Ouroboros
water is Life
mothers’ wombs are liquid havens
giving birth in a world of their own
like the oceans teeming with life
from the white caps of the waves
to the most unfathomable abyss
yet danger lurks always near
for Neptune rules not the seas
a watery monarch reigns over all
from the casual toss of the waves
to the colossal pressures of the deep
Death walks closely with the unwary
gnashing teeth and spinning whirls
are oft the door to the final frontier
an eternal liquid night
water is Death
Written years ago, I still love it. Let me know what you think!
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Canary word: Present
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You did a great job on this! Although - you said mothers wombs are liquid havens... like oceans teeming with life.
I thought you said water was death... so that confuses me..
I do think you can do better with this. You said you wrote it years ago. Maybe you should revise it?
KEEP WRITING!
Hey Briggi,
. As far as not using punctuation I definitely see what you were doing now after you explained it but being the unobservant dunce that I am I didn't get that when I was reading. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't think everyone is going to link it together but I don't know.
*gapes in amazement* This is great! I love your concept on water. I didn't see anything off with the pattern but I'm not the best at that
Why do you have life and death capitalized? Is it because they are important?
Again, I loved this and if you ever start giving lessons let me know
Falcon_Ablaze
You've no need to become defensive, MyrddinDerwydd. However, if you want to accurately convey your feelings of water as a powerful entity, and you know that Neptune is confusing, I'd drop that part out or redo it.
Yes, I can and did see that you wanted to make the poem fluid and changing like water, but, as a reader, it seems more like anarchy than water.
Take my review for what it's worth. I do like this poem; I just think it can be improved.
As this always comes up with this poem- yes, Neptune was the mythological god of the sea, though I say that he is not.
My intent is that water is a powerful entity in itself, holding both life and death within it's grasp.
And the poem is intentionally somewhat fragmentary and fluid, stream of consciousness. I don't intend to convey the image of frozen or stagnant water, highly structured, unchanging, fetid, but water as vibrant and constantly changing, holding bits and pieces across an entire continuum of life and death.
Way more explanation than I would have liked to give, but it seems more productive this way.
I think it's very interesting and has some nice imagery. However, I really think you should use some punctuation because it all just blurs together.
Something that confuses me is that you say Neptune does not rule, but then say there is a monarch. Well, who is the monarch? I think you mean for it to be Death, which would be cool. But, this poem lacks clarity in that respect. You should tell us that Death rules, or at least make it way more obvious. I think using punctuation would help with that because then you would have complete sentences and we could where your separate thought begin and end.Like Floydian42 said, the transition from positive to negative is a good addition. I like how simple yet powerful the first and last lines are.
Wow, great job! Nice transition from positive to negative. There are, though, some sort of awkward moments when I read, such as "from the caps of the waves/to the most unfathomable abyss" and "gnashing teeth and spinning whirls/are oft the door to the final frontier." It just doesn't seem to quite fit it. Also, the second line bugs me. Just sounds bad, and it's not a very interesting line. Seems out of place. The rest, though, is excellent!