Part one of origins
The light from the sun beams onto the bedroom, the warmth reaches the blankets creating a warm feeling on the sleeping body. The blankets rise and fall as she breathes. Then a loud knock bangs on the door. Disturbing the peaceful monument.
"Gigi, wake up. It's past 6" a voice stated from the other side from the door. The girl who was on once sleeping then rose from the bed, hair all tangled up and her eyes were still tired from the peaceful rest she just had
"Ah, sóok-săn Wan gérd, my Gigi" her father spoke, his was happy and full of joy as he hugged Gigi tightly in his arms
"Pá, stop" she spoke, her breath slowly as he choked her wirh his hug, he then released her from that tight bond wirh a sheepish grin. The food gets Gigi's attention. Gigi's hand reaches for the pa thong ko, an old, wrinkly hand slaps her hand away from it.
"Ah, give your yā a kiss" the old lady spoke while pointing to her old cheek. Gigi got no choice but to kiss the old lady cheek before grabbing the pa thong ko and rushing out the door
"Hey hey! Where are you going?" Her mother said confused and holding her lunch up, a brown bag with "sóok-săn Wan gérd" written in black sharpie.
"Ah, thanks má. I gotta go, Milo's meeting early. He's driving me to school" Gigi stated as she grabs the bag and kisses her mother cheek. Her feet moving fast as she runs outside. A boy her age on a motor bike waits outside for me. The engine of the bike puffs smoke into the peaceful air.
"Happy birthday, Gigi!" The boy yelled, blowing into a tiny trumpet. The sound nearly broke Gigi ears.
"Ah, stop that noise Milo, we're gonna be late!" Gigi yelled as she rushed onfo the bike and put on the helmet on the back of the bike. The bike then drove through the small neighborhood into the city. The sounds of people talking and cars honking match perfectly with the busy streets and roads, filled with people rushing to work and or school. The bike then parked at the "national music of Thailand". Gigi and Milo swiftly took off the helmets and rushed into the busy school. The hallways crowded with students and teachers making to their next stops for the day. Gigis hand grips Milo's as they rush through the hall to reach their class
"Gigi calm down. We are early. No need to rush" Milo tried to explain to Giana. But her stubborn head didn't listen.
"Come on, you know we like to be early" Gigi stated
"You mean you like to be early"
"Exactly!"
The two students then reached the basement. Where all the orchestra kids sat, ready
After school, as Giana and Milo drove back to her place. She couldn't help but look apon the sky. The clouds turned darker, not storm dark. But more darker. The sky was turning darker. She shrugged it off assuming it was a storm and nothing else. The moter bike then came to a halt at her house. Gigi thanked Milo and stepped inside the small house. The place filled with a sent of pad Thai, Balloons reached to the ceiling and her mother and grandmother agree over the meal, while the father struggles to blow up more balloons.
"Um.. hello" Gigi announced to get the adults attention. Everyone crowded her with hugs and kisses. A sensation wear an introvert would break down. After a nice meal and a large, floppy cake that her father baked. It was like a sponge. Now fime was the gifts, while the parents gave her basic gifts, clothes, books ext. but one stood out.
"Here you go, my precious girl" grandmother said while handing her a silk wrapped object. Inside the silk was a necklace. But now like any other necklace. It felt like it was made of gold, the center was a star shaped gem, that glow pink and green. It shined brightly.
"This necklace was in our family for many generations, from my mother and others to come down. Now it goes to you" grandmother said as she puts it on Gigi neck.
"Strange, I didn't get it for my 15 birthday but Gigi does" mother said as she sips a glass of wine, her 2 glass.
"Well I know you wouldn't. After all you did get pregnant with-"
"Ok! Now's time for bed. Goodnight everyone" mother said as she grabbed the wine and went into her shared room. Dad tried to calm her down and make her put down the wine. But nothing would work.
At night. Gigi lays in bed as she stares the necklace. The peaceful silence was then interrupted by loud explosions outside. She peeked outside and saw large shadowy figures were destroying the city, cars were being thrown, people were screaming, oh the horror.
"Please let someone help them" Gigi begged as she squeezes the necklace in fear.
The necklace glows more, more and more where Gigi got worried. A light orb came from the necklace that flies around tbe frighten girl before transforming into a creature. That creature being a white ferret, the ferret had blue eyes and white fur. Gigi wanted to scream. Till the thing spoke
"Hello!" The ferret spoke. Thats when Gigi lost it and screamed
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
hello! this piece feels really cozy, especially the beginning. the light creating a warmth and gigi enjoying some peaceful sleep work together to create a very nice atmosphere.
though, the pacing is quite fast and i wish we got to see more of her. the character's who feel most distinct so far are the mother and grandmother, and i wish we got to get more familiar with giana, since she's the protagonist.
also, i'd recommend giving this piece one more read-through. there are both little typos like
'Now fime was the gifts,' instead of 'time for'
'choked her wirh his hug,' or 'wirh a sheepish grin,' instead of 'with a/his'
but also phonetic spelling errors like
'help but look apon the sky' instead of 'upon the sky'
'wear an introvert would break down' instead of 'where an introvert'
you're also a little untidy with the punctuation. a lot of lines lack a period at the end of them, such as:
'Thats when Gigi lost it and screamed'
'Gigis hand grips Milo's as they rush through the hall to reach their class'
and
'still tired from the peaceful rest she just had'
also, when a character is saying something followed by a dialogue tag (for example 'he said', 'she yelled', 'he stated', 'they cried') there needs to be a comma. like here:
'"Come on, you know we like to be early" Gigi stated'
there needs to be a , between 'early' and 'gigi stated'.
also, when you're saying an object belongs to something else, you need a possessive s
'Gigi got no choice but to kiss the old lady cheek' should be 'Gigi had no choice but to kiss the old lady's cheek
and
'Gigis hand grips Milo's as they rush through the hall' should be 'Gigi's hand grips Milo's as they rush through the hall'.
you also switch a lot between past tense (for example 'he did', 'she jumped', 'they made') and present tense (for example 'he does', 'she jumps', 'they make') and at one point you switched from third person to first person.
'A boy her age on a motor bike waits outside for me.'
the narrator who tells the story in third person (her, she, they) suddenly narrates in first person (me, I, my, us)
lastly, you tagged this piece as poetry, though it seems to be a chapter of a novel or a short story. i'd recommend changing this because people who avoid reviewing poetry might not read this and realize it's part of a novel, and people who prefer reviewing poetry might realize it's prose and change their minds.
i do have to mention i really liked the last line.
'Thats when Gigi lost it and screamed' - (That's when Gigi lost it and screamed.)
the earnest bluntness was very refreshing, and funny. overall this was a really interesting piece and i like the premise, so i hope you'll keep posting it. thanks for sharing!
Hiyaaaaaaaaaaa
Today I'll be using cherie's Watermelon Review Method to analyse this chapter
Skin- Initial Observations
The start of the novel shows good writing- it is descriptive and error free and thus well edited too.
You're not heavy on dialouges which is a crime most writers do ad genuinly there is nothing wrong with that either. (we all have to begin somewhere)
What I loved, is the homely feeling you give through the use of the language Thai, if I'm not mistaken.
Its js an added effect you get after yk adding a part of ur own life in fiction
I have seen few books with that, sometimes in Tamil, Hindi or Persian.
And yes, the setting as well is not vague ad pretty good (which i like)
Rind- Interpretations
You introduce your protagonist, Gigi or Giana as she wakes up from her sleep by her Father
From your descriptions, atleast we know the parents and along with her family are suppourtive which adds to the homely feeling I mentioned before
Ayyyye Gigi's a foodie????
You introduce the entire family js at the start of the story, which in most cases is a good thing. I have a feeling they're going to be vital for the plot?
THEN, you introduce Milo (i think this guy is going to be my fave character) who is a seemingly good friend to Gigi ad Gigi trusts him too
He tries to calm her down which is pretty much a sign of GOOD REAL frnds
He's understand as well but I want to make a prediction- hes going to be sarcastic af in the coming chapters
BTW, the bike was parked at the national music of Thailand? Has to be a error ig?
The the two students come back from school and then the setting changes to Gigi's house.
Yet Gigi thinks something is wrong as she comes back and looks up at the sky, which is suspiciously dark?
At Gigi's home everyone is preparing for a birthday bash, its chaotic AND we see the mother and the grandma trying to agree over the meal. Okay normal beef within family which is lowkey relatable
THEN THE GIFT GIVING STARTS (yipeeeeee)
The gift that is most appealing to Gigi is her Grandma's who gifts her a necklace.
We see more of the Mother- Granndma beef as the mother comments on Grandma's gift as she sips down her TWO CUPS of wine (made me read the line several times because I kept mixing up the words)
We THEN understand the reaso behid the beef as it turns out Gigi's mother had a teen pregnancy. Atleast that is understood thro the dialogue. I'm pretty sure this as well could create some tension later in the story
They all go to sleep except Gigi
And then suddenly Gigi sees explosions outside and a lot of horror
At this moment the necklace starts glowing and out of the blue, there is a creature transforming in front of her. A white ferret which also speaks
Pulp- The Tastiest Part-
As I mentioned before I like the writing, the language and the feels the chapter is giving
Right now there is no charectar development but we'll figure tht out when as we progress into the story
I genuinly think this is A GOOD IDEA, yk ur ssetting and you hv given us some good first impressions of the charectars
Seeds- Critiques and Suggestions
Spelling error and editing mistakes
Such as 'apon' instead of upon and then this sentence- "The two students then reached the basement. Where all the orchestra kids sat, ready"
The structure seems wrong and is diffucult to read.
Writing-
YOU STARTED OFF GREAT, this is the first thing u hvpublished AND YES I LOVE IT but darling, the writing gets chunky, less descriptive and more chaotic as we move in the chapter. Please, please take ur time to write and then publish.
Something you should reconsider-
The last 5 paras of ur work from part they all go to sleep till the appearance of the ferret. Its too rushed.
Instead of progressing this fast you could have delayed it a chapter or two.
This chapter, u did great job introducing the main charectars
Next chapter, you could lean more i her life while keeping Gigi's feeling of smthg wrong
The 3rd chapter- you could show the signs
And then, introduced the ferret and the entire crisis.
Still its alr, it happens, we all have our own weaknesses and its the fact that ur trying to write, I appreciate the most
PLEASE PLEASE, lean more in Gigi's Thai roots
If u live in Thailand, then give us more described settings with relevance to places in Thailand
I would like to rate this as 4/5, reasons have all been mentined before
lysm and take care,
the unofficial yapper of YWS