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Young Writers Society


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If I Could Give My Breath To You

by MythMalefactress9


If I could give my breath to you

Would you breathe it back to me?

Exhaling it, returning half into my corpse,

Keeping half for your making, my Love?

And then would you kneel so deep, leaning so steep,

kissing my lips so I wouldn’t be alone?

Would I wake in the dream, the effervescent dream

Of your love or of your coitus?

Oh, the Kiss of Life! Or… The Kiss of Death?

My Devlish Duke, would you leave me alone to rot?

Would you wake me or would you leave me dead?

Would you chuckle as I scream, losing air, losing me…

Wasting my breath on your laughter?

Would you nod in my take, in my reap, in my wake?

A lie in your hands, a wooden stake for your kill;

Would you hex me, my Darling Dark

If I could give my breath to you?

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99 Reviews

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Fri Jan 31, 2014 2:32 pm
smile says...



so INTERESTING and ATTRACTIVE poem .
i usually prefer "happy" poems and songs , but i enjoyed reading your poem .
i liked how you present all those emotions and turned them to a great piece , good job
keep writing :)
smile




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Fri Jan 31, 2014 11:17 am
abbams1 says...



a very interesting work keep it up




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Fri Jan 31, 2014 3:27 am
Anniepotter68 wrote a review...



I'm not a really great poet or anything so I don't know if this helps but I really like your poem so I wanted to say a few things before I left.

1. I really like the whole concept of the poem. It's very touching and makes you want to read it again and again. The confusion and fear you experience while trusting a person is shown evidently.

2. "A lie in your hands, a wooden stake for your kill;
Would you hex me, my Darling Dark"
I couldn't help but ask, is this a vampire reference? I'm a bit new to these things, so if I've interpreted it wrong then I'm sorry.
Also, are you referring to death as the curse (or the "hex", in your words) or is it the fact that he's the one who's doing it, the curse?

Thank you for reading this. I hope it helped.




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Fri Jan 31, 2014 2:35 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Well, today appears to be the day of random references. First I run into a Slendy post, and now this. I know this isn't your intent, but I can't help but think of the second episode of Doctor Who, when the good Doctor says "I now bestow upon you air from my lungs."

Anyway, on to the review!
Technical:

"kissing my lips so I wouldn’t be alone?

This is the only line that's not capitalized. I think that's a typo, but I'm not certain.

"Would you nod in my take..."

Your choice of the word "take" there felt a little...out of place. Upon first reading, I had no idea what you were even trying to say. Second reading, I think you mean the taking of death, but I feel like it's ambiguous in an unhelpful way.

"Would you hex me, my Darling Dark

If I could give my breath to you?"

That first line didn't flow as well as the rest of the other lines. My mental reader stumbled after reading "hex" and then getting thrown two alliterations. Maybe you want to keep those for style, but I'd recommend looking back over them.
And those two lines didn't seem to swing back to the rhythm you'd set up like the earlier ones. It was kind of an abrupt transition back to the pacing you'd set in the opening lines. I don't know if that's just me, or if you need to fine-tune this a little more.

Hope this helps!





Stay gold, Ponyboy.
— S.E. Hinton