I feel as if I have recently become extremely sober
As if before this point, I had been under the influence of some hazy, murky configuration I am too winded to describe.
Clarification is bright, clean, open,
Much as an innocent heart, brand new.
Perhaps before this point of clarity, my heart has been living for me
And now my mind has taken its place.
My mind is disgusted by what my heart has done, and is trying to fix it all
Though much too quickly, for you cannot undo what a heart has done.
I tell myself that there is no shame in running
For amidst every situation, I always have this restless fleeting feeling
In which I would like to drown
In every attempt for higher ground I am restrained
By the turmoil of mind and heart.
When I am standing still,
I can feel the past.
When I am running at the future,
I forget the present.
And now, I walk.
With me I carry a heart made of paper, a determined mind, and an awakened soul
Ready to face the sun
I use much caution,
For you cannot undo what a heart has done.
Thanks for reading!
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
The content of this poem is very beautiful a it was a pleasant read. I think you could change the format up a bit though. Some verses are super long, some are super short but hey, that's just me being picky. You did a great job!
I liked this. It was very sweet. I couldn't find anything to nitpick, so I'll just say well done!
I love the refrain about what a heart has done, and i love the intensity of this poem, I have a few suggestions of course, as I am probably one of the more opinionated ones here:
definitely work on the amount of words, you may not be looking for flow, but you need it, because the structure here makes the poem last longer and feel heavier; we want the poem itself to be light and flowing, with the ideas and the language to be heavy and solid...
"As if before this point, I had #FF0000 ">(I believe this should be "have") been under the influence of some hazy, murky configuration I am too winded to describe.
Clarification is bright, clean, open,
Much as an innocent heart, brand new."
Now here, the first line is very wordy, but the second two are short and concise, it works to an unstable structure that throws the reader off---you can make this work, but all three lines need to be changed, and the articles are the most important in poetry
instead of "bright, clean, open," how about bright, and clean, and open, =more flow, same idea! just an example
The first line is excellent, but it sets more of a stream-of-consciousness novel type of narrative, instead of a confessionalistic poem, and the second only builds on that, and then delves into a more poetic feel at the end with the single clauses, go with the second----YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO REWRITE IT:
As if before this point,
I had been under the influence of some
hazy, murky configuration
I am too winded to describe.
Clarification is bright,
and clean,
and open;
Much as an innocent heart;
brand new.
Perhaps before this point of clarity,
my heart has been living for me;
now my mind has taken its place.
SEE!
It flows so much better, because I don't have to move my eyes across the whole page.
Anyway, I love the poem's content, I guess it really just is about becoming sober, which is definitely a subject full of confessional material, but I do feel that there is a deeper point, and that is where the poem does good.
Just work on the structure;
As I always say: "revise, revise, and revise!"
And you can't go wrong. :"
AND one thing about the amount of words and line length is, that the longer sentences and clauses make my mind feel more jumbled and less sober, as the more concise wording makes it seem like a clearer mind has written it
small things like that are what make or break a poem.
KEEP AT IT!