First Love

I really liked this poem. It was a great display of emotions and feelings and imagery all tied into one. For one thing, I definatly felt as if the beginning stanza's were weaker than the last. They just sounded more childish in my opinion. I love the ending! And i love the last coupls stanza's. They had a good vibe to them and they balanced imagery with emotion. That's what makes a poem great!

Keep on writing,
Emmy

Thank you so much for your feedback!! It really helped and I look forward to reading your pieces.

Hi, it's Yanni1995 here. I'm new at YWS and still trying to get used to things around here.
First off, let me say that I absolutely loved this poem. I love your play with words and the emotions that run really deep.

Now, let me critique on a few things.

The pure glow of your magnificent smile
Your eyes blue as sky as they illuminate mine - here i think you should put "blue as the sky" instead of "blue as sky", because it breaks the rhythm.
Your every detail from your toes to your face
The rough gentle kiss in our warm embrace. - here I loved the oxymoron "rough gentle"

As my heart skips a beat
I sense your smell
I do nothing but think
It was from heaven you fell.

As your presence surrounds me - the blending of each sentence in this particular stanza is beautiful.
The outside world fades
You bring out the good in me
And look past the dark shades.

The comfort and pleasure
Of your lips on my neck
The way you uplift me
Even when I'm a wreck. - I like this stanza as well

Your strong hold on a turbulent day
As you lift me
And hold me
And take my breath away. - - personally I don't just change the rhyming pattern in a poem because sometimes it breaks the whole piece down but you did it nicely and I love the rhyme.

The romantic vibe at a candlelit meal
Fingers intertwine as two souls start to feel
The other's heartbeat deep in our chests
The serenity of love as we feel at rest. - I love the deep emotions at this stanza, but again the sudden change in the rhyming pattern kind of threw me off.

No meaningful troubles ruining the night
Just rays of colour that provide for us light - here I know what you mean but the wording is kind of off.
Our worries so distant, out world just bliss - I think you mean 'our' not 'out'
A tender warm passion sealed with a kiss.

A young night as we too are young
That joins us eternally as we collide
Through dim bumpy backgrounds and feasts
Our night but ours, our lives are complete. - this is a beautiful stanza even without rhyme.

A never-ending hold of the delicate hand
The shell gently curling around its crumbling sand
Eyes locked straight ahead as knees below touch
An unbearable longing that seems like too much. - the word 'like' in this sentence broke the rhythm and it doesn't make sense.

Mesmerized fully as the world starts to shine
To the sound of calm music, to the taste of red wine
To the passionate dream of events to come soon
As the graceful souls dismiss to the bedroom. - another beautiful stanza here.

The curtains close as the doors lock
The lady slowly removes her frock
As her monsieur, her man, strong as can be
Whispers softly to her, "You belong to me." - this stanza is wonderful. It brings out so many emotions in so little words.

As the night unfolds a magic aura is felt
Throughout the night the candles all melt
As we erupt together out bodies merge in one
Our tired legs weave until the morning sun... - this is a beautiful ending to a beautiful piece. It summarizes the whole poem in a way that also explains what the couple has been up to.

All in all, I loved this piece. I hope my comments could help you improve.

Heyy NDivz!

First off let me say that i absolutely lovedddd this poem!
Overall, the flow of it is spectacular, the emotions are constant and very well described, the progression of it is great... the main thought i have is: Awesome Job!

Buttt... i'm gonna have to critique a little. haha

NDivz wrote:The pure glow of your magnificent smile
Your eyes blue as sky as they illuminate mine - i think you should omit 'as sky' here, it makes the rhythm really bumpy.
Your every detail from your toes to your face
The rough gentle kiss in our warm embrace. - good combination of 'rough' and 'gentle'!

As my heart skips a beat
I sense your smell - i know what you mean here, but the wording kind of throws off the essence.
I do nothing but think
It was from heaven you fell. - I like cliche sometimes, but here, it doesn't seem to fit.

As your presence surrounds me
The outside world fades
You bring out the good in me
And look past the dark shades. - Possible my favorite stanza!! Perfect!!

The comfort and pleasure
Of your lips on my neck
The way you uplift me
Even when I'm a wreck. - Again; super job here!

Your strong hold on a turbulent day
As you lift me
And hold me
And take my breath away. - the rhythym here is great, although it appears that it wouldn't be.

The romantic vibe at a candlelit meal - i think a word other than 'vibe' would work here better... but maybe thats just me.
Fingers intertwine as two souls start to feel
The other's heartbeat deep in our chests - Love it!
The serenity of love as we feel at rest.

No meaningful troubles ruining the night
Just rays of colour that provide for us light - maybe change it to "Just rays of color that provie us with light"
Our worries so distant, out world just bliss - *our*
A tender warm passion sealed with a kiss. - out a comma after 'passion'

A young night as we too are young
That joins us eternally as we collide
Through dim bumpy backgrounds and feasts
Our night but ours, our lives are complete. - this is a very random stanza. There is no rhyming here at all, which completely goes against the rest of the poem.

A never-ending hold of the delicate hand
The shell gently curling around its crumbling sand -this line feels forced to me, like you just needed something to rhyme.
Eyes locked straight ahead as knees below touch
An unbearable longing that seems like too much. - i love these two lines!!

Mesmerized fully as the world starts to shine
To the sound of calm music, to the taste of red wine
To the passionate dream of events to come soon
As the graceful souls dismiss to the bedroom. -this is a really well written stanza(:

The curtains close as the doors lock
The lady slowly removes her frock - i feel like we've just moved from current times to the 18th century... not that it would be a bad thing, it just doesn't fit with the rest of the piece.
As her monsieur, her man, strong as can be - change "monsieur" to something else, or perhaps just take it out.
Whispers softly to her, "You belong to me."

As the night unfolds a magic aura is felt
Throughout the night the candles all melt
As we erupt together out bodies merge in one - *our*
Our tired legs weave until the morning sun... This seems like a weak ending, i like the idea of it, but the word choice isn't the best.