The Fairy Tale of Childhood

I feel like childhood is one of the most golden moments to me in life. The time when we are innocent, beloved, and carefree. The only time where fun, lived and breathed freely.

''How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?
''
I remember when I was in daycare, it was me, and two other girls sitting at the table. I told one of them who was named Ivy, that my tooth was hurting. Ivy and the other girl's name Princess (some name) immediately got a piece of string and said they could pull it out for me. Now I'm no dentist, but I don't think that's the best way to get a tooth out. We tried and tried to pull it out, and when it wouldn't work, I just cracked it, and blood was everywhere. What an experience.

Very good poem!

Why is it a "callous" sacrifice? It doesn't seem to fit with the theme of your poem. Is callous actually the word you wanted? If it is, then you need to explain your choice better.

Can you uncapitalize Fun, or capitalize freedom and fairness to make that stanza more cohesive?

I'm okay with one word sentences, because I don't really believe in grammar for poetry. But hunting isn't working as its own line... can you move it down a line?

Only put in the commas YOU feel are necessary. The rules of creative writing are flexible.

Nostalgia is a very lovely emotion, and I like the way you've captured it here.

i like this poem - its the sort of style that i like to read
and write a lot... short and sweet!
i love poems that have short lines - if they're too long
i dont think they flow as well but i love this for the way
that it flows and for the image that it portrays.

Do you remember when
we used to play

i think you need a question mark at the end of this
sentence instead of having a really long sentence that
seems in need of some grammar...

limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

this is a good part of the poem but as other people
have said already, it would probably be more effective
with commas.

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

this is my favourite part of the poem... and you're right!
blood really does taste 'coppery' - its probably one of the
best words to describe it...

A callous sacrifice
to the gods
Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

i dont really understand this part... i suppose its games
that you play when you're a child - i think it does need a
couple of commas again

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

this is nice but again needs commas in just a few places

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

i think maybe 'for' should be on the same line as 'ever' but
thats just cause it looks a bit strange at the moment...

hope ive helped!

~KayJuran~

I like this poem. I think it has a sweetness to it that many poems lack.

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

Thats both a funny image and a clever use of words. I like the way you used visuals to represent your meaning of how close the friends are.

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

Yick! Effective, but I have to say a little bloodthirsty, lol. Not my favourite stanza though.

A callous sacrifice
to the gods
Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

Maybe these two should be one stanza? It makes more sense that way. Could jsut be me sectioning it off to review, though hehe. You need a comma after "freedom". Why "fairness"?

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

I love this verse. "the frank vegetable/scent of earth" - my favourite lines.

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

I dont think the capitals are a good idea here but I like the repetition. It could use a bit of a stronger ending, IMHO.

Overall, a sweet piece. I loved it, although it didnt really have much substance to it, I think. Thats OK though. Not everything has to be heavy, and there was a deft sort of skill in your word-weaving here. I enjoyed the way it evoked my own memories; nice way to play on the readers emotions, without being trite or abandoning your own. A lovely poem.

CAG77, you're crazy. Enjambement is one of the greatest techniques in poetry. Although I do agree that one-word lines are bad. Each line should at least have one concept, and just having one word doesn't usually cut it. For instance, "Tooth?" is not a concept in and of itself, but "and fun" fits well because it portrays a lone concept of enjoyment that connects to the previous line. Just watch out for where you separate lines, too. You don't want to cut a thought in half, you just want to have two related thoughts flowing from one line to the next. Get what I'm saying? Anyways, I really liked the poem. It was short and pointed.

I liked it, except for the places where you have one-word lines. I can't STAND on-word lines unless they fit really well, which they don't. You should probably tack them on to the line before or after, like "your first tooth" "Forever, and ever, and ever..."

Actually, I think "hunting" is just fine on its own if you add commas. I'm no expert on commas in poetry (in fact I'm not a huge fan of commas in poems) so I won't tell you where exactly to put them, but you do need commas.

Otherwise, great poem!

Nice poem, you have a very unique style. I didn't like all parts and I think you should work on it more. I got the overall general feel, though.

I'm not sure why but I didn't like this. It was a little lifeless, and didn't seem to have any real emotion pouring through out, which is what I'd like to see more out of it. The repetition in the last two lines doesn't work for me either, it seems redundant. Some liines are to short, for example, I don't think "Tooth?" should be on it's own, no should "for" in the last stanza.

Oh, I absolutly adored it. Very descriptive, beutiful.
But for some critiqe.

The first stanza

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

A callous sacrifice
to the gods
Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

I love the poem it really does have wonderful imagery I guess this is because all of us have expereinced this but you really capture it with your words !
Muchous love wu

Thanks for the comments and crit I really appreciate it

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads

yes...this is a very nice and well written poem. It reminds me of me and my friends...*sigh* good job, I don't have any critique.

I absolutely adore the imagery in this poem! I just love it.

Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.