Published May 24, 2005
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who’s the fairest of them all
You with your dark hair and dusky eyes
Lips a sinners plum
Each word a delicate blossom
Spilling, sweet scented and velvety
As you bend your knees and clasp with your fingers
Crystal flakes of sunshine
The raindrops sparkle like your eyes
Sadness sweeps your forehead
Fingers cannot smooth it away
With sunsets come realisations
Icicles of gloom
Poking holes in the blanket of our serenity
As the cold creeps in
The thought sinks
A pebble in my head
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there myriadne.
It's look like you were trying to go with a rhyme scheme for a bit here, especially with the first line which is a very traditional starter point. And I was really interested in seeing where it might go when that rhyme scheme was going on, but then it just dropped very quickly. If it had stayed at rest, that shift probably would have been fine for the poem, but then you decided to bring the pattern back and split it between the couplets. That's bothering me on many personal levels, besides all the disturbances to the imagery, concept and flow.
On the imagery level, you're not being consistent and I see this jumping through so many different levels. I get that these are points of describing a person from the speaker's point of view, but rapidly shifting imagery is never a good sign. It messes a bit with the flow when we're going through these different pathways and having to adjust to the new way of seeing the "beauty" being described for the speaker. And also some of the imagery choices are a bit odd to be describing something that the speaker is praising.
Flow is also being disturbed by the structure, capitalization and punctuation, which are three topics I try to limit myself on talking about. I'd like to see a more condensed structure that'll make it so we can actually comprehend how the images are sticking together. Some of the capped lines need to go, so that once again the lines can actually be linked together. And then finally a lot of punctuation is needed if you want to keep the line splits and wording you've got.
That's all I've got for today.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Seemed kind of all over the place in terms of style. You start out making us think that this is going to be a rhyming couplets poem, and then it goes away. I couldn't tell if this was supposed to have some kind of meter and it didn't work, or if it was meant to be completely free verse and some of the lines ended up having a bit of a rhythm to them.