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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Shafter! Thanks for the critique, never managed to say it on here XD
The merrow thing is explained in a later chapter, won't be updating this but thanks for reading and the critique, Brenna's off somewhere and I can't get her to talk =]
**No more critiques please. Locked.**
There! I finally managed to critique another section! *Bows, to thunderous applause*
Sorry if the critiques are outdated, but I've been compiling it for a few weeks now in between my other editing. Many, many apologies for not getting to it sooner.
I'm working on the next scene, so I promise I'll be back for more!
Sweet! The only Brenna I know has really red hair, so it’s good to get that image out of my mind.
“Retorted” generally means someone’s replying to the spoken words of someone else. I’d use a different word, like “admonished” or something.
*Does a double-take* Nice. No clue what a merrow is, but I like the foreshadowing here.
Ha-- is this from personal experience?
What medium does she use? I’m assuming paint, but there are so many different kinds. Is she using acrylics? Oils? Watercolors? Does she paint landscapes, portraits, abstract pieces? This paragraph would be a great place to characterize.
I love your description of the clarinet. Good characterization.
I’d put a comma after “won” and change the comma after “satisfied” to a semicolon. I think it would read easier.
Yay, music competitions! Just attended one of those...
I like this. Good characterization.
Again, good contrast between the ordinary and extraordinary. And it’s also a lovely long sentence-- I’m not brave enough to write those!
Cree-py...
The best part about this is that Brenna isn’t surprised.
It should be “surely,” not “surly.”
Something about this sentence is punctuated wrong, but I can’t figure it out... Argh. Maybe there should be a comma after “grey,” but I’m not sure.
I think there’s an “it said” missing here.
Period instead of a comma here.
Comma after “hurry.” I like the uncertainty you’re creating here. Lots of foreboding.
You mean “scrawled,” right?
“Back soon.” R-i-g-h-t.
Ominous! Good tension here.
Yipe! Now, that’s creepy.
There’s a bit of a tense issue here. Either:
“Brenna no longer existed...”
or:
“Brenna was longer in...”
Period instead of a comma.
Freaky... and a very good scene ending, might I add.
Overall, I love the contrast between the regular world and the other world. I like Brenna and the way she reacts to things. I'm really eager to see where you take this!
Gotta run now. Cheers!
~Shafter
Gone.
Dear 'Sari: Hello, you can take your time with the critique, as I know most don't have a lot of free time. Thanks for your points, I've saved them and will make edits--though I won't post it here.
One last thing, if you find spelling mistakes it is because I'm from Britian =]
Okay, so I’m finally writing some kind of a critique for you , lol. Really sorry it took me so long, I didn’t have lot of free time lately. Looks like Jiggity and Imp beat me to it, hehe, so I suppose I won’t add anything new, sorry if I repeat myself.
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There was nothing strange about two children walking down a road. Behind them were the tops of trees and a few chimneys,
You have ‘(…) about two children (…)’ and then you have ‘them’… So the first sentence was about ‘two children’ in general, ok. But then, in the second sentence, you have about those ‘two children’ again, though here it is about particular ’two children’. -Complicated, twisted and incomprehensible what I just wrote, I am aware of it xD. I wouldn’t understand myself, so: I think you should add ‘the’ before ‘two children’. Juts a suggestion, though.
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Although he was a year older, Fred shared the same wild imagination
Picky and nitpicky - you have ‘Fred’ again, just as in the previous sentence.
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“Oh, I just wish I didn’t have to visit the cousins, but my parents are going to be busy as usual.” Brenna sighed heavily.
That kind of sounds a bit awkward, at least to me. I know that this is a dialogue, so an abrupt change of topic is ok, but this kind of… Maybe it’s the un-dialogues (or what it’s called) sentences between or something… Oh, I don’t know. Great help, aren’t I?
Quote:
Besides, you’ll get to see French people eating snails
Cool sentence, hehe,
Quote:
They were slimy and did not have a chance to escape, they were far too slow and she hoped the cousins would not see her squirm.
Another of the awkward-ish sentence? I guess I somehow don’t like it too much… I can live through the repentance of ‘they were’, but then the last part - it kind of doesn’t fit… Or maybe it does. Ah, I don’t know. Again. ^_^
Quote:
I never liked eating chicken and Father says I shouldn’t be too picky.
Kind of don’t see the link of one to the other. Somehow. Oh, I like ‘kind of’ today, don’t I? I’ll leave it to you to reread it, lol. If you think it’s ok, then it is, hehe.
Quote:
Fred shrugged, resuming his whistling to the popular ‘Maybe It’s Because I’m A Londoner’ tune.
Really short-ish paragraph, lol, but that’s ok, hehe, The exact description of the tune, in thos case the longish title, is bugging me…
Quote:
There was a hazy cloud hovering in the air and, shivering from a cold vibration, she halted.
I kind of don’t see the link of the first part to the last. I mean, it does make sense when you look at it, but you have a descritpion and then ‘she halted’… Awkward-ish? >.<
Quote:
To her surprise Brenna found the cloud was actually a swarm of bees, frozen in position, yet she could hear their buzzing of confusion.
Comma somewhere up there in the first part? Don’t know, not sure. The last [art a separate sentence?
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Words to describe her feelings could not be found.
Aww, why not?
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Abruptly, the bees turned into dust particles, and were picked up by a wind and all traces of their existence vanished.
Two ‘ands’ - I really don’t like those sentences, but I suppose it’s ok… ‘By the wind’?
Quote:
(…) to be replaced by a dead meadow—wild and festooned with burnt bushes and wilting flowers.
The dash needed? I would do a separate sentence, but just a suggestion. I suppose it’s ok, though.
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Brenna and Fred stared at one another, uncertain whether to be shocked or marvelled or any emotion at all.
Marvelled=marveled. ‘Or any emotions at all’? Maybe it’s just me, but that kind of doesn’t fit, in my opinion.
Ah, so Brenna has magic. Wasn’t expecting that, really, it came as a surprise, lol. Later on it’s stated a matter-of-factly… Maybe a bit to much…
Quote:
“What do you think of this? Is it, you know, your ‘magic’?” He asked.
Lower case ‘he’.
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The cricket chirped and the words began to swim, they rearranged themselves and, at one point, it was almost legible
‘They were almost legible’?
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She was using her human instinct to prevent anything from happening.
‘Human instinct’? I think you should describe her powers a bit more…
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It was suddenly very chilly.
‘Became’ up there?
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“Isn’t it weird?” Fred said,
It’s a question.
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shrieked as something touched the back of her neck
Maybe you should say what exactly touched her?
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Don’t make me regret this Fred.
Comma before ‘Fred’
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Light was fading, as the twisted trees grew high as the sky
Comma needed?
Quote:
Birds flitted angrily into the air as Fred whooped with joy, Brenna was surprised birds were even roosting in such a horrid place where other life forms did not exist.
No other forms of life? Okay, so I don’t exactly know what is hid under the phrase, bur, there are others, aren’t there? I mean, she and her friend are there. Also, semicolon instead of comma?
Quote:
Brenna clasped a hand over his mouth, however it was too late—the glow was doused.
Another comma up there? However, I;m not sure.
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She still had her hand on Fred’s mouth and he fell on her, his elbow made contact with her cheek.
‘As’ up there’?
Quote:
“Climb the trees!” She said, thinking quickly.
Small case ‘she’?
Oh, I see you’ve posted a continuation. ^_^ *happiness*. I’ll critique it later, no time now. For now I’ll just say that you got me interesting. The ending sentence was like… great, lol.
-elein
Gone.
Greatest Jig and Imp: Thank you both so much for tearing Harpies up. I've finally got what I wanted from the very beginning. Changes will be made, and I just hope Brenna will co-operate--she's too much like me so I can see how you can mistake me for her, Imp.
Hullo Myth. ^_^
Yes, I'm still very fond of Harpies. Quite a bit of this seems to suffer from a certain passivity, though, in verb-tense and sentence structure. I think it's an aspect of the narrative style you've taken up - there's a lovely sense of the commonplace hovering just above a brooding undercurrent of other. But the actual details (excellent for the most part) do that as well as any passive narration.
Yes, well, first few paragraphs...
I love the simplicity of the description - it's clear-cut and the image of the chimneys, far behind, is interesting on more than one level.
But you seem here to break up your paragraphs with too much arbitrarity. We move from the children, to the surroundings, back to Brenna - (then in the next two) to why they're out there, and then back again to Fred (his appearance).
It breaks the flow somewhat; it doesn't give the reader a place to focus for more than a split-second.
I wonder if, perhaps, you introduced the children as part of their surroundings - so, distantly - in one paragraph, and then shifted to the more detailed and omniscient telling of what they looked like, who they were, where they were going...?
Here, merely to point out how often you've got helping verbs, rather than straight-forward action (in italics) --
They're not entirely out of place at this point. You are referring to things, backwards - you're telling about the past, mostly. But you may want to shift a bit more quickly to the present. It begins to feels sluggish, rather than brooding, slow-paced. ^_^
Apt way to introduce Fred. I almost think you might drop some of the telling about him, and let his dialogue speak first. I can hear him, and see him with the above - tells me as much about him as a paragraph of exposition. ^_^
I like the sudden shift in subject. Brenna, in her own world, I suppose. The description/tags between feel awkward. Perhaps if it were re-punctuated, Brenna's enunciation/emphasis would come through without them? Like so --
I'm not certain. Somehow, the 'but my parents bit' sounds rote.
Yes...well, I've tinkered with the above. 'Escape' and 'too slow' say, in essentials, the same thing. I'd strike 'slow' as it has a vaguer image. Then, rather than letting the sentence drag and sort of sigh when it comes to its point (the cousins seeing her squirm) I've put in a semi-colon - you could use a dash as well - and 'only' to emphasise.
I get the impression throughout that Brenna is terribly intense; but shows it very little on the outside. She has an almost opaque exterior. But possibly hints of it could come through in something like the above?
Sans the comma after 'halted'. Either end sentence or a semi-colon?
Then you've your helping verb 'was' in there again. Perhaps the sentence could read more presently if it dropped it? So --
Passive on the 'words to describe...'. Then - give the bees something to make them stand-out! You've described the humming, somewhat. Perhaps a simile to give them more than 'unified hum'? Even if they continuned their unified humming like...a soldier's march? a cyclone bottled up? Ach, something. ^_^
Oy, strike that bloody passive 'were'. ^_^' This is an excellent description. Again, it has your knack for concrete and to-the-point language. I think you're losing your vividness however, with how many 'to be' verbs slip in to help out where they're not truly needed. ^_^
Oy, there! This is what I'm talking about - this is lovely, brooding and vivid - no stumbling on weak 'were's'. ^_~ In fact, it's one of my favourites bits of Harpies so far. Its suddenness without any rush - it has the same unnatural naturalness about it. ^_~
Perhaps the first sentence would read clearer if 'surrounding' were plural? So -- Their surroundings were no longer recognisable....
And then, Brenna and Fred
I would drop the final bit entirely. It repeats (somewhat) what's implied and drags the sentence out to a length that fades its striking ability. ^_~
If you're to use this idea, I would find a way to show it, more than tell. As it is, it seems needlessly rhetorical.
Ach, the passivity, yes? Try - or even...
The second, though still using 'was' at least puts Brenna at the fore, rather than tail-end of the thought.
Tell about the faerie incident, to illustrate. The rest tends towards an info-dump and repetition. Say it as forthrightly as you put the description of the trees. Brenna (and her past) are just as real and present, in this moment.
So, perhaps if like this --
Yes, terribly offhand on my part. But the idea is to give it a less distant and evasive feel. ^_^
Might Fred be distinctly uncomfortable talking about 'magic'? Chagrined? Or is it all ordinary, he's believes it without thought...? I assume that, if Brenna is ambivalent about it, Fred wouldn't necassarily broach the subject without some diffidence. Putting 'magic' in quotes gives it either an uncertain hue (on Fred's part) or just a lack of words to describe it.
It might fit, to bring out character and past relationship, to show that. ^_^ Possibly - just a thought.
[I love Brenna's response. ^_^] Then, this is where the story really pulls me in. An interjection that's not entirely irrelevant: I keep typing [ quote = " Brenna" ] rather than Myth. It's driving me mad. But a funny coincidence, isn't it? ^_^''
When Brenna is telling the story, it shines. It's as if the atmosphere leaks out, and you can touch the rough bark of the trees and see the sign, not quite legible while the cricket sings. Brenna isn't evasive in her experience. ^_^
Probably 'instinct' could be dropped entirely. It seems a hanging thread as it is.
Just my addition above, possibly, to make it more active. The thought that Fred my be able to read it, and the way he reacts, is both adding to the tension and leaving a question. ^_^
Yes, more passivity that might be struck out with violence. In the end, up to you, Myth...but I think, at least, some variation needs to be interjected. You've tended to stick to the past tense, helping verbs and all there. !_!''
More and more like fae - the ominous tone grows; and Fred's interest seems as ominous as the rest. ^_^
...may not need 'facial' there, really, as expression implies it's his face.
The dialogue, in the tension here, is much tighter. As I noted above, there was something that seemed a little awkward about the first few things they talk of. But this - Fred seems to have his character quite cleark; but better, so does Brenna.
Is his hair wild? How long? How so 'wild'? Somehow, the image is of his hair gone wild, as if it had grown out... o0'
Perhaps something stronger than 'ran' as well? Even 'started'?
Comma maybe spliced? Could easily be two sentences. Full-stop between 'joy' and 'Brenna'.
Perhaps italicise 'what' to give the emphasis? She seems almost boneless there...oy, what exactly as if she's flagging but not particularly irritable. She is furious, one way or another, with Fred...?
Passive. Perhaps if it were --
Typo 'grip'. And I'd slip 'and' in there, to connect the two ideas a bit better.
Perhaps 'leaned' nearer, rather than 'stood'? 'Lean' implies her movement, whereas 'stood' seems set, as if she's already there and hardly reacting.
You might make this less passive, again, without the 'was' and something describing the sound of the 'others'?
Double 'began'. Then some addition for the sentence's clarity.
No need of 'up' when 'lit' says it all. ^_^
To punctuate it a little differently, and give it more, well, punctuation. ^_~
I'm not certain about the content or reliability of my addition on description. But the form is what I'm looking at. ^_^ Up to you to define goblins.
Fingering her bruise before he's off her...? Perhaps if she was reaching for her cheek to touch the bruise?
Sentence structure -- you're beginning each in this paragraph, subject-verb, I think - 'a', 'the', etc.
'she' lower case, yes?
Confused... Perhaps if you just define the first bit by inserting a 'now' by goblin. Then, rather than having the powder passivly deployed by naught that's said, let the goblin do it. Again. 'He blew again, and the powder drifted...' - or however you choose. ^_^
I hope that's clear with all the inserts, strike-outs and bold. ^_^''
Well, I've got to like the ending. ^_^
And now I have to run. Oy, I'm a bit late to class - but as always, Myth, more than a pleasure reading what you've written. There's something latent about Brenna's attitude that keeps one wondering.
IMP
This is an awkward sentence that doesn't wuite make sense. I think something like, 'ideal place to act out imagined dramas' or somesuch. All I know, is that as it is, it doesn't work.
You can do better then that, surely. It sticks out and again, is awkward.
I get what your trying to say but I dont think it worked. I'm not really sure whats wrong with it, I do know however, that I've had to go over it several times and still, I was shaking my head at the end. Maybe thats because I'm exceptionally slow, then again, maybe its not.
Period instead of comma at the end.
Unconnected thought. I think it would be more effective if you added, 'the words hung, unsaid: Before it's too late.' Or something similar.
Instead of telling us what the facial expression is doing, why not just say, 'scowling'. Show dont tell.
I dont really have a problem with this, so much as I just thought it a weird thing to think to yourself, especially referring to yourself in third person. Something more realistic might be cool, like 'I might need this someday' or something.
You know, I just realised that most of these things I point out aren't grammatically incorrect so much as awkward or flow-halting. I think that might be what you should focus on. Here, its ... its---arrgh! I cant say what I want to say, these sentences are so frustrating!!
...
I think, instead of 'and that made the children slip' you should put, ' making the ground slippery.' Or even change the sentence around to, 'The children slipped and slid as the ground grew muddy and soft and rivulets formed.'
how does the prtagonist know this? I dont think she does, but that you do, maybe you should just mention the shield.
Okay, so you have a fair deal of awkwardly constructed sentences, but apart from that I think this is very good, got great descriptive skills, even if you do employ them rather suddenly. For instance the randomness of the playground changing into some magical forest thing without warning and for apparently no reason kind of caught me off guard. I think perhaps to offset this you might want to mention the girl's magical gifts earlier on and allow her to feel that something strange was happening or was about to occur. Its just a little odd otherwise.
Still, very good work.