A Collection of Diary Entries

These diary entries were written by one of my characters, her name is Eleanor McMillan Blackburn, at the time of her first entry she was 15, after her first entry her journal was put away and then picked back up when she was 21. Character photos will be posted on my wall :)

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18/12/1893

How do you start writing a diary entry?

It is weird, I do not know how to function.

Mama and Jackson are gone, they left me not too many hours ago. Daddy owed some men money; they came in the middle of the night. I woke up to hear Mama crying, as I walked down the stairs I saw them, they were holding onto her and Jackson, I could see tears rolling down his cheeks. Addie was there too, hiding behind Daddy, he was shielding her, as an angry man was yelling at him. I did not quite understand what he was saying, he had a very strong accent. Daddy looked scared; they noticed me when I peaked around the corner of the wall by the stairs. I tried to hide, but one of them grabbed me. Daddy yelled “LAD VÆR” he usually doesn’t speak our mother tongue in the new land, he said that we might do it when we become stressed or scared. He told us to try not to, because some people don’t understand, and it will make them angry. The man pointed his gun at me, as he pressured Daddy.

That is when it happened, the shots were so loud, my ears rang, I tried to hold my eyes as tightly closed as possible, but I couldn’t block out the screams, I think I screamed myself? I could not tell. The tight grip that held me in place released and I fell to the floor, quick heavy footsteps left the house, I think I heard around 4 sets? When I was about to open my eyes, my father spoke up “Ellie, Addie, do not open your eyes, keep them close alright girls?” my father’s accent is heavy, but it feels right, it feels at home. It was my calm in the storm.

Daddy told me I was old enough to be on my own, he sat me down and explained who the men were and why they were there. He had borrowed some money from some shady people, to try and keep the farm, they had come to get what they were owed, but he did not have the money. That was the reason why Mama and Jackson had to die, because of his stupid decisions. He told me to run, to run as far as I could, to get far away from here. He has packed me money, food, and extra clothes. He also booked me a train ticket, which is a couple days away from now, all I need to do is get to the train, it is about a day’s travel on foot.

I have already started the long track, and I think I have about 3 quarters left of the journey.

- Eleanor Winston

-- | - | --

Eleanor sits down at one of the tables in the bakery, getting out her journal from her bag. She turned to the first page, and put her pen to the paper, starting to write.

13/4/1899

God, this journal has been lying on my desk, I was told that it would be good to write down my thoughts. After all there's a lot of them.

There is a lot of things going on, I work in the bakery or more like own it, I am the only one actually working there, I have not seen Kara in a while, I guess she has been sleeping in. I do want to tell her the good news.

I may be pregnant, I am going back to the doctor today to get a check up.

Jeremy has been all over me, making sure I am safe, and not getting up to too much "shit". Though he has got me bored out of my mind. Joey called himself "Uncle Joey" yesterday. To be honest it made me laugh, joey is really kind to me, I was wondering if I should ask him to be my child's god father. He has the mind of a parent, always looking out for who he loves and care about. I am sure if one day if I am not here he will take good care of my child. Anyway enough of that.

This is good enough for today, I must stuck up the store.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat down in her chair in her room, in the mansion, watching the rain hit the window, as she put a hand on her belly. She pulled out her journal from the drawer in her vanity. She paused before starting to write.

18/12/1899

It has been weird. Getting to hear your little heartbeat."That's one strong little heartbeat"

Yesterday was eventful, Jeremy returned his badge, and is now officially my personal security guard. He is very protective of me, never wanting to let me out of his sight. But something had been bothering him, he keeps being paranoid, I don't know if it's just jitters of becoming a dad, or something else entirely. He wore his mask around Saint Denis yesterday. I worry about him.

But worrying is bad for the baby he says, so I try not to. He is just weird lately. He joked about being hung yesterday, I don't know what has gotten into him lately. It's probably nothing. I hope it's nothing.

I feel our baby, when ever I am around Jeremy, if feels as if our baby becomes restless, like it wants to meet him, meet me. I am so excited. Misty and me calculated my due date, she says it's going to be in the start of January.

I am so excited to meet you Jeremiah or Jemma, yes we picked names, I honestly can't comprehend that we are that close to meeting.

I am going to go lay down.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor stood on the balcony of the mansion, staring blankly out across the water, she turned and sat down in the chair by the doors to her room, pulling out her journal, starting to write, tears staining the page.

19/12/1899

This fucking asshole.

This careless, selfish, asshole.

He threw away his whole life, for what? Power? Greed? He threw away his family, he threw away me and his child, like we were trash. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly. I love him with my whole being, I will forever love him. But he is FUCKING stupid, that man turned himself in.

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND TURNS THEMSELVES IN WHEN THEY HAVE A PREGNANT WIFE????

The words were scribbled fast, barely eligible, the page wrinkling as the tears drenched it.

I am angry, I am sad, I am distraught.

He held the truth from me, scared I would leave him. Who does he think I am? I am not as innocent as he might think, does he not know the woman he married? Did I not tell him everything about me? Or did he just choose not to listen?

He told me to take care of this child, so I will use the down time to plan, I will make sure this child is safe.

My child will never have the same faith as his father, he will NEVER join the law, that ruined him.

I got to say "Goodbye" I could tell the mood was weird. I saw them come into town, with him locked up. They let him walk away with me, watching us of course. He told me he was sorry. That he was fucking sorry. That man, god.

I hate the law. They ruin families. They ruin lives.

I got a name though. I have a witness. Though they may be under protection, or under a different name.

Trust me.

I will fucking find them.

I will find and kill every single one of those motherfuckers who took my Jeremy away from me.

I will kill every single one of them who took my child's father away from me.

They better keep one eye fucking open when they sleep.

You have messed with the wrong fucking pregnant lady.

Law ruined my life.

It's time to ruin theirs.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

Eleanor stood, wiping her tears from her cheeks, looking out to the water, before loading her rifle carefully. She walked inside putting away the journal, leaving a note for her sister. 

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat on a bench by the park in Saint Denis, she held onto a tear stained handkerchief, she pulled out her journal and her pen, hesitating before writing.

20/12/1899

I do not know what to do.

I talked to Joey yesterday, he tells me he is going to fight for Jeremy, he says he will get a "stay of execution"? or something like that. I have no idea if it will work, I know a lot of people are after him. All of his crimes are federal Hemlock said. Which means Joey needs to be a Lawyer to be able to be his representative. I am scared.

I talked to Hemlock, and she took me and Joey to Sisika to visit Jeremy. He is a wreck, he sounded so happy, but empty at the same time. He told me he didn't want to fight it, that it would be safer that way. We asked him to, I think we got him convinced. I have no idea. I do not know what to do anymore.

I have not slept, I have cried, I have sat in silence, I have walked the streets alone, I have walked the streets with people I call friends, but all my thoughts concern Jeremy.

People check up on me when they see me, but I honestly don't know what to answer, I keep saying "I am doing the best I can", but am I really? I feel empty, I feel lost, I have no purpose anymore.

I will keep going for our child, that is the only hope i have.

I met up with Ila yesterday, we talked, I gave her the full update, or as much as I had. She asked me if we could break him out, but I do not wish to lose more people to those bastards. Jeremy warned me to not do anything stupid, but how can he tell me that, when he does it? I will not do it of course, I have people who will stop me, I have Ila and Joey, and surprisingly Hemlock. Hemlock is actually okay, I do not blame her, if she could do anything she would, sometimes I wonder if she is as broken as me?

Jeremy told me not to stress, it isn't good for the baby, but how am I not going to? Does he even know what he is saying?

I fucking hate this weird life I am living.

I sit in this hell hole of a town, wondering whether or not I will be able to talk to my husband another day. I sit here thinking of how I am suppose to live my life without the rock I built my house on. All because of how my husband acted in the past. I love him.

A tear dripped onto the page smearing the last line, barely eligible it says "I love you Jeremy", smudged with a small kiss mark beside it.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

Eleanor put the journal away looking up, wiping the tears with the Hankerchief.

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat on a bench in the telegrams office in Saint Denis. She pulled out her journal and started writing.

21/12/1899

Today is the day.

I don't have many words left.

What am I to do?

A lot of people have said their condolences, but it's weird, he isn't gone yet, yet everybody treats me like he is. I know there is nothing more I can do, but I so wish that there was. How am I suppose to act? What is one to do when the person whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, is suddenly at death's door?

Jeremy was a mess or at least I think he was. He was doing his weird thing with jokes again. Honestly that man. He is trying to make it seem lighter, but I know he is probably struggling as much as me. How am I to watch, stand there while they take my husband from me.

In another lifetime Jeremy, in another lifetime you might've been able to see your child. Our child might've had a happy childhood with his father. Now instead it is riddled with questions of who you were. Oh how I wished you would've thought about what you were doing. How I wish you would have stopped to think.

The world is so dark, it's so cold, you tell me something good will come out of it, but how can it be good without you?

I don't think I will be able to watch.

I hope it's quick.

I hope it's painless.

I hope I get to hold you one last time.

Feel your warmth...

The last dot is drawn out, and the page is not signed.

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat on the ground in front of Jeremy's grave, she looked at the feather, that was neatly placed on the headstone. She grabbed the journal and started writing.

21/12/1899

Jeremy is no longer with me.

I feel broken.

I feel empty.

My world has shattered.

I have guilt.

I couldn't look, I couldn't look at them shoot him.

It was too much for me to bear.

Ila was by my side.

Same with Joey.

Nothing will ever replace you my love.

My heart will forever remain broken.

The page was soaked from tears, and not signed.

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat on her bed in the empty mansion, she pulled out the journal and started writing.

23/12/1899

2 days.

2 days without my love.

It feels like an eternity already.

Everywhere is cold and empty.

People try to cheer me up, by getting me to do other stuff.

We found the guy who said all the nasty stuff that day, and dealt with him.

I guess that did kind of help the mood.

I customized my Lamats to match his, Joey did a good job.

They're called "Greed" and "Justice" now.

I plan on using them for those exact purposes. Eleanor paused for a moment, looking out the window at the lake.

It's been quiet.

It's been too quiet.

I miss your panic.

I miss your looks.

I miss your little quirks.

I miss you my love.

I wish I could say that I will see you soon, but we both know I am not allowed, and you would definitely kick my ass if I did.

I don't like my name no more, it reminds me of those I've lost....

Maybe I just won't use it.

Page was left unsigned.

-- | - | --

Eleanor Sat down by the grave, Carson by her side. She pulled out her journal, starting to write.

25/12/1899

It's surreal.

I realize that you are no longer here, but somewhere within me, a fire is brewing.

Joey bought me a house up by Annesburg, it's quiet up there, it has a great view over looking the coast. I made room for everybody, a double bed for me and Ila, and an extra bed for Joey. We make jokes that when the baby comes he will have to sleep on the rug. I try to stay strong, I try to not show my weaknesses. It's hard Jeremy. I fear that people around me can see the cracks I so desperately try to fix.

I sit here. It's Christmas. A time I once thought would be happy, filled with laughter, but instead it's filled with sorrow and cries. I thought we were gonna be opening presents together at this time, but instead I sit here alone, with no family, no gifts, no tree, no decorations.

This is the worst Christmas to date.

It makes me not want to celebrate.

Who am I even to celebrate with?

I am struggling.

I am struggling Jeremy.

Why did you have to leave me?

Why am I here alone..?

I told Ila, about the whole name thing. She told me to think about it. I told her to call me "El" or "Ellie". I can't deal with all this loss, that is tied to my name.

She understood me.

God I love her.

She knows.

She knows it's hard.

Anyway, this book is helping. Writing down your thoughts really does do a difference, it's a way for me to talk to you again my love. Even though I don't get an answer, I know you are looking over me.

You know. Your dad came to county looking for you. It was hard, I had to tell him, why didn't you write to him about it? Why must I- Why must I suffer? Why must I be the one to tell your loved ones that you are no longer here? Who must I tell now? I wish my family was still here. You had family, you still do. I had none, not until Kara found me, but now Kara is not around, and John? Who knows where that guy is. I have my found family. I have Joey and Ila. I am forever grateful to them, for taking me in, caring for me, in this time.

I must go now, I have to go back to Annesburg.

Bye my love.

Eleanor stood, she stepped up to the grave, kissed her hand and placed it onto the grave stone. A tear rolled down her cheek, and landed on the grave. She wiped her cheek and got up on Carson, patting him, before riding off.

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat on her bed, glancing over at the fireplace that filled the small cabin with warmth. She glanced over to her window sill, looking at the burning candle. She grabbed the journal from the mantle, she shuffled further onto the bed before starting to write.

02/01/1900

It feels less heavy, knowing that you'll be coming soon.

Eleanor wrote, before looking down at her belly.

You will be loved, you are already loved by many. Even if I sometimes don't realize it, you will be protected by so many people. Yes they still look at me with pity, but won't they always do that? Knowing who your father is.

But I can't wait, no, I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms, to finally see your little eyes, to finally see how much of him you bear.

I heard your heartbeat yet again, it filled me with warmth, but also some sort of sadness, sadness that is only explained in grief. I am sad that he never heard it himself, I am sad that you will never get to see his little panics, hear his laughs, and oh my god... That accent of his. I miss it.

Sometimes it feels like I hear it, but I know it's just the wind, the wind that carries his spirit. 

Eleanor hesitated before signing the page, staring a bit before actually signing it.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat in her bed in the small cabin above Annesburg, she glanced over to the crib, to the tiny little red headed bundle, nestled within it. She grabbed her journal off the mantel and started writing.

05/01/1900

Today was the day.

You know I thought I would kill the time.

Actually be productive, so I went to Blackwater to finally redo the sign on the stable, but no, that was all but a dream I couldn't achieve. You decided to surprise me, when I least expected it. My water broke in the stable, so I sent a bird out for help, Dr. Anders came running, it was actually impressive how fast he arrived. Anyway I don't want to go into details.

When I got to hold you for the first time Jeremiah. My whole world seemed to move in slow motion, everything around me became quiet, only focused on your features, your tiny little hands grasping out towards me, that bright red hair of yours. Those deep eyes. Oh god... You have your daddy's eyes. Filled with as much curiosity as him. I see him in you. Oh how you are gonna look like him when you grow up, just remind me to never allow you to get a mullet. I don't think I could watch you look like a mini him running around.

A lot happened in your first day, you got to meet Anders and Leo. Leo was all over you, always asking if she needed to hold you, and oh my she did. You are a charming little fella.

I cannot explain the warmth I felt, the hope that filled me, but at the same time, I felt an empty feeling in my heart. Anders asked me where your father was, it was hard not to fully break down, but I simply gave a short answer "6 feet under." he felt like an asshole, but it's okay he didn't know, honestly I have come to peace with it, or at least I think I have. I don't really know.

But I can't worry about that anymore, I have a child to take care of, and what a time to be born.

Jeremiah, you don't know this, but you've been born in the middle of a giant gang turf war. I will do everything I can to protect you darling. Joey told me to stay in Annesburg, and that is what I am doing, I am staying put here, with you, I will not go anywhere near any other towns, I am staying here.

Here with you.

Oh, how your father would have loved to meet you.

Maybe one day I can take you to meet your daddy.

For now let's rest here.

Eleanor stood walking over to her window sill, grabbing the candle placed there, lighting it.

This is for you my love.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor angrily started scribbling in her journal as she glanced over to the sleeping Jeremiah.

05/01/1900

I actually can't believe the nerve of Marsh.

He is the reason I got uprooted, the reason I must hunger down and hide.

Why can't he leave me out of this? I thought we were actually friends, that this stupid war wouldn't mean that I was put in harms way."Guilty by association" They said, how fucking stupid.

I knew when I chose this life, that the family I chose to keep around me would be pulled into my matters. It's the consequences of our actions, but to go after a new mother, and her new born child. That is too fucking far.

He threatened that next time, he would take my hair, make me an example.

I have to do better.

I have to do better for Jeremiah.

That is why I am hungering down, that is why I am barricaded in this house.

But if they come for me, I'll be ready, I'll protect him, like I swore to do when I first looked in those big eyes of his.

I'm going to stay here, and protect my boy.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

Eleanor stood up from her desk, walking over to the small makeshift crib, she picked up Jeremiah, holding him close.

"This is only our hideout for now, we'll be home soon enough." She whispered as she looked out the window at the lake.

-- | - | --

Eleanor picks up Jeremiah, who reaches his hands out towards her, she holds his hand, before looking around the cold quiet cabin, it didn't feel like home, it felt like a prison. She glanced down at Jeremiah, and gave him a soft smile, as he cooed. She sat down in the slightly uncomfortable couch, grabbing her journal and starts to write holding Jeremiah in one hand.

06/01/1900

I've been moved again, I get it, Marsh knows where the mansion is, it was only a matter of time before he found me.

I'm nestled in a cabin in a forest, it's not that far from home, but it feels as if I am miles away. I want to be at home, I want to lay in my comfortable bed, instead of being in a house I do not own with people who I haven't really talked with, though they are friends and family of Joey, I feel like a stranger. They do what they can to keep me safe, and I am forever grateful, but this cabin is cold, it's lonely.

I have been hiding for way too long, it already feels like an eternity, Joey said before that I have my own free will, but when that free will is being threatened by a gang, I don't think I really have a choice. They will hunt me down just to get to Joey, they already did it once, I won't be surprised if they end up finding me.

For now I will stay here, hopefully someone comes and visits me in this form of exile, it feels as a form of torture, I know people go crazy being alone for long periods of time, I saw that with Jeremy. At least I am not totally alone, I have my child. My little light, in this dark time. I am grateful for the people protecting us, and I am grateful for the people I have met, I just wished it would have been under different circumstances. 

Jeremiah starts crying, Eleanor looks down starting to rock him, while humming a Danish lullaby, rocking him to sleep hushing him quietly.

I can feel Jeremiah is uneasy too, he has had a wild first day in this world. This world is a horrible place to be as a defenceless little baby, it's harsh and the people are cruel. I had hoped I could shield him from the horrors, but I guess I bit off more than I could chew.

If Jeremy would have been here, he would have gone berserk, shooting everyone in his way, if it would have meant me and Jeremiah would be safe.

God Jeremy, I could really use your strength right now.

I could really use you right now.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

Eleanor stood, putting Jeremiah down in the makeshift crib, she had made from a random crate she found and some pillows and blankets. She kissed his forehead, smiling down at him.

"I'll keep you safe. I promise." She whispered, as she glanced out the window to the forest.

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat down at the table grabbing her journal starting to write.

08/01/1900

The cabin is still cold, but it is better, I guess.

I got to leave for a bit yesterday, honestly when my visitors came up I didn't know they were coming, so I did almost threaten until I saw who it was.

They took me to town, and I finally got to talk to some actual people.

It wasn't long, but it was enough, I also got to see Ila, and I am forever grateful.

I have also gotten permission to decorate the cabin.

I am very excited.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat down on the new bed, she had gotten for the cabin, grabbing her journal starting to write.

09/01/1900

Yesterday was amazing.

I "sneaked" out to town, made a new outfit so people couldn't recognize me, and to be honest it actually worked! Not even Joey recognized me right away before I mentioned that I had a baby at home. Jeremiah was sleeping, and I wasn't that far, so I decided to just stay in town for a bit. I met up with Eleanor, and we talked for a bit about everything that had been going on, and she gave me a cradle board, so now I can strap Jeremiah to my back, which is so much more comfortable.

Jr. and Truett also came around, it was Truett's birthday so I of course wished her a happy birthday, though I also asked if they could watch over Jeremiah for a bit, as me and Ila wanted to go on a little trip around, as I wanted to see some more than just boring old Annesburg. It was actually so nice.

I enjoyed myself.

But I am still here in this cabin, they said yesterday the war was still going, but I have a feeling that it might come to an end soon. When? I have no idea, but hopefully very soon, I am bored of this stupid cabin, and locking doors.

For now I will rest, and maybe soon I will be free.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor sat down on her own bed, in the cabin, grabbing her journal starting to write.

12/01/1900

It's been some time, I finally got out of hiding after the war ended, and I am now free to roam where ever.

Jeremiah is starting to look more and more like Jeremy, I can see it in the way he acts already. Taking just after his father.

After the war ended, I talked to Ila, we are both furious, not at the people that fought the war, or why it was fought, but at the people who decided going after our children was a good idea. We sat down together, made a plan, put that plan into action. I can now say that I am the leader of "The Mama Bears", I swear to protect my family, to protect those who need protection, and to free those who need freeing.

I got to talk to Bo a couple days ago, and we came to an agreement that we should be allies, friends. After all F.O.E is family. We are a band of 5 now, it's me, Ila, Truett, my sister and Hazel. I am proud of the girls, they look stunning in our colors. I will protect them to the ends of the earth, no matter the cost.

I found my sister on the same day that we decided to make "The Mama Bears", it was weird, I didn't recognize her in the beginning. It had been so long, so long since I last looked her in the eyes, last I saw her she was 12, not even a teenager yet. I see her now as a strongheaded woman, with a power that burns brightly in her. When she laid her eyes on Jeremiah, she swooned, picking him up and caring for him as if she was his mother. I missed her dearly, the thought that the family you once knew could be dead, had haunted my dreams and thoughts for years. I have some sort of closure now, now I wonder if father is still alive somewhere?

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor held the picture in her hands, turning it around and writing down.

14/01/1900

Circa 1900, from the left: Henry, Hazel, Eleanor (Jeremiah), Joey, Ila, and Jr. She secured the picture in her journal, starting to write.

Family is everything, I am grateful for the family I have chosen, for those I keep close, and for those I am yet to know. Jeremiah is my little ball of energy, his little babbles and coos are so adorable.

Me and Joey got talking last night about him, about how when he gets older and is running around, how I was gonna dress him up in small little overalls, cowboy boots, a flannel, and a little cowboy hat. Make him my little cowboy. It got me laughing. I still grieve Jeremy, but it feels much less heavy now, I feel as if my heart might actually be healing slowly.

I have my battles with some people, but I do believe I got them settles, and by people I mean the crows, but I do enjoy Ellen's company so I am not going to do anything, I may have been reckless, but I have not been thinking clearly. I have been working too much, sitting still for too long, I just need to take a minute to ground myself. I am a person who thrives in high stress environments, but now I have to thrive in the quiet moments as well. I will figure it out, hopefully I have people who can help ground me, I guess Joey can. Who knows.

Anyway.

These are some of the people that I refer to as family.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

-- | - | --

Eleanor locked the door to the cabin, looking down at her key, smiling softly. She sat down at the table, pulling out her journal, starting to write.

20/01/1900

It's weird, finally feeling safe in your own home. I finally got the locks fixed in my house, which makes me want to stay here more. Jeremiah is growing up so fast, I can bearly believe my eyes, how much he takes after his father. I feel emptier than usual, seeing him grow up, seeing him look more and more like Jeremy. It honestly hurts.

I try to distract myself, throw myself into my work, both with the Mama Bears, but also just the stable. Walking into his stables, it feels foreign, it feels like something that isn't mine. It was his baby, his dream. I hold onto it, grip it with my claws, in the hopes that it will bring me some of him. I know deep down that it's hopeless, he is gone. I have come to terms with the fact that I will always be the broken woman that I am, I know that I will probably never be able to let him go.

Joey has been teasing me about Bo. He thinks we have something, but we don't, or at least I do not think we do. I am not ready for anything, I am not ready to move on. I don't know when I will be. If I will ever be ready. Bo is amazing, but we are friends. He helps me get distracted from my chaotic mind that keeps showing me those moments of that day. I have been helping decorating both Bo and Joey's houses, it's weird decorating mansions when you have a small cabin in the woods yourself. Though I will say I find my cabin way more cozy, it's small and therefore there is not a lot of empty space. It makes it less daunting when you are alone.

Eleanor M. Blackburn

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For a while the journals dwindled, but maybe they will start up again soon?