Yesterday i got some sort of inspiration and a story came to my mind. I just wanted to share it with all you because I found it myself very interesting. Here is a brief introduction and some ideas.
Sinergy (Introduction)
In a world where nobody believe in wonders, where nobody believe in magic, where all think that to get something you have to sacrifice something, where evryone ask themselves why all the bad things happen to them, in a world where all is diveded into bad and good and where evryone forgot what is the soul exist an organization called "Sinergy". Their main goal is to keep the world's balance by any means. They can't create something new, just choose what already exist, they are not owners but not even victims, they are just guests in this world like all other persons. The story will run amid many exciting adventures of different characters that get in lots, and all various, situations to solve.
Sinergy - Chapter I - The world is not what you think it is
Part 1 - The book and the key
-"Hello, can I help you?" said a nice woman sitting in front of a computer.
-"Yes, I'm searching a book" answered the young man.
-"Could you tell me the title please?" continued she.
-"Sure, it should be "Sinergy"" said he with a half voice.
-"Let me check"
The woman typed fast the title on the keyboard but there wasn't any book with such a name in that library.
-"Sorry but we don't have any book with that title" said she sadly.
-"I see" said Sog looking on the floor. "Could you check some other books please?" continued he.
-"Yes, sure thing" answered the woman.
The young man took out a sheet of paper from his right pocket and gave it to her.
-"Here are the titles of the books I'm searching, please see if you have any in your library"
-"Ok. Just a minute, you can take a look around if you want till I finish the searching"
-"Thank you a lot" said he walking toward some shelfs.
"Could the information I found be wrong?" thought the young man. "Just can't be, Shad would never lie to me about something like this"
Lost in his minds Sog continued to walk, when suddenly, for a second, a golden light claimd his attention.
-"Mr.Sog, come here please" asked the woman that was working in library.
-"I'm coming" said he absently.
"What was that light? My immagination?" thought he while walking to woman's desk.
-"I'm sorry again but I wasn't able to find none of the books from the list" afermed she disapointed.
-"Oh I understand" said he looking down. "could I look around a little? Maybe I can find something else."
-"Sure, you are welcome here Mr. Sog" answered she kindly.
-"Thank you"
Sog walked straight to the point where the golden light was. The location was in deep of the library amid some dusty shelfs. Arrived at the end of the hall he started to search something but there were only normal books, nothing that could catch his attention.
On the upper shelf there were two books, a red and a green one. After he took a look at them Sog turned his head to the other side but there also wasn't nothing that could catch his eye.
Hopeless, the young man turned around and pointed to the exit, when something finally atracted him. It was that two books. Now there were three instead of two. Amid the green and the red one there was a new, black book.
"How could this be? Am I dreaming? One second ago there were only 2 books. I'm sure about this." Thought he nervously.
Sog went closer to the shelf and rised to tips to take the black book. Finally it was in his hands, the thing he was searching desperatly was his now. He opened quickly the book but nothing was inside, just white pages.
Sog surfed in hurry the book in hope to find some sign, but nothing was inside. Just when he was about to get evrything lost, turning off the last book's page a metal key felt on the wooden floor.
"A key? But how?" thought he looking wondered at the last page. "There isn't enough space for such a key here."
Closing the book he got down on his kneels and took the key with the right hand. It was some antique looking key, but besides that nothing special or strange was with it. Powerless to do something, Sog just decided to take the book and the key and to get home as soon as possible. Almost running amid the shelfs he passed near the women's desk and quickly sneaked out.
-"Hey mister!" said loudly the woman.
Sog looked behind and saw that woman walking straight to him. he hided the key in his pocket and the book behind, under his T-shirt and turning around with an fragile voice answered
-"Yes?"
-"I just wanted to leave you our visit card. If you need any book just call the number on it"
-"Oh, it was that, thank you" said he trifly
-"I'm sorry again that we couldn't find the books you were searching"
-"Not a problem, thanks again and have a nice day"
-"You too, good bye"
Arrived at home Sog pulled out the book and putted it on table. Fastly turned the computer on and searched for his friends on internet, in particular Shad, but none of them was online.
-"Damn, he's allways online when i don't really need him and now that I have such a thing he isn't there, what should I do now?"
The answear was right near his hand. He took the phone and did the number of Shad but nobody answeared, so he left a message. "Hey bro, it's me, call me as soon as you hear this"
-"Guess there is nothing left to do for me now, just waiting."
Sog turned the music on and jumped on his bad thinking. He wasn't really listening the music because tons of ideas were spinning in his mind. The hands were under his head and he just looked to the white wall that was at his right.
Suddenly the music stopped but he was so deep in his mind that didn't noticed. Just after some seconds he turned the head to computer to see what happened but what was there just paralyzed him.
To be continued. The next part - The flame guy. A friend or a foe? -
The flame guy. A friend or a foe?
Available soon
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
To be honest with you it was hard to force myself to read the whole thing. Mainly because the word order ate at my soul, yoda.
Lets begin with the introduction.
Note, although I had all my symbols in the correct place for some reason the underline and the italics symbols totally screwed up so the below won't make any sense at all.
Underlined material = déjà vu? You are repeating the same thing twice in the same sentace.
Since the symbols didn't work let me clarify "In a world where..." Is what I am talking about.
Italics = That is an extremely long sentace, had I been reading the book out loud there is no way I could say that all in one breath.
Let me clarify again, just the whole first sentace is what I am talking about.. The whole monsterous first sentance.
Stared material = Sinergy is an organization, and organization is a thing, a thing should be refered to as it. You write "Thier main goal" Thier is plural when an organization is a single thing. To make this gramatically correct, I think, you would need to either add "The people of the organization" in there someplace, or change "Thier" and "They" to it.
Bolded material = I do not understand where you are getting victims from, it seems random I would cut it out.
For example "They are not owners, just guests in this world like all other persons."
And lastly your introduction was confusing and didn't really explain much to me. I guess it explained that sinergy is a very confusing concept to embrace and that the story will run amid many exciting adventures of different....
All and all I did not like the introduction much and would, in my opinion, just cut it out.
[side note]
Love the picture, if you edited it yourself great job it looks truely magnificent, in my opinion.
[/side note]
On to the actual story.
Are you trying to write this in some other form of english, instead of modern? The word order drove me halfway to madness, and I was already halfway there.
I.E.
answered the young man.
Continued she.
Next
Searching for a book sounds a little bit more correct, although I am not sure if they can go both ways or not.
And again
Also, I have never heard this expression before:
with a half voice.
But after googling it I suppose it fits. Depending on how many people know what that expression actually means you may want to change it.
And again with the word order "Said he"
Lets move on.
If I was her, I wouldn't be sad. Just saying. "Oh my goodness we don't sell that car in pink here I will tear up for you now." Seems a little odd..
Next
"till"
This small word hinted off to me that you probobly are writing in an older english. Till is an older form of the word Until. But the word order still drives me mad.
Next
It would be The search or Searching, combining two correct phrases doesn't give you extra points.
Next
If he is thinking I don't think you need to put it in quotes, but this is a question I am asking because it confused me. Do you?
Next
People only have one mind, not minds, chances are he was lost in his thoughts.
I didn't know claimd was a word, spelling error should be *Claimed
How does she know his name? I am guessing they previously met or there was an exchange I missed so I will let that slide. If not try "Excuse me Sir..."
Also, she did not ask him to come here, as a matter of fact I don't know what she did because you left out punctuation. I would put a period because it sounds like a command.
Moving on.
*Imagination
Mhmm.. I see.. What you said here in some rant against grammar all together is that she found every single book on the list.
This should read "I'm sorry again, but I wasn't able to find any of the books from the list."
And again why is she dissapointed? I know I wouldn't be.
Moving on.
What?
"Oh I understand" needs some mark of punctuation after understand. If you put a period there then "could" should be capitolized.
"Sure you are welcome here Mr. Sog"
Of course he is welcome here it is a public library, unless I am mistaken.
This was one heck of an excerpt. Lets get started
1) The location was *in deep if the library*..
Yeah.. try "The location was deep in the library..."
2) **Arrived...**
He arrived maybe?
3) Search something
Mhm.. Yeah.. "Daniel broke something" "Nick ate something" "I punched something"
Specify? Something just doesn't seem right.
4) So anything that catches Mr. Sogs attention isn't normal?
I am afraid I have to stop here. Use the material above to help you, but I can't do it all for you.
I am sorry.
All in all this had a lot of mistakes. I have no doubt you have good ideas and this one seems really unique and may catch a lot of attention. But you need to practice writing them down.
Keep trying though I look forward to seeing where this story was going.
One more thing before I go, in the whole story I have no idea what Mr. Sog looks like, who is Shod, or whatever his name was, where exactly he is. You aren't giving any descriptions besides peoples feelings and the colour of books.
Anyway good luck!
~Author of 15