I wasn't expecting to see her for the first time that day, but I can't feel bad for not being prepared. No one expects a thing like that. It was one of those days that was just a bit too hot, and everyone in town was particularly annoyed that they just couldn't crank up the master air conditioner another notch. They retreated into shops and houses, and in my case, cafes. My parents, forever content in our tiny town, and always wanting to contribute to the local attractions, opted for The Kitchen. It was the only cafe, located in the center of town. A particularly tiny place that smelled like coffee and newspaper. I'd been there a few times, not enough to know it too well. The little cafe saw a lot of people that Tuesday, as the line protruded out onto the side walk. My mother stood patiently until we got to the door. My father had gone to park the car, which was also turned out to be a daunting task. Yes, it was at the door that we saw her. I'd been happy just to get the blast of cool air in my face, and was focused on sitting down out of the claustrophobic heat, rather than the cafe at all.
"Look at that girl, Mason. Does she see this line?" my mother said, with that tone that she uses when my father leaves the ice tray out and the poor little cubes melt.
I looked up. The girl was sitting all by herself at the biggest table in the whole cafe. She was reading, and so intent on that reading that she did not look up when she took a tentative sip from her tea cup. Nor did she lift her eyes to the growing amount of people and the shrinking amount of space. She looked about my age, and the very first thing I noticed is that she was really pretty. The kind of pretty where you know the girl isn't trying that hard to look that way. She had little white flowers in her long, wavy brown hair, with pale skin and thin fingers that turned the pages of her book with such care you'd think they're glass. I wondered why I hadn't seen her at the town's high school. It's so small I wouldn't have missed her.
"Yeah . . ." I said, tearing my eyes away from her only for the sake of not looking like a creep staring at the girl. But I couldn't seem to stop my eyes from wondering over in her direction, even after we sat down. I attempted to return my attention to my parents, though it was hard, as they were discussing whether our back shed was large enough.
After a while, she closed her book, her eyes stuck to the page, even as she shut the cover. Standing up and putting some money on the table, she looked around the cafe, as if it hurt to say goodbye. Her eyes came over to me. I quickly looked down and pretended to be extremely fascinated by the bendy straw my root beer. I saw her leave on an old-fashioned teal bike, her book accompanied by others in a wire basket in the front. The girl with the flowers, the bike and the books.
I worked on my car that night, while the sun was setting. It's the best time to do it in my opinion; there's shadows everywhere and it's a lot cooler than during the day. I was still stuck on that girl; my brain was like Velcro sometimes. Why shouldn't I talk to her? I thought to myself, with a sudden surge of confidence. The town's small and I'll find her and we'll talk. Maybe, when the grass turned blue, and my dad stopped watching nothing but the golf channel, she'll like me. As a person, as a friend, I really didn't care. I still didn't even know her, though. At all. She could by an axe murderer for all I know. But I knew that if I didn't talk to her, I'd never get the picture of her hair falling over her shoulders out of my head.
Thank you for reading! 
End of chapter
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so we've got a pretty decent start going here. As far as the first chapter goes, besides this slightly unwieldy first paragraph, I think you did pretty good here. It does what it is meant to do pretty well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, okay...a little too much information there almost. I feel like you could cut this in half and make a much smoother opening line to this part here. At the moment its a little bit wordy to be starting a scene off. Just something to perhaps consider, otherwise its a fairly solid introduction I think. It certainly does its job as an opening part fairly well.
Oooh, I'm detecting a hint of the very old classic method of the love at first sight technique sort of, I think in this moment we've just got a decent description that manages not to dip too hard into the idea of developing a potential romance. Its a nice little moment there.
Okayy...so well in the end it did end up being just a teensy bit creepy there towards the end with how intently he followed her every movement but you definitely see it wasn't quite the intention there. Its a bit of a grey area there, and I do believe you're setting this up to be some sort of romantic tangent if that last line there and the title of this story is anything to go by.
Hmm...this is a nice little paragraph, I suppose at this point the tangent is all but a 100% confirmed, but it is a nice little scene here to see this one try and gather some courage to actually go talk to this person and try and have some sort of proper interaction rather than just watching from afar.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is off to a pretty solid start I think. It definitely works out pretty well as far as getting a reader interested in the story is concerned, there's more than enough plot possibilities there for us to want to find out more.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey! As I said in the e-mail I sent you, I really, really liked the beginning of this story. It's abstract, not one of those, "Hey, I'm so and so, and this is my story" kind of beginnings. (Hate those, and I often slip into them by mistake!
) Anyway, I'll post on here what I said to you in the e-mail, just in case you didn't get it.(:
First off, I can't tell you how well you portrayed everything; your descriptions were outstanding! The cafe, the girl and her bike and the books, they were all just so clear and easily pictured in my mind. That blew me away. Secondly, I love stories that have fairly vague first chapters, because they make you wonder what the story will hold. Do you know what I mean? That's how I thought yours was. I like the mystery in it. Overall, it was just awesome, and I can't wait to read the rest!
Once you get more into the farther chapters, I'll probably have more to base constructive criticism on. Right now, there's not much I can say, but I'll let you know if I see anything that needs tweaking in upcoming chapters. Can't wait to read more!
Hey. Me here to review. Sorry for the delay.
Hot weather and annoyed people, I know this from the words you have just used above. But telling and elucidating the situation in a better form is what a writer is supposed to do. So, I would like you to expand on in here. As it is, we should, as writers present a same thing in a different perspective and try to be different in our way of presenting. So as to start, you can make this a bit more interesting by adding how the small things were irritating the narrator and people around him. Had this been my idea, I would have gone by like this:It was one of those days, when your head goes numb, all because of the mercy sun is having on you. The heat was unbearable, with the temperature charting up to {some temperature}. People all around me with their irritated faces stood, they just couldn't crank up the master air conditioner another notch.
I like the funny incident here.
ex. "Don't lick your fingers please Dan," my mother scolded.
The dialogue ends in a comma, and the next phrase is a lower-case letter. This only needs to be done if you're describing how they said it. Like, if it ends in something like, she muttered, she said, she whispered, she hissed, ect....
If it's something like:
Dan, don't lick your fingers." She glared at him for a moment before turning around.
Since the next part didn't describe how she said it, the dialouge ends in a period...
For the first time ever since I started reading this story of yours, I liked a description of yours. So keep up the good work!
All this while in the sentence we have been talking in the past tense so here also the word 'is' should be changed to 'was'.
Personally to me, could seems better than would.
When you are saying or writing the thoughts in the same form and way as the thinker had thought them in, you put them in italics and then say like'I thought', 'I wondered', etc.
For example: You're the one who should be fired, I thought, eying the person in blue with great agony, and it seemed ythat my eyeballs may burst any moment.
What I Thought:
Honestly speaking, you had a very boring start and where the reader should have been handcuffed and attracted to the story, it failed to. No doubts that this was indeed a beautiful beginning from POV of the scenes and the situation. A boy being forced to have tea/coffee with his parents on a hot tiring afternoon, and by luck he sees a girl who's engrossed in her own tiny little word oblivious to the things going around her. Perfect! But what was missing here was the drama, the essence of a good Romantic novel. You ought to have brought in more of descriptions.
How to Improve:
Don't worry. I assume that this is your first attempt at a novel, and honestly saying you're way too better than I was. I can't stop laughing when I flip through the pages of my diary which witnessed my first novel. That reminds me-where is it now?
So there are many tactics you have got to learn in the writing business. First of all, your thoughts as I have explained above should be in italics, and secondly when the line after the dialog is going to depict more than just 'said', 'murmured', etc, then you have to place a full-stop and start with a capital letter. These were some points.
Now, the first and foremost thing I have learnt while writing is that you need to take up time to write a story, and particularly a chapter. Until you don't enjoy what you've written, don't expect others to.
So, for the first thing, take time to analyse, picture the scenes in your mind, just like you watch a film or something. Then sit down in front of a desktop/laptop and try to put them out in your own words. Don;t exaggerate on descriptions, but don't ever think straight. Not mostly by the perspective of a common man, until or unless the story is based on them. Then try to present your idea, the same idea going on in a common man's head in a more poetic form, in a more imaginative form. I know this is something hard to learn and the best ways to do it is to read and write more and more. I think I might have complicated the situation for you, have I?
Drama
Well, drama is something you've got to add in your story. I couldn't exactly sense the way this guy was sensing. I mean, I know he couldn't get her out of her mind, but rather than telling all this, you could have very well expressed in more words, combined up with more emotions. How he found it hard to concentrate? And if you like to, you can add more descriptions of the girl appearing in his dreams(later on), her image being made in front of his eyes, etc. I know there are lots of ways to start off with, and you would definitely get hold of them.
Grammar:
This was the best thing of your literary piece, maybe. You didn't have much errors from grammar point of view, and you knew where to put your commas.
Length:
It was pretty short,and this didn't as such qualified for a chapter. This is mainly because you didn't add in more emotions, more descriptions, and once you're through with them, I think the length would be solid. Also, keep in your mind that I am no one to set the chapter length and it's your own choice. But there's some standard you can use. Like, don't make the chapters too long and neither end them in such a short time.
What I liked:
The first thing I liked here was that it wasn't yet another love story from a girl POV and for this time we would get to know the insides of a man when in love. The other thing was her passion for books, I am just like that. So I could very well connect to her. The next thing I liked was the bike thing, it sounded so cool and cute for a girl to be on a bike.
So at last I would like to conclude that this story has some great potential and if you work on your descriptions and emotion building thing, then definitely you would find your way out.
And do ask me any question through PMs. I am glad when people report to my reviews. It feels being rewarded.
I am extremely sorry that I had been rambling for so much time, so here I zip my mouth.
I would try to get to the next chapter as soon as possible.
Keep Writing,
Shubhangi
I loved it!!! I felt like I was right there. He didn't only think "Oh she's hot" and "Oh look at her". He actually thought real things and emotions. I hope you write more on this.
Hey Nightowl, Gsp here! I will be your reviewer today/this morning/tonight/whatever applies to you.
You've already read my usual warning in my WRFF thread, so, let's get started.
Wow that's big. I would advise chopping that up into smaller paragraphs, like so.
That's better. Now, I'll review each smaller paragraph individually.
Excellent opening. I don't really see anything wrong here.
Mmm... The sentence in bold seems... off. Maybe try something like this.
I don't know, but it just seems wrong to me.
I'd get rid of the "Yes" in the emboldened sentence.
xD "the poor little cubes melt". I like that.
I noticed a lot of jumping between past and present-tense in this paragraph, and one of the sentences wasn't worded right. I'll put what I saw and fixed/tried to fix in bold. Also, I did add a couple corrections.
Just a couple of errors here. I like the last sentence of this paragraph, how it sums her up like that.
The axe murderer part made me laugh. xD Thoughts should be in italics as a general rule. Just a couple of errors here.
Overall, I loved it! Post more of this! When you do, I expect you to tell me.
Wow, I usually don't like guy point of views but I really enjoyed this. He wasn't small minded like most guys. He actually put thought behind his actions. I think the details are all there and I will be the first to read the second chapter when you write. Or when you publish it I will be the first to buy it!! Great job! It was amazing
Hi. I like the alliteration in your title
Just thought I'd let you know.. now onto the review.
Maybe it's just me but I don't really understand that sentance. If you'd never seen her before (as implied by seeing her for the first time) then isn't it obvious that you didn't excpect it? And instead of but shouldn't you have so. ...so I can't feel bad...
I like that descrirption. I've had those days.
You don't need the comma there, it just makes an awkward pause.
Again, great description. And I like the name Mason.
Just as a point of interest you could mention how old he is. A bit of characterization I suppose.
Standing up...
The title! Brilliant!
I don't think he should so quickly assume she won't like him. By this sentace you are saying that it's like a "when pigs fly" thing. I don't think he should think it so impossible.
I really loved that! Great descriptions! Keep up the good work!
Hi there. Let's get started.
So, I like the simplicity of it. It's a just a small-town cafe, a hot summer day and two kids, but somehow you've made a moment of it. But the thing that I didn't like about it was that the characters were archetypes. You know, like, the quiet girl who eats alone and the boy who goes out to lunch with his parents on a Saturday in summer? There was nothing to turn those well-used and well-loved archetypes into individual people. To do this, you need to show the audience what's going on inside the characters' heads. And not just in a "man, it's hot in here" kind of way but in a way that shows us the weaknesses and fears of the characters.
But hey, you said this was the first chapter of a longer work, right? Another thing you might want to do it put in some hint of what the main problem of the story's going to be, or at least start a mini-problem to sustain the reader's need for drama until the real problem happens. But I like that this is a small town (nobody writes about small towns anymore) and I like that you put the quiet-boy and the quiet-girl archetypes together (these days everybody seems to want to put the quiet-girl with the -bad-boy or something). Anyway, PM me when you get the next section up; I'd be happy to review it.
-Aussie
Hello, NYC. I'll be your reviewer today.
There should be a 'ing' added to the end of "Stand". The way you have it now, it makes no sense.I also really like this line. It was cute.
No comma needed.
You change tenses in the last paragraph a bit.
I really liked this story, it was oh so cute! I'm really excited as to see what this develops into. Your description was amazing, I could actually picture everything that was happening. You're a good writer and there were very few mistakes in this. I would really like to read the second part if you decide to post it. Please notify me if you do.
ReisePiecey!