don%u2019t use it at all.
That doesn%u2019t really make any sense. Illiteracy means someone can%u2019t read or write, but it doesn%u2019t usually mean they can%u2019t speak properly or pronounce words. And considering Jhin works for the king and queen, I have to believe she%u2019d know how to pronounce %u201Cmajesty%u201D by now%u2014if just by listening to others say it or being corrected by someone else. She might not know how to spell it and she might not recognize it when written, but she%u2019d be able to say it just fine%u2014unless she has a speech impediment? Which is, again, a very different thing from illiteracy.
It%u2019s perfectly acceptable to use dashes. That%u2019s the most common%u2014and most %u2018correct%u2019%u2014way to demonstrate a character%u2019s stuttering.
Absolutely. And you%u2019re welcome to message me anytime with questions about this review, or grammar in general, or just to talk about this story. (I%u2019d also be happy to review the next chapter%u2014but I%u2019d understand if you don%u2019t want me to. Haha.)
Sorry about the weird symbols. Those are supposed to be apostrophes, em dashes and quotes, but a glitch destroyed them. Gah. Anyway, if you cannot understand the message in light of all the screwiness, let me know and I can PM you a version without the random symbols. ^_^
Okay,thank you and i completly understand what you are saying on the sexual assault and i shouldn't have phrased it so simply in my response, i have read up on it since my last response and realized that I CANNOT portray the king like that since i changes his attitude in the edit. but he ends up explaining himself and apologizing profusley for his actions but still wants jhin as his new queen. i actually didn't realize that i had edited more on my wattpad than on here. i went back and saw all these changes that i made following to posting this version. il be making an update if you would like to read it. im also breaking up the chapters to prolong the book i guess. and the symbols are fine i read around them.
This is totally random, but I like that little "iet asar" thing. Sounds nice when you pronounce it aloud.
I really tried to make this my own by adding " iet asar" i believe that i had looked up how to say my love in like twenty languages and kinda mashed a few together and made it flow easily.
Very creative