Translucency

Well, I've read all of the other review of your song and I have to say, I don't agree with them a bit. Sure, your song was good but it was chunky and out off beat. Everyone seemed so caught up on the typos that I think they missed the fact that the words were jumbled and that almost every single line rhymed. So, with all due respect, I would like to take the time to tear apart your song and tell you what I think needs fixing.

NaRachel wrote:This one's a bit different... bit unsure about the chorus :/


You disrupted my breathing pattern so badly Okay, well this is an interesting introduction to the song and it had me hooked but I don't see what it has to do with the rest of the song. It is irrelevant to the next few lines. Also, I don't think the word "badly" is strong enough. You could definitely choose a much more powerful word to get your point across stronger and clearer.
That now I breathe in fear like a drug I don't know how you imagine this song sung but in my mind the lines are too long to be a rap which means that the chunkiness is a problem. You usually want at least a semi-consistent rhythm to your lyrics. I tried singing these words aloud a few times, heck, I tried saying these words aloud a few times and I found myself stuttering over syllables. So, flatten it out. Get rid of the words you don't need and, if when you read something aloud you find yourself tripping over a word try to use a different word that means the same thing. You can't get lyrics perfect in one go, it takes a repetition to perfect them.
And nothing this big ever fades completely
No one's grave ever gets undug Okay well I have a few problems to point out with these two lines so let us first start with the grammatical/spelling issue: Undug isn't a word. And there is a reason for that you can't undig something. Putting the "un" in front of dig would make the word mean the opposite of dig, which would mean "bury." So, some words that you could use instead of "undug" would could be "dug up" or "uncovered." However, I see why you did not use those words, they did not rhyme. Which leads me to my next point.

There is absolutely no point in rhyming every other line in lyrics. Sure, it sounds good if a few lines are rhymed every now and again but when you are rhyming constantly it doesn't only kill the meaning of the song but makes it a tongue twister for the singer. Take it easy, rhythm is more constructive than rhyming. Rhythm sets a pace to the song and gives the listener a sense of the mood of the song all rhyming does is blur the words together. I'll spit out a bit more about rhyming later.



But can you try to help, give me a hand up
Or a huge lift from under my arms This line is chunky and offbeat. I would try to say the same thing using fewer, but more powerful, words.
You were the one that was there when I stuffed up
You always said I could do no harm Well, I might as well finish my little rant about rhyming now. This is probably one of the most important things you have to learn about song writing: [color=#0000BF]Don't let the rhyming get in the way of the meaning of the song. Your words are too simple and vague. You need to use words that are more in-depth and vibrant. For example, I don't have any idea what you mean by "stuffed up" and from what I can tell the only reason you used those words was to rhyme it with "hand up." A good lyrics are not created by rhyming but by filling your words with emotion and intensity-- florescent vibrancy and color or dark and sever scolding. What your song is about is up to you but don't let the rhyming get in the way of the writing.[/color]

But

You weren’t bullet-proof
When I pelted bullets at you
You aren’t awkward-proof <-- Another example of forced rhyming taking away from the meaning of the words. What the h*** does awkward-proof mean. To me it is like a huge brick wall standing in the middle of your writing.
When you try to avoid me
You aren’t made of bricks (lol speaking of brick walls)
Like glass you are Maybe you should replace "are" with the word "I," just a suggestion. see through
And I can feel it when you see through me

Translucency
Let our eyes, eyes meet
Translucency
Let our eyes, eyes meet It would be great of you to expand this just a little bit more.

In this safe little place
That’s been torn up by this war
I see it in your face
You don’t want to go there anymore This stanza-thingy was great except for the last line was a bit rough.

But can you take me by my trembling hand
We’ll walk through the wreckage together I think not having the word "through" fixes the rhythm a bit but it is your call.
Because we both didn’t do what we planned Vague, you could go into a bit more detail about this line and the next.
And I don’t want mistakes to last forever

You weren’t bullet-proof
When I pelted bullets at you
You aren’t awkward-proof
When you try to avoid me
You aren’t made of bricks
Your like glass I can see through
And I can feel it too when you see through me

Translucency
let our empty eyes meet
Translucency
let our eyes, eyes meet

So when blue meets blue What do you mean by "blue" and "blue?" You have never mention "blue" before.
It mixes into an ocean
That’s had storms in the past
But now it’s calm in it’s emotions
Its Get rid of the "S" on its. I think you are trying to make a contraction of the words "it" and "has" while the word "it" will work perfectly fine. drowned me and dragged me under
While you swam to the shore
But I can still remember the summer where I think you mean when not where. we floated on waves
take it back to where it was before
Take me back to where we were before A bit cliche. I would attempt to rewrite those two lines if you could.

Translucency, see through me

You weren’t bullet-proof
When I pelted bullets at you
You aren’t awkward-proof
When you try to avoid me
You aren’t made of bricks
Like glass you are see through
And I can feel it when you see through me

Translucency
let our eyes, eyes meet
Translucency
let our eyes, eyes meet
Translucency
let our cold eyes meet and bring back the light
that once shone behind (the word "within" might easily replace the word behind and give it a bit more strength. However it is up to you.) them

This was very good and I didn't really have any problems with it except for one tiny thing.

When you put

Translucency
Let our eyes, eyes meet
Translucency
Let our eyes, eyes meet

This poem is so powerful, so moving! I really love your ability to metaphorically relate two totally different things, and make it sound so natural..so flowing! Keep writing, You're good at it

This is something I would definitely play on my ipod! I love the chorus I just want to imagine what you would sound like singing it!

let our empty eyes meet

You aren’t made of bricks
Your like glass I can see through
And I can feel it too when you see through me

I absolutely love this poem!

Mostly, I see no larger mistakes, although there are lots of typos. The flow is really even, and although sometimes it doesn't work, the difference in the length of lines works very well for you.

You disrupted my breathing pattern so badly
That now I breathe in fear like a drug
And nothing this big ever fade’s completely
No-one’s grave ever get’s undug

In this safe little place
That’s bee torn up by this war

But I can still remember the summer where we floated on waves
take it back to where it was before
Take it back to where it was before
Take it back to where it was before
Take me back to where we were before

Translucency
let our eyes, eyes meet
Translucency
let our eyes, eyes meet
Translucency
let our cold eyes meet and bring back the light
that once shone behind them