It was too late, too late when she realised it. No time left, no chance to escape. The bright lights blended her, it all ended in an awful scream of pain, pain and fear…
“Mum? Muum?” Where are you? Did you make me my food?” Zara, my elder sister, just in the middle of puberty, just the living devil. She thinks she’s the queen of the world, commands everyone around. “Mum? Did you make me my food?” She didn’t know, that mum already left the house, I didn`t tell her though, she would have just got angry at me, like always. She used to be smart, and nice, then she changed. “Come on Zara, I don’t wanna be late cause of you!” I have to force her to go to school, it used to be different, then she changed. I have to be honest with you at this point, I have no clue what happened to her.
“Macy? You fat bastard! Do you have any fags?” Typical start for her, on our way to school already smoking. Something was different today, she looked terrified, like she didn’t sleep at all. “Zara? Are you alright?” I asked kindly “Go away, go to your little monkey friends!”She was never really nice. “Oh by the way, Mum’s not going to be home tonight, she’s at Phil’s’’. I shouldn’t have told her that. “Ok, I am sleeping at Macy’s!” she responded. Alone? Me? Alone in our house? “Mum said you aren’t allowed to go out!” She didn’t care, she just left me, home alone.
Suddenly I woke up, it was dark, I didn’t know where I was, weather what time it was. I could hear soft music, which went louder and louder. I walked around in the dark room, like a lion in a cave. I found the switch, I was in my room. The music was coming from our house. My sister did it again, she put me a drug into my water. I hate her! I knew nothing bad was going to happen, I staggered out of my room, got my phone and staggered back. “MUM? She has a party, in our house! You have to come!”
2 hours later
“Zara! Come back, I am you Mum, if you don’t come, you will be grounded for the next two years!” My sister came back, drunk and angry. “Go in, clean all up. Give me you phone! You are in big trouble Miss.” My sister was mad, she looked at my mom. “I hate you, cause of you Dad left! I want you to die” She ran, ran onto the roads. Then it happened, the truck, she flew around.
She didn’t have a chance. It was my fault. I, I shouldn’t have called mum. All is my fault. She had to endure my mistake. When I saw her, flying through the air, it felt like the time stopped. Al our fights passed me in a thousand of a second. Now I have to live with knowing, that it all was my fault…
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello, Myteacherforcedmeto (I'm sure they did, but that's alright, it's their job to). I'm going to review this short story for a moment, so without further ado, let's dive into this, shall we?
Firstly, our highlights.
Remove the comma and you'll be fine there. You don't really need it, anyway.
Neither does the reader. This is just a suggestion, if you're going to develop the sister character so that the reader feels bad when she dies, you need to establish what happened to her and why she's a tragic character. Most likely it is because her dad left, which would be an interesting concept to explore--I'd like to know how she was before other than "she was nice" because that's a little bit vague.
What? You just said that she was nice before something happened. Why are we suddenly assuming that she was never really nice?
Delete the weather part. You really don't need that there.
I think the best way to rephrase that sentence is "She put a drug into my water."
"I am your Mum" is probably what you mean there.
"Give me your phone" is probably what you want there.
"It's all my fault" is what you probably want there, or since this is the past tense, "It was all my fault."
Time, not the time.
I think you wanted "All" there, and I think you want "a thousandth of a second" there as well.
Now, onto the more substantial part of this review.
As I said before, I think you should've developed the sister character better so that her sudden death would seem more natural and we would feel worse about it. If we know what she was for and who she was before she died, especially her motivations, we might actually feel bad for this character. I won't talk about the sudden death thing as well, because I don't think it's that bad of a diabolus ex machina--it makes sense in the short story, and it seems reasonable enough.
One final thing: the way you write your dialogue is basically "Hi," "Hi" "How are you?" "I'm fine" "Great" which is very confusing. Try--
"Hi."
"Hi."
"How are you?"
and that sort of thing. You're allowed to speak in paragraphs, after all. That's all I have to say. Keep on writing, and till the next piece,
Signing out,
--EM.
Hey there, Myteacherforcedmeto!! (Whoa, what a name, haha!
)
No biggie!!
Also, I would take it out of the sentence as I showed you in the example there. It just seems to be some extra load in it!
Be careful with that, because I reckon I saw it a couple of times.
Writer1204 here for a review!
All right, so, I can see you've got a nice plot going on, but I will be a bit picky and tell you everything I noticed. Now, it was a tad all over the place and I had to focus and trace back my steps as I read. First of all, I'd like it if maybe you separated paragraphs a bit more, because I see way too many dialogues and I'm not sure of who's really speaking in them. It's just an advice so that your readers don't derail from the story and they keep their attention focused on it till the end.
Also, I did notice a bunch of grammar issues. That's completely fine, though. We all freaking make them all the time so, trust me, this is normal for everyone. I'll just proceed to list them so that, if you wish to address them, you have an easier time finding it and analyzing what the problem might be.
"The bright lights blended her." I think perhaps you meant 'blinded' instead of 'blended'.
" “Mum? Muum?” Where are you? Did you make me my food?” Zara, my elder sister, just in the middle of puberty, just the living devil."
Here, my only issue is the use of quotation marks. It'd be, "Mum? Mum? Where are you? Did you make my food?"
You just added a little extra one in there, but that's okay.
"Suddenly I woke up, it was dark, I didn’t know where I was, weather what time it was." All right, here, I've got two suggestions.
1) I'd divide this sentence. It'd be something like, "Suddenly, I woke up. It was dark, and I didn't even know where I was or what time it was."
2) I think you meant 'whether' instead of 'weather' here!!
"My sister did it again, she put me a drug into my water." Here, the only thing that's wrong is the use of 'me'.
It'd be, "My sister did it again. She put a drug in my water."
I found also a couple of mixing between present and past tense! You should keep your eye out for those!!
And, lastly, I do believe you could use your imagery so much more!! I see a lot of potential in your writing. It's just a matter of continuous practice--as every writer is bound to do--and a bit more organization! Do develop this idea and I'll guarantee you it'll turn out great!
Keep on writing and I hope you have a nice day/night!
Sincerely, Writer1204.
Hey there, Myteacherforcedmeto!! (Whoa, what a name, haha!
)
No biggie!!
Also, I would take it out of the sentence as I showed you in the example there. It just seems to be some extra load in it!
Be careful with that, because I reckon I saw it a couple of times.
Writer1204 here for a review!
All right, so, I can see you've got a nice plot going on, but I will be a bit picky and tell you everything I noticed. Now, it was a tad all over the place and I had to focus and trace back my steps as I read. First of all, I'd like it if maybe you separated paragraphs a bit more, because I see way too many dialogues and I'm not sure of who's really speaking in them. It's just an advice so that your readers don't derail from the story and they keep their attention focused on it till the end.
Also, I did notice a bunch of grammar issues. That's completely fine, though. We all freaking make them all the time so, trust me, this is normal for everyone. I'll just proceed to list them so that, if you wish to address them, you have an easier time finding it and analyzing what the problem might be.
"The bright lights blended her." I think perhaps you meant 'blinded' instead of 'blended'.
" “Mum? Muum?” Where are you? Did you make me my food?” Zara, my elder sister, just in the middle of puberty, just the living devil."
Here, my only issue is the use of quotation marks. It'd be, "Mum? Mum? Where are you? Did you make my food?"
You just added a little extra one in there, but that's okay.
"Suddenly I woke up, it was dark, I didn’t know where I was, weather what time it was." All right, here, I've got two suggestions.
1) I'd divide this sentence. It'd be something like, "Suddenly, I woke up. It was dark, and I didn't even know where I was or what time it was."
2) I think you meant 'whether' instead of 'weather' here!!
"My sister did it again, she put me a drug into my water." Here, the only thing that's wrong is the use of 'me'.
It'd be, "My sister did it again. She put a drug in my water."
I found also a couple of mixing between present and past tense! You should keep your eye out for those!!
And, lastly, I do believe you could use your imagery so much more!! I see a lot of potential in your writing. It's just a matter of continuous practice--as every writer is bound to do--and a bit more organization! Do develop this idea and I'll guarantee you it'll turn out great!
Keep on writing and I hope you have a nice day/night!
Sincerely, Writer1204.
cool story bro