16+ Language

M stands for Mutant - Chapter 1 - Snowfall

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

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The cold wind rushed past the tent, that stood in the middle of the snow covered clearing. The trees that surrounded the clearing waved back and forth in the wind. The sound of footsteps through snow could be heard, even though the wind was howling. An old woman appeared in a small opening in the trees, she was headed towards the tent, holding something in her hands. When the old woman reached the tent, she spoke up in a raspy but sweet voice, 

“Snowflake dear, you awake?” 

There was a quick pause, then a voice said from inside the tent, 

“Yea, I’m awake sandy, give me a moment.” 

The tent unzipped and a head emerged, it was a beautiful young African American woman around the age of 17, snow white hair with tight curls. 

“Snowflake dear I brought you some breakfast.” Sandy said smiling, 

she handed over a beautiful, decorated breakfast platter. 

“Sandy, you didn’t have to...” Snowflake said, taking the platter, 

“When someone is living on my grounds, I care for them, you know that sweetie.” 

Snowflake smiled, while shaking her head, with a slight giggle. 

“Well, you must be hungry, I will go back to my cabin. If you need anything, you know where I am.” Sandy said, before turning around, heading home.

As Sandy walked away, you could hear the footsteps disappearing into the distance. Snowflake zipped up the tent and stared at the food. She looked beside her, where her gloves laid perfectly beside her bed, they were long black gloves that covered up to her elbows. She grabbed her gloves, as frost spread over them when she slid them on. After she ate, what was given to her, she grabbed her clothes and put them on. As she stepped out of the tent, she grabbed her trench coat, it was very long almost dragging across the ground when you walked. She put the hood up and started walking towards Sandy’s cabin, soon a small, but rather comfortable, log cabin appeared. Snowflake made her way to the door and knocked before opening it. 

“Sandy, is it alright if I borrow your truck?” Snowflake yelled into the house, 

“Yes of course my dear!” Sandy yelled back, masked by the closed bathroom door.

Snowflake quickly swiped the keys off the coat rack, and made her way to the truck, that was parked in the gravel driveway. Snowflake turned on the car, and immediately turned on the radio. The radio was filled to the brim with country music, but luckily for her that was her favorite kind of music. Driving down the country roads this time of year was bliss for her, the long wavey roads and cold breeze filled her soul, she rolled down all the windows, and let the cold winter air consume the truck. She was known as the ‘weird girl’ in town, no one knew why Sandy let her stay, some rumors were going around that Snowflake was a witch and had put Sandy under a spell. After all she was basically the only Mutant in town.

Snowflake rested her arm on the open window, as the car rolled into the city, she could feel the stares in the back of her neck. She parked the car in a supermarket parking lot, her car was all the way in the back, furthest away from the entrance. She rolled the windows up, and stepped out of the car, ice spreading on the door. She pulled her hood up, and stuck her hands in her pockets, as she made her way to the entrance of the supermarket. When she made her way in, her eyes scanned the room. Her hand instantly found a cart, and as she pushed it along, she went around the shop, picking up cheap instant meals.

Suddenly there was some loud commotion at the front, 

“GET OUT OF HERE YOU FREAK!!!” a woman yelled, 

Snowflake’s gaze immediately switched and focused on the sound. When her eyes focused, she saw a younger teen with big white feathered wings, currently getting yelled at by a wild parent. She had seen teens like her before, some even younger, after all the virus did target the kids. The parent was shielding their child with her arms, 

“GET AWAY! DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HER! YOU WILL INFECT MY CHILD WITH YOUR- YOUR DISEASE!!” The parent yelled, 

while the teen was slowly curling in on herself. Snowflake made her way towards the front, leaving her cart behind. Snowflake showed up, standing a few feet away from them, she put her hand out and said, 

“Hey- Hey! What is going on here?” 

The parent quickly whipped her head over and stared at Snowflake. 

“Why do you care!? Mind your own god damn business!” The parent yelled, 

Snowflake side stepped so she now was in front of the teen, who seemed pleased that she showed up. 

“I think the only one needing to mind their own business, is you ma’am. Please quiet down and leave.” Snowflake said calmly, 

the parent huffed and scurried off, with the child by the hand. While the child was being dragged away, they curiously looked at the two mutants, now standing in the middle of the store alone. Snowflake adjusted her trench coat and started walking off. 

“Wait! Sorry... wait for me…” The teen said, 

Snowflake glanced at them. 

“Sorry, I travel alone.” She answered, 

“No wait! Please… I don’t have anywhere to go…” 

“Fine.” Snowflake said, nodding her head towards the cart.

They made their way to Snowflake’s cart, that was currently half empty, because of the slight distraction. 

“What’s your name kid.” Snowflake said looking at the teen, 

“A-Annabella” the teen said. 

“No, your ‘name’, I don’t want that stuff.” Snowflake said looking at the kid, 

“O-Oh, I, uh… Feather...?” Feather said. 

“Right, Feather, stay close to me, do NOT stray away.” Snowflake said, 

as she started walking to the instant meals section of the supermarket. Feather quickly followed behind Snowflake, keeping her head down and her wings close to her. 

“You should really not be out in public here.” Snowflake said while checking the prices of some of the instant meals, 

“well- I- “Feather tried to say, before being cut off by Snowflake. 

“You know, stop stuttering alright? If you want to survive, you must be able to stand up to yourself.” She said, 

turning around staring at Feather who still looked down to her feet. Snowflake sighed cucking some instant meals in the cart, 

“Right, anyway, let’s get out of here.” She said, walking away with the cart, leaving Feather scrambling to follow along.

When they made their way to the parking lot Snowflake pointed to Sandy’s truck, 

“That’s mine over there, but we might need to get out of town, I don’t know how much you like the cold.” She said, looking at Feather. 

“Uh… Well… Not much no…” she said, looking at the rusty orange truck. Feather hesitated a bit, following a few steps behind Snowflake. 

She had never met another Mutant like her, she had always felt alone in a world filled with ‘normies’. 

Snowflake got in the driver’s seat and gestured to Feather to get in, Feather stared at the messy passenger seat, as Snowflake tried to move the garbage out of the way. Feather awkwardly slid into the seat, trying to hold her wings close to her. The car rumbled as Snowflake turned on the car, just quickly giving Feather a glance, as they drove out of the parking lot.

The car windows were still rolled all the way down, leaving the air to circulate through the car, Feather sat shivering in her seat, not knowing whether to ask to close them. Snowflake rolled up the windows, 

“I don’t bite you know.” She said, breaking the silence, Feather flinched, 

“I- I know…” she said quietly, looking out the now closed window of the truck. 

The roads slithered down the mountains like snakes going on a hunt, Feather had never really left the ‘comfort’ of the town. She felt a pit in her stomach, it was at this moment that she knew, she could never go back home.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Que
Review
Que wrote a review · Sat Sep 28, 2024 3:45 am

Hey there, NadjaWasHere!

Q here to review your work today. It's a really interesting introduction to your characters, and I like the contrast between Snowflake and Feather's personalities. XD It made me smile to see Snowflake's kind of tough love. :)

I think khushi17bansal already addressed how you could break the bigger paragraphs down a little, and I think that might help make the chapter a little more approachable!

The sound of footsteps through snow could be heard, even though the wind was howling. An old woman appeared in a small opening in the trees, she was headed towards the tent, holding something in her hands. When the old woman reached the tent, she spoke up in a raspy but sweet voice, “Snowflake dear, you awake?” There was a quick pause, then a voice said from inside the tent, “Yea, I’m awake sandy, give me a moment.” The tent unzipped and a head emerged, it was a beautiful young African American woman around the age of 17, snow white hair with tight curls. “Snowflake dear I brought you some breakfast.”

I don't know why, but I thought the opening was kind of ominous, and then was pleasantly surprised to see a nice old woman instead of a scary one! XD

She looked beside her, where her gloves laid perfectly beside her bed, they were long black gloves that covered up to her elbows. She grabbed her gloves, as frost spread over them when she slid them on.

I'm getting Elsa vibes! I like it! :)

She put the hood up and started walking towards Sandy’s cabin, soon a small, but rather comfortable, log cabin appeared. Snowflake made her way to the door and knocked before opening it. “Sandy, is it alright if I borrow your truck?” Snowflake yelled into the house, “Yes of course my dear!” Sandy yelled back, masked by the closed bathroom door.

I'm surprised that Sandy trusts Snowflake this much?? Especially with the context we get later, it seems like she would be kind but a little mistrustful. It would be interesting to see more of their relationship or if Sandy has a special reason to be overly welcoming!

She was known as the ‘weird girl’ in town, no one knew why Sandy let her stay, some rumors were going around that Snowflake was a witch and had put Sandy under a spell. But no one asked Snowflake why she was here, see a ‘Virus’ if you could even call it that, had swept the nation, tearing families apart. They called the misfits Mutants. The virus targeted the children, one in 20 children were affected. These children contracted some sort of manipulation of their DNA, which sometimes changed their appearance, and some even got “powers”. Snowflake was one of the unfortunate ones, receiving more of a curse than what others would call a “power”.

Ah I felt like this background information got kind of dumped on the readers here. It's definitely very interesting, and leaves me with sooo many questions as to what happened! But I really liked the subtle way you introduced Snowflake's powers, and I think that might be a good strategy for all of this background information, too. Maybe you could sprinkle it in by saying, "She was the only Mutant in town and it made people suspicious" or something, letting us wonder what Mutants are and how this has all happened until a little bit of a later point. Sort of like below:
When her eyes focused, she saw a younger teen with big white feathered wings, currently getting yelled at by a wild parent. The parent was shielding their child with her arms, “GET AWAY! DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HER! YOU WILL INFECT MY CHILD WITH YOUR- YOUR DISEASE!!” The parent yelled,

To me, this told me a lot without exposition! We can see that there are others similar to Snowflake, but in very different ways, and also that a lot of people see it as a disease or infection, whether or not that's true. And you could gradually build on that knowledge in little ways. :)

Snowflake adjusted her trench coat and started walking off. “Wait! Sorry... wait for me…” The teen said, Snowflake glanced at them. “Sorry, I travel alone.” She answered, “No wait! Please… I don’t have anywhere to go…” “Fine.” Snowflake said, nodding her head towards the cart.

Aww. Cuties. I do wonder about Snowflake traveling alone, though -- it seems like she has stayed or is planning on staying with Sandy for a long time? But is she on her way somewhere?

“What’s your name kid.” Snowflake said looking at the teen, “A-Annabella” the teen said. “No, your ‘name’, I don’t want that stuff.” Snowflake said looking at the kid, “O-Oh, I, uh… Feather...?” Feather said. “Right, Feather, stay close to me, do NOT stray away.”

I like the name Feather, but I guess it felt a little weird that Snowflake didn't care about Feather's real or original name? I wonder if you could be more clear about why that is, like if Snowflake named her Feather or if maybe she's changed since she used to be Annabella and that's not really the right name anymore. I don't know, sorry it's a little hard to describe my reaction to that section! I guess it just surprised me.

Feather hesitated a bit, following a few steps behind Snowflake. She had never met another Mutant like her, she had always felt alone in a world filled with ‘normies’.

Oh, interesting! I kind of expected the first chapter to stick with Snowflake's perspective, but at the end we kind of switch over to Feather's. It might be nice to have a little break when you make that switch, depending on how often you end up switching points of view! I wonder if in the next chapter we'll hear more from Feather and learn what her backstory is?

Also... how far are they getting out of town? Is Snowflake stealing Sandy's truck?!?!? Snowflake is such an enigma, it's hard to tell if she'd up and leave like that or what! So I'm curious as to what will happen next in the story. :)

I think you've done a nice job with setting up your story here -- we've got a new potential friendship, some conflict over how local people feel about Mutants, but we also know that whatever has happened to the world, it's not too broken -- there are still just normal people and trucks and stores. :) I look forward to seeing the next part! Let me know if you have any questions.

-Q

Hiya!

Thank you so much for the reply!

Oh god there is so much to reply to XD

Well first I am currently in the works with the next chapter, and I will say they are heading away from where they currently are, but to where? You will have to find out!

I got a quick question about the information I put in about the whole virus stuff, how would I sprinkle that in? it's like more world building (Which I love doing lol) and my brain is confuddled XD

Ah yes, sorry this was so long! You totally don't have to do everything or even anything I mentioned or suggested. <3 Glad to know you're working on more!

Oh about the world building, I was thinking just learning it a little more as we go along, rather than in one paragraph. Like, when you say, "The virus targeted the children," - I could see that fitting in when we first meet Feather! For example, in Snowflake's thoughts, she could be thinking, "She's so young -- but then again, the virus did target children, for some reason." That way it feels like it's sort of organically emerging from the story and we don't learn everything all at once, but it's also more enmeshed in the plot? Ahh I'm not good at describing this but I hope it helped. XD

I love the info you gave, it would just be cool to see it placed at key points instead of trying to get the reader up to speed all at once at the beginning, if that makes sense.

But if that's confusing, don't sweat it! I think you're doing a great job. :)

Sorry it has taken so long, but the next chapter is out! Just thought I would let you know :)

User avatar
canopy
Review
canopy wrote a review · Wed Sep 04, 2024 9:28 am

Image

Hello @NadjaWasHere Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.

Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..

What I can see


Well I think this first installment of yours is very interesting, I'm getting some X-Men, some Umbrella Academy vibes I feel like this could be a very interesting chosen one, 'villains' saving the world kind of epic superhero fantasy novel where all the underdogs band together that kind of thing. So, I'm rather interested to see where all this goes.

I like how you've introduced the two main characters while giving us a touch of backstory here, great potential for worldbuilding here and I like the icy setting, pairs well with your main character snowflake who seems to have Elsa powers! I am also quite curious about what exactly Annabelle's powers are, though I am assuming it's related to birds :D

So, it is a quite nice start to your story.

Under the magnifying glass


I have only one suggestion here, I feel like your paragraphs are too long and it would be better to space things out, really let the dialogue speak for itself. for example -

The cold wind rushed past the tent, that stood in the middle of the snow covered clearing. The trees that surrounded the clearing waved back and forth in the wind. The sound of footsteps through snow could be heard, even though the wind was howling. An old woman appeared in a small opening in the trees, she was headed towards the tent, holding something in her hands. When the old woman reached the tent, she spoke up in a raspy but sweet voice, “Snowflake dear, you awake?” There was a quick pause, then a voice said from inside the tent, “Yea, I’m awake sandy, give me a moment.” The tent unzipped and a head emerged, it was a beautiful young African American woman around the age of 17, snow white hair with tight curls. “Snowflake dear I brought you some breakfast.” Sandy said smiling, she handed over a beautiful, decorated breakfast platter. “Sandy, you didn’t have to...” Snowflake said taking the platter, “When someone is living on my grounds, I care for them, you know that sweetie.” Snowflake smiled, while shaking her head, with a slight giggle. “Well, you must be hungry, I will go back to my cabin. If you need anything, you know where I am.” Sandy said, before turning around, heading home.


can be changed to

The cold wind rushed past the tent, that stood in the middle of the snow covered clearing. The trees that surrounded the clearing waved back and forth in the wind. The sound of footsteps through snow could be heard, even though the wind was howling.

An old woman appeared in a small opening in the trees, she was headed towards the tent, holding something in her hands. When the old woman reached the tent, she spoke up in a raspy but sweet voice, “Snowflake dear, you awake?”

There was a quick pause, then a voice said from inside the tent, “Yea, I’m awake sandy, give me a moment.” The tent unzipped and a head emerged, it was a beautiful young African American woman around the age of 17, snow white hair with tight curls.

“Snowflake dear I brought you some breakfast.” Sandy said smiling, she handed over a beautiful, decorated breakfast platter.

“Sandy, you didn’t have to...” Snowflake said taking the platter,

“When someone is living on my grounds, I care for them, you know that sweetie.”

Snowflake smiled, while shaking her head, with a slight giggle.

“Well, you must be hungry, I will go back to my cabin. If you need anything, you know where I am.” Sandy said, before turning around, heading home.


I also noticed you have a slight tendency to overuse commas which can make the sentences feel too long at points, and this is something I relate to a lot, though I wouldn't worry about it too much, commas are tricky and it's a minor error. Whenever I'm writing I just keep in mind to use commas very sparingly and that does help me.

Closing the case


Overall this was a nice start to your story and very intriguing. Moreover I have a feeling, I may be wrong of course that the next chapter might be 'I stands for..... ixyz' so your chapters spell out MISFIT. Just conjecture of course, though I am curious to whether I'm right! :D

It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.

If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my alias, ahem, my dear friend @khushi17bansal.

Until next time!!

Image

“It’s always the person you least expect. Therefore, we can eliminate the hooded figure over there carrying Mrs. Noodleworthy’s severed legs as a suspect in the death of Mrs. Noodleworthy.”
—C. Auguste Dupin, “The Leg Bandit,” by Edgar Allan Poe

Thank you so much for the review! The title "M stands for Mutant" is the title of the novel! but I did like the idea of spelling Misfit :)

It took some time but chapter 2 is out :)

Hey! Thanks for letting me know! I'll be sure to read it when I find free time :D



If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber