Hello there! This is a potential preface to a novel I'm working on. It's a tad dark, but only because I'm experimenting with different things. I hope you enjoy!
It really didn’t start out like it ended. Sometimes these things come as a shock, like a breaking. Quick, sudden, loud; you just can’t miss them. That’s the safest way. The way that reminds one of shock therapy: when you really have one of those moments where you look around yourself and know that you should be in a state of alarm. There are other means of getting to some kind of awareness, but the worst is a slow and steady progression. It’s deliberate, but in such small increments that you barely notice the changes in yourself and the sinking environment around you. There’s no realization, no snapping, no climax. It’s a thin crescendo of events that get worse and worse as you go about your business, ignorant to the teetering reality. After that it doesn’t take long for denial to set in. You don’t see anything wrong on the outside; the bruises are nothing. Sleepless nights are common, and the thought that “every family must live like this” is so very comforting. But deep down, you have that ache of knowing, the knowledge that you wish you’d never come to know; the memories that you’d like to forget.
Everything is more sensitive in the dark. You find yourself night after sleepless night, staring at the ceiling, feeling so worn. There’s not even any room for emotion, it’s a passive feeling. It’s too great to face, to look at, and to ponder. So you leave it in the dark, the way it’s left you. As you stare at the ceiling, you try to pull everything else happening in your life in to block out the light of that one fear. You think of what you did that day, the good things. But after a while, those good things start to shrink. They turn into tiny things that no one else even considers happy anymore. You look at those as small victories with such affection: having a conversation or even laughing, trying to press the small dose of peace out of them. “Make me feel better” you plead with them. The depression follows when you realize that ultimately they won’t. You finally and miserably understand that it’s not going to be okay. The worst thing though – the worst thing – is when there’s no one around to tell you the opposite of your instincts – even when you know it’s not true. As if the intangible words were a magic spell: if spoken they come alive. Being lonely is like suicide of the mind. You have nothing to base your reactions or your emotions on. It’s foggy, and you don’t know what to think, you have no scale drawn to size for you. You try to fill yourself with the empty happiness, and it fails you. Are there no other solutions?
That’s when some people loose themselves. They loose the person that they used to be before the water slowly started to boil. Whether it was a good person, or a bad person, it’s gone. They start to hurt the people they love, just as the person who hurt them had done. They don’t want sympathy, and they don’t want the elephant in the room to be ignored. They aren’t – and never will be – satisfied. Those people spend their nights, whether cool or warm, staring at their ceilings, wondering if God is listening to them.
I guess I was just lucky.
Thanks for reading! 
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey! ^^ Jae here to review your work. Comments and corrections will be in red.
Overall comments:
Okay, first off, I'd like to say that I adore your title. It's beautiful, and it immediately attracted my attention. Good job. ^^
Now, as for the preface itself, I have to tell you the truth. It's not very pretty. oo" I think you spent too much time trying to be vague and it comes off rather gimmicky. Plus, it's a bit cheap, no offense. It put me off, and I was pretty annoyed by the time I finished that first paragraph of yours. I almost gave up on it. After the first paragraph, however, it improved. You started making a bit of sense. The reader was still left in the dark, of course, but at least it was better.
I think the second paragraph can be salvaged, but the first one has to go, unless you're willing to heavily revise it.
See, the thing with mystery is to let the reader know enough to keep him satisfied, but not enough to allow him to leave the book. Or at least, I think it is. It doesn't work here, because first of all, you're using first person, and your MC obviously knows what's going on, but refuses to divulge the information. Which makes your MC come off as a rather annoying and immature person, by the way. Probably wouldn't want that, seeing as the reader will have to spend a lot of time with your MC since this is in first person.
Now, I'm not going to comment on the voice of your MC, mainly because there doesn't seem to be much room for voice in this piece. It's short, and it's vague to boot. I'll just leave you a tip and say that first person is tricky, and that it shouldn't be used unless your main character's voice is so loud and distinct you can't think when you're writing about him/her.
Next, we tackle the reason you started your story at this point. I'm never one for prefaces/prologues, so I might be biased in this part. I don't know why you're starting your story at this particular point. There seems to be no reason for you to start here. Nothing is happening, nothing compelling is going on - there isn't any hook. You were banking on the vague nature of the piece to keep your reader glued, but like I said, it annoys the reader as opposed to drawing him in. You need something more than that to keep a reader interested. Start the story as late as you possibly can, and please, if possible, start with conflict. I don't mean start with a huge explosion - conflict can come in little forms: deciding whether or not to eat a brownie when you're on a diet, whether or not to head to school when you're sleepy, etc. :3 If the whole shebang starts when your character decides to eat the brownie, start there. ^^ Don't start earlier than you have to.
Try to stop and think about your story. Now, somewhere there lies a point. Beyond this point, the events can't be summarized so easily anymore. Everything that happens is vital to the story after that point. That point is where you start. Don't include the character's morning, her breakfast, her luxurious bath - no. Just start from where it begins.
Before I forget - loose is an adjective, lose is a verb. Loose means it's too big for you, or something. Lose means you misplaced it. :3 It's a common mistake.
Also, try to beef up your word choices. Some words lack that extra oomph its synonyms have. For example, walk, strode, trudged, and skipped are all synonyms. But walk lacks the implications the others have. Strode exudes confidence, trudged betrays hesitation, and skipped reveals happiness. Verbs can usually be played around this way - always check for synonyms that might fit the sentence better.
Anyway, this entire review is built from my opinion, and my opinion alone. Don't take it as final judgment or something. ^^" I hope this helped!
Sincerely,
Jae/Kara
Well, if it’s a part of a novel, then you shouldn’t have put it in General Fiction Short Stories, rather, file it under General Fiction Novels.
Now, as a prologue, or a preface, it’s very vague (as it should be) so I haven’t much to say about the story. However, I must say that it’s rather boring, drawing itself out over just a simple point. I say you should cut it short, make it simple (like a real prologue).
Keep the ending, since it’s a good twist, but cut out a lot in the middle.
Also, that first sentence makes no sense and is just plain lame.
Besides that, you’re off to a good start!
Keep writing!
Jenth
This was amazing, for a preface
There wasn't many errors, although I have a question:
"Sleepless nights are common, and the thought that 'every family mus live like this' is so very comforting."
Is this sarcasm?
Anyways, I enjoyed it tremndously!
Keep up the good work!