Published February 14, 2010
So i'm reading this out at a youngwriters exhibition tomorrow... i need a lot of confidence! are there any improvements that can be made? if so your help is appreciated!
Slowly he lowered me to the ground and bent over me and smiled. Stark, the forbidden fruit. I wanted to run but I couldn't, my legs no longer belonged to me. I was his. He revealed his fangs, sharp and deadly, like snakes fangs. He lowered his head and opened his jaw wide enough to bite into the most serious artery in my neck. I couldn't protest. I was helpless to do anything but swallow the pain as he sucked away my life. Frozen like an ice cube I was becoming numb with death. As my body left me, thoughts drifted to my family who I'd never see again. My unborn baby brother. My friends. My life. I imagined being found in this dark alley by someone or maybe nobody. Maybe I'd be reported missing for weeks, months, even years. "Please," I screeched, "Please Stark, no", but his razor sharp teeth dug deep into my tissue paper skin. I was draining dry. Becoming an empty carton with all my juice drunk. My last thoughts would be weak but at least as I looked up into his eyes I knew I'd die seeing whom I had loved, even if it was wrong, even if he had drunk the essence of my life.
Abruptly, Stark pulled away and wiped his month, his eyes still fixed on mine.
"I wouldn't kill you,” he whispered.
I felt dazed; I couldn't see properly… my ears buzzed.
Starks blue eyes kept away the excruciating pain that I knew would at any moment erupted in my neck, like a volcano. Dormant and brewing up inside, ready to explode.
I waited, he paused, then "I can't drain you dry because I love you"
Shock. Pain. Horror. Love. I loved him back. I wanted to say “I love you too”… but I couldn’t. In the moment that had passed while he stared into my eyes, I watched his fangs melt back into his mouth.
"I can give you life", he continued. Then to my horror he stabbed his wrist with a knife, revealing thick, red blood that sparkled like a glistening diamond.
"Open your mouth", he ordered.
Shocked and disoriented I tried to move away, but my physical life was barely possible. I felt my breathing weaken as my heart failed to pump the blood through my empty veins. Stark pressed his wrist to my mouth "Drink damn you. I give you life".
I opened my month and let the blood change from a drip to the flow of a sparkling river of red sunlight. Every nerve in my body prickled and shone with new life. There was no metallic taste as with human blood, only the
sweetness of my lover's nectar bringing back my life. I was a fool to love him. I was a fool to follow him out here in the middle of the night. Stupid idiotic and dumb. I wanted to drink forever, but too soon Stark pulled away. My natural impulse was follow him, stand by him, and I was shocked to find myself standing. My body shaking with a vitality and strength I had only ever imagined. I glanced down at my skin, white as snow, smooth as silk. I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling for knots, but none could be found.
"Welcome to my world", Stark grinned. "You weren't dead for long".
Please review it would be helpful!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hi there! I love the story. However, I admit it isn't very new. I don't want to discourage you or anything, you're actually really good and writing is about expressing feelings, so well done!
There are a few things I've noticed, not serious though.
"Drink damn you. I give you life".
I think it would be better if you said: (I'm giving you life.)
I'm not sure, but I think there's something wrong with it.
I opened my month and let the blood change..
I think you mean mouth.
Keep up the good work.
I really liked this story, being a vampire fan myself, and the detail you put into it. However, more detail should be put into the scene where she is changing from a human to a vampire. Also, I believe the story would be better if you put more information on their background, like Georgiexx said.
Detail on their appearance would be nice, especially that of Stark's, but it is not necessarily needed. 
Keep up the good work! I really liked it
aha this is so old though but thanks! I don't like that type of stuff much anymore and my writing style has improved aha.
Hmmmm... It seems like most of them liked it. Did I?
Well... Okay... I did.
But, honestly. I wouldn't want to lie. I found this a little like every other story that I have read about Vampires. What's so great and why should I like it? But, there is something you have done that is like magic. Apart from all of the love part(Which I don't usually enjoy) and the narration and emotions. It is the atmosphere you have created. I really enjoy good feel when I'm reading. And you weaved an excellent one. You did a good job. You have the potential and you can do much better.. So don't give up!
Wow! This is a really great start,the punctuation needs editing like others say and there are a few words I personally would change such as "He revealed his fangs, sharp and deadly, like snakes" Instead of "He revealed his fangs, sharp and deadly, like snakes fangs" because I personally think it sounds better and possibly instead of "Frozen like a ice cube" maybe "Frozen as ice" because I think it makes a little bit more of an impact and makes more sense ??? Hope my comment helped and like others said please don`t hesitate to add more,it`s a great start to the story and really should be continued because it`s interesting and a great hook is entered, I would defiantly keep reading if it a full version was on the shelves
Oh my god. I loved it. I also got confused in some parts. I loved the emotion. Especially the part when she felt so much pain that she felt as frozen as an ice cube. And when she said that she couldn't run away, because her body became the vampire's. Also, I loved the shock when he said that he would never kill her. It was sweet and shocking at the same time. You did a good job on the detail. I got confused on the part when he was so calm and sweet, then...BAMMM... he is ordering her to drink blood. Now, the confusing part is that at first he cuts her wrist, then tells her to drink his. maybe you should make that a little bit more clear, or maybe it was just a typo. Well, other than that confusion, it was the most intense story that I have read.
Oh my god. I loved it. I also got confused in some parts. I loved the emotion. Especially the part when she felt so much pain that she felt as frozen as an ice cube. And when she said that she couldn't run away, because her body became the vampire's. Also, I loved the shock when he said that he would never kill her. It was sweet and shocking at the same time. You did a good job on the detail. I got confused on the part when he was so calm and sweet, then...BAMMM... he is ordering her to drink blood. Now, the confusing part is that at first he cuts her wrist, then tells her to drink his. maybe you should make that a little bit more clear, or maybe it was just a typo. Well, other than that confusion, it was the most intense story that I have read.
Wow, I really like this and it's got my mind of a few troubles for awhile. I wish you would turn this into a novel, it'd be super awesome and probably really popular. You know how vamps are so popular now! Anyways, I have no troubles with it that haven't already been said, so I'll leave you to it!
Oh, the power of a vampire's blood so greatly described in the wizardry of words. As one who is the vampire-type of writer, I find this piece full of suspence and grand power. The transformation from mortal to vampire is written as a rapid, painless transformation. Such wizardry of words must not go to waste. Keep writing for the sake of writing. Soon others shall be drawn to this.
I very must enjoyed the details and reading this.
I think you're a talented writer. However, this story is so generic and cliche now more than ever.
It felt like Twilight all over again, and though I am a fan of Twilight, I'm a bit worn out on the whole vampire craze.
Allow your mind time to truly create, and see if you can come up with something a bit more original. (:
I think its great, I am more of a werewolf guy myself but thats not important =). Its very interview with a vampire, I think the whole transformation seen should be like crazy detailed and must emphasize the beauty of herself and the things around her. She has just changed from human into vampire, which is a pretty big thing. Also Check my stuff out ~ MAri0O07 ~
Nawww...
i really liked your peice, it kept my attention.
Only critisism i had was the punctuation but KanenRenoir picked up on that for me.
Also try expanding on your characters, give them more detail and history of there time together.
eg. What happened when they were together, how did they meet and such... it is not always relivent but i was just curious.
Also see if you can add some more speech
I like the plot--very much so. But i want it to be longer, i want to find out what happens next and where their story leads.
Please write another chapter and let me know...
Kepp writing (please)
Love--Georgie xX
An end to a sentence. Like a question mark. .
what is a 'period'? it's been bothering me for ages and thanks for the help!
I loved it. There were some errors but overall it was amazing. I certainly hope that you'll post more. It was a great read.
This was awesome!
I really liked all the detail you put in to this but I do think that it could have used a little more with the people themselves.
I mean maybe not. It is more poetic this way. But it's also good to give some visual.
Anyway, good luck at the exhibition!
oohhh bone chilling...I like it
I really appreciate the detail you put in here! Don't hesitate to add more! Descibe your vampire friend a bit more...and your main character. I am interested and I definately want to read more. PM me when you write more please!