Evony- the new planet

The full version is in the fantasy section at the bottom of the first page. I'll get rid of the monkey part lol.

Hello iCarlyfan! I'm Ben I'll give you a little note of my thoughts and improvements...

iCarlyfan wrote:
Standing on the top of the hill, I smiled as I stared at the beautiful scene ahead of me. #0000BF ">Fabulous, engaging first line! Trees, tall and green, #0000BF ">were coated in a thick layer of slippery moss. How did I know it was slippery?#0000BF ">Brilliant use of a rhetorical question here A monkey had just fallen off… but you don’t want to hear me tell you about monkeys slipping off a tree branch do you? #0000BF ">Hmm... not sure about this. Fair enough it is humourus, but it doesn't really tie in with the atmosphere you've created and seems cheesy in a way. I think you should weave this in better or get rid of it all together!
The sky was purple, a deep rich purple, #0000BF ">Loving this description and stars #0000BF ">were sparkling high in the sky. Forest canopies covered the whole of the planet#0000BF ">'s floor; I could see nothing but green, pink, red and blue leaves. I could smell wet grass, rich and soothing, and I could smell familiar plants… something like a rose, rich and powerful though. #0000BF ">I think you meant to put a comma here, not a full stop almost unbearable to sniff. #0000BF ">You repeated the word, "rich" and I think you should find an alternative word? Definitely not a rose! The not-roses #0000BF ">"not-roses"? Perhaps refer to them as a 'strange smell' or something? were probably a hundred metres away. Or more… #0000BF ">Don't need the "Or more..." in my opinion. The sounds of birds chirping in the sky, of planes whizzing past, and of many creatures I couldn’t identify in the forest ahead could be heard. #0000BF ">Tell us more about the forest sounds in a seperate sentence to the ones in the sky, you lose me here. Birds and planes whizzed past the sky;#0000BF ">Don't repeat this! Just say, 'If the activity in the sky could manage... etc.' Or find an alternative that doesn't make your writing sound repetitive if they could manage to get me onto this planet and a few practice planes I had launched via signal, they would be able to send other animals and people and loads more onto this planet. #0000BF ">Trying to engage a plot? Hm, I'm confused here. Personally I think you should change it to: 'they would be able to send other animals and people onto this planet.' and get rid of the "and loads more".
I was billions of miles away from my home, billions of years away from my home… I had been teleported onto the planet. The reason? There were too many humans on Earth, there was simply no room. Humans would be sent to the planet to live, give birth, eat, build and just simply live the life we live on Earth. #0000BF ">Bit of a summary in this paragraph, try to hint this plot to your reader as your character goes through events.
The government of #0000BF ">the UK, and every other government in the whole wide world had got together and chose me for this strange mission. They’d read my report and my background, what I do, and where I work. They’d said I was perfect for this mission, even if there were a million people with the same abilities as me… they said I was right for the job, maybe because I’m 17 and have accomplished so much in so little time. I had studied all sciences and engineering techniques for about 7 years… Yes, I was young when I had started. But that was because I had a dream. I might have been teased for being a girl, but who cares? Of course, they teleported a monkey to the planet before teleporting me… #0000BF ">This paragraph needs to cut down on the use of "..." I see that you're tring to create a confused emotion for your character but it tires the reader. Also try not to make this such a summary. Show us why instead of telling us possibilities such as "maybe because I'm 17".
It seems strange, but the scientists had basically sent off a satellite, which would plant itself on the first planet in the universe it could sense with human living conditions. And they made sure it wouldn’t come back to Earth… It took about a week.
This planet was perfect.#0000BF "> I don't like this paragraph because of the way you've made it so quick, it almost rushes the reader? I'm in a whole different atmosphere here now than I was when I was at the beginning. You need to keep the 'hook' of the story going and cut down on the summary-like paragraphs.

Overall

First off, this is a great story, I like your story telling ability. At first I was a liiiiitle confused, but you started revealing the story as the writing went on. I'm a big fan of these moments. When you withold the story, it keeps people wondering, curious, etc. But, I have a little issue.

How did I know it was slippery? A monkey had just fallen off… but you don’t want to hear me tell you about monkeys slipping off a tree branch do you?

ok lol. i started writing it today... that's why it isn't that good... i'll take all your tips and use them. thanks!

Okay, I may be excessively harsh, but I apologise beforehand so you know that I don't mean it! (In red I will fix up any spelling or grammatical mistake, common/general fix ups will be listed after the paragraph.)

Standing on the top of the hill, I smiled as I stared at the beautiful scene ahead of me. Trees, tall and green, coated in a thick layer of slippery moss. How did I know it was slippery? A monkey had just fallen off#FF0000 "> . . . but you don’t want to hear me tell you about monkeys slipping off a tree branch#FF0000 ">, do you?

The sky was purple, a deep rich purple, and stars sparkling high in the sky. Forest canopies covered the whole of the planets floor; I could see nothing but green, pink, red and blue leaves. I could smell wet grass, rich and soothing, and I could smell familiar plants#FF0000 "> . . . something like a rose, rich and powerful though. #FF0000 ">Almost unbearable to sniff. Definitely not a rose! The not-roses were probably a hundred metres away. Or more#FF0000 "> . . .

The sounds of birds chirping in the sky, of planes whizzing past, and of many creatures I couldn’t identify in the forest ahead could be heard. Birds and planes whizzed past the sky; if they could manage to get me onto this planet and a few practice planes I had launched via signal, they would be able to send other animals and people and loads more onto this planet.

I was billions of miles away from my home, billions of years away from my home#FF0000 "> . . . I had been teleported onto the planet. The reason? There were too many humans on Earth, there was simply no room. Humans would be sent to the planet to live, give birth, eat, build and just simply live the life we live on Earth.

The government of UK, and every other government in the whole wide world had got together and chose me for this strange mission. They’d read my report and my background, what I do, and where I work. They’d said I was perfect for this mission, even if there were a million people with the same abilities as me#BF0000 "> . . .they said I was right for the job, maybe because I’m 17 and have accomplished so much in so little time. I had studied all sciences and engineering techniques for about 7 years#BF0000 "> . . .Yes, I was young when I had started. But that was because I had a dream. I might have been teased for being a girl, but who cares? Of course, they teleported a monkey to the planet before teleporting me#BF0000 "> . . .

It seems strange, but the scientists had basically sent off a satellite, which would plant itself on the first planet in the universe it could sense with human living conditions. And they made sure it wouldn’t come back to Earth#BF0000 "> . . .It took about a week.
This planet was perfect.

Hi there!
I used to read a lot of science fiction stories, but after a while I realized that none of the stories have any real characters. Sure, they've got the drunk-but-charming spaceship repair guy, the innocent-and-immensely-powerful little girl, you know how it is... but there are no real flesh-and-blood people. So, that said, I want to know more about your character. I mean, she just got teleported from her friends, family, she can't study anymore... I'd be furious and devastated and sulky all at the same time!
Another thing you might want to consider is that even this early in the beginning you want to give a hook, a little thread that will get bigger and bigger until it's the primary thread in the story. Because right now, we see a girl in a strange, lovely new world, but we have no idea what sort of problems she's going to have to face there. Another species? Another human? Strange abilities intrisic to this world? There's just... nothing. And when a reader opens a book, she's signing a contract: she'll read all the way through, if you give her some real action to read for.
Interesting, though. Not bad. PM me with any questions.